Shut your effing mouth

flix1

Is it ever okay for your husband to say 'shut your effing' mouth and 'shut the eff up'. Mine shouted this at me the last day. I was stunned. We fight, but he seemed so angry when when spat this out at me. He also told he 'hated being married to me' .....I'm heartbroken. I haven't spoke to him since..that was 2 days ago...I just feel like crying and am crying most of the time since.

Piggystardust

Come on OP, what do you think the general consensus is gonna be here? Oh yeah, it's totally fine for him to say that with venom!

Having said that, people lose their cool and say things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean. I'd let it go if it's a once off but would make it clear to him he's never to speak to me that way again. I'd also ask if he meant what he said about hating being married to you.

If he shows no remorse, you've got yourself an issue, if he's genuinely sorry and didn't mean it then kiss and make up but don't stand for it twice.

I understand your shock btw. I hate being shouted at and my ex said WAY worse then that to me on a daily basis. I was a fool but I've since learned.

You'll be ok OP xxx

baby and crumble

I'd put more thought into him saying he hates being married to you tbh.

GingerLily

Its a pretty horrible thing to say, what were you arguing about? Are you using this as a way to win the argument? Does your partner in general show respect to you?

Mr. Incognito

I dont think disrespect like that is ever okay.

I'm a guy. I've had loads of fights with exes but stuff like that is kinda escalating it to my mind. I'm not saying people arent prone to outbursts and everyone is different, but for me, no. That's not acceptable.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and see whats behind this.

Big Bag of Chips

It depends... That's just the way some people talk. The hating being married to you is a concern. I'm not getting into victim blaming but with zero context its hard to know. What the row was about, what you had said previously. Had you provoked him? Had you somehow hit a nerve he didn't like.

But in general, no, it's clearly not ok for any couple to speak to each other like that. I'd be devastated if I was spoken to like that, but I've seen couples who speak like that to each other and it seems to be normal for them!

arayess

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I dont think disrespect like that is ever okay.

I'm a guy. I've had loads of fights with exes but stuff like that is kinda escalating it to my mind. I'm not saying people arent prone to outbursts and everyone is different, but for me, no. That's not acceptable.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and see whats behind this.

i don't think it's the end of the world
if he says it constantly , for sure.
but a once off isn't something to get crazy about .

it's really up to the OP to talk about it with her husband and not be asking randomers to look inside the head of somebody they don't know - about a one off incident.

flix1

arayess wrote: »

i don't think it's the end of the world
if he says it constantly , for sure.
but a once off isn't something to get crazy about .

it's really up to the OP to talk about it with her husband and not be asking randomers to look inside the head of somebody they don't know - about a one off incident.

I'm looking to see how acceptable others find this type of swearing. If it was one off that'd be okay but it's not & I just don't know what to do. I'm no angel but I'd never say things like that to him. For some reason this time I just feel so so sad. And there's no sign from him that he's going to apologise anytime soon. I haven't asked him to either. I'm normally the peacemaker everytime I just can't do it this time.

flix1

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It depends... That's just the way some people talk. The hating being married to you is a concern. I'm not getting into victim blaming but with zero context its hard to know. What the row was about, what you had said previously. Had you provoked him? Had you somehow hit a nerve he didn't like.

But in general, no, it's clearly not ok for any couple to speak to each other like that. I'd be devastated if I was spoken to like that, but I've seen couples who speak like that to each other and it seems to be normal for them!

I don't think I did tbh...I didn't name call or get Agro...I just said that I couldn't take anymore of his moods. That he was being moody & it wasn't fair on me. The he just lost it. He's always moody after he minds the kids for the day.

flix1

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I dont think disrespect like that is ever okay.

I'm a guy. I've had loads of fights with exes but stuff like that is kinda escalating it to my mind. I'm not saying people arent prone to outbursts and everyone is different, but for me, no. That's not acceptable.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and see whats behind this.

Do you think I should ask for an apology ? I don't even how how to start this conversation. As I said below I always make the first move...always... I never stay silent like this...I just feel so hurt

Fridge

I always go for the extreme measures, but I'd be packing my bags at that point. It's not so much the bad language but the whole picture you've painted. If he's really moody and takes it out on you just because he minds both of your kids sometimes, then what good is he?

tara73

it doesn't sound good OP. As poster above said, it's not only the completely disrespectful shouting at you, it's the whole picture. no respect, no behaviour. and you are always the one making up for it again. This makes me angry for you.
You need to sit him down and tell him you are not accepting his behaviour anymore. He needs to listen. If he's not willing to even listen to you, you have your answer anyway. No need to stay with such a man, it's more hassle, heartbreak and not good for the kids either. Can't imagine he's staying calm with the kids when he's in such a mood after minding them. I think you need to get out there faster than you think, for the kids sanity and for yours.

IvoryTower

That escalated quickly.

amtc

You don't mind your own kids!

topmanamillion

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'd put more thought into him saying he hates being married to you tbh.

This.
You need to find out is this how he feels,
Or
Is it how you feel?

Take it from there.

Also has he offered an apology?
Obviously wouldn't make it right but by your shock it's hopefully the first time he's said anything like this.
An apology and a promise that it's the last time would be a good starting point.

The Princess Bride

'shut your effing' mouth' , 'shut the eff up'
and 'I hate being married to you' .....
He spat these words at you and you've not spoken in 2 days?

That's not a happy relationship for your children to see and it's not a good one for you to experience.
I honestly can't see how an apology is going to help you both.

Time for a genuine chat about what is wrong and whether you need counselling together.
Best of luck.

flix1

I'm so conflicted. Ive never felt so dismayed and flattened by his behaviour before. Part of me wants to show him all your replies (I never would) not so I could be vindicated, but just to show him that that kind of language is not okay.

I was thinking of emailing him this morning.

Mr McBoatface

flix1 wrote: »

I'm so conflicted. Ive never felt so dismayed and flattened by his behaviour before. Part of me wants to show him all your replies (I never would) not so I could be vindicated, but just to show him that that kind of language is not okay.

I was thinking of emailing him this morning.

Or maybe ask why he's so moody and what's going on in his head.

I doubt he hates you, maybe he's in a place mentally/emotionally and hates that. Modern life sucks , it's responsible and pressures gets to people. You mentioned he had the kids all day, does he work ?

baby and crumble

flix1 wrote: »

I was thinking of emailing him this morning.

Look, if you're two grownups in a married relationship with children, you shouldn't be conducting your communication on topics like this through email. That's just juvenile. There's a pair of you in it.

OP I know we can't suggest anything medical but some of the stuff you've said sounds to me a bit like depression. My Dad was really like this when we were little, I just thought he was mean and angry all the time. It was only when my Mum put her foot down and he got help that things changed. Now he's back to what I now realise is his true self- the man my Mum fell in love with and he's a sweetheart.

Sit down with him, and ask him if he's ok. Come at it from a place of concern, say you've noticed his moods are very changeable and that it's worrying you. Unless he's been like this, saying that he hates being married to you and swearing, then something has caused it. Try and find out what.

flix1

baby and crumble wrote: »

Look, if you're two grownups in a married relationship with children, you shouldn't be conducting your communication on topics like this through email. That's just juvenile. There's a pair of you in it.

OP I know we can't suggest anything medical but some of the stuff you've said sounds to me a bit like depression. My Dad was really like this when we were little, I just thought he was mean and angry all the time. It was only when my Mum put her foot down and he got help that things changed. Now he's back to what I now realise is his true self- the man my Mum fell in love with and he's a sweetheart.

Sit down with him, and ask him if he's ok. Come at it from a place of concern, say you've noticed his moods are very changeable and that it's worrying you. Unless he's been like this, saying that he hates being married to you and swearing, then something has caused it. Try and find out what.

Oh my God..thank you so so much. Your email has given me a new perspective on things. I was thinking email because he could read it and not lose it. But you know what, I can defo do this..put my concerns down on an email and maybe he will feel in a better place to come and talk to me. I love him so much, I really do, I'm just so worn out by it all. If he gets an email followed up by a chat, then maybe he will open up to me.

No he doesn't mind the kids at all for the past 5 months. I'm not exaggerating when I say Ive been doing it all. Without boring you, hes been gone fulfilling his dream and now its back to real life this week which includes minding our children 2 days a week. He works full time as do I...mine is 9-5 Mon-Fri, his is a mixed roster.

GingerLily

Don't email him.

Talk to him, next time he's in a mood tell him your concern, if he won't listen leave it until he's had his space and then speak to him.

I don't like my partner when he's in a mood and I used to push him to snap out of it which exasperated the situation. I now give him space and if it needs addressing later we talk about it. We rarely fight now because we know how to communicate and support each other.

Big Bag of Chips

Next time he's in a mood I wouldn't say anything! As GingerLily says it will only aggravate things. The time for talking is when everyone is calm. Although bringing it up at that point could quickly start a row of "why are you bringing this up now when we're relaxed and enjoying a nice evening?"!

I honestly don't see what wrong with sending him an email. It is just the modern day equivalent of writing down your feelings and showing it to him. And is often advised in cases where any sort of talking is likely to end up with people getting upset and not being able to get their point across coherently, or angry and just ending in a row again.

I think an email is fine. It gives you the space to lay out your concerns without interruption, and it gives him the space to consider what you said without getting defensive and arguing every point as you make it. He then has time to think and consider his response.

Things aren't working and need a different approach.

Musketeer4

To be honest it sounds like your marriage should be reconsidered. A loving husband and wife don't treat eachother this way?

Why is he not pulling his fair share of weight at home? Unless he has a very good excuse, working away etc, when why is he only minding the children once in 5 months? That's not acceptable. His whole pattern of behaviour is that of a pure asshole.

I think you need to make him an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out.

leggo

I'm reminded of a funny quote (though there's nothing funny about this situation OP, don't get me wrong) from Matt LeBlanc in Extras when he said, "You British are so personal when we argue. In America, it's all '**** YOU!' 'NO **** YOU!'"

Point being, different people have different ways of arguing. For some, they'll scream empty curses at someone which ultimately mean nothing, for others they'll calmly say hurtful things, and depending on the person receiving it, either way it can either go over your head or hit you really deeply. For me, for example, someone can shout what they like at me and it'll all go in one ear and out the other, but actions like leaving the house or the like really affect me.

So to get back to your original question: the way you both argue and deal with problems needs to be addressed. I'm not saying who's right and who's wrong, it's a personal argument between the couple and there's no context here except your own, but you're not on the same page when things go wrong and that's a problem. Whatever caused the shouting led to an even bigger problem being created.

I don't think it's worth ending a marriage with children though, personally. But that's me. Everyone has their own individual limits and nobody here can tell you yours.

In terms of what was said, you need to figure out the marriage comment. Maybe he does want to leave, maybe it was just something said in the heat of the moment, whatever the case not talking to him isn't helping so the pair of you have a serious chat and figure out if you want to go on. Then, if you do, try to agree on a way to communicate in future that suits you both. Then you've got great advice about possible depression - which is a long slog to deal with if it's the case (the hardest part being getting him to open up to begin with, especially if you're at odds) - which sounds like a good place to start.

professore

When I read a previous post you said this fight blew up after he minded the kids all day. I got the impression he was doing this regularly and you were off partying but this isn't the case at all.

You say he's been gone fulfilling his dream and you did everything. So you enabled him to fulfill his dream by working and minding the kids. Not easy. Did the dream fall through? Can you give a bit more detail? From what I can deduce it seems he is behaving like a spoilt child.

Irish_Elect_Eng

flix1 wrote: »

Is it ever okay for your husband to say 'shut your effing' mouth and 'shut the eff up'. Mine shouted this at me the last day. I was stunned. We fight, but he seemed so angry when when spat this out at me. He also told he 'hated being married to me' .....I'm heartbroken. I haven't spoke to him since..that was 2 days ago...I just feel like crying and am crying most of the time since.

To be honest, without knowing either of you an informed and meaningful reply is almost impossible.

I know people who are verbally skillful who can crush their partners with calm evenly spoken words, manipulating their emotions with deliberate cruelty. Other people that can have a screaming match while never really hurting each other. Sometimes people are mismatched and when the more verbally skilled partner is tearing strips off the other, there only response is to escalate to shouting or profanity.

I am not saying that this is the case in your situation, but different people handle conflict differently.

In my case if an argument is getting heated or out of hand, I walk away cutting off communication until I have calmed down and put the emotion aside so that I can get the situation straight in my own head. I know that if I continue a heated argument it will only escalate between my partner and I and nothing will be solved. After 15 years, my wife and I know and respect each other well enough to give each other the space to cool down and to consider the subject calmly.

Both Logic and Emotion have their important place, but are uneasy partners in an argument.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Please do not send an email!

Email is a wonderful tool for communicating information, but an extremely poor one for discussion. It is too easily misunderstood without all the non-verbal context that accompanies the emotion-laden discussion that you need to have with your partner. It is often said that in verbal communication only 7% of the content is in the words, the rest is non-verbal, while this may be an exaggerated rule, it is not far off the mark in the point being made.

If you must do this, then write it, re-read it several times and then print it and hand it to your partner, remaining in the room to offer any clarification and answer any questions. If they have none, don't worry. When they have finished reading the letter then ask them if they want to discuss it now or think about it and talk later (But specify a time and place, do not leave it hanging) Before starting clearly tell them that you love them and the purpose of the discussion is to have a great relationship.

Also: Remember to be open to listening to any concerns that he has as well no matter how minor you may think that they are, it can really help these type of discussions if both parties have something to work on as a shared effort is more likely to succeed than a one-sided one. If one person is struggling with a big change it can help to see the other changing, even if it is a small thing.

Best of Luck.

professore

In the case where one partner is extremely skilled at debating verbally and the other one not so much, the written word might be a better way of doing it, as the skilled partner can't twist words or make it seem the other one is saying something they actually aren't saying.

Often saying something like "shut your effing mouth" can be borne of frustration at being verbally outflanked or backed into a corner in a debate, where the one lashing out feels the other partner is completely twisting what they are saying, talking over them, or just not understanding it full stop. I have to hold my hand up and say I've said it once or twice (or something similar) for this reason . Not saying this is the case here at all.

Also if he gets this when he is calmed down, and reads it, it might make him see he was completely out of order. I would be careful not to be accusatory and use language like "You always do XYZ" and "You never do ABC", rather say, when this happens I feel ...

Of course he could just be a complete ass ...

otto_26

flix1 wrote: »

I'm so conflicted. Ive never felt so dismayed and flattened by his behaviour before. Part of me wants to show him all your replies (I never would) not so I could be vindicated, but just to show him that that kind of language is not okay.

I was thinking of emailing him this morning.

I think every person on here would feel what he said wasn't ok but I'm sure you will agree ye were having an argument and you would be totally 50% in the wrong for the position ye were in. I noticed a few posters asking you what ye were arguing about and maybe had you said something to him to hit a nerve with him?? I haven't seen you reply to any of these questions...

I ask because we can all make someone snap and say something they don't mean when we know what buttons to push. If I was your partner and you showed me all the lovely responses on here about how I was in the wrong I'd ask you to show me where you told everyone what you were saying to me in the build to what I said...

flix1

Folks a massive thank you for all your help. It's been a really difficult couple of weeks. I've taken all of your replies and re-read most of them a couple of times. So What I've taken is this:

1. I need to figure out exactly what was the catalyst (I think its something bigger than this row)
2. We already had a chat..but really we need to look at a bigger picture...this is something we are going to do this wend
3. We need to set up 'rules of engagement' for when we do row...because we will row, but how we row is important.

At a very low time in my life...a sincere thank you to all of you...you will never know how it feels to see your replies when I felt so alone