Morbid thoughts

sullivlo

I'm not sure if this is the right place so mods forgive me and feel free to move/slap me on the wrists.

Recently I noticed that I am becoming more and more occupied by morbid thoughts. I live in the family home (no judgement please, it's by choice for various reasons). I live with my family, including my gran and her sister, who are 79 and 80.

The 80 year old has many health issues, and was recently diagnosed with dementia. Her diabetes isn't controlled because she forgets to eat, or forgets that she has eaten and then has three dinners or 4 cornettos. We've had incidents of her blood sugars being dangerously high and her being on the brink of a diabetic coma.

Seeing her deterioration is hard. Knocking on her door I always wonder if today is the day that she does actually die. And I question if she has led a happy life. It makes me sad.

I'm having similar thoughts with my gran but she's an entirely different kettle of fish. She climbed all the stairs of the sacre coeur last year. She's fully functional and fit and healthy, but I'm noticing a decline in her. Nothing serious. Just a slowing down. Kinda odd - a sense that she's not long for the world and that I should cherish the time.

She bought a 9 month supply of vitamins she takes for an eye problem (AMD) last week, and I caught myself thinking whether she will still be here in 9 months time to take them and would it be false economy.

My aunt died last year at 53 from cancer so maybe it stems from that.

What prompted this though was watching the show about the ambulance service in London where this lady fell and was brought to hospital. She was in great form in the ambulance but she turned and said it was her time, and died in hospital two days later.

My grans best friend died 17 years ago. I was ridiculously close to her. Second granny. We had a long standing Sunday date - dinner and a fun activity. Anyway, her sister passed away recently, so it's not inconceivable that my gran or great aunt could go soon.

I don't know what I am looking for. Reassurance that it's normal preferably, or ways to cope with it or deal with it when they get too much.

Such as now. While I'm lying in bed crying over a woman I never met dying.

Taltos

Hi there OP
What you describes seems perfectly normal to me. I've and am experiencing a lot of what you describe. The only thing I'd caution is not to dwell on these thoughts, they've a way of sucking you in.

Is there any chance you can get some help in for your great aunt? Dementia can be very difficult to cope with and having an extra pair of hands or eyes takes some of the pressure off you...

For your grab, hopefully the slowing is just normal but I'm guessing she's seeing her sister and it's knocking her badly. Maybe having someone else to talk to our a local group she can meet might pull her back up a bit?

sullivlo

Taltos wrote: »

Hi there OP
What you describes seems perfectly normal to me. I've and am experiencing a lot of what you describe. The only thing I'd caution is not to dwell on these thoughts, they've a way of sucking you in.

Is there any chance you can get some help in for your great aunt? Dementia can be very difficult to cope with and having an extra pair of hands or eyes takes some of the pressure off you...

For your grab, hopefully the slowing is just normal but I'm guessing she's seeing her sister and it's knocking her badly. Maybe having someone else to talk to our a local group she can meet might pull her back up a bit?

We have the carers coming in to her so things are controlled mostly there.

I'm glad I am not the only one to have them. I get genuine anxiety when I think of old people dying. It's just a sad thought.

Trying not to dwell. It's just difficult at times.

uck51js9zml2yt

We are in a similar situation with my mother. She had a heart attack recently and at 86 just wants to die.
It's left to my wife and I to look after her along With young kids.

Have you had the PHN out to assess your situation and offer advice.
After my mother turning down additional carer hours while in hospital, we are now applying for them through the PHN.
Every morning I wonder if well find her dead. I even listen at night to see if she coughs...so it's all quiet normal.

Stopped Clock

Hi Sullivlo. I buried my mam recently after a long battle with dementia so I sort of understand how you feel. You're carrying an awful lot of pressure on your shoulders so it's no wonder you're feeling so low. There were times during my mother's illness when all I could do was lie down on my bed and howl into a pillow like a wounded animal. I don't think your tears over that lady on the TV show are weird at all. At the best of times, a segment like that would've tugged at your heartstrings but when it's hitting closer to home it's going to make you react differently. Sometimes those tears can help but be careful they don't drag you down.

Do you have much of a life outside of the family home? As in friends, hobbies, sports, a social life? If you can at all, keep those up as a distraction away from what's going on at home.

On a more practical level, look for every bit of help you can get. In our house, we found the Alzheimer's Society really helpful. We were lucky as well with the public health nurses. If I can offer you one piece of advice, it's this. If the HSE offers you any help at all, take it. It may not suit you but take it anyway. It's much easier to work around a "Yes" than to get them to roll back on a "No" if you know what I mean.

And finally: here are some things I learned from being a part-time carer (my father was my mother's primary carer)

• Don't try to predict the future. It isn't going to work out in the way you think it will. Live in the now
• Human beings are surprisingly resilient. In other words, your great-aunt and your gran might be around for a lot longer than you think
• Crying/bawling your eyes out helps.
• Not every day is a bad day.
• The human mind has an amazing capacity to cope with adversity. You'll be fine

sullivlo

I'm okay in general terms. Like it's not taking over my life, or anything like it. It's just a thought that I have fairly frequently. They're not going to be around for much longer and that makes me sad.

It's stressful though. I think I am a pretty patient person - I mean in the sense that I can dedicate a lot of time to situations before they make me snap. But dealing with some of the dementia related things is tough. She constantly hides things. Specifically her money. So it's an entire process when I go to get her shopping. We spend a significant chunk of time searching. And it's never in the same place twice. The battle over food is a struggle too. She swears blind that she has eaten, when I'm holding the aforementioned food in my hands!!!

It's more the morbid thoughts though. Every time I see an old person on their own I get anxious and think of their lives. I think about how they might die and that they might die alone with nobody to hold their hand.

I think about my friends parents and grandparents who are getting older and getting the assosciated health issues. I think of how difficult it will be for them when they lose their parents.

I'm preoccupied with the thoughts of death. It's hard to explain I guess.

But I see from others that I'm not alone.

Yellow pack crisps

Aren't you questioning your own life though really? Have you fulfilled it? Are you fulfilling it? Are you leading the life you always saw yourself leading? Everyone has morbid thoughts and we all on occasion question ourselves in relation to how we see our life panning out and we visualise our old age and how we got there and what we have achieved in life! Your opening line is quite a view into how harshly you judge yourself: I live st home, don't judge me. It's never a bad thing to look in the mirror methaphorically naked in the cold harsh light and ask who we are and is that person the one I recognise from before? If the answer is no then it's time to make some decisions and start the journey in becoming that person. When I was 19 a very important mentor type person died suddenly and it hit me hard without me really understanding but what it did do was take me from a place I wasn't happy in and made me make decisions that took me out of a situation I wasn't happy in and put me on a new path, it was a shove in the right direction. Getting old and passing away is just the way life is and of course it will come to us all. No point dwelling on it as you are missing out on all the things you might just regret when you are in your twilight years.

Would a worry be that you are alone when you do get old without the supports that you think are vital?

Are you taking on too much responsibility and stretching yourself to thin and it leads to you not fulfilling your own happiness and goals? Are you placing too much emphasis on the structure of life as opposed to personal and emotional prosperity?

1 am 41 and my view on life is this: I've a lot of **** to do in the next 50 years!

Rubberchikken

hi op
it's perfectly natural to feel sad at the thought of elderly people dying, especially those closest to us. weall know it's part of life but it's still hard to deal with at times.
i've worked witrh people living with dementia and it's almost always tougher on the family than the person themselves. watching someone you love slowly fade away is difficult and does make us question our lives and what the future holds for any of us.

the positiveness in some elderly people 80+ is extradionary. I know of a lady, 93, who still likes to go to the shops (for a look!), has a massive interest in the news and what's happening in her locality, can discuss the state of politics in this country with the best of them. attitude can be a big help in aging, and your Gran sounds like such a woman. climbing Sacre Ceour, buying eye tables into the future. it doesn't sound like she intends going anywhere ina hurry:) enjoy your time with her. the future takes care of itself.

i hope you have all the practical support you need at home. take care

Stopped Clock

Dealing with a person with dementia is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to deal with. I had a few near meltdowns with my mum in the earlier stages of her illness. Every stage of dementia brings is own challenges but arguably you're going though the hardest one now. Where they're still functioning as an adult but getting things wrong. You're not only having to watch them but you're also trying to process what's happening. It is a trauma for everyone involved.

You're not unique in having these thoughts. It is hard to be positive at times when you see the way life can go. If you find yourself thinking like this for a while, would you consider going to talk to someone? I was lucky in that we've an employee assistance program in work.

silverharp

it can be an age thing, if you are in your teens this all seems very distant, if you are older you might start seeing yourself in the position of your parents when you were a child for example. I was talking to a friend of mine I grew up with and we both have kids now and our conversation spun around to the fact we are our parents (if my butchering of the English language makes sense), so you start thinking about the whole cycle of life or conveyor belt nature of things. It is sad seeing older people dying because apart from missing their company you are having bits of your childhood "zapped" in a sense and your connection to the past goes along with their stories.
So perfectly normal as long as it doesn't paralyse you in any significant way

SarahMollie

I get this sometimes. I'm an only child and my parents are on the older side and sometimes, especially the last year or so I get waves of sadness when it suddenly hits me that they won't be around forever.

I have friends who have lost parents and I honestly don't know how they cope. They do, very well in fact, but I think as an only child perhaps I feel this more acutely and its terrifying.

Not sure this helps you at all OP but you're not alone in feeling like this.

sullivlo

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Aren't you questioning your own life though really? Have you fulfilled it? Are you fulfilling it? Are you leading the life you always saw yourself leading? Everyone has morbid thoughts and we all on occasion question ourselves in relation to how we see our life panning out and we visualise our old age and how we got there and what we have achieved in life! Your opening line is quite a view into how harshly you judge yourself: I live st home, don't judge me. It's never a bad thing to look in the mirror methaphorically naked in the cold harsh light and ask who we are and is that person the one I recognise from before? If the answer is no then it's time to make some decisions and start the journey in becoming that person. When I was 19 a very important mentor type person died suddenly and it hit me hard without me really understanding but what it did do was take me from a place I wasn't happy in and made me make decisions that took me out of a situation I wasn't happy in and put me on a new path, it was a shove in the right direction. Getting old and passing away is just the way life is and of course it will come to us all. No point dwelling on it as you are missing out on all the things you might just regret when you are in your twilight years.

Would a worry be that you are alone when you do get old without the supports that you think are vital?

Are you taking on too much responsibility and stretching yourself to thin and it leads to you not fulfilling your own happiness and goals? Are you placing too much emphasis on the structure of life as opposed to personal and emotional prosperity?

1 am 41 and my view on life is this: I've a lot of **** to do in the next 50 years!

I read this yesterday morning but needed to think before I responded.

Am I questioning my own life? Perhaps. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have a lot of material things to show for my time on this planet. But I am a firm believer in judging myself on the person that I am rather than the material things that I have.

I have no kids. I'm not sure if I want kids. Correction. I'd like to have kids but I don't think that I am ready for the responsibility and selflessness that comes with having kids. So I guess there is probably an element of not having anyone there to support me when I do get old(er). I'm also an only child, and I have a ridiculously small family - I can count them all on two hands!

Am I happy? Yes. That took time to answer. But ultimately yes, I am happy. Obviously there are things that I get sad about, but on the whole I am happy. I've pretty much achieved any goals that I set myself, and I make sure to place myself in a target rich environment so that I never get complacent and take things for granted. I try to go to bed a better person than I was when I left my bed, or if I'm not a better person that I have learned something from the day.

In saying that, I don't put any undue pressure on myself. I'm realistic in my goals. Mostly. The aim to run 10k by March might be a bit ambitious

I guess I might be focussing on my own mortality and realising that life is finite and it is only what you make of it.

I just find it distressing/disturbing to be so concerned about life when my loved ones start to leave.

sullivlo

SarahMollie wrote: »

I get this sometimes. I'm an only child and my parents are on the older side and sometimes, especially the last year or so I get waves of sadness when it suddenly hits me that they won't be around forever.

I have friends who have lost parents and I honestly don't know how they cope. They do, very well in fact, but I think as an only child perhaps I feel this more acutely and its terrifying.

Not sure this helps you at all OP but you're not alone in feeling like this.

My aunt died last year. She was like a second parent to me (I never met my dad). Losing her was one of the hardest things that I ever experienced. I don't think that I will ever forget those last few days with her, and the absolute devesation of leaving after she died. It broke me and it's only recently that I began to realise that.

I feel for my gran. She lost a daughter. She has aged since my aunt died. She has lost a bit of her spark. I guess seeing death and the aftermath of death makes it more real. Brings it home.

Losing my aunt was horrible and I guess that as I see my family age I realise I'm gonna be facing it all again sooner rather than later.

---

Jaysus lads, sorry for the pity party!

Stopped Clock

Would you consider talking to a counsellor? What's concerning me about the tone of your posts are two things. You're still reeling from the death of your aunt and now you've been dealt another blow. Also, you're living in an environment where the second blow (and possibly a third) are inextricably linked with the first. Your home environment isn't giving you any break from all of these problems you're trying to process. Don't underestimate how much space caring, illness and mortality will take up in your brain .

D Trent

http://zilli.tv/video/ambulance-the-night-shift-episode-2-full-episode/

Here is the link to the TV program OP mentioned if anyone's interested.

The BBC has done a fascinating documentary, quite like 999 What's your emergency but better.

Some sad stories in the first two episodes but the call takers and paramedics are inspirational people.

Yellow pack crisps

I read this yesterday morning but needed to think before I responded.

Am I questioning my own life? Perhaps. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have a lot of material things to show for my time on this planet. But I am a firm believer in judging myself on the person that I am rather than the material things that I have.

I have no kids. I'm not sure if I want kids. Correction. I'd like to have kids but I don't think that I am ready for the responsibility and selflessness that comes with having kids. So I guess there is probably an element of not having anyone there to support me when I do get old(er). I'm also an only child, and I have a ridiculously small family - I can count them all on two hands!

Am I happy? Yes. That took time to answer. But ultimately yes, I am happy. Obviously there are things that I get sad about, but on the whole I am happy. I've pretty much achieved any goals that I set myself, and I make sure to place myself in a target rich environment so that I never get complacent and take things for granted. I try to go to bed a better person than I was when I left my bed, or if I'm not a better person that I have learned something from the day.

In saying that, I don't put any undue pressure on myself. I'm realistic in my goals. Mostly. The aim to run 10k by March might be a bit ambitious

I guess I might be focussing on my own mortality and realising that life is finite and it is only what you make of it.

I just find it distressing/disturbing to be so concerned about life when my loved ones start to leave.



Material things are not the true reflection of a person, truly a person is defined by their actions. How many funerals where you at that people spoke about houses, business etc etc. No, more than likely it was about that persons personality and the effect they had on those people they knew and their surroundings in general. You almost seems like you are in a daily battle with yourself about who you are and what you want and are you capable of achieving it. We have a tendency to mask over what is truly bothering us by maintaining this line of just doing enough to convince ourselves that this is fine and this is what we are and for some this is fine and this is what they want, but for some others its a case of really not having what they want and finding ways to sabotage the things they do want.

You are not sure you want kids but immediately correct yourself and put the emphasis on your own internal conflicts. You want children. End of story.

Large families guarantee nothing. You could end up alone after being married for 50 years and have 6 children. Life guarantees nothing. if i was in your position i would be asking the question: Why do i block myself off from what i want? Why do i put obstacles in front of me? What am i afraid off?

Happiness: The bastard of all words. The most useless word in the english language. I imagine happiness is like a tragic journey that takes a lifetime to achieve and on your deathbed you wonder what the f**k it was and was it worth the wasted minutes, hours, years etc and the answer will always be a resounding no! Yes we are happy, sad, confused, pissed off, ecstatic, angry, hurt, down and a host of other feelings we feel fleetingly, constantly and daily but we never focus on anything else but how to be happy. personally i think you have not dealt with your 'second mother' death yet and have unresolved bereavement, did you mourn her? Are you over her death? Being over her death is not the same as missing her.

You don't put yourself under too much pressure and you have realistic targets? You do? You try to go to bed a better person? Are you Gandhi? I am not sure even he had those noble tendencies on a daily basis. That is massive pressure to have those thoughts and that is quite frankly exhausting and would deplete any sense of fun in life. Its ok not to be wholesome all the time. You say you are too selfish to have children and then put yourself forward as selfless. Being complacent is fine, its human and it gives us a break from being the perfect specimen that truly no one gives a **** about that we are or not, only ourself as everyone else is too busy being the beautifully flawed people we ultimately are.

A realistic goal is too run 10k? I know this was tongue in cheek but its healthy to have unrealistic goals and try to realise them and fail and there is fun in the failure sometimes. Life is about having fun and occasionally scaring the **** out of ourselves. Adrenaline is fun because it makes us feel alive. You aint questioning life, you are questioning your own stagnation though and that is healthy and that can be fun if you decide to truly do something about it. Get out of your secure and safe place and go live a little.