Has he checked out?

Prophecy_girl

So I've been with my boyfriend for a few years and he's always been a little emotionally closed off but because I was so mad about him I stuck with it and after a while I felt like I'd broken some walls down and we became really close and happy together. However, we had a fight a while ago and since then I feel like something has shifted. He says everything is ok but I just feel like he's closing up again. He doesn't do little things he used to and never says he loves me anymore. I'm doing my best to get things back to how they were but to be honest, now I just feel alone and like I'm forcing him to do and say things he doesn't really want. Perhaps I'm over thinking things but I can't seem to shake the feeling he's checking out of the relationship and I really don't know what to do about it anymore.

racso1975

Have you asked him? And I mean directly? Asking is everything OK is a bit generic? Tell him how you are feeling and what your concerns are and see how he responds.

Xterminator

some people have walls. (and walls behind those walls).

you couldn't be sure he is checking out of relationship - he may just be slipping back into default mode.

i agree with the above poster than you sit down and calmly discuss.

Explain in terms of "i feel like this', and 'this makes me worry' , as opposed to statements like 'you always do this' etc. his response should give you a good idea if this relationship has a future - & if its one that you want to be around to experience.

leggo

I talk quite a lot with a friend of mine about communication in a relationship with a person who sounds quite like your partner, their communication is horrible and causes a lot of tension where there is none. One thing I always end up saying is, "You have to make it safe for him to say how he feels."

In other words, instead of making the conversation about how you feel and how this is affecting you, focus on him and try your best not to react or overreact to what he's saying. If you go in saying, "I feel alone/like you've checked out", he's going to get on the defensive immediately and close up, because that's his coping mechanism.

Think of it like training a dog: to get them to do what you want, they have to feel rewarded for doing so.

He needs to feel like the ultimate goal of communicating openly with you will make his life better. Otherwise, why bother when his way is so much easier?

It's not fair, I know. You shouldn't be left in limbo here and should be able to say how you feel and get an open dialogue back, trust me I've been there myself and there's nothing worse. But this is how he is, it's likely how he's always been and it's difficult to change because it's likely all he knows on how to cope with tough situations, so it's the situation you're dealing with.

So think of the bigger picture here and don't go in all guns blazing. Focus on the goal - getting answers, building up your communication skills as a partnership and being able to move forward in your life - instead of unloading and you may get what you want to hear. But be warned, it almost definitely won't happen overnight so this will be a protracted process, whatever happens.