Advice on dealing with controlling parents?

AbraCadaver

Hi guys, apologies if this gets a bit long.

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with my incredibly controlling parents. Their actions are taking a really negative toll on both my social life, and my mental health.

I'm usually in college from 8 until 6, and i'm expected to be home by 7 at the latest. Not allowed to hang out with friends. Dating is out of the question. Their main excuse is that any form of social activity will mean i'm not focusing on studying for my exams. I just finished week 4. There isn't much to study, really. My grades are above average, too. It's not as though i'm on the verge of failing, so I don't really see what the issue is.

Their controlling nature means i'm left with basically no friends. I do chat with people in my course during breaks, but it's not enough to get to know them properly. I tried asking to be let off the hook for maybe one or two nights a week, just to hang out with people. I don't want to stay out until crazy hours of the morning, either. Just want to stick around until the evening, so in my eyes it shouldn't be a problem. The fact that i'm not allowed to make friends has contributed towards my loneliness and depression.

I joined a few clubs in my college, however they always act disappointed that i'm "wasting my time" on such things, which leaves me feeling guilty, and overall just pretty ****ty. An event is coming up in one of the societies which I am super excited about, however it involves a weekend away. I mentioned it, and the whole idea was shot down immediately. I wasn't looking for money; I can fully finance and prepare for the trip on my own, out of my own pocket. And yet, I still cannot go. They know how much it means to me, but think it's a waste of time, and are generally unwilling to discuss it.

The funny thing is, my aunt is quite similar when it comes to my cousin. My parents make fun of my aunt for being so strict, and yet they don't see their own hypocrisy. The same cousin failed a year of college because he was dedicated to basketball and didn't focus on his exams, and they are absolutely convinced i'll be the same. I tried (politely) asking them to not compare me to him, and to trust me a little bit, since i've never given them reason to doubt me. That didn't work.

I'm looking for any sort of input when it comes to my situation. If anyone has any advice, or if someone is in a similar situation to me, please, let me know! I'm just not sure if i'm simply being unreasonable, or if they are being way too overprotective.

oil painting

Jasus... college days are supposed to be fun, the personal freedom is about learning life experience too. Can you move out? If your over 18?

janja

You need to sit down with your parents and tell them how you are feeling , you are an adult and they are not in control anymore , you need to act on this , your mental health is more important than your parents opinion

The Raptor

You're in college, so you're basically 18? An adult?

You don't have to ask their permission. I'd say you wouldn't have to tell them when you did things. But considering you have a curfew, they might be the worrying type so i would tell them so that they realise you're a big girl now. Give them a call some evening and tell them you went out after college and won't be home until whatever time. The later the better, they have to learn to let go.

December2012

What happens at the weekends?

Fakediamond

Is there something else going on with them? Are they very religious? Do you have older/younger siblings? How is it for them?

Their behaviour seems very extreme. If they're impossible to talk to, I would just push the boundaries gradually, a late evening here and there to attend your clubs/societies, until they come to accept that this is how college life is. Maybe they didn't go to college themselves and don't really understand that this is part of growing up and a rite of passage, as well as a basic human right for you. You have to be able to socialise with people your own age, otherwise they are crippling your overall emotional development. If you find it overwhelming, ask to see the college counsellor, who might be able to advise you in how to tackle it with your parents.

Airyfairy12

If I was you id just go without their permission, why are you even asking them? if youre old and smart enough to go to college then youre old and smart enough to make some simple choices for yourself like meeting up with college mates after classes or on weekends.
My mam was really controlling with me too, me socialising was always a big problem with her, it just ended up in me rebelling and by 15 I was taking drugs, drinking, smoking and sneaking out. I dont recommend you go that far but push the boundaries a bit, stop asking their permission for silly things like going away for a weekend or hanging out with people after college, youre not a little child and should be making some decisions for yourself.

You could work on moving out by next year, ask around college friends if theyre looking for a room mate or check college notice boards, id tell your parents out straight that you find their controlling behaviour smothering and you cant live with them any longer.

retro:electro

Why are you even asking them for their permission? Are you 18 yet? "Hi mam and dad I'm going away next weekend, just letting ye know". You are giving them too much power by asking them can you go, you're an adult now so just say "I've it paid for and I'm looking forward to going. The decision is made".
The fact that they are dictating how you spend your day is worrying. What they're doing is preventing you from developing and becoming an independent adult. To be honest I would call it abuse.

silverbolt

Yeah I'm with the general consensus here. They need to cut the apron strings somewhat.

Can you move out at all? Go in with some people at college and enjoy life?

Your parents wont like it. In thier own way they are trying to protect you (or are one of these middle class irish families obsessed with status) but they have let you make your own choices in life

eviltwin

You're an adult, you don't need their permission. Stop telling them about what you're doing or what you're schedule is. All they need to know is if you're.going to be out late. Start living your life.

Skibunny77

Op, it's easy for people here to tell you to just stand up to your parents, obviously difficult for you to do. I think you need to have a one off discussion with them, acknowledge their concerns about study but tell them them gently, that you are no longer prepared to be treated like a child. Tell them that you are surrounded by other successful students who do well in exams and partake in social activities, that you understand that they are worried, but that you are not going to continue to run everything by them, you are an adult and your first year exams will prove how responsible you are. The reality is you're unlikely to change them through words, you will just have to show them through actions that you value things they don't, that you are a responsible student. Go on the weekend away. If you continue to ask for permission as a child, they will treat you like one. If needs be, tell them you have confided in a Gp, lecturer, counsellor about how this makes you feel (and do talk to these people!) and highlight the advice you have been given. They may threaten to pull fees etc, you need to acknowledge that is their choice (they won't!) but stay firm and clear. Stop waiting for their agreement, it's not going to come.

retro:electro

Your parents need to understand that the most successful students are the ones who have the right balance between social life and study. It's unhealthy and cruel to expect someone to be a study machine 24/7 and avoid all human interaction as though any minute conversation will cause you to go off the rails. I actually think their controlling nature towards you is very worrying. People will give them a lot of leeway because they are your parents, and to a certain extent have the power to tell you what to do. But not to this extent. Can you imagine if this was a boyfriend/girlfriend the op was posting about? Not allowing them even speak to people at college and has to be home at 7 on the dot. You need to speak to someone about this op. It's not right at all.

stinkle

It's so important to have college friends, too. It can be a stressful time and looking back, my mates from that time are the family I've chosen for myself. You don't need to be going drinking 24/7 if that's what your folks are worried about, but you do need a social life in college.

Societies and clubs are a great way to start, and just striking up conversation in lectures with people us grand too, everyone is a bit shy in the beginning and is open to chatting when the chance arises.

You don't need to ask permission, but i get that you want to minimise conflict at home. Can you stay late at the library for example? Or will you need to work on group projects? Things like that will help them realise a curfew is silly, and they may get to enjoy their own freedom if you are off living your student life.

Humour Me

It would also be worth pointing out your parents that employers want more than good grades from college students these days. You could show them some of the applications for some of the grad programmes that are going on at the moment, eg team work, project managements, skills that being a member of societies will help you develop. It might help them see that restricting you would actually be a disadvantage in the long run.

Are you the eldest or first to go to college by any chance? I was the first to go the college, and while I didn't live at home, my mam called nearly everyday to start with, it was a big adjustment for her that she didn't know where i was or who i was with all the time. Your parents may not have realised how big a change there is between secondary school and college.

The Wolverine

I wonder maybe is the problem if the OP doesn't do as they say they threaten to kick her out and she probably couldn't afford anywhere if so and hence being afraid to tell them get stuffed

amtc

It's their problem. But if you leave it will only escalate. I'm in my 40s, only child. My parents hadn't a clue what I was doing in university days, but as long as I rang home were fine. The only time they ... Quite understandably...went demented was when I was supposed to come home from a two week holiday and instead decided to go off for a few days with a holiday romance. Turned into a long term relationship mind you. However you need to set boundaries. I am very close to my mam and ring her a few times a day, but if I said to her I was heading off for six months she'd be fine. Mind you this is a woman who went to Australia without telling my dad and stayed for 3 months. My dad on the other hand is a helicopter parent. When Mam was away he instituted a practice of phoning me at 8.30am and pm to check I was alive and inform me he was. Last Friday I was off and slept through the am phone call. I was late to get my nails done so couldn't answer the phone. I had twelve missed calls by 10am to my landline and mobile and 2 emails plus he'd rung my mam in Australia to ask where the spare key to mine was! I read him the riot act. In his case I think it's loneliness. My best friend, same age, is instructed by her family to attend every Sunday or her dad won't speak to her, so much so she cancelled going away for her husband's birthday!

I would agree that college life should be for growing as a person. I did...and I got a first

LynnGrace

Have you posted about this previously, OP?

Noo

Humour Me wrote: »

It would also be worth pointing out your parents that employers want more than good grades from college students these days. You could show them some of the applications for some of the grad programmes that are going on at the moment, eg team work, project managements, skills that being a member of societies will help you develop. It might help them see that restricting you would actually be a disadvantage in the long run.

This a million times yes! Mainly because my job is an example of this. The way my boss sees it, if you have the relevent degree then youre smart enough to learn on the job, even if youve never studied our line of work. I never did and im there five years as a senior employee. What will not make you a permanent member of staff (i.e. past your probation period) is if you don't get along with others in the office, he doesn't care how smart you are if you don't interact with other team members and have a bit of personality youre a goner. End of the day he wants to work with people he likes. This is a consulting engineering field btw.

LynnGrace

The reason I asked if you had posted previously is that there was a similar thread and the advice on it might prove useful to you, as the situation sounds very similar to yours.

homerjay2005

can you afford to move out, get your own place?

thats key to a successful college social life.

Xterminator

OP

do you contribute to the house or are you living there rent free?
are your parents paying for college or have you other arrangements?
Have you ever been in trouble before?

because if you are living at home rent free and they are paying for your college education, they they should get a large say in what are are doing. also if you have a history that might explain the tight reigns they hold on you.

having to be home by 7, is extreme. i would wonder why that is. have you ever calmly asked why? it doesnt seem 'normal' but i would wonder that you have no idea why that is?

If your paying your own way, of course you should have the freedoms that go along with that. if you can get a parttime job, you can look for a roomshare etc & stand on your own 2 feet. perhap you shuld look into that.

Snookercues

Hi OP,

I am a lot older than you, but my parents were / are extremely controlling - I am almost 40 and they still (try) to treat me like I am a child.

I know a lot of people are saying "just go and do it anyway, sure you are 18!", but what I know can happen with controlling parents is that they somehow guilt you or punish you by saying " well, you are living with us.... we are paying for your bus ticket / enrollment fees etc etc etc" - basically making it seem that they are doing everything for you, and you are giving nothing back in return.

I think the best solution is to try and change the situation gradually - maybe a night every few weeks, then once a week etc, so that they can see that you are responsible etc.

I don't mean to be a pessimist, but they are really unlikely to hugely change, its how you deal with it thats important - the more independent you become in your life as you move through college /get a job etc, the easier it will become.

GOod luck.

Charles Babbage

Don't initially stay out for social activity, but go to a debate or some public lecture etc in college for which there is no rational objection. Beware of getting your laundry, food etc at home in a dependent relationship, but contribute to doing these things as "you are no longer a child"

There was some discussion of this issue of the change from school to college on RTE radio, maybe Wednesday, on the Sean O'Rourke show.

Mango Joe

Your parents need to cop on. Don't mind feeling guilty, you seem like a rock of sense to me. Not sure that I can offer any good advice but thought some confirmation that you're the sane, reasonable party here might help or assure you to some small degree..... Are you an only child? Do your parents have no tv or hobby or hamster to obsess over and mismanage? (Lame half-joke sorry, don't mean any disrespect, best of luck to ya sincerely) PS maybe let them know if they don't see sense you'll be living in Toronto forever starting the day after graduation.....