Husbands family

LegacyUser

As far as problems go this is minor, but its really starting to affect how I behave

I’m married to a wonderful man, we’re both late 30s.

I’m fairly quiet, suffer quite a bit with social anxiety but will speak up when necessary.

The problem is his family. They act in a childish and mean way towards me just because I’m a bit different than they are.

They’re quite traditional middle-class. I grew up with a single working class mother and have a different perspective on life. We tend not to talk about politics etc but whenever I have an opinion on something it feels like they look down on me.

Yesterday in Boots I was with his sister and wanted a lipstick in a specific color. His sister found the color but unfortunately it’s a a brand I don’t buy cos they tests on animals. She pushed it “but if you want it you’ll have to buy this brand!” and I simply said “I’d just rather not have it”

She went off, eyes rolling making faces to the other sister and started bitching about me.

This stuff happens all the time. I didn’t want to go greyhound racing cos I don’t agree with it (they’re sent of to the middle east for food after their career) and I was a bitch for not going to someones birthday.

Just to be clear, I don’t stand on my soap box and preach. If an issue arises I just politely state I’d rather not. They tend to push me and if I give a reason they act like I’ve thrown out their toys.

I’m vegetarian and have never told them. Because I’d just get faces made at me and comments behind my back. I just don’t eat in their house.

They don’t seem to like that I stick to my principles instead of just going with what’s popular. I never changed my name when I got married (again, just not comfortable with the history of it), but his sister seemed to take this as a personal attack and thinks my reasons for not doing are “stupid”

I have these principles cos I try to be a good person. I believe animals should be treated right, I believe men and women are equal, I believe that I shouldn’t get married in a church if I don’t believe in god.

But it seems the more I try to be a good person, the more my husbands family dislike me.

I know its easy to say “just ignore them” but I can’t. Not when they live around the corner and I’ve to see them constantly.

I just find it so upsetting all the time, to be the person who is bitched about, just because I have some principles and try to live like a good person.

Raminahobbin

I'm the same as you with a lot of this OP, I don't buy anything that's been tested on animals and would never attend greyhound or horse racing for similar reasons. I'm also a veggie. It has definitely caused friction for me in the past too.

I understand it's upsetting, but as long as you're not shoving it down their throats or mentioning it every time you see them, then they're the ones with the problem and, frankly, you're just going to have to suck it up. Sticking to principals, whatever they are, is always going to attract attention. You're not going to convince them, and if you're not *trying* to convince them, then you just have to accept that.

What I find works best is to always have a positive ready for your negative and don't put yourself in situations where friction might occur. NEVER shop for makeup with people who might have an issue with your choices, it's always going to end in disaster. Do it by yourself or with a friend. Don't go shoe shopping either if you're trying to avoid leather with anyone but a friend. Don't want to go to the races for a bday? Meet them beforehand or after with a giant cake and a card, or take the bday girl for lunch instead and say you have to babysit etc. You're the awkward vegetarian coming for dinner? Bring your own food to throw in the oven.

This is something you're just going to have to deal with, and there's no getting away from the fact that people are going to think you're awkward. I get it all the time too. I just always try to turn it into a positive, so I know people say "God, that Ramina one, she's one of those animal rights hippy eejits, but you know she's actually really kind and thoughtful and she doesn't try to convert us or talk about it all the time so I suppose it evens out." I have found that works best for me.

You should be able to apply the same logic to your other issues, and just try find a common ground with them and avoid discussing topics of friction.

LegacyUser

People hate when others intentionally or not make them feel bad about themselves and they think that you (Whether you do or not) think you are better than them. If you're always, subtly or not, doing and saying things that make you a better person in your eyes than them then they will pick up on the vibe and know in a way that you look down on them. People don't want to be judged to be worse, less ethical, less healthy, and less conscientious than you.
So get around this you need to have a total sense of humour about the whole thing. It's what I do if any issue arises, I totally mock myself and don't take myself too seriously. I obviously have my values and strong principles but I would never want to go on about them to anyone else except my OH and people on the same wave length, otherwise you will annoy them. This may not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth of human psychology. And yes his family do sound ignorant and making it very difficult for you. But you're going to have to change the way you are because you can't change them, and you are going to have to be around them. Just be self deprecating/have good humour about your differences and they can't slag you, or if you can avoid any of the areas you know will cause that reaction.

silverharp

I could see how you might come off as sanctimonious (whether you are or not is irrelevant) . Regarding the family name ,if his family know you havnt taken his name "because of the history of it" they are entitled to see that as an insult. Or take for instance that example of the not going to the party because it was at a dog track, I think you made a wrong call there, being sociable with your family is more important and not going didn't change anything. You seem to have set yourself a bunch of arbitrary rules to follow which are very peripheral to being a "good person" as you see it and its getting in the way of your relationships.
As for being a vegetarian , in itself that is fine but if that's now the 20th thing on your list of do's and don't you will have another "roll eyes" moment if it ever comes up.
Not sure what you should do to win them over, maybe introduce some self deprecating humour for example if you end up in a meal situation. Everyone makes compromises, whether its non religious people going to family religious events or a myriad of other things.

Big Bag of Chips

First question, why were you in Boots with his two sisters?! You have nothing in common with them and it sounds like if you weren't married to their brother then you wouldn't be friends or in the same social circle. So you don't have to be friends with them just because you're married to their brother.

You stress that you just try to "live like a good person" implying that because they have different ideas to you that they don't try to live like a good person! You feel they judge you for your choices, yet you seem to judge them for their choices. You're two sides of the same coin, and you're never going to see eye to eye. So stop trying. You can see them daily without being friends with them. Both sides are just tolerating each other for the sake of a quiet life, so just tolerate each other from a bit of a distance.

If you are going to turn down family events then of course people are going to comment. They are unlikely to organise their family events around your preferences. You are entitled not to go, of course, but you also should be aware that some people will have an opinion! People Love having opinions!!

Just be polite, make your excuses for things you don't want to attend and don't go shopping with them. You'd be happier if you didn't go, and they would be too!

MeatTwoVeg

Basically you've 2 choices.
You either relax your principles or you toughen up a bit.

You can't control how 'eye-rolly' people will view your choices, you can only control the degree to which this upsets you.

c montgomery

What's wrong with greyhound racing?

All pharmaceuticals are tested on animals by the way.

If you create distance between u and his family that void will be filled with resentment and mistrust.

Teyla Emmagan

I know lots of people who are massively anti greyhound racing, I would totally support you for not darkening the door of a race track if you didn't want to.

For the rest if it, you might want to toughen up. And you do seem to think your version of being a "good" person is the only version. The in laws may be very good people too, just not in ways that matter to you.

It's fine to have principles and to stick up for them but you will have to accept other people might not share them.

And you don't have to hang out with them you know.

LegacyUser

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I know lots of people who are massively anti greyhound racing, I would totally support you for not darkening the door of a race track if you didn't want to.

For the rest if it, you might want to toughen up. And you do seem to think your version of being a "good" person is the only version. The in laws may be very good people too, just not in ways that matter to you.

It's fine to have principles and to stick up for them but you will have to accept other people might not share them.

And you don't have to hang out with them you know.

Sorry just to clarify some things that yourself and a few posters have said.

When I say I try to do these things to be good, I don't mean I think it's the only way to be a good person or that my in-laws are bad.

All I mean is that these decisions come from a good place, but my in laws treat me like I'm the weirdest freak in the world and that I'm an awful person for not sharing their views.

I totally accept other people won't share my views, but I'm not the problem in this, it's my in-laws.

For the record my own family don't share my views, and it's never, ever been an issue because we respect each other. But my in-laws don't respect me.

Unfortunately I do have to see them, alot. There's no escaping that.

I just wish they didn't constantly belittle me because I'm slightly different. It feels like mean girls

ChannelNo5

c montgomery wrote: »

What's wrong with greyhound racing?

All pharmaceuticals are tested on animals by the way.

If you create distance between u and his family that void will be filled with resentment and mistrust.

There's nothing wrong with greyhound racing or buying products tested on animals..... FOR YOU! There is for her and she shouldn't have to go anywhere or buy anything that she is not comfortable with.

OP You don't have to be sanctimonious about what you believe, just tell people calmly that you'd rather not buy that product or go greyhound racing because you believe its not right. Getting the balance between sounding preachy and just making a statement can be tricky though.

MeatTwoVeg

ChannelNo5 wrote:

There's nothing wrong with greyhound racing or buying products tested on animals..... FOR YOU! There is for her and she shouldn't have to go anywhere or buy anything that she is not comfortable with.

You see that's the kind of bad advice you get in these parts.
Sometimes, for the sake of harmonious in-law relationships, you do need to put yourself out a bit.
I wouldn't have agreed with my FIL on pretty much anything, but he was a very important person for my wife, so I had to bite my tongue and make nice. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, but hey, life isn't about being comfortable all the time.

IvoryTower

Just ignore them

Really

They live around the corner, that doesn't mean you have to go shopping with them. They don't sound very nice or willing to understand that someone might have a different opinion than them. You'll obviously see them sometimes but try and limit it to as little as possible.

njs030

c montgomery wrote: »

What's wrong with greyhound racing?

All pharmaceuticals are tested on animals by the way.

If you create distance between u and his family that void will be filled with resentment and mistrust.

No they aren't "by the way" cosmetic testing on animals is banned in the eu. Many cosmetic brands are cruelty free.

Some parent companies do trade in places like China where the law is that they have to allow third party animal testing so aren't worldwide cruelty free.


Op you're right to stand by your principles but if you don't like these people why are you spending time with them? Just say you're busy and pop in with a card another time. Go shopping with a friend as someone else suggested.

bee06

I assume you didn't mean it this was but this statement is quite condescending and sounds like you are saying anyone who doesn't have the below principles is a bad person.

YumYumPorridgeOats wrote: »

I have these principles cos I try to be a good person. I believe animals should be treated right, I believe men and women are equal, I believe that I shouldn’t get married in a church if I don’t believe in god.

But it seems the more I try to be a good person, the more my husbands family dislike me.

I know its easy to say “just ignore them” but I can’t. Not when they live around the corner and I’ve to see them constantly.

I just find it so upsetting all the time, to be the person who is bitched about, just because I have some principles and try to live like a good person.

You say you have to see them constantly but do you really? Are you forced to go shopping with them? Just because you married into their family doesn't mean you have to be best friends and live in each other's pockets. I live next door to my sister (who I actually like) and we don't see each other constantly.

witchgirl26

OP as others have said, they are your in-laws, they don't have to be your friends. I love my in-laws but I wouldn't say I'm friends with most of them and generally wouldn't be out shopping with them. Especially if there was already form for treating me a bit crappy.

I know you say you haven't told them that your a vegetarian and don't eat in their house because of that - could they potentially be seeing it from the other side of you not wanting to eat in their house and being insulted by that? If they don't know that it's because your vegetarian, they won't necessarily understand why your doing it? And if they're not seeing their sibling at meals because of it, anger could be misplaced at you. I think a little bit of honesty on your side from this aspect as to why might help the situation.

They are probably trying to be good people too but their view is just different to you and sometimes people do have difficulty seeing others points of view when they differ a lot. My sister-in-law is very religious. I am not. I do find it hard to relate to her at times so we keep things very light on conversation and that helps. I don't think she's not a good person because she is different to me. And I know she's looked down on me a little for living with my partner before marriage etc but I don't let that affect me. That's her issue, not mine.

In terms of your beliefs - if you want them to respect yours, then you have to respect that they do think differently. And whether you mean it or not, you may come off a bit defensive.

Just on the greyhound thing. I would question the whole piece about them being sent off for meat after the dogs are retired. My cousin was a trainer for greyhounds and loved the ones he looked after to bits. He adopted about 4 of them at one point when their racing days were over and I know from him that trainers often would keep them as pets after or help rehome them. I'm not getting into whether the sport is cruel or not (we all have our own opinions on that) but just thought I'd give you a perspective on that piece.

biZrb

OP, I have the same principles as you; I don't like buying from companies that test on animals, I'm veggie, I wouldn't ever go watch greyhound racing and won't change my surname if I get married.
They are principles that work for you, no-one should try and change them, or make remarks that they are stupid. They work for you and your beliefs. As for your sister in laws, just do your best to ignore them I know that might be difficult but remember you are a good, kind person - that is what matters.

LegacyUser

OP, I am similar to you. I am a vegetarian, buy cruelty free and don't do greyhound racing.

All of these things have come up with the in laws. In the case of makeup, instead of telling them no because they test on animals, just say that brand doesn't suit you/ you aren't a fan...I can guarantee that everyone can relate.

The greyhound racing has never been an issue. I will always collect them, meet them after or make alternative arrangements. I just say that I can't make it cos of work/ prior commitments. Cos I make the effort, nobody minds at all.

Being vegetarian was strange to them but if I get invited to dinner, I always go and eat the veg or bring something for myself if they are having stew, etc. They don't have to go out of their way, so again, they don't see negatives.

They know that I only buy cruelty free but they don't know what brands are cruelty free cos I don't talk about it. With the greyhound racing, they know that I am not a fan but I never talk to them about it. I ask how they enjoyed it and what they won. For the record, not all dogs are treated badly.

I think that you are coming across as superior and condescending, which is why you are getting their backs up.

freshpopcorn

The one thing I'd say is having your own beliefs/principles is fine but they don't make you a better person than somebody who goes greyhound racing/eats meat. If this came across to people I think it could rub them up the wrong way.
I'd find it odd if they haven't picked up on the fact your a vegaterian by now.

meeeeh

Op, I can't decide if you are a bit too precious or they are really annoying. I find it weird that after being married to their son and living near them they still don't know you are a vegetarian. Do you never go out for a meal or go over for a meal?

I know people who can be very dismissive about choices of others and very rude about it. But at the same time no one will respect you if you are not assertive around others. You don't need to do a song and dance about it but be clear. If they ask you to have some food just say you don't eat meat. They might roll their eyes but most people will try to accommodate you next time. Now they just think their food is not good enough for you or that you don't want to eat with them. Passing on food is also passing on social occasions and I would find it insulting if someone would refuse food every time with the same excuse.

I find the sister's reaction to your reply a bit rude but it depends how accommodating she was trying to be. Maybe saying "oh, sorry, I forgot to mention I don't buy this brand" would be better received. It's a bit more cordial. Personally I prefer shopping on my own and I get on great with my inlaws.

Then again you could be dealing with one of those very opinionated families who think their way of life is the only right way of life and can't accept anyone who is a bit different. In that casr you are screwed I am afraid.

strandroad

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Just on the greyhound thing. I would question the whole piece about them being sent off for meat after the dogs are retired. My cousin was a trainer for greyhounds and loved the ones he looked after to bits. He adopted about 4 of them at one point when their racing days were over and I know from him that trainers often would keep them as pets after or help rehome them. I'm not getting into whether the sport is cruel or not (we all have our own opinions on that) but just thought I'd give you a perspective on that piece.

I don't want to derail the thread but here are some useful numbers and it's not good - the OP has strong grounds to refuse to support this industry. (Stats do not cover PTS by owners, by far the most popular means of disposal at around 4 years of age when greyhounds slow down).
http://grai.ie/greyhound-numbers/

strandroad

OP they way you describe it you sound like a fairly meek person, and it's only when something clashes with your principles you speak up... they then see it as weird as they are not used to debating anything with you.
You can step back from seeing them as much, or you can become more assertive in other things to balance it out.
Personally I would accept a dinner invite once and show up with a great veggie dish to share, and explain (briefly) why you care so that they can see that your views are all consistent and really quite simple, and not some random protests they probably see them as. Do you have any overlap there to help them get you? Do they have a rescue dog etc?

amtc

Something similar... My aunt is so anti animal testing of drugs..goes on protests..yet when I pointed out that the very drugs that keep her mother and my grandmother alive were tested on them.. She cares for her. She hadn't a leg to stand on as she gives the same drugs to my Nana every day.

On the other hand you shouldn't have to hide what you believe in. A good friend of mine is vegan as she worked in a chicken factory.

Your argument sounds a bit sanctimonious. Just let it go. And you don't have to be Bessie mates with in laws!

witchgirl26

mhge wrote: »

I don't want to derail the thread but here are some useful numbers and it's not good - the OP has strong grounds to refuse to support this industry. (Stats do not cover PTS by owners, by far the most popular means of disposal at around 4 years of age when greyhounds slow down).
http://grai.ie/greyhound-numbers/

That really is interesting - and like I said, mine was just anecdotal in nature. I also wouldn't comment on anyone's decision to support or not support something like that like I said. It's up to each individual.