Is it time to go.....?

LegacyUser

I am really getting ready to end it with my wife. I keep hoping things will get better - but it's not happening. It's a very hard thing to talk to someone about - it's like letting the genie out of the bottle - you'll never get it back in. I spoke to my brother & 2 friends a year ago. One would advise 'get out' - others 'stay in'. But of course everyone wants things to work out & patch things up - as do I. They just know this wonderful friendly girl - but as soon as we leave their company it's like a red mist coming over her. We got to a stage earlier in the year where we started having conversations again (no physical contact) & I was hoping we could build it back into a strong friendship - but it all fell apart again recently.
I can't understand this has happened to me - we have so many good things going in our life - wonderful kids, house, jobs, cars, friends (but not common friends), health. None of the big big problems other posters have (no alcoholism, no debts, no abuse, no mental illness, no adultery)
I've been living like this for quite a while - sometimes I find it difficult to cope, when I'm on my own with time on my hands my mind just drifts to the awful state of this relationship. I went to counselling - she wouldn't go as 'it's me who has the problem'.
I think I'm forcing myself to give her an ultimatum - behave better to me, try to get on with each other, or I'm going - but really I would only be doing this in the hope of a happier life with her and the consequences of doing it are probably me moving out and becoming a part time dad and both of us broke.
I'm terrified to do this - worried about the kids, about myself & also of course her relationship with the kids then.
To me it's a fairly easy thing to solve - spend time together, help each other out, respect each other, communicate openly - but even to try to converse about this sends her into a fuming mood.

LegacyUser

How long have you been married?
How old are your kids?
What do you mean "things fell apart again recently"- in what way?
What, if anything, does your wife feel is the problem? This "red mist"- what's that all about?

LegacyUser

I could have written a lot of this as applying to my situation also so I am interested in the replies you get.
In my case each time over the years that I raised my concerns I got a more defensive backlash to the point where I almost fear bringing it up.
Elephant in the room, etc.
I also went to counselling on my own as my wife dodged it in a skillful way.

LegacyUser

fgbbv wrote: »

How long have you been married?
How old are your kids?
What do you mean "things fell apart again recently"- in what way?
What, if anything, does your wife feel is the problem? This "red mist"- what's that all about?

fgbbv wrote: »

How long have you been married?

10 years

How old are your kids?

6/8/10

What do you mean "things fell apart again recently"- in what way?

i wrote out how i was feeling as part of a counselling exercise & she found it. i was stressed & trying to identify my stressors and started writing immediately what was in my head under about 10 headings (good exercise actually). but the biggest stressor by a huge margin was our relationship


What, if anything, does your wife feel is the problem? This "red mist"- what's that all about?

i think she thinks i'm needy. i can't say what's exactly in her head but i think she sees other husbands as more macho.
she won't admit this but i think if she sees us getting closer together she is leading me to think our sex life will be back on track - but she has no interest & thinks it's for younger people.
TBH i think she just doesn't like me. i'm the breadwinner & that's my role in her eyes.

red mist = huge anger, relentless for long periods. no violence just a mix of ignoring me, putting me down, then letting rip where i can't get a word in edgeways. about 2 months of this now - but calm for 5 months before

LegacyUser

Westernld22 wrote: »

I could have written a lot of this as applying to my situation also so I am interested in the replies you get.
In my case each time over the years that I raised my concerns I got a more defensive backlash to the point where I almost fear bringing it up.
Elephant in the room, etc.
I also went to counselling on my own as my wife dodged it in a skillful way.

you must have considered leaving many times also. what made you stay?
you mention 'years' - there must have been some good times as well i hope.

LegacyUser

Your wife sounds deeply unhappy& deeply troubled. Not to sound glib, but it may not necessarily be anything personal against *you*? Like, you've been married 10 years so presumably have been together 12 or 15 years in total, so clearly she can't always have been like this Something beautiful in her personality must have shone through for you to propose to& marry her. Maybe you can unearth that person again...
Is she fulfilled in her work? Does she work outside the home? Maybe she experienced a physical/emotional trauma from giving birth (Tear, prolapse, weight gain, PND?) Could she be undergoing early menopause? (A female relative of mine was like an absolute demon those few years, hormones& moods all over the place)Not saying that any of this excuses her treatment of you
If you cannot speak with her, why not write her a letter? Directly addressed to her this time. No attacks or criticism. No mention of physical relations for now either- you need to break down the emotional barrier first!
"I love you. I love X, y,z (list specific good personality traits, &examples of times when you most loved her). I want our marriage to grow stronger, to not fall apart. In your heart of hearts, you know we can't continue as we are right now. I feel that you are alone& in pain, & I want to be there for you, if you let me"
Her response - verbal or written- should tell you whether this marriage is dead in the water, or whether there's light at the end of the tunnel.

LegacyUser

TBH i think she just doesn't like me. i'm the breadwinner & that's my role in her eyes.

red mist = huge anger, relentless for long periods. no violence just a mix of ignoring me, putting me down, then letting rip where i can't get a word in edgeways. about 2 months of this now - but calm for 5 months before[/quote]

Take away the "bread". It really is that simple.
No respect, no manners, no communication, no sex? Then you withdraw from your side also, in the only way that she might understand.
It's childish but you have no choice.
Take back your power here. Stand tall& firm to resolve this for once& for all.

daithi7

whatnowwoahthere wrote: »

TBH i think she just doesn't like me. i'm the breadwinner & that's my role in her eyes.

red mist = huge anger, relentless for long periods. no violence just a mix of ignoring me, putting me down, then letting rip where i can't get a word in edgeways. about 2 months of this now - but calm for 5 months before

Take away the "bread". It really is that simple.
No respect, no manners, no communication, no sex? Then you withdraw from your side also, in the only way that she might understand.
It's childish but you have no choice.
Take back your power here. Stand tall& firm to resolve this for once& for all.[/quote]

I don't think that is a good idea at this stage at all. This risks making money(or the'bread') an issue when it clearly isn't the issue here at all. Your wife sounds deeply unhappy, angry and resentful. This may indeed be making you act more needy and less macho than you would otherwise, for good reason.

I think you need to open a Frank dialogue with your wife about what you expect from your relationship, marriage and her, and then ask her if she can provide this. If she says yes, great, but I'd probe why this hasn't been the case for so long then, and start peeling the emotional onion here.

If she says maybe, then proceed as above.

If she says no, you've got a very definitive negative answer.

If the red mist descends, then as do as another poster suggested above and suggest continuing the discussion when she can be calm and civil.

I hate to say this, but this does not sound good tbh.
Good luck!!

LegacyUser

A relationship requires give and take from both people. At the moment your doing all the giving. I would get the children minded some night and bring her away for night to a hotel.
You need to have a serious converstion about the lack of a marraige that you have with her.

At this stage she needs to hear that your very unhappy with the way things are between you and that you want her to go to marriage counselling with you. If you know she is has some health issues I would tell her your both going to the doctors and telling him/her about the problems you have noticed with her.
She won't want to do this. In fact I would say to her it is only a matter of time before I drop a few hints to your parents, your family members and your freinds to tell them about our sham marriage.

A comment like - we don't need the pill sure Mary won't have sex with me. O sure Mary only married me so she could have kids give up her job and now she won't even talk to me at home. I can't remember the last time we had sex.

If she does not agree to this I would start to make her life as unplesent as possible. Cancel the credit card and make sure she has no access to money. Tell her you want the childrens allowance also.
Tell her you will give her x amount a week and you want to see all the bills and receipts. If she needs more money she can ask you for it and you may or may not give it to her.

Tell her that she needs realise that she will be living on a very limited income if you have to leave the family home due to her treating you like a servant. In fact I would tell her you might have to sell the house as you will need to have some where to live also.

The truth is you married her and you have children. This does not give her the right to make no effort with you or to try and make the marriage work. She thinks we have a children I don't need to have sex now. If she is not working outside the home & the children are in school I would ask her when are you going back to work even part time?

Part of a marriage is that when you hit on a bad patch for what ever reason you have to be willing to work on getting past it. Their is nothing wrong with looking for help if you or her need this to improve things between you.

The reality is you and her are the adults here. You have children. Being honest young children often know or realise that Mam and Daddy are fighting. If things are like this between you it is only a matter of time before other people you know notice things. We have all walked into somewhere and realise quickly enough that something is not right or that a couple have just had a fight.

Is this what you want your children growing up and seeing her treating you this way. The reality is that her moods and how she is treating you are not just effecting both of you but your children also. I can also tell you that your children could let it slip mammy and daddy were flighting last night - they were very loud. I would say this to your wife also.

Her choice at this stage is go to marriage counselling and go to the doctors for a full health check up and be willing to make changes if a doctor advises her to do so. I would let her know that unless she is willing to do this and unless you see a major change in reagards to how she speaks to you and in your sex life you will end the marriage.

Teyla Emmagan

belle 2016 wrote:

A comment like - we don't need the pill sure Mary won't have sex with me. O sure Mary only married me so she could have kids give up her job and now she won't even talk to me at home. I can't remember the last time we had sex.

I don't think you should take any of the above poster's advice OP. Particularly this bit. If I knew a man going on like this I would laugh in his face.

It must be very difficult for you OP living with someone so angry. As someone else said she clearly isn't happy either. Would she go and see someone? Maybe after that you could both try couples counseling. I have to say this doesn't sound like a great environment for your kids either.

ManOfMystery

belle 2016 wrote: »

A relationship requires give and take from both people. At the moment your doing all the giving. I would get the children minded some night and bring her away for night to a hotel.
You need to have a serious converstion about the lack of a marraige that you have with her.

At this stage she needs to hear that your very unhappy with the way things are between you and that you want her to go to marriage counselling with you. If you know she is has some health issues I would tell her your both going to the doctors and telling him/her about the problems you have noticed with her.
She won't want to do this. In fact I would say to her it is only a matter of time before I drop a few hints to your parents, your family members and your freinds to tell them about our sham marriage.

A comment like - we don't need the pill sure Mary won't have sex with me. O sure Mary only married me so she could have kids give up her job and now she won't even talk to me at home. I can't remember the last time we had sex.

If she does not agree to this I would start to make her life as unplesent as possible. Cancel the credit card and make sure she has no access to money. Tell her you want the childrens allowance also.
Tell her you will give her x amount a week and you want to see all the bills and receipts. If she needs more money she can ask you for it and you may or may not give it to her.

Tell her that she needs realise that she will be living on a very limited income if you have to leave the family home due to her treating you like a servant. In fact I would tell her you might have to sell the house as you will need to have some where to live also.

Sorry, but I wouldn't listen to a single word of this.

There are already some serious question marks hanging over your wife's feelings for you, and the way they're manifesting into this volatile and angry behaviour. And that's with you (or what we know of you from your post) behaving in a fairly normal way - no abuse, no addictions, not cheating, etc.

Withholding money and trying to use it as a bargaining tool to force your wife's affections is a terrible idea. It's not asserting yourself - it's turning you into a controlling bully type who has to manipulate his wife in order for her to face the problems she's having. That will not end well. And airing your problems to all and sundry? It's not their business - it will be embarrassing for them, embarrassing for you as a couple and will only muddy the waters by bringing other people into a problem which exists only between yourselves.

She has to WANT to fix this herself. And going in with the type of gung-ho behavior above will absolutely not make her think any more highly of you - if anything her resentment will grow to even bigger levels. There are ways to assert yourself without becoming the villain in all this in her eyes.

Passtheremote

It all sounds very upsetting OP.

Can you give some further context, how was it up until a year ago, what was her behaviour toward you like before you got married etc? How was the intimacy?

Is it that she turned into this person all of a sudden?

LegacyUser

no - it's not sudden. it's been this way for ages really. I just valued everything else about my life and compensated for the lack of relationship. Its really since the first child came along - it's almost stereotypical really - I don't think it was a cynical move on her part to have babies and down with me - but I honestly believe that subconsciously I appeared more attractive to her at the stage in our lives where it was time to find a dependable mate who could provide for her. She doesn't need the mate any more - and sees the 'provide' part as continuing on. These absolutely aren't her words, but as I look back that is the way it seems now and of course maybe i'm wrong.

intimacy? look - she has a lower sex drive than me - i accept that - we can't be all the same. But after a while it really feels demeaning if that makes sense, to be rejected over and over and over again. For me I think I see it as a need and a desire - for her it seems to be something she feels she has to to (or used to do). But when we were intimate I'm pretty sure she enjoyed it.

obviously you are hearing only one side of the story here - she found my counselling notes - in it i wished i was away with other women and even though i never did it i desired it. i desired every time she rejected me TBH - and i didn't want to desire it, but i wrote out the feelings in my head. This is very recent and the cause of the current ill temper (one of the causes) - but all through 2015 it was something else, all 2014 other things, in 2013 we actually got on well for a few months but once i stood up to her about an issue it collapsed and spiralled downwards

Musketeer4

belle 2016 wrote: »

A relationship requires give and take from both people. At the moment your doing all the giving. I would get the children minded some night and bring her away for night to a hotel.
You need to have a serious converstion about the lack of a marraige that you have with her.

At this stage she needs to hear that your very unhappy with the way things are between you and that you want her to go to marriage counselling with you. If you know she is has some health issues I would tell her your both going to the doctors and telling him/her about the problems you have noticed with her.
She won't want to do this. In fact I would say to her it is only a matter of time before I drop a few hints to your parents, your family members and your freinds to tell them about our sham marriage.

A comment like - we don't need the pill sure Mary won't have sex with me. O sure Mary only married me so she could have kids give up her job and now she won't even talk to me at home. I can't remember the last time we had sex.

If she does not agree to this I would start to make her life as unplesent as possible. Cancel the credit card and make sure she has no access to money. Tell her you want the childrens allowance also.
Tell her you will give her x amount a week and you want to see all the bills and receipts. If she needs more money she can ask you for it and you may or may not give it to her.

Tell her that she needs realise that she will be living on a very limited income if you have to leave the family home due to her treating you like a servant. In fact I would tell her you might have to sell the house as you will need to have some where to live also.

The truth is you married her and you have children. This does not give her the right to make no effort with you or to try and make the marriage work. She thinks we have a children I don't need to have sex now. If she is not working outside the home & the children are in school I would ask her when are you going back to work even part time?

Part of a marriage is that when you hit on a bad patch for what ever reason you have to be willing to work on getting past it. Their is nothing wrong with looking for help if you or her need this to improve things between you.

The reality is you and her are the adults here. You have children. Being honest young children often know or realise that Mam and Daddy are fighting. If things are like this between you it is only a matter of time before other people you know notice things. We have all walked into somewhere and realise quickly enough that something is not right or that a couple have just had a fight.

Is this what you want your children growing up and seeing her treating you this way. The reality is that her moods and how she is treating you are not just effecting both of you but your children also. I can also tell you that your children could let it slip mammy and daddy were flighting last night - they were very loud. I would say this to your wife also.

Her choice at this stage is go to marriage counselling and go to the doctors for a full health check up and be willing to make changes if a doctor advises her to do so. I would let her know that unless she is willing to do this and unless you see a major change in reagards to how she speaks to you and in your sex life you will end the marriage.

I'm sorry, but this has to be the worst advice I've seen on these boards while I've been here.
You are basically suggesting the use of financial and emotional abuse to force the wife the be all happy and stuff. Firstly, it won't work and besides it is just wrong and immoral.

LegacyUser

Don't worry - i'm not confrontational at all really. I appreciate those contributions even if I don't agree with them. I' d love to just be able to sit down and have a calm one to one about this - but my wife is very very confrontational really and never backs down - even in unrelated minor things that it would be obvious she is wrong about she could never acknowledge this.
All the advice - and it's good advice - is to explain how i feel and talk it out together - but boy any time I have initiated this it has turned out to be a mistake - a big one that I pay for for a long time after.
it's bizarre to me - why choose confrontation when reconciliation is available?
i'm so lucky with all other aspects of my life but this part is such a struggle and draining the life out of me

piglet74

I'm sorry but your not lucky, you sound more like you are just grateful to still be married.

You have been experiencing problems since 2013, and your still hanging around waiting to talk to her, to get answers, for things to get better etc.

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound good, and maybe you leaving will be the best thing all round.

professore

The short answer is yes. I think you need to take care of your own mental well being now. You are being emotionally abused. The way she shuts you down and is unwilling to work on the marriage speaks of control issues. I know several marriages like this where a domineering spouse micro manages the other one.

Reverse the genders here and everyone would agree. Make arrangements to separate. That will either make her make an effort or let you go. Either way you have your answer. You will still be a dad to your kids.

professore

JUSTFEDUP wrote: »

Don't worry - i'm not confrontational at all really.

She sees you as a doormat.

JUSTFEDUP wrote: »

I appreciate those contributions even if I don't agree with them. I' d love to just be able to sit down and have a calm one to one about this - but my wife is very very confrontational really and never backs down - even in unrelated minor things that it would be obvious she is wrong about she could never acknowledge this.

She is emotionally abusive and probably a narcissist - never admitting fault is a very very bad sign.

piglet74

Agree with the above, if the genders were reversed, there may well be a lot more "leave now" posts.