Flirted with another woman

LegacyUser

And I feel awful about it. Some backstory I suppose. I'm in my mid 20s. Two summers ago, I met a woman through our mutual circle of friends/acquaintances. There was some definite mutual attraction there, but things never really kicked off because we never saw each other that much (only at music festivals and big parties really), due to only having a few friends in common. That was fine, I moved away from here and we both ended up seeing other people and moved on with our lives.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend since that time, about 2 years. Apart from the odd bump we've had a great relationship. However, this summer I moved back. I occassionally saw her on the street, never even stopped to talk to her, just smiled and waved. I had even forgot that there was a "thing" that summer. All is well and dandy. Except until last weekend. I went to a gig and she was there. I didn't really register her much until she started talking to me. She said things like she was sad when she found out I left, and that she'd love to hang out with me. She kept asking for hugs, which I happily obliged. I kept catching her looking at me and the whole time at the gig my heart was racing and I couldn't get her out of my head. Sometimes when I walked past her she would caress my arm and stuff like that. There was no kissing or anything like that however.

Anyways she ended up giving me her number but thankfully in my intoxicated state I didn't manage to save it. I admit I had been on some substances (and I hope I won't be judged on account of that), and so I may have been a lot friendlier than my sober self. But she wasn't, as she's a clean teetotaller, if that makes any difference.

I have felt awful since because I keep thinking about her. My girlfriend suspects something is up but I just can't say anything, I just keep brushing it off. I love my girlfriend and have thoroughly enjoyed my time with her, but like I said I just can't stop thinking about this other woman. I really hope this is just some brief infatuation that will wear off. I'm terrified of the prospect of it being anything else.

I don't know what to say, do or think. I feel like such an awful person. I'm really glad I didn't manage to get her number in the end. I don't even know what advice or words I can hope ye'll impart on me but I need to let it out because I'm going a bit mad. The last thing I want to do is break my girlfriend's heart, and leave her for a woman that I don't even know that well - and then end up regretting it all.

Thanks for listening...

Brego888

You are blowing it out of proportion. You've done nothing wrong. Let it go and forget about her

baby and crumble

I agree, OP, all that happened is that someone flirted with you and gave you her number.

It might be worth a discussion with your other half about what constitutes cheating etc. in your relationship though. I know that in my relationship that has evolved over the 12+ years we've been together. So it's useful to keep checking in about it. It's possible your GF has no issue with flirting so long as nothing actually comes of it. It's human nature, in my opinion, to flirt with others and enjoy an attraction so long as everyone knows where the line is.

tommy2bad

So you were nice to a girl you knew one time, big deal. TBH I would have been critical of you if you had blanked her or been rude. As long as you didn't lead the poor girl to think she has a chance with you ( she doesn't, right?) you have nothing to feel guilty about. You might bump into her again, be friendly and if you think she has the wrong idea set her straight.

osarusan

You already forgot about her once, so you can do it again. Avoid her and spend time with your GF.

Dont beat yourself up over a drunken flirt and don't let yourself get panicked into a silly break-up.

Estrellita

You need to let this go and focus on your relationship. If you let this infatuation get out of hand you could lose the woman that loves you. Realise the value of what you have got.

If your girlfriend has noticed you being off her, then you need to get your act together. Women can be very instinctual about these things. If the relationship has relaxed into a comfy but samey routine, get her out on some date nights and have some fun.

Magicmatilda

RakishPaddy wrote: »

I love my girlfriend and have thoroughly enjoyed my time with her, but like I said I just can't stop thinking about this other woman.
QUOTE]

The way you have put that makes it sound like you are no longer committed to your relationship. The "I have fully enjoyed my time with her" sounds like you are ready to move on. Its something you say when leaving a situation.

Do you want to continue with your girlfriend? or do you want to break up and try with this girl?

Also did you mention to this girl that you are in a relationship?

ncmc

There’s two issues here. The first is the flirting you did with this woman. Does this woman know you have a girlfriend? If she doesn’t, then you could be accused of leading her on. Also, if I was your GF, I wouldn’t be too happy with you hugging and flirting with someone while neglecting to tell her you’re involved. On one hand the hugs and taking her phone number sound fairly innocent, but then when you couple it with the fact that you couldn’t stop thinking about her and your heart was racing, it does put a slightly different spin on it. What were you planning to do with the number had you taken it down properly? Were you planning to meet up as friends or was there something more in your mind?

The second issue is that you say you can’t stop thinking about her and it’s affecting the way you are with your GF. I think everyone has had a person in their life that they wonder if they were ‘the one that got away’. I think it’s natural sometimes to wonder what might have been, but if it is your mind to the extent that you can’t stop thinking about her, then that does raise a red flag for me. I think you have to be truly honest with yourself here, is this a case where you were flattered by the attention and are thinking the grass might be greener? Or are you really questioning your relationship with your GF? None of us can answer that for you. If it is the former, then just try and forget about her and concentrate on your relationship. If it is the latter, then you owe it to your GF to have a serious think about what you want.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I too had thought I was blowing it out of proportion, I’d even typed this post up yesterday only to delete it all after reading through it and telling myself that I was over-thinking it. However, I felt compelled to do it again this morning, after I woke up with the same feelings I’ve had since Friday night.

During that night, at any point during our conversations where we were talking about what we’re at these days, where we’re living, etc I could’ve very easily slipped in I had a girlfriend, but I didn’t. I know I was not my sober self but I’m not going to use that as an excuse. If I had taken down the number properly I have no idea what I would have done with it. Before finding out I didn’t actually take it down, I told myself that I wouldn’t contact her. This city being small and us having the same wider circle of friends means I’ll definitely see her again in the near future, with or without contact.

My girlfriend would absolutely not be ok with me flirting with other people, and I wouldn’t really be with her either. I think I really need to take a step back and re-assess everything. It’s just a shock for me because before the weekend everything was fine, totally ok. Then as soon as I started talking to her again I’ve felt so conflicted, awkward and well just bad. Guilty. It’s unusual. Is it a case of the grass is always greener on the other side? Or am I actually falling for someone else!? I don’t know, but a concrete answer would be swell. If it is the latter I have really no idea whatsoever on how to handle that. I can’t even fathom that right now.

Perhaps I need time to think about it, but I can’t take this uncertainty and confusion much longer, and sooner or later my girlfriend will start probing and then I’ll have no idea what to say.

donegaLroad

I am just playing devil's advocate here....

if this girl you flirted with is the clean te-totaller type like you said she is, then maybe the universe has sent her to save you from your wayward road.

She could be the making of you OP.





*ps. I am not judging here, I am only saying that she might be thinking this.

ligerdub

I'd hazard a guess and say that this other woman is aware of your existing relationship. You're a man of value on that basis, and part of her keen attitude is likely based on that. There must have been a reason that it didn't go further with her a couple of years back when there was nothing really stopping either of you and you were single.

Of greater concern here (not a criticism) is the fact that you psychologically moved from your girlfriend to another woman. Only you know why that is. Don't be fooled by the excitement.

It's hard to advise on this without knowing any of the people involved. I wouldn't feel guilty about any of it though, you didn't act on anything. We are always surrounded by temptation in life.

Sound Bite

ligerdub wrote: »

I'd hazard a guess and say that this other woman is aware of your existing relationship. You're a man of value on that basis, and part of her keen attitude is likely based on this.

A man of value because he's in a relationship?! I can't understand this logic. Most single people want to meet single people. Why would any sane person chase after someone in a relationship?

ligerdub

Sound Bite wrote: »

A man of value because he's in a relationship?! I can't understand this logic. Most single people want to meet single people. Why would any sane person chase after someone in a relationship?

Perception of I meant.

batmanrobin

The thing is find bothersome - beyond you deliberately not mentioning your gf - is the fact that you say you wouldn't have known what would have happened if you had saved her number. You are responsible for your actions, OP. It would not have been out of your control to prevent yourself from texting her. If you had saved her number, would you have wanted to contact her, text, sext, meet up just the two of you? How far would you have wanted to take things? It's kinda all on you really.

Where does your gf figure in all this? Are you sure you're really happy?

You were flirty, hugging, deliberately omitted mention of your gf, don't know what you'd do if you had her no... Not good things. Figure out whether the person you're with is the person you're really happy to be with. Someone else shouldn't be turning your head to this extent.

LegacyUser

Im sorry but everyone is saying you didnt do anything wrong it was only a drunken flirt? You DID do something wrong. Not only do you have a GF but you always asked this girl for her number and only for you were too drunk to save it correctly you would more than likely be messaging her now.If you GF behaved like this how would you feel exactly?

Sapphire

It's possible you shocked yourself. You are maybe of the mindset that only assholes cheat on their partners, and you consider yourself a nice guy so ergo, you'd not be capable of cheating. Maybe you thought that people in happy relationships aren't tempted.

You now realise that you are capable of cheating, if you wanted to. We all are. You've realised that nice people can and do cheat and it happens when lines get a little blurred like that night. That it can happen sober or drunk and you feel like it just happened without you realising. That people who are good parents or kind to their mum do it too. Cheating doesnt make you a horrible person, it makes you an ordinary person who did a horrible thing. There is a difference.

I was exactly where you were years ago, a great night out, someone I'd fancied ages before turned up and I was thinking with body parts other than my head. And I did fully cheat on my boyfriend. At the time I got caught in the moment, I wasn't drunk or high so I couldn't blame me getting swept away on that. The next morning I was sickened at my behaviour. I did break up with my boyfriend due to guilt but never had the courage to admit to the cheating. That was well over 20 years ago and I've never even so much as flirted with someone while in a relationship since. There have been blokes who I felt a bit of a fizzle with when I met them, but its more an acknowledgement that if I was single, I'd pursue but since I'm not, I steer well clear.

It may be that if you cant get the other woman out of your head it is a sign to call it a day with your girlfriend and move on. You sound like you'd like to see where it goes with her but without breaking up with your girlfriend in case you are left with nothing. You didn't cheat, but you did do things that would have hurt your girlfriend if she knew.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. I do feel a bit silly because I know this is trivial compared to other people’s problems in this forum – being cheated on, ending 20 year marriages, etc. But I appreciate people listening, I don’t really know who to turn because I’d be pretty uncomfortable talking about it to my friends, they’d be quite surprised and probably a bit disappointed (I’m guessing).

It’s a week later and I still find myself thinking about her. I admit I did fight the urge to get her number through one of my friends. I would like to see her. But I won’t give in to arranging it. I have had harmless infatuations in other relationships that quickly petered out, but in this case, I’m repeatedly thinking about when I first met her, and how we fancied each other at that point, and how those feelings are bubbling up again… Ligerdub, it didn’t go any further at that time because it was summer and we didn’t see each other often, both of us being quite busy with our respective musical projects. When we did see each other it tended to be at music festivals, where her troublesome ex was always about, or in the streets/gigs/social events outside where there was little privacy. Like I said, I moved away (on a whim, for work purposes) almost immediately after summer finished.

I’ll open up a bit. When there has been bumps in my current relationship, it’s been because of doubt. I know that will immediately raise red flags for some. But since the age of 16, I’ve been in relationships in and out all the time. A 1 year relationship, then a 3 year one, then a 2 ½ and a half, then 1 and ½, now just short of 2 years, with not much time in between… Before I met my current girlfriend I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship for quite some time but I couldn’t resist. There are times where I’ve felt I haven’t had enough time to be by myself, 100% independent. I’ve considered this before, but I always come to the same conclusion. If I was to go off and be single for some time, get it “out of my system”, there will come a point where I will undoubtedly want to settle down with someone – and when it gets to that point who am I going to wish was beside me? My girlfriend springs to mind, of course. Obviously, she’d hardly wait around for me if I was to do ever do that. Would I be full of regret or would I move on? After so many (failed…) relationships it’s hard to have faith in finding the “one”. But I guess there’s only way to find out and that’s just going with it.

I spent time with my girlfriend yesterday and just felt bad. We spent time the way we always do, and I cherished it the way I always have. I reflected on how mad I’ve been for her, and if I did ever leave her, how jealous I would be at the thought of her with someone else. It seems like that would settle it but, and I feel like I’m going around in circles here, I keep thinking about this other woman, and how much I’d like to meet up with her, have the craic with her and play tunes… Maybe she’s just a really good friend in the making!? (Not bloody likely!) It’s probably best I just forget about her until I (inevitably) see her and take it as it comes, whatever that means…

Kcuckoo – for the record I didn’t ask for her number, but she give it to me. I did however happily try to save it…

Thanks Sapphire and everyone else. Sorry for the long post, my head is spinning a bit… haven’t thought about relationships and love this much, in depth, in a long time. It’s probably good to have a thorough think about it.

LegacyUser

There is something about your post that just struck a cord with me. I know I sound hard on you but I have been in your GF's shoes and it is my biggest fear that something like you done would happen to me. I know you didnt physically do anything but to me personally emotionally cheating is nearly worse, knowing someone has feelings for someone else and will actively pursue and show interest in rather than a quick drunken ride done dusted never to be seen again. There is a big difference. However I can tell from your posts you are in turmoil over what to do. I do believe the fact you have never been single to play the field for long plays a part, now when you get the attention you just grasp it with both hands because it does feel good. All I can do is wish you the best but try not to break you GF's heart because the scars last forever. Trust me.

osarusan

The fact that you never contacted her (she won't know you couldn't) might cause her to see you differently anyway.

beks101

RakishPaddy wrote: »

But since the age of 16, I’ve been in relationships in and out all the time. A 1 year relationship, then a 3 year one, then a 2 ½ and a half, then 1 and ½, now just short of 2 years, with not much time in between… Before I met my current girlfriend I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship for quite some time but I couldn’t resist. There are times where I’ve felt I haven’t had enough time to be by myself, 100% independent. I’ve considered this before, but I always come to the same conclusion. If I was to go off and be single for some time, get it “out of my system”, there will come a point where I will undoubtedly want to settle down with someone – and when it gets to that point who am I going to wish was beside me? My girlfriend springs to mind, of course. Obviously, she’d hardly wait around for me if I was to do ever do that. Would I be full of regret or would I move on? After so many (failed…) relationships it’s hard to have faith in finding the “one”. But I guess there’s only way to find out and that’s just going with it.

Honestly, you sound like a man who really doesn't want to be in a relationship. Really wants to be single. Constant long-term relationships since 16, no chance to just date a string of women for the hell of it, or do the no-strings thing, or have the casual flirtations and butterflies you can have with various different women when you're single.

"My girlfriend springs to mind" is an interesting thing to say. I've never committed myself to a relationship with someone who I DIDN'T see myself settling down with. How would your girlfriend feel about being considered as just an option like this? And who else springs to mind?

And most importantly - are you capable of being single? Truly capable? You say you wanted to be after your last relationship but "couldn't resist" jumping back into one - why? Is it perhaps more about the comfort and ease of having a plus one, having what you're used to, having someone rather than it being specifically about your girlfriend and how suited you are to one another?

I think if you answer these questions honestly to yourself, you might find the reason why this other woman holds so much appeal.

Augme

Sounds to be like you have a fair amount of issues bubbling under the surface within yourself here.

LegacyUser

Hi again.

So I've had, and am still having, a good long think about what I want from life at the moment. I still don't really know to be honest. I think the fact that I've had these thoughts and feelings is indication enough that I need to focus on myself for a while. As much as it pains me to say that, as much as it pains me to even fathom saying that to my girlfriend and watching her break down in tears not understanding what she has done wrong. The fact that this whole situation is a reality, has slowly dawned me and has made me pretty upset, but I still can't get myself to "confirm it". I'd miss her so much, I can't help but feel I might really regret making this decision... I spoke to my father about it and he said sometimes love just isn't enough. So I don't know.

The second thing is, my girlfriend has found out that her mother, with whom she is extremely close to, is dying. She is in bits right now. I'm not really sure how to deal with it on that level, and I'm not really sure what in the f*ck I should do now if I truly feel I need to be by myself. I want to be there for her and care for her. This is the lowest I've ever seen her. I just don't know what to do.

The fact that I'm juggling "will I? won't I?" as options makes me feel like a tremendous arsehole. If you think you've found "the one" you wouldn't have to ask yourself such questions, right? I'm guessing so. I just don't really know what to think anymore. To be honest my main focus at the moment is just being there for her, all this other stuff aside. It kills me to see her so upset and I just want to comfort her as much as I can in this very sad time in her life... But I don't know where my heart is going to take me, and I'm scared of some of the decisions I might have to take. Feeling pretty confused, I have to say...

Not sure if there's anything anyone can really say, maybe there is. Looks like I'm approaching one of those really big Life Walls and only I can climb it. Thanks for everyone's responses...