Died by suicide. What to say?

cookiexx

Hi there,

I hope this is the appropriate forum, mods feel free to move if not.

A neighbour of my family's died by suicide last week. He was very young and I never really knew him. However I was quite close to his sister as kids, used to hang out with her quite a lot.

It's been years since we've had any meaningful contact, don't have her number, not fb friends etc but I feel I should send her my condolences. Does anyone have any advice on what would be the best way to do so? I currently live overseas so wasn;t able to attend the funeral or and won't be able to stop by personally. Should I send a card or a facebook message?

Thanks for any help xx

Lux23

I don't think him dying by suicide should really change what you're going to say especially if you are not that close anymore. I think I would buy a sympathy card and write her a nice note saying that you're sorry for her loss and she and her family are in your thoughts/prayers. I think a gesture like that would be really appreciated especially as she probably won't get many cards like, they are more than likely sent to the spouse/parents and people sometimes forget how hard siblings can hurt after losing a brother or sister.

Stopped Clock

I can only echo the above. When mum died I got a lovely card from a friend who couldn't make it to the funeral. I hadn't expected her to come in the first place and she had sent a text to sympathise. The card was a surprise and I was touched by the gesture. It wasn't a religious one but the type you'd buy in any newsagent. A nice simple card with a short, heartfelt note. I've noticed that some people wrote a letter and popped it into the cards we got but to be honest, I don't have the stomach to read those.

Rubberchikken

a simple card just saying a heartfelt message will, i'm sure, mean a lot at what must be an awful time for this family.
the card doesn't need to be religious, there are lovely ones available with a nice picture on the front.

December2012

Just a simple "I am very sorry for your loss, if I can do anything for you or your family please let me know"

jimd2

If you have her FB contact info you could send a brief message and, if it was me, I would follow up with a Mass card. You could ask you family at home though what is most appropriate as if they had a non religious burial then a sympathy card wold be more appropriate.

Big Bag of Chips

I think a card with a personal message is nice. Generic "sorry for your loss" is quite impersonal and while the thought is nice and appreciated something personal means even more.

Regardless of how he died he is still her brother. They grew up together, played together as children. Fought with each other. I think a card saying how upset you were to hear and how you have been thinking about her would be nice. Add in a memory you have of him, maybe as a child or teenager.

Something personal from you would be nice seeing as you were very close at one point. It's more than just a generic card from a random neighbour.

Edit: my friend's husband died unexpectedly and very suddenly a few years back. We would be very close although we don't see each other very often. It took me a week to be able to word the card appropriately. Something like that happening is so unnatural. Nothing seems appropriate because the usual clichés don't do justice to the situation. No matter what wording I came up with it sounded "cheap" in the context of the enormity and finality of a young woman losing her young husband. A few months later she contacted me and said she was so touched by the card. She had obviously received hundreds of cards and had skimmed through them. But mine stood out because it was heartfelt and personal to her and her husband, and she said it was the one card that she kept close to hand and reread it occasionally.

What your friend is going through is heartbreaking. You can't possibly imagine. Don't try to! Just make it personal and it will mean a lot.

JustAThought

I had this problem a while back and really struggled to find something that I felt was appropriate or touching enough to write. I left it about 5 weeks while I procrastinated away. In the end having tied myself up in total knots and missed the funeral I googled bereavement messages and from the thousands found a simple one that I wouldn.t have thought of but that I felt expressed what I wanted to say better than I could have thought - it was only a sentence, but I would not have thought of it had I scratched my head forever. It was appreciated and I got a lovely note in return. I would say unless they were very anti Church, to definitely send a Mass Card to their home address - it keeps the continuity from the past and unlike facebook allows privacy and dignity to the message, without having to scroll past lots of other day to day crap and messaging chitchat if she wanted to see it again or keep it.

I've really struggled in the past to say things to friends whose parents (who I didn't know) had passed away and a Mass Card is always a good and appreciated way to communicate in a common currency - and is one of the few cards that can say much without you having to write or saying anything other than "with deepest sympathy" and your name, which is totally acceptable. People know it is terribly difficult and just knowing someone cares or felt strongly enough to make the effort to buy a stamp and send a card can make a huge difference when they feel so alone and upset.

Despite being a chatty type I personally hate when people emote away at me when I am in shock over a death or distraught over something - but everyone is different. there are some really nice sympathy cards out there (and some utterly awful ones) but a Mass Card has the Mass said as part of it, and I might imagine that in this terrible time that would be appreciated too. Most Church offices will organise one for you - I think its about a fiver or a tenner depending on what you go for.

I'm sorry for the loss of your childhood friend.

cookiexx

Thanks guys for all the sound advice on this. In the end I sent a fb message to her and also posted a sympathy card to the family home. Took me an absolute age to write the card and the message and I just ended up keeping it short with a few of my own memories of him and how sorry i was.

She replied on fb thanking me a few days later so hopefully it was a little comfort to her to know that people from her past were thinking of her.

NickNickleby

cookiexx wrote: »

Thanks guys for all the sound advice on this. In the end I sent a fb message to her and also posted a sympathy card to the family home. Took me an absolute age to write the card and the message and I just ended up keeping it short with a few of my own memories of him and how sorry i was.

She replied on fb thanking me a few days later so hopefully it was a little comfort to her to know that people from her past were thinking of her.

Well, I think that was a very nice gesture. I'm sure the conversation in her household would have been along the lines of... "wasn't that very nice of Cookie, living abroad and took the trouble to get in touch..." etc.

NN

RabbleRouser2k

When my dad passed, we had a number of phone calls from people, many of whom we had not heard from in years (former shop owners, friends who'd moved away for work, travel etc) and it was incredily lovely the kind words and gestures said. Some were absolutely shocked to hear of his passing-as my dad was always seen as this pillar of a man, who grew up on a farm, worked in all conditions-and rarely have to visit a doctor ( maybe two or three visits to a doctor for anything serious, throughout the times I knew him).

We also hada few people who really, really were not there to commisserate. Grief can hit some people differently, others may be there immediately, while some will take months to be able to say 'I am so sorry...I didn't know what to say etc'. I know folks who couldn't say his name, or even speak, at his funeral. The wives had to do the talking for them-they were close friends, the kind of which would take the proverbial pee out of one another.

I know its weeks later, but let them know with a follow up, or just 'how are you getting on-need anything?' etc. It's such a boost, it really is.

cookiexx

Ah thanks RabbleRouser. It's good to hear this kind of thing can be well-received, as the last thing I'd want to do is impose on the family at such an incredibly difficult time. That was my reason for starting the thread really.

I'll be home for Christmas so will be across the road from them for about a week. i might send another message then, just so they know we're there if they need anything. It's going to be a horrible Christmas for them this year as it was supposed to be his birthday in December.