At what point do you give up on meeting someone?

LegacyUser

I'm a guy in my late 30s, I've never had a relationship, only had sex twice and I think I just have to accept I'll always be single.

I did have a really abusive childhood and serious social anxiety growing up and became a virtual recluse but in the past 10 years I have really worked to overcome my problems and now have many hobbies and interests and am always out and about meeting people and know and have met many girls and get along well with them but I just cannot meet a girlfriend.

Any of my efforts to date anyone just don't go anywhere. I realise I am possibly too cautious but I try to put myself out there and in the past few years I've tried online dating and have asked several girls out but no.

I find it hard to tell if someone likes me or not but a close female friend said a girl would do something to make it very obvious if she was into me but I've never seen that so can only conclude I am too ugly, stupid or boring for anyone to want to go out with me.

I suppose part of the problem is that I don't really do pubs or clubs or drinking so have been trying to meet people through shared hobbies etc but I could never approach anyone in a club anyway. I'm just not confident enough.

It really gets me down and I am just at a stage where I want to give up. I see couples everywhere I go and sometimes I just want to bust into tears as I know it is impossible for me to meet anyone.

I suppose partly I just don't know how to ask girls out or date as I didn't really do it when I was younger and I have never done the pub/club scene like normal people either. I remember being called a boring bastard by my cousin at her 30th birthday party as I didn't want to drink. Perhaps I just am boring. I also know I'm not the best looking guy out there either. People always tell me I'm really funny and intelligent but I figure if I was intelligent my life wouldn't be so empty.

Perhaps I just need to accept it's something I can't do. I love music but know I will never have a hit record as I'm a terrible singer so don't waste time thinking about an unobtainable dream. Perhaps I just need to similarly accept I lack the necessary skills to meet a girl.

I put on a brave face and get out and about as much as possible and am always the funny guy ready with a joke that makes everyone else laugh but inside I just feel so lonely and unhappy. I'm just doing an Eleanor Rigby - wearing the mask that I keep in the jar by the door.

Airyfairy12

Women love confidence, it doesnt matter what you look like or what youre interested in or what age you are, natural confidence makes girls weak! Try to work on that, maybe with therapy or assertiveness classes?

woodchuck

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Women love confidence, it doesnt matter what you look like or what youre interested in or what age you are, natural confidence makes girls weak! Try to work on that, maybe with therapy or assertiveness classes?

This. A thousand times this.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP, but your post came across as a bit of a pity party... nobody is attracted to that! I know it's a cliche, but you really do need to learn to love yourself before you can expect anybody else too. Work on your own self confidence and then everything else will naturally fall into place.

Xterminator

Hi Permanentlylonely123.

if you dont love yourself, how do you expect someone else to ?

This (lack of) confidence, in yourself, and your personal worth is perceived by others. There are plenty of examples of guys who are no oil painting, finding partner(s) and having relationships etc.

im not saying it is a lightswitch you can just flip to the on position. but you need to work on that aspect. see a counsellor - read self help books - throw yourself into your hobbies and enjoy your life.

Get a pet. If you don't have one got and get one. I moved to new estate and in a year i spoke to 5 neighbours. As soon as i got and walked a dog, it broke the ice, people would smile at me, and talk to me, it was the ultimate icebreaker.

silverharp

yep combination of confidence and a bit of passion for life. do you have the rest of your life sorted, do you have a job and your own place?

Musketeer4

I know it's only one facet of attraction but maybe you could work on your physical attractiveness? Getting that sorted will also help you gain great confidence if done in the right way. Maybe you could join a CrossFit or do personal training to get fit and in cracking shape over the next few months. It will set yourself a goal and get you out meeting new people and all of that will boost your confidence and self esteem.

Each to their own of course but I wouldn't get a pet f I were you. I'd just work on the confidence and the physical side of things for a start.

Not to put a downer on things but in the late 30s age group the pool of single women available to get in a relationship with can be slim. And many of those singles will either have issues as to why they were always single or else they will have baggage from past relationships.

LegacyUser

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Not to put a downer on things but in the late 30s age group the pool of single women available to get in a relationship with can be slim. And many of those singles will either have issues as to why they were always single or else they will have baggage from past relationships.

I think this is part of the problem. I have recently tried to date two women (at different times) who initially gave all the right signals, one met completely randomly at a hostel on a hill walking trip and one met through friends who both say that they've been hurt so much that they don't want another relationship ever again. I've had that before too. It just makes me question if there even any point in looking any more. I do tend to get very down sometimes (like this morning when I made the original post) about it as I feel I've missed the boat in life.

I possibly sounded really pathetic and needy in the OP, I probably came across as such in the past in real life but now I am much more laid back and relaxed about things but still don't seem to get anywhere and I end up questioning myself and what I can do different or even if there is any point at all.

In regards to other aspects of my life, I do take my health and fitness quite seriously an am very active and pretty fit (for the past few years at least - I once was seriously overweight 10+ years ago but worked on it). I am now a keen cyclist and hiker and exercise every day.

I am unemployed just now after being recently made redundant from a technical job I did for the past 14 years. I am currently looking for work but that hasn't been very successful for me either but I am not some sort of lazy slob, I've always been in work until this happened but it's the times we live in. I'll keep applying and something will turn up.

I do have a love of life and involved in many different things and am rarely at home tbh. Again this wasn't the case 10+ years ago but I worked on becoming more outgoing and developing more interests and I do meet many people and can hold conversation fine with most but something I am aware of is that I am probably very guarded and don't open up to people until I know and trust them better. I possibly come across as aloof at times.

I have read many self help books and seen a few counsellors, I've made amazing progress when I look back to where I was and find myself doing all sorts of things I simply could not have done in my early 20s but dating is the one thing that eludes me and I am always conscious of not really knowing what I'm doing.

Yellow pack crisps

The short answer is: Never. Why limit yourself to a yes or a no. Confidence is of course a good trait but certainly not the be all and end of anything. People go for different personalities so don't listen to that spiel. Bravery is what you need. What I mean by this is that you can't just accept defeat after some knocks in life what would that say about your character? You need to put yourself about and stop focusing on what you have achieved which I have no doubt is very admirable but focus on what you can achieve. Do you actually realise the sheer amount of women in Ireland who want a nice guy to settle down with? It's amazingly high. A question you need to ask yourself is this: Am I physically open to meeting someone? That is in No way the same as being mentally open to meeting someone which is easier for you to understand. being physically open is to have the ability to take advantage of any situation that presents itself to you.

Online dating! It's a pain in the hole! But it's also another way to meet someone. People fail in online dating because they don't put enough time into it and expect instant results. Take your time to do up a profile and give a good and open account of yourself and what you are looking for. And be prepared to stay on it for up to one year because it can take that long to meet someone.

DoozerT6

You sound like you have a very full life apart from the relationship aspect, and that's good. I wish I had your drive.

Just be the very best version of you that you can Even if you don't meet anyone (and there are those of us who just don't) at least you won't regret the life you led.

LegacyUser

I wasted most of my 20s and 30s doing very little at all but gradually found confidence and have embraced the do whatever makes you happy approach but girlfriends remain elusive and as my 40th birthday gets ever closer I am suddenly very aware of my permanent single status and really would like to change it.

cactusgal

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Not to put a downer on things but in the late 30s age group the pool of single women available to get in a relationship with can be slim. And many of those singles will either have issues as to why they were always single or else they will have baggage from past relationships.

I really hate bulls*t over generalized statements like this.

Are you acquainted with every single woman in her late 30s on the island of Ireland?

There are a lot of single women in their 30s who are lovely, available, and magically un-plagued from tragic issues. I was one of them before I met my boyfriend at age 36. I have several other friends in their late 30s who are also lovely.

OP, please don't let ignorant, negative generalizations like the post I quoted get you down.

What makes you happy, irrespective of whether or not you're with another person? What do you think are your best qualities?

jenny smith

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Women love confidence, it doesnt matter what you look like or what youre interested in or what age you are, natural confidence makes girls weak! Try to work on that, maybe with therapy or assertiveness classes?

Do you really believe that? i have friends who are very confident and not in a showy egotistical way and do not make girls weak

Yellow pack crisps

Not to put a downer on things but in the late 30s age group the pool of single women available to get in a relationship with can be slim. And many of those singles will either have issues as to why they were always single or else they will have baggage from past relationships.[/QUOTE]

On the flip side of that is the fact that a lot of people, actually most people have issues whether thats small or large but in the comfort of a relationship and as you can see from the many unhappy relationships that turn up on here a lot of people in relationships seem to ignore those issues and as you can see from the countless single people threads on boards a lot of 30 somethings are actually looking for advice on how to improve...Guess which one i would prefer.

santana75

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Not to put a downer on things but in the late 30s age group the pool of single women available to get in a relationship with can be slim. And many of those singles will either have issues as to why they were always single or else they will have baggage from past relationships.

Say what? I laugh when I read things like this. If you truly believe this then my friend you are screwed. Its not the truth btw, but if you insist upon telling yourself complete BS then pretty soon you will buy into it and when you buy into something it becomes your reality whether its actually true or not. The pool of available women is colossal. There are no limits only the ones you put on yourself. Who says you have to date late 30s? Date whatever age category you like. If you meet a girl whos 21 and you get on like a house on fire. She likes you, you like her, go for it. Who cares? Its your life, two consenting adults, do whatever you like and forget about what you "should" do or who you should date.

OP you say you're not the type of guy who approaches women.......I laugh when I here stuff like this aswell. Not that Im insensitive to your plight, no way. Its just that the very thing you refuse to do, or the thing that scares you the most is the one thing you need to do to change your life. You cant get around this. If you want sex, love, intimacy and a relationship then you have to go after those things. Nothing wrong with casual flings and just sex. You dont have to go after a long term, serious relationship straight out of the blocks. Things develop and you dont know where they'll lead, so dont put pressure on yourself or the other person by being all serious relationship mode straight away. Have fun. But you can only do this when you face your fears. Your fear is walking up to a girl in a bar and striking up a conversation with her. Then do it. You'll probably **** it up or just have a nice conversation that goes no place, thats fine. But when you step over that treshold and be brave something shifts inside of you and you grow. But you'll never learn this lesson unless you take the plunge. You can try to avoid this for the rest of your days and hope that some girl will magically approach you and do all the heavy lifting..........never going to happen. Be a man, be brave, go for it. You'll discover that all the things you believed about yourself were lies. And when you see the lies you believed about yourself for what they are then everything opens up and you will back yourself. Go to a bar, approach a girl you like. Pull the trigger. Forget internet dating, it will never work out for you that way because youre using it to hide from your fear of approaching. Dont make excuses, just step up and do it. Your life will change, literally in the space of a few minutes.

professore

santana75 wrote: »

Say what? I laugh when I read things like this. If you truly believe this then my friend you are screwed. Its not the truth btw, but if you insist upon telling yourself complete BS then pretty soon you will buy into it and when you buy into something it becomes your reality whether its actually true or not. The pool of available women is colossal. There are no limits only the ones you put on yourself. Who says you have to date late 30s? Date whatever age category you like. If you meet a girl whos 21 and you get on like a house on fire. She likes you, you like her, go for it. Who cares? Its your life, two consenting adults, do whatever you like and forget about what you "should" do or who you should date.

OP you say you're not the type of guy who approaches women.......I laugh when I here stuff like this aswell. Not that Im insensitive to your plight, no way. Its just that the very thing you refuse to do, or the thing that scares you the most is the one thing you need to do to change your life. You cant get around this. If you want sex, love, intimacy and a relationship then you have to go after those things. Nothing wrong with casual flings and just sex. You dont have to go after a long term, serious relationship straight out of the blocks. Things develop and you dont know where they'll lead, so dont put pressure on yourself or the other person by being all serious relationship mode straight away. Have fun. But you can only do this when you face your fears. Your fear is walking up to a girl in a bar and striking up a conversation with her. Then do it. You'll probably **** it up or just have a nice conversation that goes no place, thats fine. But when you step over that treshold and be brave something shifts inside of you and you grow. But you'll never learn this lesson unless you take the plunge. You can try to avoid this for the rest of your days and hope that some girl will magically approach you and do all the heavy lifting..........never going to happen. Be a man, be brave, go for it. You'll discover that all the things you believed about yourself were lies. And when you see the lies you believed about yourself for what they are then everything opens up and you will back yourself. Go to a bar, approach a girl you like. Pull the trigger. Forget internet dating, it will never work out for you that way because youre using it to hide from your fear of approaching. Dont make excuses, just step up and do it. Your life will change, literally in the space of a few minutes.

Yep. Make it a goal to get rejected 5 times. You will get rejected, sometimes extremely bluntly and cruelly. Those ones don't count as you are too good for that type of woman anyway. Don't be too nice or polite but don't be an ass either - have an attitude that you don't care one way or the other - and you don't - you are collecting rejections remember !

Be direct. Be funny. Try all sorts of women, ones you wouldn't normally be attracted to. It's all experience. Enjoy yourself. It should be fun. This comes across as confidence, that women love.

Strike up conversations with random strangers of all ages and genders. You are in your late 30s - this is peak attractiveness when you are a man.

Dress well. Work out. Good luck !

intheclouds

You say you dont know how to ask a girl out or date.

Its really really simple - while in conversation with a girl you simply say "Hey, would you like to go and and do something together sometime?". Its that easy.

kellyshell

Can I just say first of all your cousin isn't a very nice person..................I love going out drinking (I am 33) but would never consider someone boring because they don't! your body your choice......

Also, yes some women my age have been very hurt (me included) and it does take time but as a lot of people have said confidence is key. I don't like c0cky but love a man that has the confidence to come to me for a chat.

Be yourself, don't go overboard trying to impress a lady and if you can make a girl laugh that's 70% of the job done

Sheog

cactusgal wrote: »

I really hate bulls*t over generalized statements like this.

Are you acquainted with every single woman in her late 30s on the island of Ireland?

There are a lot of single women in their 30s who are lovely, available, and magically un-plagued from tragic issues. I was one of them before I met my boyfriend at age 36. I have several other friends in their late 30s who are also lovely.

OP, please don't let ignorant, negative generalizations like the post I quoted get you down.

What makes you happy, irrespective of whether or not you're with another person? What do you think are your best qualities?

Well said cactusgal and thank you! These sorts of generalisations are completely outdated, unnecessary and unhelpful!!!

mrsdewinter

OP, I think you sound fantastic: you're thoughtful, self-aware... you don't drink! They're all plus points for women. Get out there, find a nice girl and treat her well!

jenny smith

At what point do you give up on meeting someone?

Why would you ever give up if it is important to you?