Feeling won't go

Bitconfused

Hi all

I've recently split with a girl after about 6 months of being together. The split was pretty mutual in that we both felt that it probably wasn't going anywhere and that we were quite different in outlook, values etc. Regardless of that we still had a great time together for the most part.

This follows on from a harder breakup earlier in the year. This has brought a lot of feelings about the longer term relationship that I thought I had dealt with. It has me feeling like I should contact my ex and tell her certain things that I didn't get off my chest at the time. Ie she cheated on me but never showed any remorse. I want to find out did she think what she did was wrong.
I know that it's usually best not to do this but this feeling won't go also I understand that this may have a bad affect on her.

Something that is in common with the ending of both of these relationships is that both women felt that I didn't listen to them on occasion. This concerns me because I don't think that's a trait of mine and I feel that I'm the opposite.

Thoughts?

Estrellita

I think the failure of the six month relationship has made you take stock of your past. You are looking for a common denominator as to why they are failing.

Firstly, I wouldn't contact the previous ex because if she showed no remorse over cheating on you, then I'm not sure what you could benefit from what she has to say. She's a class act. She cheated on you then blames you, rather than break it off first.

I think you just need to accept neither of these women were for you. As hard as that is, they wouldn't have ran their course otherwise. I'm not sure what else to say other than chin up and keep looking for the right lady

pgj2015

1) Don't contact the ex

2) Stay single for a while, maybe a year or two

batmanrobin

Definitely don't contact your ex. You won't get a straight, honest answer out of her.

If you'd only recently broken up with your ex before getting with the new girl, don't be too shocked that it ended. It was most likely only ever going to be a rebound.

Why not take some time out for yourself. Write a letter to ex and say everything you never said and then burn it. Trust me, you'll feel better for it. Contacting her is only going to mess with your head and make you feel worse. We have to make outer own closure in this life, OP. You'll never get it from an ex.

Bitconfused

batmanrobin wrote: »

Definitely don't contact your ex. You won't get a straight, honest answer out of her.

If you'd only recently broken up with your ex before getting with the new girl, don't be too shocked that it ended. It was most likely only ever going to be a rebound.

Why not take some time out for yourself. Write a letter to ex and say everything you never said and then burn it. Trust me, you'll feel better for it. Contacting her is only going to mess with your head and make you feel worse. We have to make outer own closure in this life, OP. You'll never get it from an ex.

I suppose the reason I want to contact is partly because I can't believe she wouldnt feel remorse and something inside me needs to hear this and also make sure she knows how badly she acted. Since the breakup I've thought about it but avoided it so far. Does anyone have any positives from contacting an ex?

The gap between the two relationships was about 2 months. Looking back on the second one I suppose I tried to make it work when there were some alarms that it wouldn't work. I seemed I wanted to be in a relationship and ignored a lot of signals.

I suppose the two break ups have got me wondering what's wrong with me. Im also at a stage in life were a lot of freinds are moving in with partners etc but I seem a million miles off that.

@pgj2015 why do you think I should avoid relationships for so long?

pgj2015

I think if you stay single for a year or two it will do you the world of good, i wouldn't say 1 year or even 2 being single is a long time, rebound relationships rarely work, anything within a year of a break up is a rebound to me anyway.

LegacyUser

Your previous relationship ended when your girlfriend cheated you. I have been cheated on in the past - it is not a nice place to be in. It does knock your confidence. The sad fact is that some people lack the decency to end a realtionship before moving on to another person. Some people like to keep their options open.
Your ex does not sound like a nice person and your better off away from her. Don't contact her as your just feeding her ego. I am sure she thinks she did not wrong. Some people are better staying in your past.

I have seen people get to a certain age and they rush toward relationships because they don't want to be alone. Their friends are in relationships/getting married or having kids and they suddenly find that they are alone more. I think when a realtionship ends you need to take a brake and look at your life. Being on your own for a while and getting involved with new groups/organisations or doing some travel can benefit you as a person. Look at where things went wrong and learn from past mistakes.

I would agree that rushing from one relationship to another is not a good thing. I also think you have to be happy within yourself and with what you have to offer another person. A realtionship should be a nice thing to have in your life. Your life is more than being with an other woman because you don't want to be lonely.

batmanrobin

Bitconfused wrote: »

I suppose the reason I want to contact is partly because I can't believe she wouldnt feel remorse and something inside me needs to hear this and also make sure she knows how badly she acted. Since the breakup I've thought about it but avoided it so far. Does anyone have any positives from contacting an ex?

The gap between the two relationships was about 2 months. Looking back on the second one I suppose I tried to make it work when there were some alarms that it wouldn't work. I seemed I wanted to be in a relationship and ignored a lot of signals.

I suppose the two break ups have got me wondering what's wrong with me. Im also at a stage in life were a lot of freinds are moving in with partners etc but I seem a million miles off that.

@pgj2015 why do you think I should avoid relationships for so long?

Trust me, on some level she knows she acted badly. But I find with people like that rarely do they feel remorse for their actions. They know they did wrong but they will use every excuse in the book to justify their actions. Also, if she was really sorry for what she had done, I don't think you'd be the one going in search of the apology. She would have offered it.

Yeah, two months is far too short to have gotten into another relationship. Don't chalk that one up to a failure, really it was just a rebound and those rarely work. I think, when someone has been cheated on, it has a bigger impact on them in terms of moving on. You're dealing with all the lying and cheating and wondering why and how they could do that. It's a head melter.

As pgj2015 said, take some time out. You've never dealt with the fall out of your first relationship. This second breakup is only compounding that. Do you have any hobbies etc? Not as a distraction but as a healthy use of your time.

Don't look at your first ex cheating as a reflection on you. She would have cheated on anyone, it's obviously in her nature. I think once you can accept that her cheating had nothing to do with you, you'll be able to start to move on properly.

It's tough, but taking the time to be by yourself and sorting it out by yourself will be the best thing. I think contacting your ex would only do you more harm than good.

Yellow pack crisps

You want her to suffer like you are. She probably is just in another way. She is your past and i would leave her there and she is not all of a sudden going to be full of remorse and regret. Perhaps one day she will contact you and apologise but that will be her decision. You need to move on with life. This whole closure thing is nonsense, what you are feeling is hurt and that is what you need to deal with in order to move on in life.

KikiDee

Bitconfused wrote: »

I suppose the reason I want to contact is partly because I can't believe she wouldnt feel remorse and something inside me needs to hear this and also make sure she knows how badly she acted. Since the breakup I've thought about it but avoided it so far. Does anyone have any positives from contacting an ex?

She knows how she acted. And she still didn't show any remorse or guilt. That right there would tell you the kind of person she is. Nobody needs a person like this in their lives.

With regards to a positive from contacting an ex...can't say my experience has been positive. If anything, it's had a detrimental effect on my moving on etc. Say you contact her and don't get the answer you need or want? what happens then?? Or she doesn't text back, answer your call/email etc? IME, it's worse when they don't answer. I'd be inclined to agree with most other posters...do not contact her OP.

Bitconfused wrote: »

The gap between the two relationships was about 2 months. Looking back on the second one I suppose I tried to make it work when there were some alarms that it wouldn't work. I seemed I wanted to be in a relationship and ignored a lot of signals.

I suppose the two break ups have got me wondering what's wrong with me.

2 months...you gave yourself 2 months to get over an LTR that ended badly and move on with a new girl. OP, you need to give yourself a break and address the issues you're feeling. Both about your relationship break up (the one earlier in the year) and the feeling that there's something wrong with you.

Bitconfused wrote: »

Im also at a stage in life were a lot of freinds are moving in with partners etc but I seem a million miles off that.

Ohhhh this I get. I'm in very much the same position. I'm the last single girl standing. And I turned 30 recently. In the months leading up to my birthday, I was freaking out and I put unnecessary pressure on myself to find someone. I was dating round the clock and felt that I needed to do this. I eventually burned out a bit and only then did I cop that dating someone because I needed to, was never gonna work. You'd have to want to date. This is something that can't be rushed. And I think with your second relationship, this is what you may have done. It's all well and good for me to say this to you, I've had the realisation and you're still waiting for it but it'll come.

For the moment OP, don't look at how your friends are progressing. Focus on yourself. It's not a race. Like babies learning to walk, we all progress at different stages.

Bitconfused

Thanks for all the responses. It seems this recent breakup has brought all the feeling from the previous right back to the fore. I'm thinking about things I haven't thought about in months. I swear I had nearly forgotten. I'm thinking about minute details again. I had seen messages between the two, when I confronted my ex she denied etc. She put the blame on me which at the time angered me and that feeling has come back but not a fraction as much as then.

One of the posters mentioned that because of the cheating she was probably not a very nice person. This is what's so hard to understand, she was my one and only for a long time and vice versa. Her way of dealing with the breakup was so out of character.
With the second relationship I suppose I saw some characteristics/attitude in her that were absent in my ltr but ignored our overall incompatiblity. It's funny because when I was with her we had a great time and overall she was a lovely woman but obviously nothing much deeper.

When I met the second girl I felt it was the right thing to go for and put the other girl well behind me but may be I wanted to catch up with her because she had been seeing the lad she cheated with.

I know counselling is often recommended here and this is something my ltr ex mentioned she was doing shortly after our breakup. What has people's experiences of this been? Atm I'm mostly thinking about this scenario.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

I'm a very recent advocat of counselling. I found the first few sessions to be ever so slightly tiring, a lot of crying, soul searching. But I can honestly say, it was the best thing I could have done for myself at the time. It's nice to talk things out with someone who doesn't know youand can make you look at things from different viewpoints.

You say you're not feeling as angry now as then...that's great OP. I know it's only something small but it's still a good sign so take that and run with it. I found with my own break up, anything I could do for a 'win' for myself, bouyed me up.