Breakup from no sex

Micki

Three weeks ago my then boyfriend ended what was almost the perfect relationship apart from the fact that there was no sex in it. We had been together two and a half years but we hadn't had sex in 5 months. I suffer from body confidence and the pill had totally killed my sex drive. He says it was the one and only thing that went wrong and he felt like we had turned into best friends. I know we had a really strong relationship in every other sense but I am just wondering if anyone has any experience of whether this is fixable in the event that he does change his mind?

Turtle_

Eh, you had a friendship for the last 6 months.. Relationships have physical intimacy.

Did he ever raise the issue before breaking up? Was he trying to initiate sex during those months? If yes to either of those, then I don't see why he would change his mind. He already tried. Out of interest, you know that the pill was killing your sex drive. Why didn't you switch pills?

dellas1979

Micki wrote: »

whether this is fixable in the event that he does change his mind?

Well, OP this is very much up to you.

Thats probably the bottom line.

If youve no sex drive and dont want to seek ways to fix that, then no.

I.e., you need to fix that first before thinking of fixing the relationship.

Edit: Im not clear from the end of your post are you asking how to fix your non sex drive? Well, first port of call would be your GP.

piglet74

Did you try to have sex in the last 5 months?

Who initiated?

I thought the end of the post was suggesting a sexless relationship, but maybe I read it wrong.

Micki

Yes there was sex in the before the last 5 months. Not every night of the week or anything but it did happen. He always initiated it, I would never refuse and would be always glad to have it just didn't initiate it myself as I wasn't confident enough . We had spoke about it and he wanted me to initiate it and improve that area as he said he could feel I was uncomfortable and it was effecting him. When we spoke about it he was always left to me to sort even though I believe we should've sorted it as a couple. Neither of us initiated it in the last 5 months. I have started getting help for it yes.

piglet74

Maybe continue to get the help, but be prepared to accept that the relationship is over and irretrievable.

Merkin

Micki wrote: »

Three weeks ago my then boyfriend ended what was almost the perfect relationship apart from the fact that there was no sex in it. We had been together two and a half years but we hadn't had sex in 5 months. I suffer from body confidence and the pill had totally killed my sex drive. He says it was the one and only thing that went wrong and he felt like we had turned into best friends. I know we had a really strong relationship in every other sense but I am just wondering if anyone has any experience of whether this is fixable in the event that he does change his mind?

I'm afraid your relationship was not even remotely 'almost the perfect relationship' as you state above when there was no sex. That in effect makes you good friends or housemates and the fact that you saw it as almost perfect says an awful lot about what you both want and expect from a loving adult relationship.

I think it's entirely up to you to seek specialised psychosexual counselling as a matter of urgency to help you get over your issues around sex. There's no guarantee that attending same and hopefully sorting out your issues will be enough to win back the relationship but it will be a worthwhile exercise insofar as it will hopefully leave you in a far better position in future to enjoy one of the best things about being in relationship and help you sustain a longterm relationship too.

Micki

Yes I started psychosexual counselling straight away. I hope it helps me anyway if nothing else

Nervous Wreck

Micki wrote: »

Yes there was sex in the before the last 5 months. Not every night of the week or anything but it did happen. He always initiated it, I would never refuse and would be always glad to have it just didn't initiate it myself as I wasn't confident enough . We had spoke about it and he wanted me to initiate it and improve that area as he said he could feel I was uncomfortable and it was effecting him. When we spoke about it he was always left to me to sort even though I believe we should've sorted it as a couple. Neither of us initiated it in the last 5 months. I have started getting help for it yes.

What he was looking for there was you to make an effort at least once to show that you were willing to commit to making an effort to address an issue he felt was very important. By the sounds of it, you didn't and he got tired of waiting. Sorry OP, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is salvageable. I'm amazed he lasted five months tbh.

Augme

Micki wrote: »

Three weeks ago my then boyfriend ended what was almost the perfect relationship apart from the fact that there was no sex in it. We had been together two and a half years but we hadn't had sex in 5 months. I suffer from body confidence and the pill had totally killed my sex drive. He says it was the one and only thing that went wrong and he felt like we had turned into best friends. I know we had a really strong relationship in every other sense but I am just wondering if anyone has any experience of whether this is fixable in the event that he does change his mind?

That's like saying you have the perfect car but it just has no engine in it.

Pickpocket

It's ridiculous to suggest that without sex two people are nothing more than close friends. Intimacy comes in many forms. My own girlfriend has been though different periods of physical and emotional illness. We did not have sex during those times but we never stopped being intimate. Never stopped opening up and being vulnerable for one another. Never stopped being the only person in the world that the other needed. We're having sex again but that merely accentuates what we feel for each other. But the core of what we have is intangible, as it is for all people that are truly in love.

Micki

Pickpocket wrote: »

It's ridiculous to suggest that without sex two people are nothing more than close friends. Intimacy comes in many forms. My own girlfriend has been though different periods of physical and emotional illness. We did not have sex during those times but we never stopped being intimate. Never stopped opening up and being vulnerable for one another. Never stopped being the only person in the world that the other needed. We're having sex again but that merely accentuates what we feel for each other. But the core of what we have is intangible, as it is for all people that are truly in love.

Yes there was intimacy and loads of affection right up until the day we broke up! It was the physical activity that was struggling! Thanks for a decent male point of view:)

professore

Micki wrote: »

When we spoke about it he was always left to me to sort even though I believe we should've sorted it as a couple.

Not being flippant, but what did you expect him to do? Hypnotise you to initiate or show interest?

If one party in a relationship repeatedly and clearly states what they expect and the other party doesn't show any willingness to change or even explain why then that's a dealbreaker for any normal person. You are not compatible. To be honest very few men would be happy with a sexless relationship ( once a month or less is the standard definition ).

Skibunny77

Three components of a successful relationship, commitment, emotional intimacy and passion. Passion doesn't mean that there has to be constant fireworks but it represents the importance of a physical connection between partners - it is literally what differentiates romantic relationships from friendships. Your boyfriend clearly highlighted what was important to him in terms of physical intimacy, including sex. You have clearly said that he was putting all of the work into your sex life and that despite him asking you to make an effort to initiate sex, you didn't. Did you take any steps? Talk to the gp about a change in pill, or try to get counselling around your body issues? Honestly, Op, I feel your boyfriend flagged an issue that concerned him with you, gave you plenty of time and space to reflect on it and then when he saw no change happening, he made the right decision for himself. I hope you get support around your confidence issues.

professore

Also interesting the only post you thanked was the one that said sex isn't the be all and end all - which of course it isn't. Most relationships go through periods of little or no sex - serious illness, post natal depression, bereavement, etc there are many causes, and most spouses get this.

However after only 2 1/2 years, your body issues and the pill preventing you having sex, I really think this is something different. This is something you need to see a GP about. I think you are not even sure yourself why you don't desire sex.

njs030

Micki wrote: »

Yes there was sex in the before the last 5 months. Not every night of the week or anything but it did happen. He always initiated it, I would never refuse and would be always glad to have it just didn't initiate it myself as I wasn't confident enough . We had spoke about it and he wanted me to initiate it and improve that area as he said he could feel I was uncomfortable and it was effecting him. When we spoke about it he was always left to me to sort even though I believe we should've sorted it as a couple. Neither of us initiated it in the last 5 months. I have started getting help for it yes.

He had told you he wasn't happy and you ignored it. He wanted you to initiate sex so he would feel loved and wanted- how you believe that can be sorted as a couple is baffling either you initiate it or you don't.
When he stopped trying you stopped having a sex life, even then it wasn't enough for you to see the warning signs.

Your ex had discussed his issues with you and asked you to take on board what he wanted and how your actions made him feel.
Relationships are about give and take and it seems all you could/can see are your own issues.
Calling it a near perfect relationship when one person was obviously very unhappy says you might need to think about the other person more op, I'd say if you actually asked him he would say he's been unhappy for a very long time.

Micki

professore wrote: »

Also interesting the only post you thanked was the one that said sex isn't the be all and end all - which of course it isn't. Most relationships go through periods of little or no sex - serious illness, post natal depression, bereavement, etc there are many causes, and most spouses get this.

However after only 2 1/2 years, your body issues and the pill preventing you having sex, I really think this is something different. This is something you need to see a GP about. I think you are not even sure yourself why you don't desire sex.

Sorry I know you are right there! I'm appreciative of the advice from everyone, I'm just reading it and taking it on board. I have started seeing a psychosexual therapist so I am addressing the issues

tara73

as far as I can see it, it's a communication problem here from probably both of you. He wanted you to initiate sex, you couldn't, I presume mostly because of your self esteem issues?

He then left you without finding out more about your issues, is that right? If this is the case, I think he didn't bother too much about you and the relationship.
But it's also the question, do you would like to initiate sex but your self esteem issues are stronger and hold you off or do you think you are really not that interested in sex? I think it's important for you to find this out and you are doing it by going to counselling I guess.

There are many questions here. Maybe you two are just not compatible and not fully in love with each other to have a functioning relationship. Tbh that's my biggest guess here, it comes across as if nobody was putting too much work into understanding each other and make each other happy.

Nervous Wreck

Pickpocket wrote: »

It's ridiculous to suggest that without sex two people are nothing more than close friends. Intimacy comes in many forms. My own girlfriend has been though different periods of physical and emotional illness. We did not have sex during those times but we never stopped being intimate. Never stopped opening up and being vulnerable for one another. Never stopped being the only person in the world that the other needed. We're having sex again but that merely accentuates what we feel for each other. But the core of what we have is intangible, as it is for all people that are truly in love.

The difference being, in your relationship, it was mutual. Your girlfriend couldn't or didn't want to have sex, you were okay with it, you dealt with it together. In the OP's situation, irrespective of it being sex, her boyfriend essentially said "this is important to me and I need you to make an effort." After five months waiting for her to make an effort, he concluded that his needs weren't being and wouldn't be met or respected so he ended it.

Pickpocket

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

The difference being, in your relationship, it was mutual. Your girlfriend couldn't or didn't want to have sex, you were okay with it, you dealt with it together. In the OP's situation, irrespective of it being sex, her boyfriend essentially said "this is important to me and I need you to make an effort." After five months waiting for her to make an effort, he concluded that his needs weren't being and wouldn't be met or respected so he ended it.

I wasn't responding to the OPs situation. I was referring only to those that suggested that without sex a couple are only friends. That's preposterous.

Turtle_

Pickpocket wrote: »

I wasn't responding to the OPs situation. I was referring only to those that suggested that without sex a couple are only friends. That's preposterous.

But in the OP's case, all her bf could see was that it was going to be no sex (or sex that was barely welcome to the OP) indefinitely. No sex indefinitely is a friendship.

Nervous Wreck

Pickpocket wrote: »

I wasn't responding to the OPs situation. I was referring only to those that suggested that without sex a couple are only friends. That's preposterous.

Preposterous for your situation. Many if not most people would disagree, barring extenuating circumstances.

Taltos

Mod Note
Let's keep the advice on topic to the OP. Off topic discussions will be removed, similarly posts not offering constructive advice to the OP.

Thanks.

Passtheremote

Of all the relationships I've been in, the one I would never go back to was the one where she decided (for no reason I could work out) to not have sex, to say not tonight, to say stop it, to repeatedly basically turn me down. We'd have great times and still it wasn't right.

No chance!

Taltos

Mod Note
Final warning Pickpocket - don't post in this thread again.
Instead have a look at our charter.
PI/RI is NOT a discussion forum. We are strictly an advice forum and your repeated posts that I and other mods are removing are in breach of our charter. Due to the very serious nature of some of the threads here this forum has a low threshold for posts/posters that repeated post below the expectations of the advice forum.

wakka12

Intimacy doesn't mean just sex. Lots of very elderly couples love each other very much as much more than just friends and a lot do not have sex very often or at all. Sex is not the only thing that separates people into best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend.

Passtheremote

I think the bf of the OP wanted a healthy satisfying sex life with his gf. To suggest he should forgo that basic human need, desire, to essentially settle for less and that somehow he is asking too much......???? No way. That's like saying we should all basically give up and be grateful for the pleasure of company and ignore basic inate biology!

njs030

wakka12 wrote: »

Intimacy doesn't mean just sex. Lots of very elderly couples love each other very much as much more than just friends and a lot do not have sex very often or at all. Sex is not the only thing that separates people into best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend.

That's true, but a very important part of a relationship is communication and compromise. In situations where one person can't have sex for health or emotional reasons this is discussed and agreed and both parties know where they stand and that eventually a normal, healthy sexual relationship will resume.

In op's relationship it was clearly communicated that her boyfriend's needs weren't being met and by her non-action he was led to believe she didn't care. It got to a stage where he deliberately stopped instigating sex in the hope she would and she still refused.

Op what will change if you do get back together? Are you going to magically become more sexually interested? Because he's not going to return to life the way it was. He probably won't even be interested to hear you've gone for help-you should have done that a long time ago.

What can you truthfully change long-term? That's what you need to know.

professore

wakka12 wrote: »

Intimacy doesn't mean just sex. Lots of very elderly couples love each other very much as much more than just friends and a lot do not have sex very often or at all. Sex is not the only thing that separates people into best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend.

Often after a lifetime of sex, and I think you might be surprised what a lot of elderly couples get up to ! And the OP is a young physically healthy person from what I can gather. I don't think this is relevant.

For a healthy male at least, and I suspect most females from conversations I've had, sex is an important part of a relationship, it's the only thing your partner can do for you that no one else can - so if that is taken away without very good reason then it's a friendship.

Another thing to consider is that if your partner isn't having sex with you, it's quite possible they are having sex with someone else behind your back, and whether true or not, getting in this mindset is not good for any relationship.

It also makes the partner not getting any think "What's wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I not considerate enough? etc etc so damaging to them too.

Also affects how you feel about your partner in a loving way - I.e. why is she / he withholding this from me with no explanation - do they not care about me at all? And after sex is when you feel closest to your woman, maybe it's different for women, conventional wisdom says otherwise but the feeling of intimacy and love I feel after sex wth the woman I love is like no other. Chatting about random stuff naked in bed together. Why would you give that up? Because you don't love them is the obvious answer.

Finally your partner meets other people - if they meet someone they like and who clearly desires them sexually too, it's hard to see why they would stay with their current partner.

racso1975

wakka12 wrote: »

Intimacy doesn't mean just sex. Lots of very elderly couples love each other very much as much more than just friends and a lot do not have sex very often or at all. Sex is not the only thing that separates people into best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend.

If there is not sex it's just a platonic relationship. It's the key difference. I get your point of view which may be relevant in a post were some lad is giving out that he only has sex 3 times a week and wants more.

It is obvious what goes on in all of these relationships imo the needs of one partner is being met where they don't need or want sexual components to the relationship. The other one suffers on until they can't take it anymore and the irony is that the OP's ex in this case probably went through experiencing the whole body image problem that the op states they have.

I always find myself scratching my head at these. The op is now attending therapy. Now. Not when there was problems etc and this happens in so many threads and relationships. Horse has bolted. I know the therapy will be of benefit in future relationships but still?

dudara

@HandsomeDan - I've removed your post as it was not to the required standard for PI/RI. We request that all posts offer constructive advice, directed to the OP. Please read the forum charter before posting again so that you are familiar with the PI/RI standard.

dudara

Micki

Hi Guys, Thanks for all the advice, i have read and taken it all on board. I just needed some advice from people that weren't my friends and family. I think it is time to accept that i swept it under the carpet and only started really addressing it when the relationship ended which was too little, too late. I need to accept this and continue doing this for myself and future relationships now

milli milli

Op I'm happy you're getting help now and it's a pity it's too late for your relationship but going forward, it's a good thing.
Just want to give another perspective to you to maybe understand why the relationship ended and your boyfriend didn't make his decision lightly.

I was in a sexless relationship for maybe the last year of a 5 year relationship and I have to say I would never go through it again.
When your partner doesn't seem to respond to your come-ons, doesn't even look at you when you undress, turns you down repeatedly, it's a major blow to your esteem.
And I'm talking about a young couple, with no body issues who fancied the pants off each other in the beginning.
As a woman not feeling desired totally destroyed my confidence and I started questioning my looks. I started doing lots of things to try and improve myself but that didn't help.
The whole experience was so damaging that I literally was shocked when other guys showed interest in me.
Now this was my first sexual relationship and that's why I had such a warped view.
But it left a big scar that I had to overcome.
It turned out that it was the end of the relationship anyway and the guy was suffering from depression that killed his sex drive. But we never communicated about it and to be honest looking back, he was a bit of a bully.

But it did take its toll and in my next relationship, thankfully I met a guy who displayed a healthy sexual interest in me and it did help to rebuild my image as a desirable human being.

So I'm sure your boyfriend was feeling some of these things - rejection, undesirability, etc.
With guys too their self-esteem is more connected to their sexuality - more so than women, so this is another thing he had to deal with.

Anyway best of luck OP

Micki

milli milli wrote: »

Op I'm happy you're getting help now and it's a pity it's too late for your relationship but going forward, it's a good thing.
Just want to give another perspective to you to maybe understand why the relationship ended and your boyfriend didn't make his decision lightly.

I was in a sexless relationship for maybe the last year of a 5 year relationship and I have to say I would never go through it again.
When your partner doesn't seem to respond to your come-ons, doesn't even look at you when you undress, turns you down repeatedly, it's a major blow to your esteem.
And I'm talking about a young couple, with no body issues who fancied the pants off each other in the beginning.
As a woman not feeling desired totally destroyed my confidence and I started questioning my looks. I started doing lots of things to try and improve myself but that didn't help.
The whole experience was so damaging that I literally was shocked when other guys showed interest in me.
Now this was my first sexual relationship and that's why I had such a warped view.
But it left a big scar that I had to overcome.
It turned out that it was the end of the relationship anyway and the guy was suffering from depression that killed his sex drive. But we never communicated about it and to be honest looking back, he was a bit of a bully.

But it did take its toll and in my next relationship, thankfully I met a guy who displayed a healthy sexual interest in me and it did help to rebuild my image as a desirable human being.

So I'm sure your boyfriend was feeling some of these things - rejection, undesirability, etc.
With guys too their self-esteem is more connected to their sexuality - more so than women, so this is another thing he had to deal with.

Anyway best of luck OP

Thank you for your advice! It makes exact sense to how I'm feeling now! I'm doing all these things to help myself so that I hopefully will be able to have a normal relationship, if and when I feel like looking at another man

zcorpian88

Micki wrote: »

Three weeks ago my then boyfriend ended what was almost the perfect relationship apart from the fact that there was no sex in it. We had been together two and a half years but we hadn't had sex in 5 months. I suffer from body confidence and the pill had totally killed my sex drive. He says it was the one and only thing that went wrong and he felt like we had turned into best friends. I know we had a really strong relationship in every other sense but I am just wondering if anyone has any experience of whether this is fixable in the event that he does change his mind?

[Mod Snip - banned for a week for continuing to ignore mod instruction]

To deny your partner intimacy when they need it after a significant amount of time goes by, it does boil over in our minds, sex I think for both people is a relationship barometer, both people want some assurance on where the relationship is, and if the sex isn't happening, a person gets skeptical on where the relationship is going and 100 questions will go through the mind and they'll want to know what their partner is thinking and they would wonder are they gone off their partner and everything will go through the mind. It's something you need to sort out OP or this will kill every relationship you have, I'm sure you're a lovely woman OP, I guess you should change your pill and communicate more with him if you manage to get back with him.

PLL

I find it odd that he didn't bring his concerns to you so that you could work through them. Him just breaking up with you because of an issue without trying to resolve it strikes me as odd.

With regards to my opinion on sex, it is important but I agree with another poster that there are certain life/health situations where there is no desire for sex. If this becomes an issue for a partner a couple should work through it. Some situations a partner will just accept a temporary abstinence from sex, for example I've just had a baby.. I had no drive, was physically and mentally unwell in my last few months of pregnancy and now I'm recovering from surgery. My other half isn't going to up and leave me and his two children because we haven't had sex in a few months.

If you really want to salvage your relationship you need to work it out with him. You may have different views on how often you would like sex and this could mean things won't work out even if things seem great in all other aspects. However I do think your hormones could have a lot to do with it. As I said my normally healthy sex drive disappeared due to hormones in pregnancy.