Serious worries regarding food and body image

LegacyUser

Hi guys, I'm having a problem and was hoping I could get some advice, bear with me, I have a lot to say. I thought I would include everything so I could give you all the picture.
I am 20, and female.

So two years ago I lost a lot of weight healthily. I was verging on over weight and it was something I had to do for my own good, so I ate very well and exercised and lost 2 stone.

Naturally everyone kept telling me I looked great and that was good for a while until I started to feel like if I was even thinner I'd look better. Anyways, I started college and got into this really nasty binge/starve cycle. I didn't lose any weight because everything I lost I gained back from binging. by the end of the college year, my weight was up which depressed me big time so over summer I went back to a healthy diet and dropped down to my original weight. I did however have a starvation period, I ate around 800 cals a day, I lost my period and did not defacate for 3 weeks.

I returned to college this year and began starving myself again. I don't know why. I guess I hoped it would get people to notice me. I feel a bit alone. But then the binge/starve cycle kicked in. Calories are my addiction, I count them everyday and have to plan my calories for the day the night before. I also weigh myself every morning and the number on the scale is a complete dictation of my confidence and overall mood for that day. I always examine my body and take photos, but no matter how thin I get I look so big in my eyes. I have started to exercise a lot too and I am becoming more and more sad because the harder I try to restrict my calories and exercise, the less progress I make. I have a lot to focus on and when I don't eat, I am happier, but I cant concentrate. When I do eat, I feel better but I also feel disgusting and fat. I have tried to throw up my food but it is really difficult to go through with.

I am so tired. What's more, I am obsessed with food. I watch videos about people eating massive amounts, and so many cooking programs. I am constantly thinking about what I would love to eat but what I tell myself I can't. every meal is chosen based on calories.

I feel like a failure. Trying to convince people I have a problem seems pointless when I am a normal weight. At this stage I just want to become so thin that I can get help because this is really taking a toll on me. I am not myself, I haven't been for a while.

Has anyone any experience with this? I am not anorexic, this is just all in my mind but am I just being over dramatic? I am at the end of my tether, I also have nobody to talk to so any tips would be appreciated. thanks.

Mr. Incognito

The first tip I can give you is this is not healthy behaviour.

You need to attend on a GP asap and you need to print off that message and show it to him.

I'm not a medical professional and indeed medical advice is banned but you appear to have an eating disorder.

Starving yourself so your body stops functioning is deeply disturbing.

You need help. The first step is recognising this.

gossamer

If you go to your GP in college he/she will have seen this issue crop up many times and should be able to help you and most importantly, take you seriously. It's not uncommon for college students to develop disordered eating habits or even eating disorders, in fact I would say it's very common from my own experience.

Secondly, there should be a counsellor/ psychotherapist on campus. Book an appointment to try get to the root of the issue. You said you feel alone and have no one to confide in, so this will help a great deal.

Thirdly, I've seen the book "Brain Over Binge" recommended so many times to people who are stuck in a restrict/ binge cycle. I would recoommend reading "Fat Is A Feminist Issue" too, some parts you can leave or take but the bulk of the book is an eye opener and would be a great tool to have behind you.

Getting to the root of the problem is hard work, so too is leaving behind old habits because they're coping mechanisms at this stage, but it's worth it. You just have to keep plugging away at it.

Musketeer4

Print off your post OP and then go to the doctor or nurse on your college campus. They will be able to help you.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for the advice. It is really hard to talk to anyone about. I don't have the money to go to a counsellor and I can't talk to my parents about this. I believe they are aware I have issues but since I live away from home for the college year I don't think they know the severity as they only see me once a month or so.

Hence I would have to ask them for the money and that would mean I would have to explain. Sorry I know I need to ge myself some help but there is always something in my mind stopping me. I guess part of me doesn't want to change. If I am forced to eat more I will get fat and then I'll feel even worse you know.

Musketeer4

You won't have to pay to see the counsellor in your college.
Don't be making excuses why you can't/won't address the issue.

Clea

I also weigh myself every morning and the number on the scale is a complete dictation of my confidence and overall mood for that day.

I do this as well, and it effects me the same way. I am not overweight but I think I can easily lose a stone and look better.

Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is that as a student you definitely do have a free access to student counseling service. Talking with a professional can help you lots, even it is always down to us to change the behaviour and is not always easy due to underlying issues, and for some may be a life-long battle.
But even getting some clarity on it may help.

Clea

There are also free meetings for OA (overeaters anonimous) similar to AA that Id totally recommend as just listening to other people may help, as well as the bodywhys dot ie (I cannot post links as a new-bee) their services are also free of charge afaik so you may want to check it.

All the best! : )

mapaca

Please go to the college doctor or counsellor and tell them what you've told us here. You don't have to go through this on your own. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your college experience. Please talk to someone.

Alf Veedersane

Go to a doctor and repeat your OP. You will get a referral and be looked after.

You have an eating disorder. It may not be anorexia or bulimia in the strictest sense bit your relationship with food is disordered.

I get that there seems to be a stigma about it...that you might not want to get any form of counselling because that's for people way worse off.

But it really isn't. I know from experience.

I found myself in a position where I had to tell a doctor about my situation. They had a specialist who spoke to me and put me at ease. I got a referral and within a week or two I had weekly sessions with a cognitive behavioural therapist.

The reasons for your disordered relationship with food don't even necessarily have to be about food. Deep down anyway. A lot of the behaviours can be manifestations of other issues that you tease out.

I never once felt judged. I never once felt ashamed about getting help.

I never once looked back.

Start with a visit to your doctor, OP. You owe it to yourself. Once you start to tell them, you'll start to feel a pressure lift.

Galbin

You need to seek medical help. The truth of the matter is that most people with eating disorders are a normal weight or even overweight. The fact that you say you first started restricting when you weren't even medically overweight is a real red flag too. Many professionals in the field of ED treatment are calling for the weight limits to be eliminated as people can have raging EDs and still be in the "normal" weight range. The behaviour is what is important, and it can have serious health consequences.

IMO and experience, your extreme restriction is concering. Also, there is a sub-type of anorexia where is a person is assessed based on their behaviours, and weight is not part of the diagnostic criteria.

In short, you need to go to a medical professional and get a professional assessment.

This blog post explains the myths/realities of eating disorders: http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2016/2/13/dear-doctor-your-patient-has-an-eating-disorder