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Unhappy relationship fixable?

  • 14-10-2016 2:44pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I’m male, mid 30s and was in a relationship for 14 years. We’re not married but were engaged and we don’t have kids. We have been unhappy for a while. Not all bad but more downs than ups. We got into a rut and the relationship fizzled out. Had an argument last weekend after a particularly bad couple of weeks and she said it’s over. I was angry and agreed we should break up. She left and is living with her parents at the moment.

    After calming down and having time and space to reflect, I’m not sure it’s the right decision. I think there are reasons for the unhappiness that we can overcome. We’ve had a hard few years. We both lost our jobs at the same time and have rarely both been in employment at the same time since. So money has been tight and that has impacted our lifestyle. Lack of nights out, weekends away etc.. On top of that there were a number of family issues on her side, including her dad having a stroke. So that brought more stress. She has suffered from anxiety and depression since before all this, so this period was extra difficult for her.

    However, all of the above issues (bar the depression) are now improved. We’re both in steady employment (only since August). Family issues are better. In my eyes, now is our best opportunity at getting back to being happy. We got through a really tough period without breaking up. Now when there should be light at the end of the tunnel, we’ve split. I think if we put effort into the relationship we could get back what we had. Unfortunately, she doesn’t agree with me and thinks it’s too late. All she has said is she’s bored and we’re just not getting on.

    Throwing away 14 years without trying to fix things doesn’t seem right to me. Especially, just as things should have started getting better. The timing is strange. I might be clutching at straws because obviously we both have to want to try and repair the relationship for there to be any hope.

    The reason for the thread, is I have a couple of questions:

    1) Anyone have experience of a similar situation? What was the outcome? There’s tons of articles on different websites about this happening to couples and how it is possible to take steps to get the spark back.

    2) Anyone have experience of antidepressants having an impact on relationships? My ex has been on Prozac for about 1 year now. It did help with anxiety etc. But I also feel it contributed to the breakdown of our relationship and changed her feelings towards me. Multiple examples on the internet of people talking about Prozac having that effect on them and then their feelings for their partner returning after coming off it.

    Thanks for reading.


Comments

  • #2
    silverbolt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    1) My longest relationship was 8 years. For about 5-6 we were good but then it ultimately went downhil when we started playing stupid games with each other. It cultimated that she cheated. In my state i tried to fix it but she didnt want to.
    2) I was never on prozac but I was on antidepressants for about 2 years but i didnt feel it had a negative impact on us.

    OP 14 years is certainly a long time for everything to be gone in one petty fight. If you think it can be resolved by all means see if you can get that spark back.

    One of the biggest problems in relationships is keeping the magic if not hopping all the time then at least ticking over


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok if you were to get back together, and in your words not throw away your shared history of 14 years, what would be the plan? As in there has to be a direction, some goal, a next step for the relationship. Things it appears have been stuck in a rut with no growth and with resentment and boredom festering. .
    She says she is bored, and that is a feeling that is hard to get rid of in a relationship. She is looking for some novelty, something new something to bring back the spark. But anything that will do that will quickly disappear and go back to the way things were. That's because you're together so long that you won't have much surprises, you will know pretty much everything about each other. You and her have to adjust your expectations because this is not anywhere near a new relationship. There will undoubtably be boredom. But that is life. You have to make yourself happy, not rely on your partner to do that. A goal or something to look forward to would help in this feeling of being stuck. If you get back together get planning, whether it's the wedding or house, holiday, create a situation where there is always something to look forward to. There has to be the feeling of growth, moving forward or else things stagnate and it's a horrible feeling. Either move forward with one another or move on from each other. Don't stay in this void of indecision. Give her the space she wants, suggest a length of time for it, and let her know that if you get back together things won't be the same and you will be moving forward and making plans, that in itself and the momentum builds excitement, always have something to look forward to. I don't believe there are wrong decisions in life, the important thing is to make the decision and let the chips fall where they may and let life happen.


  • #4
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    I genuinely believe a couple can work out any issues as long as there's a will to do so on both sides. The fact that she still wants to move on after time apart to reflect seems to indicate it's not there on her side sadly.

    Your logic for sticking with it is natural (I've been there myself) but also ultimately a bit off. Nothing lasts forever, no matter what we spend a finite amount of time with a partner, so just because you've spent 14 years together doesn't mean you should continue when things appear to have run their course. To that logic I'll give you this: why not get out now while you're still relatively young and have a good shot at finding and building a happy life with someone else? Certainly seems more appealing than another 8 unhappy years trying to force it with someone then having to do the same task when you're older and it's significantly more difficult to rebuild.

    I think your investment bias is skewing your judgement here. You see the way to solve the problems and think you should do so because it's all so clear in your head...but you're ignoring the fact that she just doesn't seem to want to fix them. So even if you did come through all of this, that apathy on her part will likely just create new problems for you to try and fix.

    Don't fix things because it's a challenge to complete and seems easier, fix things with her because she's the one you love, that you want to grow old with and experience all of the rest of your life's ups and downs with. You had a blank sheet of paper in front of you and the fact you put (essentially) the former instead of the latter is telling.

    It's mentally exhausting being in a bad relationship. There's no shame in relationships failing, like I said even the strongest ones have a finite amount of time together. Give the both of you a shot at happiness and try accept that this appears to be over. If it's not, you won't be able to live without each other and things will sort themselves out anyway. But right now the will and energy just doesn't seem to be there on either end.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    silverbolt wrote: »
    1) My longest relationship was 8 years. For about 5-6 we were good but then it ultimately went downhil when we started playing stupid games with each other. It cultimated that she cheated. In my state i tried to fix it but she didnt want to.
    2) I was never on prozac but I was on antidepressants for about 2 years but i didnt feel it had a negative impact on us.

    OP 14 years is certainly a long time for everything to be gone in one petty fight. If you think it can be resolved by all means see if you can get that spark back.

    One of the biggest problems in relationships is keeping the magic if not hopping all the time then at least ticking over

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    It wasn’t just one petty fight though. Things were bad for a while. But like I said, I thought we were in a position now where things could start to improve.
    Tree567321 wrote: »
    Ok if you were to get back together, and in your words not throw away your shared history of 14 years, what would be the plan? As in there has to be a direction, some goal, a next step for the relationship. Things it appears have been stuck in a rut with no growth and with resentment and boredom festering. .
    She says she is bored, and that is a feeling that is hard to get rid of in a relationship. She is looking for some novelty, something new something to bring back the spark. But anything that will do that will quickly disappear and go back to the way things were. That's because you're together so long that you won't have much surprises, you will know pretty much everything about each other. You and her have to adjust your expectations because this is not anywhere near a new relationship. There will undoubtably be boredom. But that is life. You have to make yourself happy, not rely on your partner to do that. A goal or something to look forward to would help in this feeling of being stuck. If you get back together get planning, whether it's the wedding or house, holiday, create a situation where there is always something to look forward to. There has to be the feeling of growth, moving forward or else things stagnate and it's a horrible feeling. Either move forward with one another or move on from each other. Don't stay in this void of indecision. Give her the space she wants, suggest a length of time for it, and let her know that if you get back together things won't be the same and you will be moving forward and making plans, that in itself and the momentum builds excitement, always have something to look forward to. I don't believe there are wrong decisions in life, the important thing is to make the decision and let the chips fall where they may and let life happen.

    Agree with all this.
    There would have to be changes on both sides. Things would be different.
    The plan would be to make these changes and give us a few months to see if we could recapture what we had. Worst that can happen is we end up in this same situation in say Feb/Mar and call it a day then.
    I have mentioned this to her already and suggested a break away.
    leggo wrote: »
    I genuinely believe a couple can work out any issues as long as there's a will to do so on both sides. The fact that she still wants to move on after time apart to reflect seems to indicate it's not there on her side sadly.

    Your logic for sticking with it is natural (I've been there myself) but also ultimately a bit off. Nothing lasts forever, no matter what we spend a finite amount of time with a partner, so just because you've spent 14 years together doesn't mean you should continue when things appear to have run their course. To that logic I'll give you this: why not get out now while you're still relatively young and have a good shot at finding and building a happy life with someone else? Certainly seems more appealing than another 8 unhappy years trying to force it with someone then having to do the same task when you're older and it's significantly more difficult to rebuild.

    I certainly wouldn’t waste 8 years. If we made the necessary changes and things didn’t improve in a few months, I’d be happier to call it a day then. The doubts I have now wouldn’t be there then.
    Building a happy life with someone else? Of course that’s possible but difficult to picture right now. That will change with time.
    leggo wrote: »
    I think your investment bias is skewing your judgement here. You see the way to solve the problems and think you should do so because it's all so clear in your head...but you're ignoring the fact that she just doesn't seem to want to fix them. So even if you did come through all of this, that apathy on her part will likely just create new problems for you to try and fix.

    You could well be right with the investment bias but I’m not ignoring her feelings. It would need commitment on both sides. I’ve said to her I know it wouldn’t work if her heart isn’t in it and if she doesn’t want to try fix things there’s no point.
    leggo wrote: »
    Don't fix things because it's a challenge to complete and seems easier, fix things with her because she's the one you love, that you want to grow old with and experience all of the rest of your life's ups and downs with. You had a blank sheet of paper in front of you and the fact you put (essentially) the former instead of the latter is telling.

    It's mentally exhausting being in a bad relationship. There's no shame in relationships failing, like I said even the strongest ones have a finite amount of time together. Give the both of you a shot at happiness and try accept that this appears to be over. If it's not, you won't be able to live without each other and things will sort themselves out anyway. But right now the will and energy just doesn't seem to be there on either end.

    Ya, interesting points there.


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