Sexual assault

Anonymous1610

A number of years ago I was sexually assaulted after a night out. It was a very "blurred lines" situation and I am aware that he may not have seen it the way I do. I don't have much memory of it, but what I remember isn't nice at all. Ever since I have found sex or any penetration very difficult. I have only ever had drunken one-night stands since (but I have never been drunk enough since that consent was an issue). Even while drunk it's hurt like hell and there has been ~closing up.

I dated a guy this year who I really, really liked. It was the first time in almost a decade that I had done things "properly". I was terrified that we would sleep together and it wouldn't happen and he'd get fed up and leave. I also didn't want to do it while drunk. I told him what happened to me and long story short we broke up. We didn't sleep together in the end, and I don't want to cast him as a bad guy. He was sympathetic but he has his own issues. We have limited contact now on social media etc but he's made it clear that he doesn't want to be in my life in any meaningful way.

I feel very bereft and like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I will never meet anyone else I'll like as much and if I do this will just block any progress with him. I went to counselling through EAP but I think maybe I needed more than the six sessions and the counsellor was more geared towards reducing anxiety and career stuff (which he was great about). He said I should go to the guards but honestly I feel that is so pointless at this stage. I feel like because it was a alcohol-type situation I'd actually be bringing more judgement and trauma on myself- not that I expect them to pursue it, but if they say something mean I'd feel worse. Believe me the stuff in the media isn't helping at present either, and I think this is why it's resurfaced so much lately.

I am thinking of maybe approaching the RCC instead but I feel like they have more serious cases to deal with. I'm just wondering has anyone been through this and come out the other end. I want to be a normal woman and have a normal relationship.

juno10353

Please do contact the Rape Crisis Centre. They will be able to help you. You are carrying a huge burden and need help lifting this from your shoulders. Do not spend another day trying to deal with this alone. The RCC is there for you, and others, and will support you through your pain

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Anon - your situation sounds very similar to my own. I was sexually assaulted my first week away at college, and ended up losing my virginity at 17 to sex I didn't consent to. It was horrific. It hurt, there was a lot of blood and for days afterwards, I couldn't even sit down. I thought how the eff was this enjoyable for anybody? It was horrible. And at the risk of tmi, I didn't even like using tampons afterwards.

I didn't sleep with anyone for 3 years after that happened. Nobody. Went through college, no interest in guys because I didn't trust them not to do the same.

I had this guy friend, we were friends from 6th year - and he was one of the only people that knew what happened to me. Over the 3 years, we got closer and closer and developed feelings for each other. So, there I was at 20, never given a blow job even, and 1 "time". I was terrified. I trusted him with my life, but it was still scary. He understood, and he was so nice to me. He made sure I was comfortable, if I told him to stop, he stopped and we cuddled instead. The trust was being built up even though I trusted him 100%, he was showing me I could trust him to stop too, if I needed him to.

The first time with him was awkward. Fun, but awkward. Uncomfortable, a little sore even. But he was gentle. And it got better. The more I relaxed, the more fun we were having, the longer he spent let's say, creating the mood, the better it was. You get to know what you like, what makes it better etc and it's more enjoyable. The more enjoyable it is, the easier it is to relax.

I have had a few one night stands while drunk too, and tbh - they're not comparable at all. They may be for others, but from what happened to me, there's no trust there, they don't know my body, it's nowhere near as good as it can be.

There is no reason you won't come out the other end of it. You're not damaged goods, or broken, or dirty, or whatever other feelings you may have when meeting guys. What happened to you, it wasn't your fault. Drunk, sober, unconcious, if consent wasn't there, it shouldn't have happened. Talk to the RCC. Rape is rape and its serious. Feeling violated and unsafe in ones own body is one of the worst feelings. No means no, and if this is affecting you then it's serious.

It's definitely something you can work on, and overcome. You seem open to the idea of Councelling and that's great. You will meet someone who is kind, and patient and discovering how good sex can actually be will be exciting. But, you don't have to rush that until you feel ready. And if he doesn't want to wait that's ok, that's on him and you deserve someone who'll treat you extra special when you do.

I've been in your shoes, and I'm home free on the other side. I will probably always have trust issues with new people, but to be honest, that's half the fun - really getting to know someone new and exciting.

I really hope things work out for you x

leggo

As a guy, that wouldn't put me off and I know a lot of guys who wouldn't be deterred either. I mean it's not something you bring up on a first date, but when you're dating someone and when you've got the experiences you've had, you did the right thing here and shouldn't feel bad about his reaction. If a guy knows enough women, he'll also know that sadly your kind of experience isn't uncommon and neither is your reaction to it.

If you feel like you should contact the RCC, then by all means do so, it'll certainly do you no harm and could help quite a lot. In the meantime I wouldn't let it make you feel like there's something wrong with you or that no guys would be interested in you because of it, that's absolutely not the case.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Please don't feel hesitant to contact the RCC because of those worries, you'd be amazed how many of their clients feel the same as you do. You don't even have to go to counseling with them if you don't want, you can just talk it out on the phone. They do provide counselling sessions and they can recommend a private counsellor who's equipped to help you if you're more comfortable with that.

What happened to you is not your fault, your reaction to it is very common and it's not a life sentence.

I think maybe you should focus on trying to heal yourself without the pressure of actively seeking a relationship at the same time though.

Katgurl

Oh gosh you poor thing.

Please do contact the RCC. Your experience is just as serious as anybody else. You have been so brave trying to tackle it on your own but you shouldn't have to; there is support out there.

Anonymous1610

I just want to thank each and everyone of you who took the time to reply to me, including mapaca who replied so rapidly in the first thread which was taken down to give me anonymity.

I think I do know, and always knew, what I had to do and that is to contact the RCC. I have been to counselling before but I am not really looking forward to unpicking this, it's going to be incredibly upsetting.

I think I have had very bad luck with this type of thing, aside from this most serious incident I was mildly molested once or twice as a child and experienced a lot of harassment in my first job which was in a bar-type of environment, as well as low level stuff that most if not all women have faced. I don't want to turn this into a man-bashing thread because I'm well aware the majority of men are decent human beings. I think that there are certain people who are maybe more vulnerable to this type of thing or the people who do these things sense it? I was watching the Louis Theroux documentary on Jimmy Savile and one of his victims said the same thing. I have a good figure which is something I actively tried to downplay in the past and was a source of pain to me to be honest. I felt I was merely a body to be used. Anyway this is probably all stuff to be discussed in counselling, think I'm just letting it out now.

I also feel that because my life didn't fall apart as such- my grades took a dive after this incident but I recovered and got a good degree, I've always worked and kept myself busy and I probably come across as a bit of a high achiever. I don't have any eating disorders, never self-harmed... I just internalised it all and this is the only facet of my life that it has actively destroyed and it was easy to pretend it wasn't a big deal and I was better off on my own.

@Lexie, I'm so so sorry to read of your experience. I am so glad you are happy now and you deserve all the love and happiness you can get. Thank you for sharing this with me. For me- maybe because it wasn't my first time and this guy wasn't exactly bothered about foreplay- none of the other stuff or foreplay has really ever been a problem which is good. It's just sometimes if a guy makes a move where I'm not sure what he's doing I freak out. And sex itself is nigh on impossible. Even smears and stuff. I was bawling crying at a smear test and the stupid nurse was no bloody help, she basically told me to get over myself. Again because I was fine with other things I minimised it again.

Thank you again, your reply means more to me than I can say.

@leggo thank you for a male perspective, I'm glad to hear from a guy on this. I do want to make it very clear that my ex didn't freak out and run away. There was a miscommunication and he honestly didn't understand what I was trying to tell him, but when he did he was so kind to me about it and I know he would have been patient. But he is going through some very serious issues too, I think it was a situation where we were both going through **** and neither of us could possibly support each other as we needed to be supported. I think also this made the break-up harder to deal with as nobody was at fault, and this is the first time in my life that this has happened- a civilised break-up! He is right to keep his distance, it's healthier for both of us.

@electro-bitch, thank you for your post. I know as you say "I think maybe you should focus on trying to heal yourself without the pressure of actively seeking a relationship at the same time though." you're right, but I'm in my late 20s now and this is adding to the general panic single people feel at this age. I've avoided relationships and probably subconsciously gone for men who weren't interested. Until my most recent ex. I honestly would love nothing better than to settle down with someone good, but I guess you are right, and until I address this I will never be ready.

Thank you all again. I will call the RCC.

Anonymous1610

Update: finally called. Cried down the phone, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There's a six months waiting list but after so many years, what's six months.

Have looked into private counsellors but they seem to be way more generalised with relationships as opposed to rape/sexual abuse.

Merkin

I'm so pleased you phoned the RCC, you're doing the right thing. In the interim, it might be worth calling them back to ask if they have an approved list of counsellors specialising in sexual trauma?

Anonymous1610

Merkin wrote: »

I'm so pleased you phoned the RCC, you're doing the right thing. In the interim, it might be worth calling them back to ask if they have an approved list of counsellors specialising in sexual trauma?

Thank you Merkin x that's a good idea. Unfortunately money is a bit of a issue and while I know RCC counselling isn't free I can't afford €100 p/h that some relationship counsellors are charging. My old counsellor was great but he just isn't specialised enough to deal with it. I'll ring and see if there's anyone good they recommend who isn't out of my price range. I think maybe I'm better off waiting. Hopefully the 6 months is a worse case scenario?
It's a bit dispiriting alright. Also another 6 months where I can't contemplate dating and I don't have forever. But I also can't drag a man into this mess.

seenitall

Hi op,

Have a look at Let's Get Talking. They are a voluntary donation based fee counselling service, so basically you pay what you can afford (some people pay as little as €5 a session) which is agreed on in your initial assessment, and they also match you up with a suitable counsellor for your specific issue at that point. They have a serious amount of counsellors on their books, specialising in every conceivable issue or trauma. Some are pre-qualification, but I think most are qualified and well experienced. They have clinics in Dublin and Galway, I'm not sure about other towns.

Could be a good stop gap for you till you're taken on by the RCC, 6 months can feel like an eternity.

Best wishes

CaoimheSquee

OP have a look at the well woman clinic too, they also have a counselling service.
Best wishes to you

Anonymous1610

Thank you both- that's a good idea. The last two days were horrible but I feel a bit better today. I know I'm not alone and the RCC said I can call the helpline anytime.

I think that maybe with that additional support and the techniques I learned with my previous counsellor I should be able to manage until I can be seen. Spoken to someone who has attended the RCC and they said they were amazing.

jockeyboard

Op try turntome.org cause they do cheaper councelling online/group sessions.
Sorry you are feeling bad but you will feel better again. Remeber that, you will not feel like this forever.

Telluric

Anonymous1610 wrote: »

Update: finally called. Cried down the phone, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There's a six months waiting list but after so many years, what's six months.

Have looked into private counsellors but they seem to be way more generalised with relationships as opposed to rape/sexual abuse.

I would highly recommend going to a private psychologist. My experience with the RCC was hugely traumatising and I filed a complaint in later years - but it was all due to the lack of skillset of the 'counsellor'. You need to see someone who specialises in things like post-traumatic stress disorder (not that you have this, but it's something that's very serious if overlooked), not someone who did a 12 month course in counseling. Counseling psychologists have 7+ years in training - there's a big difference.

I am sure other people have had good experiences with the RCC. And I really didn't want to talk about this kind of thing on here, but my experience with them really did mess me up for a long time.

If you do go down that route, please make sure that you're being treated properly and talk to the person about their qualifications and experience before going ahead.

I wish you all the best. It's a long road and it's soul destroying for so much for the time -but it does get better. And you will get better. You need to look at the process as a long-term thing or you'll just start to get frustrated. I'm still seeing the same psychologist 4 years later and I can't yet forsee a time when I won't attend therapy any longer. Not every week anymore, but on a regular enough basis. With that said, I'm much more able to deal with things now. And you will be too. You just have to trust that you'll see it through. And find the right counsellor to see it through with you.

Anonymous1610

Telluric wrote: »

I would highly recommend going to a private psychologist. My experience with the RCC was hugely traumatising and I filed a complaint in later years - but it was all due to the lack of skillset of the 'counsellor'. You need to see someone who specialises in things like post-traumatic stress disorder (not that you have this, but it's something that's very serious if overlooked), not someone who did a 12 month course in counseling. Counseling psychologists have 7+ years in training - there's a big difference.

I am sure other people have had good experiences with the RCC. And I really didn't want to talk about this kind of thing on here, but my experience with them really did mess me up for a long time.

If you do go down that route, please make sure that you're being treated properly and talk to the person about their qualifications and experience before going ahead.

I wish you all the best. It's a long road and it's soul destroying for so much for the time -but it does get better. And you will get better. You need to look at the process as a long-term thing or you'll just start to get frustrated. I'm still seeing the same psychologist 4 years later and I can't yet forsee a time when I won't attend therapy any longer. Not every week anymore, but on a regular enough basis. With that said, I'm much more able to deal with things now. And you will be too. You just have to trust that you'll see it through. And find the right counsellor to see it through with you.

Telluric I'm so sorry to hear of your experience and that the RCC was not of help to you. I hope you have found some peace now and your psychologist sounds amazing. You're very brave to share with me and I really appreciate it.

The reluctance I have in going to another counsellor is due to my experience with the EAP really. Like I don't want to badmouth the one I had, and he was great in a lot of ways but he simply wasn't specialised enough. And like I needed to talk out the feelings around the assault and maybe he didn't feel comfortable about that because the sessions always swung back to work and general anxiety etc. Career is a minor surface thing, I haven't been happy there but I know/knew exactly what I had to do. I was always an anxious person but I never had panic attacks before the assault. I would have tended to depression and anxiety a bit, but this has been the source of so much pain to me lately and I guess that the counsellor kind of swung away from it, that was a bit was frustrating. When I see that a lot of the psychologists and counsellors I've researched are tending towards general relationship issues and working with couples (lol lol lol) it kind of puts me off a bit. It's kind of why I am reluctant to go for the low cost options etc (I also know a fair few people who have counselling dips and lord knows I couldn't imagine opening up to them, so I get where you're coming from with the 12 month course).

Also, given my tendency to minimise stuff I may be wrong, but I do feel I am not in the worst position in the world with this. I don't trust easily but that's probably no bad thing. If I could sort out my relationships with men I'd be laughing.

I guess I will research a bit more maybe and money will come, it always does. If I go with the RCC I will be sure to ask about qualifications and if I'm not happy with them within a session or two I'll ask for someone else/go private.

I'm kind of surprised really at the lack of specialised help out there. But maybe I shouldn't be.