Disclosing depression in work

thisisme

okay...I'm going to try to keep this as short as I can...famous last words lol

Back story. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression in 2013 following a particularly dark period which I managed to hide from everyone including my husband (now ex). I believe I have been suffering depressive episodes for over a decade but spring 2013 lasted so long I had to take action. Since then I have left an abusive marriage of 10 years, started counselling, supported my young daughter through the life changes, came out as bi and eventually gay to myself and am in the never ending process of coming out to others (not work), started a long distance relationship with a woman I was very close to as a friend, my father's cancer diagnosis, illness and death, within a week of his passing my girlfriend's daughter and sister were killed in an accident. (happened within the past 2 months) I was very close to my gf's daughter so I am supporting her and watching her fall deeper into depression while dealing with my own grief. I spent my life avoiding drama so yeah it’s finally caught up with me...

Back to my depression. By nature, I’m an upbeat person. But when I fall, I fall hard and fast. A few times I’ve been at the point where my last thought at night is what a release it would be if I knew I wasn't going to wake up in the morning. Before I'm fully aware next morning I'm crying because I’ve woken up - I wanted so badly to die but refused to act on it. Through each episode I have functioned enough to get my daughter to the child minder and go to work. This took so much energy I looked like the walking dead by the time I got to work. I have been on Lexapro and Sertraline, 100mg and 150mg. I am off them since July however I have a script from my doctor on my bedside locker. He trusts me to fill it if needed. Thanks to my absolutely amazing counsellor I have become more aware of the warning signs and the down times have become shorter but I still go through 1-2 weeks of lows. (down from months)
When I say lows I mean mostly fatigue, pain in neck and shoulders, sadness, thoughts getting stuck in a loop, intense self-criticism, withdrawal, irritability, “brain fog”, loss of memory and concentration, panic, doing utterly stupid things like driving into parked cars I thought were moving etc. I have made mistakes in work. Nothing of any major significance to work schedules but I work in a very pedantic job where metrics are monitored and even small errors are recorded. In the last 2 years I am aware the number of errors I have made has increased, particularly after the bereavements. I am a little above average for mistakes this year but there are others with same numbers as me. I have given over a decade’s work to the company. My mistakes bother me and given that I am highly self-critical this makes me more anxious and wrecks my confidence. I had a very understanding manager who didn't have to be told about my emotional state. She was observant and challenged me when I was well and eased off on my workload when I came in looking like the walking dead. Over the summer she was given a well-deserved promotion and switched departments. My new boss has been in the work group for years and would know some of my personal situation mainly through office talk. After the bereavements I returned to work the day after the funerals. I made 2 mistakes that week one had a timeline impact and missed a deadline by a day the other didn't have any impact. I've been careful not to make any more since. A couple of weeks later I was called into the office and told my performance was poor and my end of year review would be bad unless I took on more work. I agreed but since then I have been delegated so much work I’m overloaded. I went back in last Friday to ask for some of the work to be reassigned as I was snowed under and unlikely to meet deadlines. This was extremely difficult for me as I struggle to say no at the best of times and with this manager it's far worse. Initially I was guilted into reconsidering. When I said I honestly couldn't get it all done I was told if I didn't complete the work on time and in full, without mistakes that my performance review would suffer, no pay increase or bonus etc. Yes, I see that there is intimidation here but my department has a history of allowing such behaviour so perusing it directly wouldn’t end well.

I was thinking of sharing a written copy of my depression and anxiety diagnosis from my dr. with my company nurse who already knows everything about me but is bound by confidentiality and also the HR manager who is very focused on work life balance. By doing this I am hoping that she will maybe have someone talk to the management team about dealing with employees suffering from mental health issues. I'm hoping raising awareness might push my boss to back off some without having to take on the battle myself...

Opinions please....what would you do?

Mrs OBumble

Is your work safety critical? If so, they might not be able to back off (but OTOH should already have acted to deal with the situation).

Is having a poor performance review this year the end of the world? I remember years ago having a series of life issues all at once, and realising that this year my performance review would simply be a bad one - and that nobody would die as a result. Of course it would be different if a poor review would get you fired.

2RockMountain

In theory, you should be able to disclose a mental health condition. In practice, it can have unintended consequences. Tread carefully, as once you disclose, there is no going back. Only you know the culture of your own organisation, so I'm not sure people here can advise you best.

Do you have other options? Could you have a quiet word with your former boss, who is clearly highly thought of, and see if she can advise you of options, or put in a good word on your behalf.

thisisme

Thanks for replying Mrs.Bumble and 2rockmountain. Very much appreciated and I've given your replies a lot of thought. Yeah the culture of my organisation is very much heteronormative, conservative right wing. Putting myself "out there" may damage my career more than a bad review. Memories are long here it'll take a few years to build back trust but I can do it. I could have a talk with my last boss I wont rush anything - I'll wait and see how things pan out over the next week or two. Again, thanks so much for the replies different perspectives help.