Bad relationship with my mother

LegacyUser

Hey, just looking for some advice on how to approach my relationship with my mother. It goes back a long way but I'll try keep it as concise as possible!

Basically my mother and I have always clashed since I was a teenager, I guess I would have had a lot of mood swings during that time but I was otherwise pretty much a model daughter, always top of my class at school, never came home drunk, only had one boyfriend when I was 17 which was never serious. Things got worse when at 18 I got together with my current boyfriend and started college. At first my mother liked him, but her opinion quickly soured when she started to suspect we were becoming physically intimate, as she is very conservative and doesn't believe in sex before marriage.

During my first two years of college I hated living at home due to how controlling she was; I'd often stay in town in the evening after college, or spend time at my boyfriend's house, but I would always come home and I'd always say if I wasn't going to be home for dinner etc. She didn't like me spending time with him, she accused me of neglecting my studies (I worked very hard and came top of my class every year in college...) and not spending enough time at home with my family. However when I did make an effort to spend evenings at home I was ignored, no one made any effort to talk to me and I felt lonely and unwanted. Furthermore, my mother was becoming increasingly hostile towards mentions of my boyfriend, and I pretty much could never have him over to visit or talk about him much. I saw a therapist during this time because the stress of everything was really affecting me, however when I eventually told my parents this my mother dismissed me and told me I was being 'melodramatic'.

Thankfully, I had the opportunity to move out of home for my last two years of college, and this improved our relationship a lot as we weren't seeing each other every day and my weekend visits home were mostly pleasant. Yet when I finished college and moved back home for the summer before starting my postgraduate studies things broke apart completely. She realised that I had been sleeping with my boyfriend (of 4 years at that time...) since I moved out of home and completely lost it with me. She called me the most hurtful things ever said to me; I was a slut, a whore, disgusting, told I'd disgraced myself and the family, that I'd ruined her life and that my deceased family members would all be ashamed of me.

That summer was the most difficult few months of my life; I was a pariah in my own home, she didn't speak to me for 5 months, when I got my degree results she said nothing, I would hear her talking about me saying the same hurtful things every evening to my father. My father and brother tried to be supportive and said they didn't agree with how I was being treated, but also acted like it was my own fault and made me feel guilty as if I'd caused there to be so much stress. I moved out shortly after and after a few months I eventually agreed to try forget about it and to come home for Christmas. I decided to make an effort to clear the air, I went to a lot of effort to pick out presents for everyone, and really tried to be friendly. But, it was horrible, again comments were made about me behind my back, often while I was in the room. My mother didn't buy me any Christmas presents. I felt awful.

During the year that followed I kept my distance a lot as it hurt me too much to go home or speak to my family much. I got no card, or present, or even a phone call from my mother for my birthday. She had a health scare and I was there immediately, helped bring her to the hospital and explained all the tests to her but I still received nothing but abuse from her. Christmas last year was a small improvement on the previous year but still very difficult for me. Since this fight happened I cannot even mention my boyfriend or she completely loses it again, and I cannot bear to hear her spew abuse about him and his family. She has it in her head that he 'corrupted' me, even though I've explained dozens of times that I have made all my own choices.

Basically now Christmas is looming again and I feel sick at the prospect of having to spend time at home again. I'm not sure what to do going forward. I love my boyfriend, we've been together over 6 years now and we both have every intention of staying together for the long run. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong, or that I should tolerate this. I feel like I should be respected and not being able to talk about my boyfriend or bring him to social events with my family really angers me. I've tried reasoning with my mother hundreds of times but she won't change her views, or accept that mine differ to hers. The only thing really stopping me from just walking away from the situation is the rest of my family, who I love and don't want to be cut off from, but I feel they think it's up to me to somehow fix this. I don't want to hurt them. I think ideally they'd like me to break up with my boyfriend but I absolutely won't do that for the sake of her being happy.

TL;DR my mother pretty much hates me and my boyfriend, makes me miserable, stressed, disrespected and unloved. She's never apologised for the hurtful things she's said and done to me. Should I keep going as I have been, trying to keep my head down and grin and bear it for the sake of the rest of my family? Or should I lay down my terms, refuse to put up with this behaviour anymore and stop having contact with her until she's ready to accept them?

Minera

Hi op you need to let your mother go. She will not change anytime soon and you can either continue to bang your head against a brick wall or try keep yourself happy. As for your brother and father tell them that you want a relationship.with them but you can't resolve it with your mum.
It's likely you will lose contact with your family but you will probably have a happier life. Seek a councillor to help you through this.

RentDayBlues

If this was a friend who was treating you like this would you continue the relationship? Just because you're related to this person doesn't make their toxicity justifiable.

She is not going to change, why would you want this in your life? You need to stop trying to fix what you haven't broken, walk away

s15r330

Life is too short, cut all ties, and when she comes crawling back, which she will, i'd tell her to go back to the 50's where her and her attitude belongs.

Rubberchikken

this is your mother and while i'd love to say cut contact with her, i just can't.
you sound like a decent person who is hurt by her behaviour and she sounds like a woman who has struggled with a teenage/adult daughter and the process of seeing that person grow to become their own person. is she disatisfied with how her life has turned out and doesn't want that for you?

there's no magic words that will fix this, i certainly don't have any. does your dad ever speak to her about her treatment of you?
maybe just letting things calm for the moment, try not to attempt to change/fix things, and maybe in time whatever is behind this will come out.

good luck

amtc

It can change over time. When I was still living at home, I had a long term boyfriend and my mother found a packet of the pill in my room. She ate me about giving myself easily. I must point out I was in my mid 20s and never did anything in my parents's home. When I bought my own house and wasn't seeing anyone she assumed I'd be buying a single bed! However now at 40 something I have a much different relationship. Recently I had to get a new fridge, and met my mother for lunch, and she dropped me home so I asked her in to look at the fridge. A long term friend of mine had stayed the night before... not a boyfriend, although was at one stage....in the spare room. Anyway I'd asked him to stay to accept the fridge. My mother can't stand him...break up was not nice but we've both moved on, he now has kids. Anyway I'd assumed he'd gone home so invited my mother in to see the fridge. There he was naked, smoking and on the phone. She just looked at the fridge, declined to stay for tea and just said very coolly 'your house your rules'. Turns out the friend decided to work from my house but had gone out in the rain and got soaked so had decided to wash his clothes.

What I did after the pill incident was talk to my aunt who had a quiet word with my mother. My mam recently said to me that she was going through menopause and had desperate mood swings. In the cul de sac where we lived, there were 2 suicides and 2 lesbians....so she accepted that I wasn't virginal!

Merkin

Your Mother is not going to change. While I'd be very reluctant to shut her out completely I certainly wouldn't be subjecting myself to Christmas with her and only in future meet her on neutral territory to take away some of that power she feels she can exert over you. Why don't you and your boyfriend enjoy a romantic Christmas together, just the two of you? That in itself is a clear message that you're serious about him and you'll get to enjoy a stress free Christmas?

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

this is your mother and while i'd love to say cut contact with her, i just can't.
you sound like a decent person who is hurt by her behaviour and she sounds like a woman who has struggled with a teenage/adult daughter and the process of seeing that person grow to become their own person. is she disatisfied with how her life has turned out and doesn't want that for you?

there's no magic words that will fix this, i certainly don't have any. does your dad ever speak to her about her treatment of you?
maybe just letting things calm for the moment, try not to attempt to change/fix things, and maybe in time whatever is behind this will come out.

good luck

He does, but at the same time he frequently asks me to try improve things with her too which is really difficult to hear because ultimately it feels like he doesn't understand how negatively this is affecting me. I've always got on great with him but I can see how stressed and sad this whole thing is making him and I feel terrible about it but at the same time know there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm currently hoping to emigrate for a while in the next year or two and hope putting some distance between us helps. But I've no idea how to go about my life until that's possible.

LegacyUser

amtc wrote: »

It can change over time. When I was still living at home, I had a long term boyfriend and my mother found a packet of the pill in my room. She ate me about giving myself easily. I must point out I was in my mid 20s and never did anything in my parents's home. When I bought my own house and wasn't seeing anyone she assumed I'd be buying a single bed! However now at 40 something I have a much different relationship. Recently I had to get a new fridge, and met my mother for lunch, and she dropped me home so I asked her in to look at the fridge. A long term friend of mine had stayed the night before... not a boyfriend, although was at one stage....in the spare room. Anyway I'd asked him to stay to accept the fridge. My mother can't stand him...break up was not nice but we've both moved on, he now has kids. Anyway I'd assumed he'd gone home so invited my mother in to see the fridge. There he was naked, smoking and on the phone. She just looked at the fridge, declined to stay for tea and just said very coolly 'your house your rules'. Turns out the friend decided to work from my house but had gone out in the rain and got soaked so had decided to wash his clothes.

What I did after the pill incident was talk to my aunt who had a quiet word with my mother. My mam recently said to me that she was going through menopause and had desperate mood swings. In the cul de sac where we lived, there were 2 suicides and 2 lesbians....so she accepted that I wasn't virginal!

I know she's talked to my aunt about it because she's close to her sister, who is a lot more reasonable a person than her, and her own daughters had kids before they were married etc. I know she probably told her times have changed and she has to accept it now, and when I see my aunt she's always sympathetic to me and asks how my boyfriend is etc. But she obviously hasn't taken it to heart, my cousin is getting married soon and I'm not allowed bring my boyfriend, even though my aunt told me he was welcome. It just hurts.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Your Mother is not going to change. While I'd be very reluctant to shut her out completely I certainly wouldn't be subjecting myself to Christmas with her and only in future meet her on neutral territory to take away some of that power she feels she can exert over you. Why don't you and your boyfriend enjoy a romantic Christmas together, just the two of you? That in itself is a clear message that you're serious about him and you'll get to enjoy a stress free Christmas?

I would love to do that, but I know I'd really upset my dad if I did. We're a small family and don't see any other relatives on Christmas so he'd find it lonely if I wasn't there. I usually stay the full week of Christmas to New Years though, maybe this year I'll say I only want to come for Christmas Day so I can at least enjoy the rest of the period.

Merkin

Tired&Hurt wrote: »

I know she's talked to my aunt about it because she's close to her sister, who is a lot more reasonable a person than her, and her own daughters had kids before they were married etc. I know she probably told her times have changed and she has to accept it now, and when I see my aunt she's always sympathetic to me and asks how my boyfriend is etc. But she obviously hasn't taken it to heart, my cousin is getting married soon and I'm not allowed bring my boyfriend, even though my aunt told me he was welcome. It just hurts.

Tired&Hurt wrote: »

I would love to do that, but I know I'd really upset my dad if I did. We're a small family and don't see any other relatives on Christmas so he'd find it lonely if I wasn't there. I usually stay the full week of Christmas to New Years though, maybe this year I'll say I only want to come for Christmas Day so I can at least enjoy the rest of the period.

I'm sorry but you categorically have to stand up to this woman and stop pandering to her. Bring your boyfriend to the wedding, especially as your Auntie said it's fine and if you insist on going home for Christmas then pop in for the meal and as soon you've wiped your chops and help clear up I'd leave. And stop engaging with her on any meaningful level, I.e. Tell her very little about your life or your plans and just remain civil.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I'm sorry but you categorically have to stand up to this woman and stop pandering to her. Bring your boyfriend to the wedding, especially as your Auntie said it's fine and if you insist on going home for Christmas then pop in for the meal and as soon you've wiped your chops and help clear up I'd leave. And stop engaging with her on any meaningful level, I.e. Tell her very little about your life or your plans and just remain civil.

I know I should I just find it really difficult, she has been through a lot of serious illnesses etc and I know that's no excuse for her behaviour and tbh and I think she uses it to play the victim a bit too much. But I'm worried I'll be accused of being heartless or whatever, even though I've always been there to help when she was sick.

I'd love to bring my boyfriend to the wedding but tbh he struggles with depression and doesn't do well in awkward social situations, I wouldn't dream of putting him in a situation like that where there might be confrontation.

I'll definitely make a point of spending as little time at home for Christmas as I can, anyway. I already don't talk to her about my life much, mainly because she doesn't ask, she doesn't even really know what I work as.

Fakediamond

By the sounds of things, she cannot just be unreasonable with you, that wouldn't make sense. So if she is unreasonable with others, like your dad, for example, then he is making his own choice to put up with her spoilt, entitled behaviour. It's not your job to try and make him happy, you have your own life to lead.

Go home for Christmas if you want, but don't do it because your dad won't be happy if you don't. It sounds like he wants you to appease her, which probably makes life easier for him as well. I wouldn't buy into this toxic drama that she has created. It's not really about sleeping with your boyfriend, it's about abuse and control, if there was no boyfriend, I'm sure she'd find something else to pick a fight with you about.

Make a decision to be happy, despite her, and get professional help, if you need it, to help you to deal with it all. I doubt that she will ever change, that would require insight into her behaviour and there's no indication in your post that she has any.

amtc

I found it a lot easier to talk to my aunt. Funnily enough she isn't that close to her own daughters or son. It was only at a funeral that we all found out my cousin has a girlfriend of FIVE years. My dad is very unsociable so I go to most weddings etc. with my mam.

If you are as you say planning to emigrate don't create any bad memories. If she knows this maybe just trying to cling on?

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your responses. I think you've all sussed her out right, she is spoilt and entitled and used to getting her own way. We've clashed on other things in the past and I don't think she'll ever be happy unless I live my life exactly how she wants me to. I know my father and brother (who still lives at home) find her difficult to deal with but I guess I should try my best just to look out for myself at this stage and stop putting myself in her sights just to make them happy. I just don't want to fall out with them too, I already feel like they've stopped talking to me as much in recent months, I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm not making enough of an effort or something else.

amtc wrote: »

I found it a lot easier to talk to my aunt. Funnily enough she isn't that close to her own daughters or son. It was only at a funeral that we all found out my cousin has a girlfriend of FIVE years. My dad is very unsociable so I go to most weddings etc. with my mam.

If you are as you say planning to emigrate don't create any bad memories. If she knows this maybe just trying to cling on?

I haven't said it to my parents that I plan on emigrating so that's not it. My mother still seems to think I'm going to move back home once I've finished my postgraduate studies next year, which will definitely start a row when she finds out I'm moving in with my boyfriend!

Fakediamond

Id say they've reduced their contact with you to make life easier for themselves, after all, they have to live with her every day. But everyone finds a way to survive and cope as best they can and this is probably the only strategy that they know. Your brother has learned this from your father. You're the one that got away, so to speak, and that enrages her, the fact that she is losing control.

Over the years and with lots of therapy (!) you'll probably have compassion for her narrow view of life, she doesn't have any other coping strategy either. In her worldview, the only way to hang onto people is to keep them on a short leash. I wonder how she was parented herself or how she got along with her own mother? I bet that would explain a lot about how she is now.

juno10353

Had similar situation for years. Eventually met mother on neuteral grounds for coffee. Explained I was unhappy with situation. Mother said she had no idea what I was on about and that I was making waves. Explained that I was upset and that now I had explained what had upset me and made her aware of it that I would expect it to stop. I also said that if she wanted to be shown respect she also had to show respect, I suggested we draw a line under the past and start again as two adults. The next meeting, at family wedding, was polite though stiff. Since then ..... 10 years on...... this politeness has grown into mutual respect and caring and has benifited the whole family. Do this before christmas. Explain that you will only be able to attend if you feel you can see each other as respectful adults, otherwise, visit on the morning, exchange gifts in a friendly and respectful manner, and arrage lunch with your bf. Hope 2017 is the start of your adult relationship with your mother.

LegacyUser

juno10353 wrote: »

Had similar situation for years. Eventually met mother on neuteral grounds for coffee. Explained I was unhappy with situation. Mother said she had no idea what I was on about and that I was making waves. Explained that I was upset and that now I had explained what had upset me and made her aware of it that I would expect it to stop. I also said that if she wanted to be shown respect she also had to show respect, I suggested we draw a line under the past and start again as two adults. The next meeting, at family wedding, was polite though stiff. Since then ..... 10 years on...... this politeness has grown into mutual respect and caring and has benifited the whole family. Do this before christmas. Explain that you will only be able to attend if you feel you can see each other as respectful adults, otherwise, visit on the morning, exchange gifts in a friendly and respectful manner, and arrage lunch with your bf. Hope 2017 is the start of your adult relationship with your mother.

I've tried this before but in the past it's always ended up with her explaining again how much my actions have apparently hurt her etc. I guess I'll try it one more time before Christmas and see if she's willing to treat me like an adult.

As for her upbringing, she grew up in a very conservative household but was very close to her parents, and always followed exactly what they said. I never knew my grandparents because they died when I was very young, but if I had to guess I'd say she is like this from a combination of belief that doing things against your parent's wishes is disrespectful (even as an adult), and a nostalgia for her own parents. She still talks about them all the time, what they would and would not have approved of etc. Maybe it's jealousy, I don't know.

juno10353

Tired&Hurt wrote:

I've tried this before but in the past it's always ended up with her explaining again how much my actions have apparently hurt her etc. I guess I'll try it one more time before Christmas and see if she's willing to treat me like an adult.

Do try it once more. Acknowledge she may have felt hurt by your actions but that that had never been your intention. Ask that you both put the past in the past and draw a line under it. And that you both move forward as adult women. No dredging up past issues. If she agrees, then give each other a hug and move on, being respectful of each others differing opinions. Agree to disagree on some points. Have a good Christmas, and go where makes you happy. Your choice will depend on outcome of your chat. Acknowledge you are different but that is okay as you can both be respectful in your differences. And good luck. Its down to your mum thereafter. You will know you tried your best

oil painting

Hi... well after the Post Grad etc there will be work coming your way or future options?, and a lot of people move in with partner or other professionals it was the whole point of studying to get workin and a place to live? Sounds like you understand why she is being like that with you, a combo of fear of loss? To keep a part of her parents alive she sees herself in you and then treats you the same expecting positive results. She may regret not getting the know the real you and enjoying the home time while you were there because realistically you cant stay on if you have a BF and a new job.

I have a cruel abusive mother i have to stay away from and im 38 now it has never eased and the child seen and not heard thing got worse made me feel quite adequate as a person but i am on my own since im 18, did college myself she tried to sabotage my life at every corner but i knew id keep getting anxiety and panic if i allowed her control me. The more independent and successful i became the more her and my sisters hated on me.My case is extreme in there was a lot of violence and abuse and drawing a line was very important but was really hard at xmasses bdays etc. Anyways what i started doing when i was happy in art college was focus on my dreams my goals things that made my soul sing. Or almost like a map of my prioritizes, once you see them all and even things you get excited about family control becomes secondary and a way is found to follow the happy stuff.

Also your female line, your the only other girl some mums changes when they become a granny, and end up being the most easy goin!

I would just advise to priortise yourself as much as possible and allow for a transition with them all, change your role as the boys seem to handle it different and you look a little scapegoated, focus on an ending and go for it, they just have to accpet it eventually, all the best.