No sex in 2 years

LegacyUser

Hi there. I'm a 35 year old man and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. The last time was a one night stand, previous to that I had a wife for years who is now estranged.
Is this normal? I mean I don't particularly want a relationship unless the perfect lady for me comes along, but I'm really starting to feel frustrated at the lack of a sexual outlet!
I've gone on tonnes of dates, nothing really went beyond conversation, but I'm not even bothered with dating any more, I got sick of the disappointment.
What do people do in this situation? I'm honestly thinking about seeing an escort because another few years could easily pass with no sex at this rate!
I'm a good looking guy and keep in good shape, but I've found myself single in suburbia and most of my friends are settled down at this stage.
I'm just bloody sick of this drought.

magneticimpulse

I would join meetup.com or the girls and guys girlcrew group on Facebook to get out and mingle with people of a similar age first. Only by meeting with people and getting out there do you have a chance of meeting someone in a normal setting. I would still advice to go in dates. It can be disappointing but u find after going on dates with 10+ people you start to look at it as a bit of fun in getting to know someone or to have a companion for gigs/dinner/drinks.

I personally would be similar to you and also 35, son to be 36 yr old female, never lived with a guy or married. I might see a guy for 3 months at a time but then 2 or 5 years might go by before sleeping with with anyone again. I do enjoy it but just not met the right person/hasn't worked out.

I personally would be put off by a guy that has been to an escort. I think if you can help it by not going - don't go down that route??? I think there are plenty of single women out there and if you are based in Dublin....apparently there is double the number of single women to men!!!! So if anything guys shouldn't have the excuse that they can't meet a woman. Also you were married before and I don't see how you cannot find a relationship again?

Shint0

Waiting for the perfect lady to come along could leave you waiting and waiting some more. It could be a reason why none of the dates were successful or progressed. Are you really saying out of those tonnes of dates you didn't click with even one person? I would see that as more of a reflection on your attitude and your own criteria.

It's your decision if you want to go down the route of paying for sex. The oldest profession etc. although it is disputed if Mary Magdalene actually was or wasn't but people have been doing it for years.

LegacyUser

I would join meetup.com or the girls and guys girlcrew group on Facebook to get out and mingle with people of a similar age first. Only by meeting with people and getting out there do you have a chance of meeting someone in a normal setting. I would still advice to go in dates. It can be disappointing but u find after going on dates with 10+ people you start to look at it as a bit of fun in getting to know someone or to have a companion for gigs/dinner/drinks.

I'm not really stuck for friends though, I go out with friends a couple of times a week usually. I don't really want to be showing up at meetup groups or whatever they are in the hope that it might lead to sex! I don't think think that's what these groups are for.

I personally would be put off by a guy that has been to an escort

I don't think I'd ever do it to be honest, but I'm not willing to go sexless for the rest of my life which is how it feels this is going, so 2 more years down the line, I may have to do this! Don't worry, if we ever go on a date I'll keep my past to myself

Waiting for the perfect lady to come along could leave you waiting and waiting some more. It could be a reason why none of the dates were successful or progressed. Are you really saying out of those tonnes of dates you didn't click with even one person? I would see that as more of a reflection on your attitude and your own criteria.

One I was seeing for a while, but after 4 dates and not even a kiss I called it a day. Another girl everything went great for 2 dates, kissing etc, but then she completely ghosted me. The most recent one, all went well, we were set for a 2nd date (even though I didn't really fancy her) and then it fizzled out to nothing. But usually it's a case of meeting these girls and having zero attraction to them. I just got tired of that happening.
Back in my 20s it seemed I'd always hook up with someone after a period of time in one way or another. I guess people my age now are usually settled. The only thing I can think of worse than this is a sexless marriage!

December2012

Instead of an escort, would you try Tinder?

Dr Crayfish

December2012 wrote: »

Instead of an escort, would you try Tinder?

Tinder is a dating site no?

December2012

It's a dating site but its reputation suggests that you can be more direct about meeting up for some no strings fun

njs030

December2012 wrote: »

It's a dating site but its reputation suggests that you can be more direct about meeting up for some no strings fun

You can be direct on any dating site, tinder is no exception that people are on it for all different reasons.

Shint0

December2012 wrote: »

It's a dating site but its reputation suggests that you can be more direct about meeting up for some no strings fun

The OP perceives himself as a good looking guy but nothing is happening after lots of dates or he keeps getting ghosted or things fizzle out. So one would have to wonder why? Tinder might be no guarantee he would get no strings attached sex either. As he's getting frustrated with dating he might be better to stay single and go down the route he was originally thinking.

magneticimpulse

Op your first message said your friends are all settling down!!! Then when I give you advice to go out and meet single people you dismiss it and say you don't need friends or to meet new people!!!

I would beg to differ because the way of life you have is not working in your favour!!! The circle of people you are friends with are not connecting you to someone you click with.
tinder or meetup.com are not "free sex sites"...they are full of normal men and women who want to mingle and hopefully meet someone they click with (of course maybe women are on there for a hook up but I've never heard of a woman complaining about it being difficult to get a one night stand from coppers etc....usually it complaining about finding a relationship). Not everyone is single in meetup of course but there are many single groups and events on it.

Hopefully when I do meet a guy he is honest about is sexual past and would not lie about it. Op would you be happy if you met the perfect woman? You don't mention in your post that you are searching for a lovely person that you click with....you seem to be just looking for sex?

Also you only mention 3 women you went on dates with???? You can't expect to meet the person you click with if you only go on dates with 3 women. It can take 10, 30, 50+ women to go on dates with....in addition to going out to groups/hobbies/interests/volunteering.

Dating and relationships is a numbers game. Some people are lucky and meet someone straight away...,others need to meet a few/more people.

MeatTwoVeg

magneticimpulse wrote:

Hopefully when I do meet a guy he is honest about is sexual past and would not lie about it.

It wouldn't be any of your business tbh.

Shint0

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

It wouldn't be any of your business tbh.

I think for most of us women it's not ideal if a partner had decided to pay for sex when they were single but it's a reality in society that can't be overlooked and you can understand why some men similar to the OP's position might consider to go down that road. I would try not to judge too harshly if I understood their reasons and their motivation for acting in a particular way or any previous decisions they made in the past which are nothing to do with me or the relationship. Understanding and not judging someone is an important aspect of relationships.

XsApollo

OP there are a few adult dating sites out there with people just looking to have sex and nothing else if that's what you want.
Don't know if I can put them here.
A Google search <SNIP> if you want the names.
Probably a better option than going to an escort.

Arevaci

If you want sex you have to increase the number of single women you are friends with. If you are friends with a woman it means she does not think you're a weirdo and you are far more likely to turn her on than a random stranger.

Apps like tinder and adult dating sites will have a ridiculous ratio of men to women looking for hookups. Just look at the Ashley Madison scandal, ratio was 20 males for every female and lots of the females were bots. Using online dating for sex will only work if you're in the top 10% of attractive males as <10% of women want to meet for hookups. If you're lucky it will be with a girl far below your own attractiveness level.

If you're into something more and ready to be patient, make this explicitly clear as most girls will think you're only after one thing. Be careful of giving out signs of desperation - always the one texting first, always being the one trying to be funny and interesting - as this will implicitly communicate that you are inferior to her and that she can do better. Be interested in her career as if you're wondering if she's good enough for you.

And I wouldn't go with an escort. It would probably reduce your self-esteem even further and there is a sea of online porn available to quench your libido - just be careful to give it up when you do have a girlfriend.

SarahMollie

OP is it possible that these women are able to tell that at this point you only want sex?

Honestly from what you've written, it doesn't sound like a very attractive proposition. Man who just wants sex because he hasnt gotten any in ages, and pretty much any woman can be his lucky receptacle. You're sounding a little entitled, but no man is entitled to sex on demand.

I'm guessing you don't mean it to sound this way, maybe you're just jaded, but you should first evaluate what you have to offer any potential partner and try to work on yourself, rather than just feeling hard done by that no women have thus far fallen at your feet.

Also, I know you said you've plenty of friends who you see regularly, but if this is meeting a bunch of 30 something lads down the local, then this is likely not the right type of environment to meet single women.

Dial Hard

Arevaci wrote:

If you want sex you have to increase the number of single women you are friends with. If you are friends with a woman it means she does not think you're a weirdo and you are far more likely to turn her on than a random stranger.

Well this is one of the creepier posts I've read on here in a while.

Seriously, OP, don't do this.

It kind of sounds like you're a bit jaded with the whole dating thing. Which I totally get, being in the same boat myself. Perhaps you're not connecting with any of these women *because* you're just a bit fed up with the whole merry-go-round? Going on lots of dates when you're heart's not really in it can become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy in terms of never feeling that ever so clichéd "spark".

I haven't had so much as a snog since last December so I can totally relate to the wanting some physical attention thing. But I also really couldn't be arsed with the whole dating scene right now either so I know that if I did go on a date now, I'd feel very "meh" about the person because of *my* frame of mind, if that makes sense?

magneticimpulse

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

It wouldn't be any of your business tbh.

If guys have this attitude towards his previous sexual partners and being intimate - well quite frankly I personally wouldnt want to connect or get with such a guy!!! A guy can be with whoever he wants obviously but I think if he cares about a person he should be open and honest.

If someone can't be honest about that - what else are they going to hide? I think it is in someone's sexual health interest to know what they are getting themselves involved with. There is a huge difference between being with serious girlfriends in the past compared to someone who regularly frequents escorts.

magneticimpulse

Arevaci wrote: »

If you're into something more and ready to be patient, make this explicitly clear as most girls will think you're only after one thing. Be careful of giving out signs of desperation - always the one texting first, always being the one trying to be funny and interesting - as this will implicitly communicate that you are inferior to her and that she can do better. Be interested in her career as if you're wondering if she's good enough for you.

And I wouldn't go with an escort. It would probably reduce your self-esteem even further and there is a sea of online porn available to quench your libido - just be careful to give it up when you do have a girlfriend.

I wouldn't agree with the dont be the "one texting first". I will actually think a guy is not interested if he is not actively texting me and will end up never texting him again!!!

In this day and age everyone has their phone on them 24-7. If a guy is going out of his way to not send me messages - I will think he is not interested, I'm not going to waste my time and I'm going to go for a guy who is keen and texting me.

Either way it shouldn't be made into a game. If you are into someone keep up the momento. I went on a date with a guy over the weekend. Previous to the date he had texted asking for feedback as to why I had ghosted him. I pointed out that he simply hadn't replied to my last message and I thought he wasnt interested. He also hadn't suggest he was keen in meeting up....anyway once he cleared that up we had a fantastic date in the end.

The moral is - don't just assume someone is not interested as they might be in the same boat wondering if you are interested.

Winter Meadow

OP it's all about your mindset, I find it so easy to meet multiple women on a night out to see again or to have same night fun. Only your mindset is stopping you.

Walk over to women and enjoy yourself, enjoy chatting with women and people in general. Let your own self amusement be your priority. Women will begin to find you cheeky and attractive. Put yourself first.

magneticimpulse

Winter Meadow wrote: »

OP it's all about your mindset, I find it so easy to meet multiple women on a night out to see again or to have same night fun. Only your mindset is stopping you.

Walk over to women and enjoy yourself, enjoy chatting with women and people in general. Let your own self amusement be your priority. Women will begin to find you cheeky and attractive. Put yourself first.

Depends - overly cocky guys can be just as much a turn off. I think a guy who is himself, genuine and shows interest should do well with women.

Winter Meadow

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Depends - overly cocky guys can be just as much a turn off. I think a guy who is himself, genuine and shows interest should do well with women.

I think a guy who is himself will tend to be "cocky". Self amusement could be viewed by some as cocky.

magneticimpulse

Winter Meadow wrote: »

I think a guy who is himself will tend to be "cocky". Self amusement could be viewed by some as cocky.

Or creepy!!!

Fridge

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I wouldn't agree with the dont be the "one texting first". I will actually think a guy is not interested if he is not actively texting me and will end up never texting him again!!!

Same here. Especially if they're the one that's asked you out. If they're not willing to keep up contact, then I assume they're not interested and I don't push it.

brickmauser

The women aren't going to come to you. You really have to go out there any chase them.

LegacyUser

Your focus is on sex so because that's what you seem to be chasing after then it will continue to allude you. Without you being that aware of it you're probably viewing potential women as objects and are coming across very inauthentic, slightly desperate to keep going with dates whether you're interested or not.. women pick up on this vibe quickly and are turned off by someone not genuinely interested in them, and you come across kind of sleazy.
You need to forget about sex, think about why you even care so much, because the only thing fueling this frustration is the way you're overly focussing on it. Your dwelling on lack of sex becomes a self fulfilling thing. Start to think actually why am I wasting my time looking for meaningless sex? if you decide you really don't care about it, then the pushy desperation for sex regardless of who it is disappears (which turns people off) and you become interested in genuinely connecting with someone, and a natural progression towards intimacy happens, and not something forced before you're both ready.

MeatTwoVeg

magneticimpulse wrote:

If guys have this attitude towards his previous sexual partners and being intimate - well quite frankly I personally wouldnt want to connect or get with such a guy!!! A guy can be with whoever he wants obviously but I think if he cares about a person he should be open and honest.

Personally, I'd run a mile from someone who started interrogating me on my past sexual history.
It's quite frankly none of their business.

brickmauser

You are focusing on rejection and letting it get to you instead of cheerfully moving on.
The secret is to flirt with women all the time.
Many women are attracted to you but they are too shy to go for it.
Women generally make up some excuse not to talk to you or not to give you their number or not to meet up or not meet you again after a first date and so on.
Just ignore it and flirt with other women and move on.
It's very subtle and hard to pin down but you kind of know when women want to have sex.
Something sort of clicks like you opened a locked combination safe or something.
Goodness knows why women reject men they are attracted with and honestly who cares anyway?
Keep things light and funny and make women feel good about themselves and comfortable and somebody is going to want what you want.
Don't overthink it.

LegacyUser

Eh I'm saying if he wants more sex he needs to change the way he's going about it? Because it obviously hasn't been successful! If he dwells on the LACK of sex..well guess what? he'll get more the same. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, most of us want it to varying degrees. Oh boards I despair sometimes, people sitting waiting to react, without understanding the point being made.
He needs to not care and worry so much about not getting sex, as soon as he doesn't care, it'll start happening!!
His post reeks of desperation for sex, so much so that he's thinking of paying for it? OP that kind of obsession is going to stop it happening for you completely. A whiff of desperation and attractive women will run a mile, it's so unattractive. Start seeing women as multi layered humans, take the focus off sex, go for women you have lots in common with.

suicide_circus

brickmauser wrote: »

The women aren't going to come to you. You really have to go out there any chase them.

For 99.999% of men, this is the case. You have to try and get shot down multiple times before you'll find a woman interested in casual relations with you at that moment.

brickmauser

suicide_circus wrote: »

For 99.999% of men, this is the case. You have to try and get shot down multiple times before you'll find a woman interested in casual relations with you at that moment.

Well if I am in a club and I think about - there are maybe two hundred women in the place and a large percentage are looking for fun. If I try it on all night I am going to get a few numbers at least and a few kisses and I can persuade at least one to go home with me or I will go home with her. If I stand there gaping with a pint in my hand I will get nowhere.
It really is that simple OP

farmdogg

To echo what others have said: you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince(ss).

You have to face the fact that you might go through dozens of false starts before closing the deal with somebody.

I personally have no moral opposition to escorts and all that, but is that really solving anything? Isn't that just like looking at a holiday programme instead of actually going on holiday?

I'm in no position to be doling out advice: I ended a dry period with this woman that I'm now debating how to break up with. I think I let my libido trick me into convincing the rest of my "brain" that we were compatible just because we get on well at a physical level.

dudara

@farmdogg - welcome to Boards. As a new poster, please be mindful of the threads you are replying to. Replying to old threads that have ran their course is not really recommended.

Thread closed. If the OP wants to reopen, please contact me or one of the other mods.

dudara