Negativity and feeling victimised

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,

I'm looking for advice here on how to address a situation I believe exists (or I at least think exists). Firstly, to give some context I'm male late 20's and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 months early 30's. So obviously it's relatively new, have amazing chemistry and enjoy spending time together.

We both have a different group of friends but we've gone on nights out etc. and have been introduced to each others friends. We live close enough to each other, go for food together, go for walks, watch movies and hang out together.

In fact, when we are together everything is brilliant. The issue is when we are not together....

So I feel I need to mention this before I get into the issue. I have a busy social life at the moment. Between 30th birthday's, stags and weddings there is a lot going on at weekends. I've curtailed going out on nights out with my friends where there aren't events. So, whereas before I used to go out for a few on a Friday and Saturday. I'll really only go out if I have to and otherwise spend time with her. If there is something on, and she is going out and I'm going out I'll arrange to meet up with her. A few weeks ago, I invited her to a friend's birthday and all was good. She said she'd meet me there and I told her I was going to have a few drinks with my housemates beforehand (who I've seen less and less of). She got pretty angry and she said that I always do what I want to do and she comes second. I tried to reason with her and told her I'd pick her up and we could go to the birthday together. She ignored my messages for the night and didn't go out...ignored me for 2 days. Eventually, she relented and we made up. I have told her that my friends are important to me and I enjoy going out with them and that I think it's important that we have a healthy balance of spending time together and having out own interests.

That's not my main issue, but probably important to mention in the overall context of the situation. The real issue is that when we aren't together there always seems to be something wrong. When she is in work there always seems to be something wrong. Literally every day for the last 2 weeks she has messaged me with something new that has gone on in work and how she is near breaking point. I always manage to calm her down and I believe I am offering support. I'll call over, give her advice and try to cheer her up. When it's not work it's family and I'll call over and give her support and advice.

I don't mind doing this, I know what it's like being under pressure in work or if there is something going on and it makes a huge difference to have somebody to talk to, that will listen and it does lighten the burden. The thing I am worried about is that it seems constant i.e. there is always something. Last night I got a message at 1 AM saying she had just got home from work, but I had a snapchat from her at 11.20 saying she was nearly home. Then I got a message at 7.40 from her that apparently wasn't meant for me saying "I can't believe we are in work already". I suspect she was lying and fabricating the situation to get my attention.

Anyway, I think there is something going on here and I'm not quite sure why she is doing this. I want to address it with her but I'm not sure to go about it and I suspect there is a bigger issue at hand but don't have a clue what it is.

Any advice from people in similiar situations or experience of this is most appreciated. And if you need additional info just let me know.

Thanks guys

Mr. Incognito

relationship with my girlfriend for 4 months early 30's.

Get out now.

You will spend your whole life dealing with fabricated issues.

Life will provide real enough issues to deal with without having your head wrecked over petty stuff

Merkin

Wowzers. She sounds incredibly needy and demanding. Relationships should be fun and it just seems like she is sucking the life out of you with her constant whinging and need for attention/sympathy. I don't really know what to advise. I'd be very wary of someone who ignores you for two days because you were hanging out with some friends before meeting her....it's just so unreasonable. I think I'd maybe sit down and set some clear parameters about how you need to socialise independently also, although having to do that so early on would be a big red flag. What's her relationship history like do you know?

Sleepy

Run.

Persiancowboy

Go....and go now. She is beyond high maintenance and will only get worse. She will suffocate you if you remain with her.

ManOfMystery

As above, run a mile. I'd hazard a guess that work for her is - like it is for most people - fairly routine and straightforward. However, she is plainly an attention-seeking person and she is fabricating or exaggerating issues so that you'll come and give her your care and the 'poor you' routine.

Her losing it over you seeing your friends was another manifestation of this : she wants your attention solely on her. It is unreasonable and immature.

As you've said yourself, when you're together it's brilliant. That's because issues like this only come to light when you're not focusing attention on her.

Ursus Horribilis

It's a given that her behaviour is bang out of order. She's a grown woman in her early 30s, not a needy 5 year old. The danger here is that if you try to "help" her, you'll get sucked in. Already you're not sure if her behaviour is an issue and you're only with her a wet week. You have been given a taster of what life with her will be like. Take it as a giant, loud, flashing warning sign and leave.

LegacyUser

Guessing by the work hours that your gf may work in medicine/healthcare?
What sort of issues are happening with her family?
Outside of weekends, do ye spend much time together as a couple?
You may be the only person she can confide in. Even though there's only a few years between ye, you'll find as you enter your early-mid 30s that friendships take a back seat to relationships. Ie: you might have lots of friends to pal around with, hers may be taken up with weddings babies ect .

suicide_circus

Hi OP, looks like you've got yourself mixed up with someone who is what is commonly referred to as "cray cray". From the tone of your post, you seem to know this. End it now before you go any further down the rabbit hole.

Airyfairy12

She's incredibly insecure, if she cant respect your boundaries and need for a life outside of her then leaving the relationship might just be for the best. She sounds needy and controlling, it will only get worse unless you set clear boundaries with her.

She needs to be the only thing you do or think about or put first, ever.

If you're not willing to ditch everything else of importance in your life, you will be accused of not caring.

Walk away, don't look back and look for the same signs in future.

Xterminator

i think some of the above reactions are harsh.
And i agree with them 100%.

Get out now OP and count your lucky stars.

BetsyEllen

Xterminator wrote: »

i think some of the above reactions are harsh.
And i agree with them 100%.

Get out now OP and count your lucky stars.

+1

All sounds like a head wreck, you don't need this from a relationship at this stage of your life. Who has the energy for this crap?

I'm specifically miffed about the part where she got the hump over you having drinks with your housemates and then not going out with you because of it.

If someone had done that to me, I would have been quite hurt. I'd guess you were looking forward to spending the evening with her, having her by your side at a social event surrounded by your close friends.
To suddenly get p'd off with you and not come, that must have stung seeing as you done nothing to deserve it.

Honestly OP, I know you say you 'have amazing chemistry and enjoy spending time together' but everyone does in the early days.

You're starting to see her for what she really is and sadly I think it's best for you to end it.

JustAThought

Maybe she just dosn't have as many friends as you or maybe they're not available to go out with her when you are out & she misses you and is lonely. If its all amazing when you are together its worth having a talk about - sounds like she's a social person & would love either to be out too or with you. My friends are in different groups & don't gel or want to hang out with each other - makes for multiple nights out but it's always different people. If she had a fuller social diary or less crap to deal with in work she might also go out more & be more chilled about it. Guess its not her fault she thinks the sun shines out & wants to have more time with you!! Lucky you in a year or so when your friends might be settled/unavailable/babied up/under bigger work pressures

Estrellita

She does seem terribly insecure and needy. She appears to be keeping tabs on you too, perhaps there are trust issues there. Whatever way you dice it up, it's far too much to deal with for a four month old relationship.

KikiDee

Oh dear OP. Quit a little game player isn't she? She's trying to make you feel needed and make you feel like she needs you in her life. which in a strange way, is somewhat nice. Not to the extent she's pulling it tho. Personally, if I was with someone that needy, I'd be gone. I guess, you need to ask yourself is it worth discussing this with her and both of you moving forward together. At this stage of her life, this ain't the first rollercoaster she's been on. It could be safe to assume this is typical behaviour for her.

daithi7

Grab your coat and leave, pronto.

She seems to be a needy, manipulative, suffocating, controlling, game player..... alarm bells should be sounding for you !!!

P.s. if you are inclined to stay with her(&I think you'd be mad to), ensure to ask her in depth about her previous relationships, and why they broke up (you'll have to read between the lines here), about her friends and dramas with them, & her family& any dramas with them. Then go away and write 10 to 20 lines to describe your gfs personality and character based on these and what you have experienced. Then ask yourself objectively if this is the kind of person you want as your oh. It's up to you, but I'd let her down gently, and run....

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks so much for all the feedback guys. I am going to discuss it with her and I really like the suggestion on querying about previous relationships. I have already let her know my feelings on the matter and we are going to meet shortly.

I think I am just going to set out clear parameters to her, and then listen to what she wants and her explanation for her behavior. If we decide to end it then so be it (I guess if I decide to end it - if she can acknowledge that her behavior was unacceptable and if I can understand that there was some reason that triggered it then that leaves us room to discuss things further), if we can agree on each others expectations/needs/parameters then I am willing to give it another go but will be on high alert for the next while (I think that I will naturally do this anyway).

If I am being totally honest I am not optimistic but everyone deserves a second chance...again thanks for every response