Made a huge mistake

tiefunny

They say you regret things in life but I've just made one huge mistake. I was engaged in the past for a couple of years, but jointly decided to split a couple of months before our wedding two and a half years ago. It was a difficult decision for us but we both agreed it was the right thing to do. I lost a considerable amount of money on it at the time as it was so close to the wedding but I have no regrets looking back at it now. At the time it made it all the more difficult as I'm a person in my mid 30's and all of my circle of friends are happily married with kids, and it's a position I would like to see myself in at some stage.

Fast forward a year and whilst getting back on my feet and enjoying life I randomly bumped into a girl at work that I had never previously met. We were both on a work assignment abroad along with some others in the company. We hit it off straight away, as in at dinner that evening we simply chatted the night away, almost oblivious to our other colleagues. I have never had that feeling before where you don't care about whats going on around you as you simply in a moment with someone.

Over the course of the next month we ended up meeting a few times and we got on just as well as the first time we met. I was smitten I have to be honest and I felt it was reciprocated by her. The only issue I had was she was new to the company and as such was younger than me, as in mid 20's. I was quite shocked when I realised that she was so young as she was/is very mature and very well educated. We have so much in common.

As she was new and ambitious she moved company a few months later to the UK where she now lives but regularly comes home. I travelled over to her a couple of times and we went away together over here a number of times for weekend breaks.

Everything was going great until I stupidly got cold feet in my own mind. The age difference, whilst never being a real issue in any sense was physiological one for me. I started to distance myself from her, as I was trying to convince myself that it would never work in the long term. I ended up treating her very badly as I never committed to her despite her wanting me to.

I made a mental decision to pretty much break contact with her, but have always thought about her every single day, even playing the field a little again, but never feeling anything that I would like to build on with anyone I met as I had with her.

She has now recently started seeing someone new. She messaged to congratulate me about a recent promotion and we got chatting again. She told me about the new guy, as in it's very new and she wants to see where it goes. She told me I broke her heart and that she had fallen for me but it has taken her a while to get over things. I told her I treated her so bad but that I regret it so much. I loved and do love her but have never had the maturity or balls to tell her. I totally clicked with her but I got scared of committing. I regret it every single day. I told her for the first time during our conversation that I loved her. I also said that I wouldn't be in touch again as it would be disrespectful to both herself and her new guy if I did. I had to tell her how I felt though.

My stomach is sick from the regret I have, and I made a huge mistake. I was afraid to commit, I had a stupid phycological age barrier in my head, but I also wanted to protect my former fiance and not rub her face in it as such by showing her that I had moved on. I felt some responsibly towards her.

Now I'm left with the biggest regret I feel I have ever made and have no idea what to do about it.

Rekop dog

I'm not buying it to be honest. You acted very peculiar towards her for someone who apparently loved her. People do not behave like that if they really care for someone. Seems like her moving on triggered jealousy and dented your ego so you've now tried to further mess with her head. Leave the girl alone and go get help for whatever emotional issues you have.

tiefunny

Rekop dog wrote: »

I'm not buying it to be honest. You acted very peculiar towards her for someone who apparently loved her. People do not behave like that if they really care for someone. Seems like her moving on triggered jealousy and dented your ego so you've now tried to further mess with her head. Leave the girl alone and go get help for whatever emotional issues you have.

Perhaps, I see it differently but thanks for your input.

Hopeless romantic2016

Rekop dog wrote: »

I'm not buying it to be honest. You acted very peculiar towards her for someone who apparently loved her. People do not behave like that if they really care for someone. Seems like her moving on triggered jealousy and dented your ego so you've now tried to further mess with her head. Leave the girl alone and go get help for whatever emotional issues you have.

Rekop you seem very honest! Would you mind giving me some advice on my thread ^honest impartial advice^

To the heart broken guy.... there's nothing you can do now I'm afraid but wait .... You've made your feelings known so it's time to wait it out and see what she does..

If you really love her give her time

racso1975

You had broken up over a year with your ex fiance. I think that's a weak enough excuse to use.

Bottom line is you told her. Nothing else you can do. What you need to decide is how long are you willing to wait and see if she comes back before you move on?

Chocolate fiend

I think you have been very unfair to her. She has moved on and is seeing someone new. You could have said sorry for how you treated her without the mindfcuk that is you saying you loved her.

Move on and let her do the same.

batmanrobin

I'd have to agree with the others; you shouldn't have told her you love her. The whole not wanting to rub it in your ex's face is a poor excuse. Do you maybe have commitment issues?

As an aside, we seem to live in a world now where it's all about doing what you want and saying what you want with little regard to how our actions and words might impact another. Some might say you were right to seize the day and tell her how you felt, but I think it was selfish. You told her for all the wrong reasons. You told her because you hoped she'd say it back. Did you stop to think that maybe she didn't need to hear those words? Didn't need you messing with her head? It's funny, but when we truly, honestly care for someone we put their feelings above our own. Perhaps if you truly cared for this woman you would have just wished her well and left it there. I'd say now you really do need to leave it there. Move on and let her move on with her life.

Big Bag of Chips

You were really unfair to her. She's not a mind reader. She had no idea what you were thinking, just that one day everything was going along nicely and suddenly you had stopped all contact and dumped her with no explanation or reason. Your ex fiancee is a weak excuse, but I understand that it might have been valid for you at the time.

Yes, you made a mistake. You now realise your mistake, but ..... Tough!

You don't get to come and go as you please and have people waiting around for you to decide. You thought of this woman often, but not enough to get back in touch with her and apologise for being an arse. It was only when you found out she was with someone else you decided to tell her you loved her. You should have kept that to yourself. You played a game and you lost. You can't have expected her to wait for you to decide whether or not you ever wanted to commit to her. She knew nothing about you or what you were thinking. Lesson learned.

She might be the one that got away for you, but maybe for her you were the one she had a lucky escape from. You're a good bit older than her, but a good deal less mature. I'd say for now she's thinking "fk him, not wanting me, but not wanting anyone else to have me either".

Leave her alone now. And next time you meet someone you think you might really like, don't run away from it

tara73

rekop post is a bit harsh in words but I think it's worth thinking about it OP.

Something is not sitting right with you. You broke up with your fiance when the marriage was just around the corner, now you did something similar with this girl, just that it wasn't the marriage stage but also a commitment stage. And telling her now, when she started seeing someone else you love her is really a nasty thing to do OP. A mindf*** for her like one other poster rightly named it.

You obviously have commitment issues and I would presume they won't leave you until you work on them. Go and see a good counsellor, this commitment stuff is very common, there should be loads of professionals who have experience with it.

BetsyEllen

I'm quite surprised, I see it all very differently from others!

We all make mistakes. The OP was scared for whatever reason of the commitment, probably because it had all gone wrong before in his last committed relationship and he hadn't felt such strong feelings for someone in a long time.

I think it's good he told the girl how he felt and apologised for his behaviour.

The OP has realised his mistake and tried to somehow make amends; I applaud that instead of berating him.

He may have lost her, he may have not.
Either way, he has given some closure on the situation by explaining that it wasn't her fault and was him being silly.
She can move on (or come back) knowing it was nothing she had done and this may make her feel better.

tiefunny

Thank you BetsyEllen, it can be easy for people to judge. As someone questioned above my commitment and breaking off an engagement so close to a wedding. It was done with great soul searching as the relationship wasn't right. I was in a relationship where I felt I was being controlled and was losing my identity. It took a lot to break myself free from that.

I have realised I made a mistake in my current situation. She contacted me, not the other way around. There is no way I would put that type of pressure upon someone just as she is seeing someone new. I didn't know she was seeing someone prior to her contacting me.

What I did do though is tell her how I felt, and more importantly to tell her that it wasn't anything that she had done. I think that's fair. It was also an opportunity to tell her how I feel. If I didn't, I would always regret it. I also said to her as I have above that I won't contact her as it wouldn't be fair on either her or the new person she is seeing. I don't see how I could be considered selfish.

Yellow pack crisps

Just learn from it. That's all you can do. I was in your situation and I gave up a beautiful girl whom I loved because I was scared of the reactions of my sons mother. It's too late for me and too late for you maybe so just know next time. Fear is really awful sometimes and it can dictate stupid decisions that we later regret.

Let her go, that's what I did. The people we love and who love us deserve all of us and not half of us.

eviltwin

There is nothing to do beyond trying to learn from the experience and moving on from it. She's moved on and is in a new relationship so it would be inappropriate to try and get her back. It's a tough one but you've learned a very valuable lesson here.

orthsquel

I don't think there's anything you can do, really, except move on. And make sure that you have resolved commitment and age issues, not just in relation to this person, but future relationships. I think you can learn massively from this in being aware of those issues and resolving them before they become a problem in a potential relationship where you potentially can make the same mistake again. Helping yourself resolve those issues completely is really where your focus ought to be now, so you aren't repeating the same pattern.

tbh though I wouldn't hold out on hope that there's a chance with her again. She might not want to risk being hurt again and tbh she'd also be right not to give you a second chance to do just that.

I think regardless of your ex fiance - you have to live your life too. At some point you both have to move on. You can't protect them from you moving on unless you want to stay single indefinitely until they have met someone else. It's easy to use it as a means to justify a decision, but it should not be part of a decision making process anymore.

beks101

I think you used the age thing as a get-out-of-jail free card as you simply weren't willing to commit to her. It wasn't time, it wasn't right but you liked her a lot so had to create some tangible reason in your own head. Mid-20s to mid-30s female to male is common enough to not really be considered much of an age gap at all these days.

I guess you need to ask yourself why you freaked out as you did when being in a relationship became a very real prospect again. Was it the broken engagement and not being entirely over the trauma of that? Or something else?

Figuring this out is pretty important as otherwise it leaves you at risk of this hot-and-cold words-not-matching-actions behaviour again next time you meet someone you like. Most self-respecting women won't have time for this. If it were me, I'd have dismissed you as a headwrecking time-waster when you suddenly disappeared when things were going great and your sudden L-word bomb when I'd clearly moved on with someone new would just confirm that to me.

tara73

tiefunny wrote: »

Thank you BetsyEllen, it can be easy for people to judge.

the big majority of people who come here, reading your OP, thinking about your problem, taking the time to reply, do this to help you. labeling them 'to judge you' is not perceived well from anybody here...
you came here asking for advice, told your story and your behaviour, based on that people give their opinion and advice. Obviously if you don't like what you read, it's judgmental for you. Sorry, but that's not a mature attitude.

As for you saying you told her you love her, before you knew she had a new boyfriend , this from your Opening post, (for some reason I can't multiquote):

She has now recently started seeing someone new. She messaged to congratulate me about a recent promotion and we got chatting again. She told me about the new guy, as in it's very new and she wants to see where it goes. She told me I broke her heart and that she had fallen for me but it has taken her a while to get over things. I told her I treated her so bad but that I regret it so much. I loved and do love her but have never had the maturity or balls to tell her. I totally clicked with her but I got scared of committing. I regret it every single day. I told her for the first time during our conversation that I loved her. I also said that I wouldn't be in touch again as it would be disrespectful to both herself and her new guy if I did. I had to tell her how I felt though.

In your own description it doesn't sound like you told her before you knew she had a new boyfriend that you love her!

anyway, I don't really know what you expect from this thread. The situation is as it is, you think everything is ok with you, so if you love her as much as you claim, you can only wait and hope she's coming back to you and you then treating her like she earns it, i.e committing fully to her.

Big Bag of Chips

I do think it's telling that the only reply you liked was the one telling you you were right!

I'm putting myself in the woman's shoes and thinking how I'd feel after falling heavily for you, having, what I thought, were mutual feelings, enjoying our time together and then suddenly having you go awol. Nothing. Wondering what happened. What I'd done. Why you suddenly upped a left. Wondering maybe was there someone else. Back with the fiancée? Married? And then, just as I'm getting over you and moving on with someone I could see myself being happy with, you tell me that you love me and always have.

I'd be inclined to think "well why the fk are you telling me now". I'd think you were telling me because it was 'safe' to tell me now. Because I'm with someone else and not likely to ask you to commit to a relationship with me. I'd probably be pleased and pissed off in equal measure, and as time wore on the pleased feeling would be taken over by the pissed off feeling of "how dare he land this on me now, from a distance, where he doesn't have to follow it up, but leaves me with my head spinning".

I don't think it was the right or honourable thing to do. I think it was a cowardly thing to do. And I'd say even if this woman felt you were the one and only true love of her life she'd learn to live without you, because living with you would always carry the threat of you disappearing again.

Again, this is from my perspective, and how I'd feel in similar circumstances. Sort yourself out and stop involving others in your mind games. This isn't a romantic film where you burst into the wedding just before the "I do" and she runs away with you. It's real life, with real people and real emotions you are messing with. You might feel better for having told her. I'll guess she'd rather you didn't.

Edit: If she were to post a similar story asking for advice the overwhelming response would be to stay away from you. That she's happy now with someone else and she could never trust you to stay the distance. Actions speak louder than words etc etc.

LOLA08

It is not clear if you actually had a full on relationship with this girl.
how long were you a couple for?

Estrellita

Tie funny, do you think it's likely you are sabotaging anything that looks like its getting serious? You don't mind the whirlwind romance, but when the talk of the future starts you flake out?

As pointed out by BBOC, you only like the replies you want to hear. You did ask for advice, it is a pointless exercise is you are being too defensive to take it.

Now, just out of curiosity...

tiefunny wrote: »

I was engaged in the past for a couple of years, but jointly decided to split a couple of months before our wedding two and a half years ago. It was a difficult decision for us but we both agreed it was the right thing to do.

This is your account of it, would your ex-fiancee agree with you entirely? I don't expect you to answer that, btw. But if you think this has even a sniff of the same problem, you are going to find this problem will keep repeating itself, and you have to deal with it.

Regarding the most recent lady, please leave her alone. She could have a chance of happiness after you treated her so cruelly. You have no right to interfere with that. Let's face it, you didn't just come to the realisation you made a big mistake. You treated her like crap, and now you are jealous.

I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I'm not going to blow smoke up your a.rse. Your commitment issues are not her problem. You need to look at why you sabotaged, and move on.

Big Bag of Chips

I just wonder why you felt the need to tell her you love her. You'd kept it to yourself all this time. Why not continue to keep it to yourself? Or why not contact her at any stage over the past number of months and tell her? You had plenty of opportunity. It's not like you forgot she existed. You thought about her every day, after all. Or did you just realise in that moment when she was no longer available to you that you loved her?

And why the need to pointedly tell her you would never contact her again. You weren't contacting her anyway!

It's all coming across as just a little bit attention seeking. Maybe on some level you were hoping she'd chase you? Convince you to give it another go? If anything, you should have been the one chasing her, and asking her to give you another chance. But as you say, you made a huge mistake. Now all you can do is regret it, and maybe move on a bit wiser.

Airyfairy12

I just hope this new guy treats her better, you dont get to pick an choose when you want someone, you gave no consideration for her feelings and youre still only thinking about yourself. You sound incredibly selfish. You only want her now that she's moved on. Grow up.