New job - colleague doesn't like me

LegacyUser

I started a new job a few months ago and really love it. Except the main person I work with (senior on my team but not the ‘manager’ or main person I report to), I don’t think likes me at all and it’s beginning to make me obsessive because I don’t know why.

I took an instant dislike to the person in question when she interviewed me. It’s very rare that I take an instant dislike to anyone but this lady’s attitude, body language, expressions all just seemed very negative and hostile. It’s a credit to the other interviewers that I took the role.

I then got put sitting opposite her on my first day of the job and was pleasantly surprised that she wasn’t that bad at all. We never ‘clicked’, chemistry in terms of sense of humour etc was always a bit off, and we often seemed to misunderstand one another for some reason, but we had nice chats about the usual work small talk regularly. I commented to people outside of work how I was wrong about her and I felt bad for instantly disliking her the way I did at first.

Now, about 8 weeks later, I feel like I’m back to square one. She’s civil towards me, and never ‘mean’. But the chats have stopped and I get a deadpan expression when I try to chat. My rookie mistakes (I haven’t made many, manager is delighted with me but inevitably in a new job you make errors) have been met with sighs of frustration by her. She’s a self-proclaimed b**ch so I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it’s hard not to when she is technically my mentor and the person I am supposed to learn from (and the main person I sit and work with all day every day). She is also quite friendly, smiley and jokey with almost all other colleagues – including people who have started after me! So I’m baffled.

I think I’m a decent person to work with – I’m quiet but very smiley and willing to chat, and super ambitious but (I don’t think) enough so that I’ve stepped on anyone’s toes. Is it because I’ve made a few mistakes? She is much more senior than I am so I don’t think she feels threatened by me.

It’s frustrating because as long as she is civil towards me I can’t address it with her or with HR but it’s a horrible feeling to feel or think you’re disliked when you work so hard and try to be a good colleague.

Is anyone else in a similar situation or is there anything I can do? I know I should let it go but it really is easier said than done – especially when everything else in the job is perfect?

ArthurG

MsMarmin wrote: »

I took an instant dislike to the person in question ...

MsMarmin wrote: »

I don’t think likes me at all and it’s beginning to make me obsessive because I don’t know why.

So you took an instant dislike to someone, and now are worried that they don't like you?.

Diziet

Why don't you ask her nicely if you have done something to upset her?

_Brian

Just keep a professional relationship going and be civil in your dealings.

You've done nothing wrong and neither has this person, it's not important to be friendly with everyone, just be professional.

Perhaps this person is struggling to deal with something in their personal life and is doing their best.

B-D-P--

_Brian wrote: »

Perhaps this person is struggling to deal with something in their personal life and is doing their best.

This, People often bring home problems to work.
Just move on and keep it professional, personally I dont have time for those emotionally disturbed who like you then dont then do...
Leave them in the dont and move on.

nhunter100

MsMarmin wrote:

I took an instant dislike to the person in question when she interviewed me. It’s very rare that I take an instant dislike to anyone but this lady’s attitude, body language, expressions all just seemed very negative and hostile. It’s a credit to the other interviewers that I took the role.

This.

LegacyUser

_Brian wrote: »

Just keep a professional relationship going and be civil in your dealings.

You've done nothing wrong and neither has this person, it's not important to be friendly with everyone, just be professional.

Perhaps this person is struggling to deal with something in their personal life and is doing their best.

Thanks, the thing is, I'm dealing with something in my personal life that I have had to make HR aware of (and this person knows), which is why this scenario is all the more strange and upsetting

LegacyUser

she no longer says thank you whenever I do anything for her and she says it to everyone else. It's hard

Stheno

If you've been there a few months and are still making mistakes, I'd say she's just pissed off with having to deal with your mistakes.

Arcade_Tryer

Stheno wrote: »

If you've been there a few months and are still making mistakes, I'd say she's just pissed off with having to deal with your mistakes.

She must not have done a great job as a mentor in that case?

And why wouldn't she mention the mistakes to her rather than just acting pissed off? Not very professional.

TheDoc

Arcade_Tryer wrote: »

She must not have done a great job as a mentor in that case?

And why wouldn't she mention the mistakes to her rather than just acting pissed off? Not very professional.

Seen it happen.

I know personally I mentored a number of people in roles throughout my career so far, all went fine except one case which was a severe edge case. But our relationship broke down extremely early, and it's difficult to "mentor" in this situation. Won't go into the finer details, but it was essentially someone who bluffed an interview, I became aware extremely early this person was totally inept for the job at hand, and it was just going through the motions until they could be let go.

I've also seem colleagues under immense pressure with workload or whatever work related, then get a "buddy". That situation is rarely fair on either as the time cannot be probably allocated, but have seen the trainee looking a bit lost and the mentor looking bewildered.

And the other scenario I guess, which I'm seeing in my current role, are people totally inadequate at training and mentoring. There is a colleague of mine who management have hired four staff to assist, and she is totally useless at training. It became obvious to me quickly she is just hogging onto some niche knowledge she has to keep herself relevant and she is always protraying this front that she is indispensable, but I've been surprised how management sides with her when it comes to reviewing and critiquing these trainees, and inevitbly then taking her recommendation to let them go. That can happen too, and that one is potentially the worse as the trainee doesn't ever stand a chance.

BrokenArrows

You need to ask yourself why you care if she likes you or doesn't like you.

She is a work colleague and it doesn't matter if she likes you as a person. She has every right to hate you as a person if she wants. More than likely she has picked up your initial dislike for her, tried to be friendly initially but probably realized she didn't like you either.

Its only a problem if she starts causing you problems with work on purpose such as trying to sabotage you.

Ive worked in the same company and there are plenty of people who i don't like, but i still work with them and we accomplish our goals together.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the insights.

I guess it bothers me because I plan on staying in this job for a long time, and if the primary person on my team (i.e. This lady) sighs and seems annoyed when I make a mistake (generally caused by not being shown how to do things in the first place), chats and laughs with everyone else in the office except me and has categorically stopped even saying "thank you" when I carry out a task for her, well, that's a problem - when I don't know why it's happening.

If I ask her what's wrong I know she'll just say she's not a social person and not to mind her, but why is she so friendly with everyone else then?

Wanderer2010

MsMarmin wrote: »

Thanks for the insights.

I guess it bothers me because I plan on staying in this job for a long time, and if the primary person on my team (i.e. This lady) sighs and seems annoyed when I make a mistake (generally caused by not being shown how to do things in the first place), chats and laughs with everyone else in the office except me and has categorically stopped even saying "thank you" when I carry out a task for her, well, that's a problem - when I don't know why it's happening.

If I ask her what's wrong I know she'll just say she's not a social person and not to mind her, but why is she so friendly with everyone else then?

OP, you need to stop trying to figure out other people and why they like or don't like you. Trust me, I know this from experience, and if you keep on wondering about this person, she will take over your life and you will end up analysing every single interaction with her and your head will be absolutely wrecked.

I know its hurtful to have someone treat you obviously different from others but really you need to break it down to the mindset that she is just a workmate nothing else. You cannot control how she feels about you and you cannot change her impression of you. All you can do is keep the head down and try your best at your job and if her attitude about mistakes really starts to grate, have a word with a senior colleague or boss along the lines of "I'm trying my best to understand <X> process, however I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, Mary seems a tad annoyed at me. is there any other resource I could follow to better understand this topic so I can keep up with everyone else?". Give it a try you have nothing to lose.

As for her, there are a million reasons why she may not like you:

1. She could be insecure and feel you are trying to question her ability
2. She may not like people who ask too many questions
3 .She could be very moody and not willing to get to know new people
4. You remind her of someone she doesn't like
5. You remind her of her own faults
6. She hates you voice

etc etc etc.....

NONE of which you can do anything about so try and just keep professional and enjoy your life outside of work and she will fade away.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for the above, I think that makes a lot of sense and just what I needed to hear. You're correct about everything but especially about how worrying about it could spill into all other aspects of my life, which unfortunately it already has - I've noticed.

line console zero

Stheno wrote: »

If you've been there a few months and are still making mistakes, I'd say she's just pissed off with having to deal with your mistakes.

Everybody makes mistakes.

newacc2015

People arent dumb, I think after 8 weeks of working with you she isnt mad dealing with someone who took "an instant dislike to her". I find the only people who I dislike are also the people I dislike too

You are in a corporate environment, not college. Sometimes you have to deal with people you dont like, but you just get on with it. You still need to be pleasant to them.

I had managers who were ****ing ***** to put it mildly. But I worked my ass off and showed some humility. Gradually they warmed to me and we become friends. If you continue to dislike this women based on your first impressions, your relationship will only get worse. If you keep working hard and show some warmth to her you might be surprised.

irishmoss

You say you had to bring something to the attention of HR and this person knows about it and now she is acting coldly to you? When did you contact HR about whatever it was they needed to know about?

pilly

You know maybe she got the impression straight away that you didn't like her and that's what it's coming from or maybe she's heard it back. Making a decision about someone in a very short time frame can land you in a lot of hot water because if they know you did that then you're fighting a losing battle to get on with them.

Just keep being professional and friendly, nothing else you can do.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I went to HR about a bereavement I was experiencing just so they were aware. Not about the colleague.