Can anyone understand how I feel or am I turning in to a monster?

LegacyUser

My brother and his fiance are expecting a baby, literally any minute now. One would think that is great considering our mother is terminally ill yes? But I feel so angry, jealous and utterly devastated. This is because I had a termination when I was 18 and subsequently had a miscarriage since. I now see (what feels like) every girl my age around me either getting engaged moving in with bfs or pregnant while I am in a relationship with unrequited love. I am jealous and angry because my brother can have this moment with my mother before she passes and I will NEVER get that. Ever. I feel selfish to be going on like this but I really cant help it. Is this normal in anyway or am I loosing the plot?

Merkin

Why on earth are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you? A bright, positive future is possible but not while you're wasting your life with someone who doesn't actually love you like you deserve.

LegacyUser

I can totally understand that as your mum is so ill, you know you will not have this time with her, but you are really not doing yourself any favours by staying in a situation where your love is unrequited, as Merkin has said. Perhaps you are not just angry at your brother, but angry with yourself for all things past. To be honest, you sound as if you need some time alone, away from your partner, and to divert some more time to spend with your mother since she is so ill. You need to totally review your current situation, and I think professional advice is what you need. It is a difficult situation, but if you continue like this you will ultimately resent everyone around you and drive yourself to bitterness. You need to let some things go in order to progress, and I think you realise that.
Best of luck.

9or10

OP we're all selfish from time to time - really.

Having a close relative terminally ill is pretty much as tough as it gets - it reeks havoc with your emotions. So just give yourself a pass and don't beat yourself up.

Hug your mum.

Rubberchikken

you've gone through a lot and you're mum terminally ill is really tough. i'm so sorry.
it's natural to feel jealous and angry and any other emotion. you're human, you're not a monster.

try to see past all these negative feelings and try to spend whatever time your mother has left as positively as possible in the circumstances.
take care

mapaca

You're not a monster, you're a person going through a very difficult time and experiencing a snowstorm of emotions. Your anger and grief is understandable. Please confide in someone close, a friend or family member, talking it out will help you see things more clearly and feel less overwhelmed by it all. And spend some time with your mum. Don't beat yourself up.

antix80

Op, i think your bitterness stems from regrets of that choice you made when you were 18.

Now you're presented with 2 more choices. To comfort your mother at the end of her life. And to welcome a new niece or nephew into the world. These are natural parts of life, one sad, and one happy but which will no doubt be tinged with sadness. Try to keep bitterness out of it for your mother's sake.

silverbolt

when you say "I am in a relationship with unrequited love" do you mean, you love someone who doesnt love you back and youre not with or with someone who doesnt love you?

If its the former, yeah thats very easy to become bitter.

witchgirl26

OP - you are not a monster at all. Don't think that. I had the same feelings when my dad passed and I was annoyed that my brothers had been able to have him at their weddings but he'd never be at mine. Full on anger about things like that and also random things.

Honestly my advice is to go to a counselor about this. It sounds like you have some issues about both the termination and the miscarriage that are maybe being amplified by the current situation but were there to begin with.

If you are in a relationship with someone who you love but who doesn't love you then as tough as it is, you need to get out of that. It will eat you up. If it's that you are in love with someone and they don't know - maybe tell them. It might not work out but hey at least you tried and can maybe move on then. I know saying it is easier than doing it but you are worth more than staying in either of those situations.

I agree with the others - hug your mam and kiss your new niece or nephew too. And hug your brother - he's possibly feeling similar to you but just about different things. You can be a support for each other. It's not the same as your own but until that could maybe happen, nieces and nephews are amazing x

Clea

Please do not be jealous on your own brother., for whichever "reason". Be happy for him and for you will become aunt. It is such a wonderful role to cherish in life.
Thing is you made choices that you regret but know that you cannot change them now, nothing to do about it. So let it go. Embrace life as is. Be open to the future and try to make sure that your present choices will shape it the way you will want it to.
All you can do is to do your best from now on.

Hugs.

LegacyUser

thank you all for taking the time to reply. Just to clear the "bf doesnt love me" comment up.. he hasnt said he doesnt i just feel he doesnt but i dont know if that is my insecurity or not.
I am finding it very difficult and feel angry and sharp with people a lot of the time.. everything annoys me, sometimes i just want to read a book and turn off my phone for a few hours. I am seeing a counsellor but i think these feelings wont be cured with a counselor alone so may speak to my GP. I dont feel like such a wicked witch now though so cheers guys:)

santana75

guest123321 wrote: »

thank you all for taking the time to reply. Just to clear the "bf doesnt love me" comment up.. he hasnt said he doesnt i just feel he doesnt but i dont know if that is my insecurity or not.
I am finding it very difficult and feel angry and sharp with people a lot of the time.. everything annoys me, sometimes i just want to read a book and turn off my phone for a few hours. I am seeing a counsellor but i think these feelings wont be cured with a counselor alone so may speak to my GP. I dont feel like such a wicked witch now though so cheers guys:)

But thats the thing, you'e trying to cure these feelings or make them go away. You're judging them for even being there. That means you have an antagonistic relationship to how you are feeling and when thats the case those emotions will just persist, they wont go anywhere. The answer is to turn and embrace them, not judge them, not try to get rid of them, and certainly not find a "cure". This is your shadow side and it has just as much a right to be in your life as all the other emotions and experiences you have. Embrace this feeling, invite it into you, dont resist it. Show that feeling kindness and acceptance and I promise you'll have the answer to the problem. The paradox is that when you accept and invite those feelings in its only then that they will be processed and will leave you.

cbyrd

guest123321 wrote:

thank you all for taking the time to reply. Just to clear the "bf doesnt love me" comment up.. he hasnt said he doesnt i just feel he doesnt but i dont know if that is my insecurity or not. I am finding it very difficult and feel angry and sharp with people a lot of the time.. everything annoys me, sometimes i just want to read a book and turn off my phone for a few hours. I am seeing a counsellor but i think these feelings wont be cured with a counselor alone so may speak to my GP. I dont feel like such a wicked witch now though so cheers guys

You sound like you are grieving. Either the loss of your babies or your mother or both.
You've every right to feel angry, but not with your brother. Embrace the fact that in the near future this will be the baby in your life, your niece or nephew. Try and enjoy whatever little time your mother has left, you'll be glad later.
Be kind to yourself.