Is this too much?

LegacyUser

Hi all


Broke up with an ex after a bad few years (5yrs together) have just got back to myself recently, going out and meeting new people etc.

The issue is a new guy has come into my life by chance, and I don't know why but I just feel very unsure of the whole thing!! He has lavished me with gifts, sent stuff to my workplace etc. We have only been on 2 dates.

I'm just a little bit unsure, I've never had this in my life before and I keep doubting everything. We haven't slept together as I still have a guard up due to the unreal hurt I went through with my ex. Sometimes I get a bit of a controlling sort of vibe from this new guy. But I was used to this behaviour from the ex so I am so confused if it's that.

I'm starting to feel really pressured from this new guy and honestly it has me freaked out I wonder have I just rushed into something and now I feel like I cant get out of it. He is a really nice guy and has spoiled me rotten in just 2 weeks, but I'm not sure I really like it!! My head is still a bit all over the place, even though I broke up with my ex over a year ago.

Would really appreciate advice

bee06

It all seems very full on with the gifts and everything. Have you told him this and explained that you'd prefer to take things a bit slower. His reaction this could be very telling.

Sound Bite

I think your gut instinct is right.

I would find that behaviour very smoothering and would run a mile from anyone who would send me something to my workplace especially so soon.

You should never feel pressure in a relationship. Leave before you get more involved.

Airyfairy12

Trust your gut, if a guy was sending me gifts after 2 dates id run a mile. If something feels uncomfortable for you then you need to listen to that.

Big Turd

Ahh, the gut doesn't lie BUT I'd have a chat before I'd go running, it could be just him, who he is.

Have a chat, knock things on the head for a week and then see how things lie I say.

Skibunny77

Op, can you explain a little more about the behaviour you find controlling? I'd find the gift giving intense but the gifts sent to my workplace particularly intrusive. You don't owe anyone anything after two dates. This may be his way of trying to impress you but I am concerned by the reference to controlling behaviour.

Yellow pack crisps

I would not send gifts to a So workplace ever! It shows a real show off style with no substance and is incredibly invasive, intrusive and odd. I don't know about the controlling thing as you ill need to elaborate but it shows that he is attempting to guilt you into liking him by showering you with gifts and when you ultimately try to cool things down he will act hurt and tell you all the nice things he did for you and how you don't appreciate it and thus begins the cycle of power. I am sorry OP no rational man/woman showers gifts and is overburdening after two dates and is full on in the extreme. Whether you continue to date him is your own choice but i would certainly tell him to knock all that stuff on the head and that you would prefer to get to know him slowly and at a slower pace as that will truly determine whether he likes you and wants to get to really know you. Buying gifts and showering you with everything he thinks you want early on is easy but getting to know someone and wanting to be part of their life longterm separates the jokers from the genuine.

Mr. Incognito

I'm starting to feel really pressured from this new guy

Cut contact. No-one should feel pressured after two dates.

Some people smell vulnerability a mile away and are predators on it.

Typer Monkey

Why do you say you feel you can't get out of it? That statement is concerning. You've only been on two dates. It couldn't be simpler to get out of this. Just call him up and say you're not feeling it and don't contact him anymore. A trapped feeling after two dates is worrying

Flippyfloppy

Get out now, this guy knows no boundaries.

I remember after 3 months being official with my now husband feeling a little awkward buying him a small gift for our first weekend away together.

After two dates this guy should be wondering if there'll be another date, not showering you with gifts and controlling you.

Run girl run!!! Please!!

leggo

Yeah like usually I don't go with the "It's supposed to be all amazing and bliss at the start" line of thinking, plenty of great relationships overcome rocky starts and teething issues. But after two dates to feel the emotions you're feeling? Do yourself a favour and don't get dragged into the rabbit hole. If he plays the "I got you this, I did that for you..." card, take it as a sign that he's exactly what you thought he was and you had a lucky escape.

LegacyUser

Re: the controlling behaviour, he was very intrusive as in if I was out he would send 2 or 3 texts asking where I was, who I was with and if I ignored that question he would ask again until I answered. He did that twice in one week and I didn't appreciate that. He also was very pass remarkable about how I am "lazy" on a Sunday. Which is my rest day (like most people) and I really didn't like how he kept commenting that I was "sitting on my hole" etc. I actually told him that it was none of his business what I do in my spare time, and he tried to laugh it off as a joke and make out that I am sensitive???? He was a non stop texter too which I cannot stand. I like my space.


I really agree with you all and I am so glad this all wasnt just in my head. It was all way too much for me, alarm bells were going off all over the place. The gifts were honestly massively over the top and even my family were saying they didnt think it was normal.


So my I went with my gut and I told him this is way too much for me, I wasnt feeling it and surprise surprise he took the aggressive approach saying that I "used" him??? I didn't ask for any of this. He took it upon himself to be over the top. So he was not pleasant at all. I didn't sleep a wink last night because I felt so sick over it all. My stomach is in knots but I've removed him from social media so I think I did the best thing.

Really am so thankful for all your messages, it honestly helps me so much that I know I wasnt alone in thinking this was bizarre. I am still not 100% over my ex, but I still have the sense to see these red flags!!

batmanrobin

OP, a year broken up isn't that long. Not when you were with your ex for so long and it was a bad relationship. They're will be a lot to unpack from that. Honestly, I think it would be in your best interests to take time out by yourself. Maybe even get some counselling.

Re the new guy, some people can be overly affectionate etc with people they barely know. That being said, being showered with gifts within a few weeks of knowing someone wouldn't feel right to me. Especially if someone was sending stuff to my job! Although I'd feel that way even if I was with someone long term (prefer to keep work and private life separate).

As another poster said, you saying you feel you can't get out of it is worrying and I think indicative of how much your ex has affected you.

If you really like this guy and want to see where it will go, then just tell him you're not comfortable with that level of attention and ask that he pull it back. However I really think some counselling and time by yourself would be the best thing.

Merkin

You really did the right thing OP. If I was like that after a couple of dates can you imagine what he'd be like in a relationship?! :eek: If he tried to make any contact at all I wouldn't engage with him any further as he's clearly unhinged. Well done on extricating yourself!

Flippyfloppy

Briliiant OP I'm delighted that you finished it. Well done you. His behaviour was not right at all, and it was only the beginning. I dread to think what he would have been like after the 'honeymoon period'

The beginning of a relationship *should* move slowly but surely,mutual respect with no game playing either through acting hot and cold or showering with gifts and texts!

I hope you can take this time now to get over your ex, and when you're ready have a long hard think about what you want in a partner. I really recommend counselling, everyone can benefit from it.

batmanrobin

Well done, OP!! His reaction to you ending it showed how bang on your gut was. Definitely dodged a bullet!

LegacyUser

The relief I feel! I still do feel very nervous, I don't know why I am just finding it hard to calm down, probably because I keep thinking of the what ifs! But I am so bloody relieved now that he's gone. I am on a waiting list for a counsellor because I 100% need one and think they are a massive benefit!

I've set up threads before but this one has been the most beneficial to me and I cannot thank everyone enough for helping me and seeing what I knew deep down. If I could tell anyone one thing to learn from this: Always trust your gut! Always!

Thanks so much again all. The relief is unreal.

miamee

Feel proud of yourself OP. You saw the red flags, you knew something wasn't right and you stood up for what was best for you by putting an end to it. And you know from his reaction that you were dead right to do so. Good on you

Sound Bite

It's so nice to read a thread where a person asks for advice, takes it all on board and is happy with the outcome.

Fair play op, you made the right decision.

Fakediamond

Well done OP. Now do not respond to any phone calls or texts from him, if he tries to make contact. You have no need to explain yourself and don't owe him anything.

Good luck with the counselling!

bee06

Jeez, if my husband acted like that I'd be thinking it was over the top never mind someone who I had been on two dates with! Well done OP on standing up to him!

Ursus Horribilis

Well done on nipping this in the bud. That is quite a bullet you dodged so no wonder you're feeling shaky. I don't want to scare you but I think you should be extra vigilant about your personal safety for the time being. Hopefully this guy will clear off and leave you alone but you never can know.

seenitall

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

That is quite a bullet you dodged so no wonder you're feeling shaky.

The above needs repeating: a bullet WELL dodged, op.

I only pity this freak's next victim, as he is bound to find someone vulnerable enough at some point and consequently squeeze her life out of her for her trouble.

But it won't be you! Onwards and upwards

eviltwin

OP I want to give you a huge pat on the back. Well done. You've come out of a bad relationship and have moved on enough that you can see the warning signs and have the confidence to say you're not going to put up with it. That is huge progress so you should feel really proud of yourself.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

Well done to ya!! A lot of the time, when in situations we find overwhelming, we can't see the wood for the trees (or is it trees for the wood??) so it's nice to get an outsiders opinion. I def think you're doing the right thing with going to see someone. I've found it so beneficial since my break up. It really helps you let go of things you didn't even realise you were holding onto!

Onwards and upwards OP

LegacyUser

Everyone has been so supportive, very thankful for boards this week

There has been no contact/attempt from him to add me on social media so far but I am honestly not banking on that being the end of it. I am quite proud of myself though in having the bravery to nip this in the bud so quick. I suppose in a strange way I can be thankful for the hell I went through before because it's shaped me now to not accept this behaviour ever again. And also have you boardsies helping!

He must have spent I would say close to €600 on the 2 dates and the gifts. Lunatic. I am not the type of woman to allow a man to pay for everything either, so I felt under even more pressure to get him drinks back, in the most ridiculously elite places that he picked (drinks were a fortune) he obviously has way more money than sense, and fair dues to him. He was actually sound/good looking. But the controlling/sinister side to him was too much.

I come from a family of only men (5 brothers with me the youngest) so as you can imagine, his lavishing went down like a lead balloon . They all thought he was a lunatic, and could sense a sinister side to him before I even could.

I honestly pity the next girl I really do!

leggo

Reminds me of hearing about an ex of an ex. Tried to blow her away with money at the start to the point she was trying to tot up how she could possibly be even, until he was lavishing her with so much she couldn't keep up anymore. Then later he kinda saw the relationship, and all involved, as having been bought and paid for. If she didn't want to have sex he'd act as if her body was his on-demand, and so on, every penny he spent eventually got thrown in her face somehow.

It's a scary situation. I'm sure many could tell a similar tale. But because you've got a taste of this now you'll be able to spot it a mile off in the future.

santana75

Jeez go easy on the guy. He made a mistake thats all. He believed by buying gifts he'd win the affection of the Op. Im pretty sure he's not the first dude to try this in the history of the world. His reaction is petty sure enough, but to be fair I dated a girl who did the same with me and her reaction was the same. And she wasnt a psycho. Her feelings were hurt thats all, Its rejection after all and not everybody takes rejection with good grace and dignity. I can feel for the guy, he thought he was doing the right thing and it blew up in his face, he got ditched. Thats gotta sting, and he'll never make that mistake again.

eviltwin

santana75 wrote: »

Jeez go easy on the guy. He made a mistake thats all. He believed by buying gifts he'd win the affection of the Op. Im pretty sure he's not the first dude to try this in the history of the world. His reaction is petty sure enough, but to be fair I dated a girl who did the same with me and her reaction was the same. And she wasnt a psycho. Her feelings were hurt thats all, Its rejection after all and not everybody takes rejection with good grace and dignity. I can feel for the guy, he thought he was doing the right thing and it blew up in his face, he got ditched. Thats gotta sting, and he'll never make that mistake again.

Did you miss the post about his controlling behaviour?

LegacyUser

santana75 wrote: »

Jeez go easy on the guy. He made a mistake thats all. He believed by buying gifts he'd win the affection of the Op. Im pretty sure he's not the first dude to try this in the history of the world. His reaction is petty sure enough, but to be fair I dated a girl who did the same with me and her reaction was the same. And she wasnt a psycho. Her feelings were hurt thats all, Its rejection after all and not everybody takes rejection with good grace and dignity. I can feel for the guy, he thought he was doing the right thing and it blew up in his face, he got ditched. Thats gotta sting, and he'll never make that mistake again.

I think you missed the point though, it was the controlling vibe I got off him that was the major problem. That's what started the alarm bells ringing. He had also took the liberty of booking a night away for us in 2 weeks time. Never even asked me, just told me it was booked, so again I felt pressured. After 2 dates you don't think thats a bit much? Each to their own!

santana75

Op here again.. wrote: »

I think you missed the point though, it was the controlling vibe I got off him that was the major problem. That's what started the alarm bells ringing. He had also took the liberty of booking a night away for us in 2 weeks time. Never even asked me, just told me it was booked, so again I felt pressured. After 2 dates you don't think thats a bit much? Each to their own!

I agree with you, it was too much and I never said it wasnt. What Im saying is people do this kind of thing. They genuinely believe that to win someone over they have to shower them with gifts and weekends away. Its just a lack of social awareness and dating awareness. I bet if you were to sit that guy down and have a long talk with him you'd find that he hadnt a clue how the dating game works. But you're jumping to conclusions about how controlling and this or that he "could've been". I've met people like this and they are just clueless. They can be too much and I wouldnt date one, but they're not sinister.

eviltwin

santana75 wrote: »

I agree with you, it was too much and I never said it wasnt. What Im saying is people do this kind of thing. They genuinely believe that to win someone over they have to shower them with gifts and weekends away. Its just a lack of social awareness and dating awareness. I bet if you were to sit that guy down and have a long talk with him you'd find that he hadnt a clue how the dating game works. But you're jumping to conclusions about how controlling and this or that he "could've been". I've met people like this and they are just clueless. They can be too much and I wouldnt date one, but they're not sinister.

The texts messages were the red flags for me. Who after a couple of weeks thinks it's okay to send text after text wanting to know what you're doing and who you are with? There is nothing normal about that.

santana75

eviltwin wrote: »

The texts messages were the red flags for me. Who after a couple of weeks thinks it's okay to send text after text wanting to know what you're doing and who you are with? There is nothing normal about that.

It may not be normal behaviour but at the end of the day the guy is a human being and deserves to be treated as such. Not have himself tried and judged on a forum over the internet.

seenitall

santana75 wrote: »

It may not be normal behaviour but at the end of the day the guy is a human being and deserves to be treated as such. Not have himself tried and judged on a forum over the internet.

There isn't any trial going on, the guy is completely anonymous on here so let's not blow things out of proportion. What is much more important is possibly vulnerable or inexperienced people reading this thread and taking away some life tips from it, not just the OP.

This stuff is really important in life. Young or inexperienced or vulnerable people can find themselves embroiled in an abusive relationship with someone like the above guy sooner than boo. If he is behaving in this overbearing, controlling manner a mere 2 WEEKS in, what do you think his behaviour will be 2 months or 2 years in? Consider that by that time the other person is emotionally or otherwise more involved and it is more difficult to leave. I honestly shudder to imagine. So this is a red flag in the first order of magnitude, and should be shown up as such on this and similar threads.

I usually like your posts, Santana , they are generally good and supportive, but this time I think you are so wide off the mark it's not even funny!

santana75

This is the OP here wrote: »

Re: the controlling behaviour, he was very intrusive as in if I was out he would send 2 or 3 texts asking where I was, who I was with and if I ignored that question he would ask again until I answered. He did that twice in one week and I didn't appreciate that. He also was very pass remarkable about how I am "lazy" on a Sunday. Which is my rest day (like most people) and I really didn't like how he kept commenting that I was "sitting on my hole" etc. I actually told him that it was none of his business what I do in my spare time, and he tried to laugh it off as a joke and make out that I am sensitive???? He was a non stop texter too which I cannot stand. I like my space.

!

Op I have to apologise here......i completley misread this comment. I thought this was about your ex, not the guy you'd been just seeing for two weeks. Youre 100% right, this is crazy behaviour and he had to been shown the door.