Awkward Work Situation

danslevent

Hello,

So I recently moved to a new country where I am working part-time as a nanny as well as pursing a part-time college course. This country is not English speaking and my role as a nanny is to also teach English to the two children that I pick up everyday from school Monday-Friday and then also babysit for a full day every Wednesday.

I babysit a boy, who is 4, and a girl who is 7. There have been issues from the beginning concerning the young boy.

He had the same nanny since he was 7 months old so when I came along and took her place (she left due to unrelated reasons) I have been portrayed as the villain. From day one he has been quite abusive; his initial reaction is always to yell, hit me, kick me and insult me if he doesn't get his way. Sometimes the behaviour is completely unprovoked, he can just approach me and hit me for no reason or ride his bike into me.

He ignores me most of the time, and when I have to pick him up for school he refuses to let me stand near him as we wait for his sister to come out. He is constantly shouting and won't even look at me when I enter his classroom to pick him up, he just marches away and ignores me if I try to talk to him. Sometimes if he does look at me it is just with narrowed eyes. Really strange behaviour for such a young child.

This has been going on for over a month. The mother has tried talking to him but he says it is my fault that she can't pick him up for school and that I am the reason the last nanny left. We have tried, and tried to explain this isn't the case to him but it doesn't sink in.

There is also a language barrier. Even though my job role is to speak only in English in accordance to my agencies rules, I have to speak in their native language because the mother said it would be better that way. I am a very average level in this language, I can get my point across but it stunts things a lot. It has also resulted in me coming across as quite stupid to the kids, because obviously I am saying things incorrectly a lot or mixing up verb tenses; all normal processes of learning a language.

There have been moments of hope where I have managed to slightly get through to the child and we might have bonded but those are very short-lived. The other morning he hugged me for the first time but within an hour he was telling me that he hated me and I am nasty. It is all very tiring.

The mother was initially very supportive of me and would tell him to stop hitting me etc but since she has soured a bit and it has become my fault. She rang up the agency and told them that I am suffering from a lack of confidence. One of the owners from the agency came to do a "visit" with me, as in they would watch my interaction with the children. This visit resulted in the boy screaming in the woman's face, kicking and hitting her and lifting his bike to try and throw it at her head. In fairness, this was him being particularly bad, he usually isn't as bad as that.

The agency reported this back to the mother who has since made excuses, they are somewhat valid, about him being sick that day. He really was vomiting the night before.

The agency has given me the option of finding a new family but it has been phrased in very weighted language, "if you want to quit" "if it is too hard for you" despite the fact they were initially horrified at the child's behaviour and called it one of the worst visits they had ever done.

I really don't know what to do. The mother and father have really been lovely to me, they found me somewhere to live here and I live right around the corner for them, making work really easy as I don't have to commute a long distance. Also, I really get along with the 7 year old. Everyone is advising me to leave, as I have even left the kids with bruises on my arms from him being violent, but I feel like this is me being weak?

Should I just persevere and it might get better? I really enjoy certain aspects of the job, as I have made friends with a lot of the other nannies that are at the same school so we can all chat while our kids play in the park everyday after school.

The agency said they have another family for me if I want to leave but I have to make the decision by Friday... I will feel so awkward having to tell this information to the mother. I think she thinks I am exaggerating how vicious he can be as she usually responds with claims that he has never been that way with anyone else, despite the fact I have seen him hit her on occasion too...

Barnaboy

Time to leave. Nobody should have to put up with that . No need to feel guilty.

jimmycrackcorm

danslevent wrote:

The agency said they have another family for me if I want to leave but I have to make the decision by Friday... I will feel so awkward having to tell this information to the mother. I think she thinks I am exaggerating how vicious he can be as she usually responds with claims that he has never been that way with anyone else, despite the fact I have seen him hit her on occasion too...

Just go. If the parents can't be bothered with trying to get the kid disciplined then it shouldn't be your job to put up with it. Why should you,?

The kid might do better with another nanny that he can't associate as being the reason for the original one leaving.

CINCLANTFLT

We have an au pair in our house... kind of the same thing as a nanny I guess... I would never put an au pair through anything like that... my kids know to respect the au pair and treat her well...

Short answer... leave!

danslevent

I sort of feel like this is me being weak though? Like I "can't handle" the child? Also, am I giving up too soon? It has been just over a month.

CINCLANTFLT

Also... our current au pair came to us after just one week with another family... she very quickly explained why things were not working out with the other family and she moved to us 2 days later... I think she was brave to do that in strange country where she barely spoke the language... she is working out fine with us now...

milehip

He doesn't need a nanny he needs a therapist, leave and let us know how you get on
Good luck.

LegacyUser

You titled this thread "awkward work situation". It should read "abusive work situation".
However, in this instance, you are the adult& the bully is a 4 year old child. You are in charge here. He must be taught that bad behavior will be ignored/punished,& good behavior rewarded. *However* you will need his parents to agree to a management strategy.
He runs his bike into you? Remove his bike
He punches you? Remove his favourite toy
He shouts insults at you? Assume selective deafness. Do not engage.
He misbehaves? No visit to the playground

If this child needs professional help &/ his parents refuse to support you in dealing with this, then leave asap. You cannot help those who refuse to help themselves; it is no reflection on you personally

loalae

My goodness that poor child! He's probably completely confused and hurt about his previous nanny leaving. I think it was probably naive of his parents to think that he'd automatically just accept a new person coming in. Obviously you shouldn't have to bear the brunt of his hurt feelings. Have you any knowledge of attachment in child development? If not and you're serious about remaining with this family, I suggest you read about it.

I work with children in foster care who can seriously reject new carers the same way this little boy is doing and it's NOT his fault. It sounds to me like he just loved the previous nanny and was not prepared for her to leave. That's not your responsibility, the parents have something to answer for here I think.

Big Bag of Chips

The child has whatever issues he has, but honestly, it's not up to you to sort them out. You're not qualified enough. There's no weakness in admitting that. But there is a stupidity in persevering with something you are not qualified to handle. For instance, I'm not a qualified doctor, so I wouldn't dream of taking a position where I was expected to give medical advice. This is similar. You're a babysitter. You're not a child psychologist, you're not a behaviour specialist. You're a babysitter.

I'm going to guess you won't be the last nanny to leave this family, but again, that's not your problem. The agency are now aware of how difficult the child is and might be able to find a more suitably qualified person to deal with him. I'm sure you dread the thoughts of spending any time with this child, let alone a full day. You deserve to be comfortable in your job. The parents are responsible for their child's psychological problems.

pookie82

I'd leave if I were you, and not just because the job has become "difficult". This kid sounds like a loose cannon, tbh. What's to stop him saying some day that a bruise he got during one of his tantrums was inflicted by you? If he resents you that much, and develops the comprehension of how an accusation like that might hurt you, it's not a massive leap. He may be under the impression that his old nanny will come back if you leave and try to engineer that.

I'd leave for your own sake as much as his.

kylith

Is there any way you could contact the old nanny to drop in and explain why she had to leave and that you're her friend that she asked to look after him from now on?

It sounds like he loved her and she was suddenly replaced and he feels abandoned, hurt, and angry.

LegacyUser

danslevent wrote: »

I sort of feel like this is me being weak though? Like I "can't handle" the child? Also, am I giving up too soon? It has been just over a month.

His not your child OP. I can understand you wanting to make it work but at the end of the day it's the parents job to raise him not yours and if they aren't willing to make the effort though on them. I agree with others it's not the child's fault but also is not yours.

You've got reasons you want to stay so you need to be honest with yourself if they out weigh the issues with the younger child or not. Take an hour to sit by yourself and go through the pros and cons, maybe call home and talk it through with a family member or good friend. If you do opt to stay then you need to be firm with the mother regarding the language. If it's the policy that you speak English then make sure it's followed through and if she has issue she needs to take it up with the agency.

Do you have a fear that if you move to a different family and their children are also difficult that it will reflect badly on you and the agency will assume you are the issue?

CdeC

Agree with the tough love post

What does a child value?.
Toys & sweets. So if he's mean take them away and then if he behaves reward him.

Give it a bit longer OP but set a time limit. If it doesn't improve after say another 4-6 weeks take to your heels.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd let someone else do the tough love!! The agency have another family lined up for you. Take it.

dudara

Post from @Chancer3001 warned & deleted due to breach of forum charter

dudara

lillycakes2

Leave, the child sounds troubled

While we appreciate people have concerns, requesting updates is not permitted in our forum charter

thanks

danslevent

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

So today I had a full day with the child which successfully eradicated any doubts I was having about leaving. Trying to get him to put on his shoes before getting his sweets ended up with him screaming and kicking me. He got so crazy a bystander even got involved.

I talked to the Mam when she got him and she agreed that we need to stop. I am leaving them for a new family in two weeks.

The mother has very much placed the blame on me. "he has never been like that before" "clearly you have no experience with young children" "you haven't been trained properly".

I went out for a drink with some of the other nannies that have been witnessing my daily struggles and they made me feel so much better. The mother is basically saying that it is my fault her son is hitting me and abusing me on a daily basis, which it isn't. Once one of the women pointed that out to me it felt like a weight had been lifted; it really isn't my fault...

Big Bag of Chips

The mother has to blame you. Because to not blame you means she has to take responsibility herself/themselves. And when the next couple of nannies also leave she will turn to blaming the original nanny leaving. The truth is, yes, children can get attached to people and can be upset when they leave, but they are also very resilient, and very fickle! Usually if someone is nice to them they can switch their affections fairly quickly!

I've seen young children who have lost parents through bereavement not react like this child is. This child is running riot, and the parents are not taking responsibility. You say you have also seen him kicking his mother. I would be very very surprised if all this behaviour suddenly started with the leaving of the original nanny. It might have escalated since then, but for it to be so bad now, there would have to have been some signs of it before. Children's childcare arrangements change all the time. They go to playschool, they might change rooms, they go to school, they change teachers regularly, and parents step in and deal with any difficulty the child might have transitioning.

The parents are failing their child here. Not any nanny.

Enjoy the new family.

danslevent

So the child has started spitting at me, a new development! I just shrugged it off and ignored it, happy with the thoughts I will be leaving soon. When I got in the door the Mother was there interviewing another Nanny, who I felt pointedly spent ages cooing over how cute and nice the boy is... so glad to nearly be done!

Thank you all for the responses. Mods, you can close the thread now

mkhall

danslevent wrote: »

Hello,

So I recently moved to a new country where I am working part-time as a nanny as well as pursing a part-time college course. This country is not English speaking and my role as a nanny is to also teach English to the two children that I pick up everyday from school Monday-Friday and then also babysit for a full day every Wednesday.

I babysit a boy, who is 4, and a girl who is 7. There have been issues from the beginning concerning the young boy.

He had the same nanny since he was 7 months old so when I came along and took her place (she left due to unrelated reasons) I have been portrayed as the villain. From day one he has been quite abusive; his initial reaction is always to yell, hit me, kick me and insult me if he doesn't get his way. Sometimes the behaviour is completely unprovoked, he can just approach me and hit me for no reason or ride his bike into me.

He ignores me most of the time, and when I have to pick him up for school he refuses to let me stand near him as we wait for his sister to come out. He is constantly shouting and won't even look at me when I enter his classroom to pick him up, he just marches away and ignores me if I try to talk to him. Sometimes if he does look at me it is just with narrowed eyes. Really strange behaviour for such a young child.

This has been going on for over a month. The mother has tried talking to him but he says it is my fault that she can't pick him up for school and that I am the reason the last nanny left. We have tried, and tried to explain this isn't the case to him but it doesn't sink in.

There is also a language barrier. Even though my job role is to speak only in English in accordance to my agencies rules, I have to speak in their native language because the mother said it would be better that way. I am a very average level in this language, I can get my point across but it stunts things a lot. It has also resulted in me coming across as quite stupid to the kids, because obviously I am saying things incorrectly a lot or mixing up verb tenses; all normal processes of learning a language.

There have been moments of hope where I have managed to slightly get through to the child and we might have bonded but those are very short-lived. The other morning he hugged me for the first time but within an hour he was telling me that he hated me and I am nasty. It is all very tiring.

The mother was initially very supportive of me and would tell him to stop hitting me etc but since she has soured a bit and it has become my fault. She rang up the agency and told them that I am suffering from a lack of confidence. One of the owners from the agency came to do a "visit" with me, as in they would watch my interaction with the children. This visit resulted in the boy screaming in the woman's face, kicking and hitting her and lifting his bike to try and throw it at her head. In fairness, this was him being particularly bad, he usually isn't as bad as that.

The agency reported this back to the mother who has since made excuses, they are somewhat valid, about him being sick that day. He really was vomiting the night before.

The agency has given me the option of finding a new family but it has been phrased in very weighted language, "if you want to quit" "if it is too hard for you" despite the fact they were initially horrified at the child's behaviour and called it one of the worst visits they had ever done.

I really don't know what to do. The mother and father have really been lovely to me, they found me somewhere to live here and I live right around the corner for them, making work really easy as I don't have to commute a long distance. Also, I really get along with the 7 year old. Everyone is advising me to leave, as I have even left the kids with bruises on my arms from him being violent, but I feel like this is me being weak?

Should I just persevere and it might get better? I really enjoy certain aspects of the job, as I have made friends with a lot of the other nannies that are at the same school so we can all chat while our kids play in the park everyday after school.

The agency said they have another family for me if I want to leave but I have to make the decision by Friday... I will feel so awkward having to tell this information to the mother. I think she thinks I am exaggerating how vicious he can be as she usually responds with claims that he has never been that way with anyone else, despite the fact I have seen him hit her on occasion too...

OP I was an au pair and nanny for several years in a similar situation. I can understand why you haven't left yet-you're obviously good with children and find your job rewarding and leaving may feel like you're giving up on this child. I would say give it time but it's been a month. I have had some pretty challenging children but I would draw the line at being physically hit by one. Have the agency given you advice on how to cope or bond with this child, besides sit and observe you? I would look at why you are really abroad, if it's for a limited time then I would leave-you're there for an experience and you need to be a little selfish here so you can make the most of it, I wouldn't mind the mother, she is downplaying it because she is probably embarrassed..and slightly biased I know how dirsuptive it can be to change families-as you're moving house and starting a new job yet again, which means working hard for that initial bond with the children. I had this situation, loved the older child so much the I couldn't bear to leave so I understand your wanting to stay. What do you do when he behaves this way? The younger child I minded I had sole charge of, his nanny left and neither parent was around for more than an hour a day. He'd spit at me and throw tantrums at the age of 5..I'm shocked the neighbors never called the guards from his shouting. I started ignoring it and him, yes it sounds really harsh I know! But it worked, the poor kid needed attention and slowly joined in to activities I would be doing with his brother. He learned to like me, I have to say I had to get the father on my side because 40% of it was pure brattiness due to lack of boundaries set by his parents and previous nanny. The agency should advise you on how to cope with this, figure out what's most important to you during your time there. This child's behaviour is not a reflection of you and it's ok to be selfish so you can enjoy your time abroad

mkhall

danslevent wrote: »

So the child has started spitting at me, a new development! I just shrugged it off and ignored it, happy with the thoughts I will be leaving soon. When I got in the door the Mother was there interviewing another Nanny, who I felt pointedly spent ages cooing over how cute and nice the boy is... so glad to nearly be done!

Thank you all for the responses. Mods, you can close the thread now

I just saw this after my response. Bad form on the mothers part, if she doesn't work on the specific issue she will be doing this more than often! Best of luck in your new job, you're there to enjoy yourself and deserve it