Going back to work

MHickman

Im a mum of twin girls and have been on mat leave for almost 10 months. Im due to go back to work in around 2 months and have spent the last 10 wondering whether I should or not. These are our first children and we both live in an area of Dublin far from our support network. We both commute into town for work about 30 minutes each way.

Ive found a nice creche locally and financially Im not under pressure to make either decision, which is part of the issue. Friends who went back to work all said they did because financially they had no choice and friends who stay home with their children say the same. I haven't found one who said it was an active choice!

So is there anyone out there who chose one way or the other? And if so how did you do it? My husband said do whatever feels right but I haven't a clue how to pin that down.

Neyite

It's lovely to be able to have this dilemma .

Do you like your job or would you be happy to be a full stay at home parent? I like my job and feel like getting out of the house is good for my head space too, but many others are very contented to not have to battle the morning commute either!

I went back after my baby because of finances, but if I could cherry-pick my ideal work-life balance it would be with a part-time role in the mornings, child in crèche, and that way I'd have adult socialisation, more time to do family/ home related stuff, the child would have their socialisation needs met, but also not be in crèche for such long days. Could you go part time? I personally think that from toddler age at least, crèche is brilliant for them. They learn to mix with other children, share, take turns, problem /conflict solve, take part in activities and learning through play that I could never do with them.

We get home at 6 and its a mad rush then to try and get dinners, baths and have some family time before bed. I'd love it if I could finish at 2, collect from crèche, get the messages etc and home to tidy /clean for a bit and get dinner on for serving at 6 - I might actually have a chance of sitting down for the first time all night before 11! I'm coming out the other side of the toddler years and it was hectic with one.

Also worth remembering that while the crèche fees will likely cancel out any income, there is 2 years of ECCE scheme which helps significantly so really you'd only be paying the full fee in the crèche until then.

I'm about 30 minutes commute from home and crèche. OH is much nearer for emergencies, but after the initial year we've rarely had to keep him off sick. Most of the sick days in the first year were temperature/teething related, the odd ear infection and a bout of chicken pox. He's got a pretty robust immune system now!

It's worth trying it, I'd think. If it doesn't work out or there is too much to juggle, then you can always fall back on the option of being a stay at home parent.

lazygal

OP I can relate a bit.
I told anyone who asked I had to go back because I needed to work for financial reasons, because it is an easy reason to give. But if we adjusted our life we'd probably be better off money wise if I stayed home. However, once I was back in work I realised it is really nice to be around adults and have a coffee or lunch in peace and headspace occupied by things other than my children.
I need to work for my own personal development. It is a juggle and it is difficult to find child care you're happy with but I love having my own income and that my children see I have a job just like their father does. I know many women who are happy at home and I know many women who find it very difficult to re-enter the workforce after an absense. I would return to work and not make any decisions until you've adjusted to the new work and home balance.
I'm lucky because I was able to change my working hours to a three day week. It's a nice balance.

eviltwin

Is part time an option? I work three days a week and its the best of both worlds. I've done both being at home and working full time and both were draining.

bp

I chose to stay at home but financial reasons played a part (could have worked a longer day to make it worthwhile). I would love adult company (especially at home with two - went back after the first) so ideally I would love part time - oh to pee in peace!

Why don't you go back, see how it works out and then decided. The downside is using a lot of holiday days if one of them is sick etc but adults are great and an actual tea break....ahh to dream

jlm29

I'm lucky enough to like my job, so going back to work was fine by me. It's a bit of a juggling act, and days the kids are sick are haaaard, but thankfully they don't happen often. I work full time, I'd love to cut my hours, and financially that would be fine, but it wouldn't fly with my boss.
If I were in your position, I'd go back, (on reduced hours if possible), and if it's awful, hand in your notice. It's probably easier to do it that way than to give up a job, and regret it, and struggle to get another.
If you go back to work, get help. As in, get as much if your housework as possible done by someone else. That way, when you're off, you have the time with your kids.

Moonbeam

I have done both .
I changes to a 3 day week when I had my 1st and sent her to Creche at 9 months old,my 2nd born 2 years later also went to creche.
I felt it hard to go back to work with them but there is no way I could have been at home with 1, I would not have known what to do with myself.
We lived in a house in a commuer area and I found it hard to get to know anyone,after a while I gave up and minded a 3rd child.
It was perfect, I was at home with a 1,2 and 3 year old and no chance to get bored!!
I went on to have 2 more and childminded o a more casual basis.
I miss work,I miss my own pay cheque,I miss going out for lunch,I miss my house being relatively tidy,I miss adult company,I miss the identity and challenge of work, I miss the freedom of work,I miss not having to ask for money for extras.
I had my own house before I met my husband and had kids, I was super independent.
I miss alot of things if I worked I could probably manage childcare now as 2 would be after school and 2 are in play school.
Would I change it? No
I love my kids running out of school in to my arms,I love being able to be there for everything from their 1st words and steps to music practice. I love the imaginary games, I love the fact that I know all of them so well, I absolutely love kids but I am a terrible house wife.
Neither is easy but I reckon if it is an option for people that everyone should try it for a while or work part time, I tried a 3 day week but my mind was not in it.
It is easier to spend less money at home but it is also easier to become lonely and isolated.

Ms2011

I was made redundant when I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first but have a good reputation in my field of work & keep in touch with contacts so could have returned to work at any point over the past 5 years but I have chosen to stay at home with my son & now daughter who is 18 months.
Much like most aspects of family life going back to work or not is a v.personal decision. I always knew if I were to have children I would stay at home with them until at least when they started school.
If you are a real people person I could see you getting a bit lonely at home, my sister would be like this but I've never been lonely in my own company so don't find that a problem, both myself & my husband have a car so I can get out if & when I want to so don't feel isolated. I take charge financially in my house, my husband's payslip even comes to my email :P All money's that come into the house go into the one pot & I pay the bills accordingly, anything left over usually goes on family days out or into the house we are renovating, maybe because of this I don't really feel the loss of my income

session savage

When our first was born we weren't financially able to have only one of us working but my wife is a nurse and cut her days to two a week with one of those being Saturday. It's been a struggle financially but to be honest it never bothered me to much. We earn enough to pay the bills and that's enough for now. The kids are only kids once and we personally couldn't see any advantage in going to work and paying someone else to mind them. This is just what suited us and although it's tough at times it has worked great for us.
It would be great to have some expendable income but I still wouldn't have done it differently.

iguana

I'm a stay at home parent through choice and it's the best decision I could have made. I love everything about spending my days with my son. We have a very busy social life, days-in where we do nothing are a rare treat. We meet friends, go to playgroups, go on group activities with local-ish cultural and education groups. We live near my family so call into my parents' house a few times a week, go visit neighbours, see extended family, have shopping trips etc. My husband is away during the week so I felt it was necessary to make a huge effort to build up a social network when my son was a few months old and now we have a fantastic social and support work.

The enjoyment you get from stay at home parenting will depend on the networks you build every bit as much as the enjoyment you find in small children. I love being around a child all day, I love playing with toys, doing crafts, watching him grow, singing and dancing all the time, doing momentum experiments with soft toys and a wagon, having skating lessons in the livingroom, racing down the big slides in soft play centres. (In fact finding out that as a parent you can go on the play equipment at softplay has been a high point in my adult life!) I'm often find myself at 11.30 on a miserable Tuesday playing a game while drinking hot chocolate with my favourite person ever and a bunch of friends and marvelling at how bloody wonderful my life is. So I would always have found huge enjoyment in being at home with my son. But having ensured that I have adults to talk to about tv shows, politics, art, music, general gossip and which play place has the fastest slides has made that life so much better. Not just because it's good to have friends but because life doesn't always go well. Loved ones fall ill, have horrific accidents, boilers conk out unexpectedly, cars break down and life can be sad and stressful sometimes. And if most of your waking day is spent looking after the needs and wants of a small child with limited empathy than the stress and sadness can be overwhelming. But if you have people you can talk to and lean on it gives you an outlet which will help you cope with your feelings and keep you sane.

rainbow kirby

I'm going back next month when my son will be 7.5 months old. It feels like the right decision for us - much as I like having the time with my son I'm looking forward to adult conversation, mental stimulation and having some money coming in again!

fro9etb8j5qsl2

It made more sense for me to stay at home after I had my kids because I had 2 close together and the cost of childcare for both would have left me with about €40 p/w. So I became a sahm. Before kids, I was a real people person whoblobed my own space and was worried I would crack up at home all day but it turned out that I actually enjoy it (most days!). We did had to make a few cutbacks and adjustments financially though. I can definitely see how staying at home might suit some people perfectly and not suit others at all.

Last year I started wondering about getting a part time job in the evenings just to get out for adult company and make a bit of pin money for myself. In the end, I started doing a little work from home which gives me a bit more adult interaction without the need for making childcare arrangements etc. It can be stressful trying to get things done around the kids though and I find I often have late nights working when everyone else in the house has gone to bed.

I'm due no 3 next year and if I want to continue doing this part time work, I'll probably have to arrange a childminder for a few hours a couple of mornings each week. Not sure I'll be so keen to stay at home all day when I have 3 of them driving me mental!

mirrorwall14

I wanted to return to work. I get antsy during the summer holidays (teacher) and miss the mental stimulation and challenge that I get from teaching. I am lucky in that I have the Summer to be at home with him and the stimulation/money/adult conversations for myself during the school year. As an only child he also adores his childminder where the other lad who started with him and is almost the same age are the very best of buddies

pwurple

Do you enjoy work? If there's no financial pressure, then that's the real question to think about?

Personally, I'm ambitious. Wanted to go back... I didn't completely stop while I was off. I was doing some reports and bits and pieces from home, and popping in here and there, taking the odd phonecall. I run my own company as well as being PAYE. I really love working generally. The only time I've hated work, is when I was on a quiet project, and had no ral deadlines, no pressure. Generally, I thrive on a bit of pressure and excitement. Also, there's been a fair bit of work involved in getting to where I am now. Worked hard on my leaving cert to get the points I needed, all those years in university, building my career for years with tough projects and more qualifications. I don't want to chuck it all away now that I'm in this strong position.

Also, I'm the primary earner. So, really the question would be better aimed at my husband. He doesn't like his job that much.

What I'd like to try, is a 4 day In The Office week... ie: less travel, and a bit more flexibility. Do a few bits on the friday, but from home maybe. We're working on paying off the mortgage as quick as we can, and once our accommodation costs are low, I'll ease up. Right now I'm overpaying that bad boy because the interest rate is ****e.

appledrop

I will be going back full time after Christmas when my little guy will be 7.5 months. There was no decision to be made for me always knew I'd go back. I really enjoy my job + for me personally I think it's important to be financially independent. I'd say it will be hetic + nervous about him settling in the creche but think it will be best in the long run.

conjon

OP, I am responding to this as a dad. We had the same choices nearly 4 years ago. My wife decided to stay at home and wouldn't change it for a minute. If financially you can afford to stay at home, it really comes down to your own choice. My wife and I have had to give up alot (Dunnes do lovely work v-neck jumpers!!) but honestly think we have made the righty decision. I think Moonbeams post sums it up right. Even the days I work from home, I love popping down to collect the lads when they finish in Montessori.

As an aside, given that you mention that you've no immediate family around (we are in the same boat in Dublin), could I suggest the that you might look at something like joining IMBA? My wife found has found it brillant down the years. Apart from the discount card, they organise a monthly coffee morning etc. My wife has made some reallly good friends through those IMBA get togethers.

Good luck with the decision!
Conor.

sullivk

It's a very personal choice really. I am incredibly lucky that my manager allowed me to half my hours when I returned from maternity leave. I work 2 long shifts per week and it's perfect.

I enjoy my job and the social/adult interaction it involves. And I love having the rest of the week at home with my family too.

Financially, I am expecting another baby so next year we will have 2 littlies part-time in creche. That'll leave me with less than €400 per month once fees are covered but I'm definitely going back, I couldn't imagine not going back! And I know other people feel the complete opposite.
Either way, you need to do what suits you and your family's circumstances best. Best of luck x