Friend doesn't like my boyfriend

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half. A few ups and downs and issues during that time, but we're in love and make each other happy for the most part.

I live abroad and most of my close friends are back in Irl, he's met them all in dribs and drabs and there has been no issues, everyone seems to get along and he's been a welcome addition to the group.

A few months ago he met a close friend of mine at a birthday do, it was immediately clear they're very different people and would never be best friends, while nothing bad seemed to happen my bf came away thinking my friend hated him, I reassured him he didn't and that he just couldn't be best friends with everyone.

Met up with that friend for the first time since then at the weekend, we got horribly drunk culminating in a late night heart to heart where he told me he didn't like my boyfriend, he was a "bad person" and some of his other friends said it too that night and that he wasn't right for me. He has since apologised and told me it was him being an idiot, but I'm so hurt and confused by it and don't know how he can have grounds to say any of this in the first place.

I'll admit myself and the OH are very different, from different backgrounds with different personalities etc but he went out of his way to be nice that weekend and this friend is quite a close one and his opinion really matters to me. I'm really upset that he could disrespect my boyfriend in this way and worried about how it's going to isolate me from the group or turn other friends against my boyfriend for no good reason.

What should I do?

Merkin

Any chance this friend actually has the hots for you himself? Because unless he's gay I'd put money on this is what the problem is......I've been there.

LegacyUser

I should have prefaced this by saying he definitely doesn't fancy me as he is gay!

I think I'll need to meet him and have a sober chat to find out where it's coming from. It really upsets me that he obviously sat around b1tching about my OH with his friends (who I don't know very well) after we left the party.

From what I could see my OH was very low key, spent most of his time by my side and didn't talk to my friend much at all - to the point where he thought my friend hated him. Turns out he was right sadlu

Big Bag of Chips

Has this friend ever had problems with other boyfriends? There's a chance others don't like him and they just put up with him to be polite for your sake.

I don't like my friend's husband. We have been friends since junior infants and are still very close. I don't like him. I think he's a knob. But that doesn't matter. I'm not married to him. She is. And she loves him. I don't have to see him very often. When I do I'm polite and civil but I know, if my friend knows me well, she will know that I'm just tolerating him!! But again, it's irrelevant. I'm not married to him. Their lives have no impact on mine. I don't need to like him in order for her to love him.

Same as you don't need your friends' blessing to be with your bf. You live in another country. Realistically how much of on impact will your friend not liking him have on your day to day lives? Probably none.

Your friend might fancy you. He mightn't fancy you but he might just not like your bf. You say yourself that your bf "went out of his way to be nice" Maybe people didn't actually believe it was genuine or natural? Who knows? All you know is your friend doesn't like him, but he's not in the relationship so he doesn't need to.

If you're happy, carry on. If you're not then maybe your friend is bringing things to your attention that you have been trying to ignore?

Edit:

frienddilemma wrote: »

I'll admit myself and the OH are very different, from different backgrounds with different personalities etc but he went out of his way to be nice that weekend...

Is there more to this? Why do you have to "admit" anything about your boyfriend? And why mention that and then say "but he went out of his way to be nice that weekend"? Would he not normally be nice anyway?

As for what you should do... Nothing. What do you want to do? What good will come of sitting your friend down and questioning him? Is it going to make you end it with your bf? Are you hoping to somehow convince your friend to like him? Just leave it. Accept your friend doesn't like him and don't force situations where they have to be in each others company.

magneticimpulse

Why did the friend think your bf is a bad person? Does he have something to go on or he knows about? If it bothers you so much I would ask your friend to explain why he thinks your bf is a bad person. I don't think a friend would make such a comment lightly unless they genuine thought they were doing you a favour/protect you from getting hurt. I doubt a friend would be out to randomly stir up ****e for no reason.

Are you trying to brush over something with your bf that your friends can see? As they say love is blind....

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I don't think a friend would make such a comment lightly unless they genuine thought they were doing you a favour/protect you from getting hurt. I doubt a friend would be out to randomly stir up ****e for no reason.

I don't know if the "bad person" was a completely drunken mistake on his part as he couldn't be more apologetic the next day, said he was drunk and an idiot and didn't know what he was talking about.

I know there's every possibility my other friends don't like him too, but I'm good at judging these things and can tell from the way some of them have spoken to me since that that's not the case. One of my friends says she's never seen me as happy and comfortable before, my family think he's great and we're good together, another close friend got on with him like a house on fire (kept going for fag breaks together and couldn't separate them!) and another one of the lads was like his best mate all night.

I don't expect everyone to be like that, of course not everyone will love him like I do, but the absolute hyperbole I got frm this particular friend that night knocked me for six. He's a bad person, some of the things he was saying, other people didn't like him either, is he really YOU because I don't think he is...etc. Bowled me over. Even if a lot of it was drunken ranting - it's coming from a place where he doesn't like the guy and thinks I shouldn't be with him.

I haven't had any longterm relationships before - in fact that seems to be what I'd chat about with this friend over the years - dating and being single and how bloody awful the scene can be - he means a lot to me and maybe because we've both had similar bad luck, I thought he'd be happy to see me happy even if he doesn't adore my oH.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is there more to this? Why do you have to "admit" anything about your boyfriend? And why mention that and then say "but he went out of his way to be nice that weekend"? Would he not normally be nice anyway?
.

I don't know why I feel the need to go on the defence. I did it with my friend that night too. I suppose when you hear something so awful from someone that you love and respect, you assume it's got some basis in reality and feel the need to set the record straight.

My boyfriend is absolutely not a bad person, he's one of the most caring men I've ever met. He treats me so well and is as loyal and honest as they come. We are from different background though, mine being very middle class and his being a bit rougher around the edges though in terms of education and career we are on the same page. My friend isn't a snob by any means but I wondered if my OH being less sociable than I would be naturally, less outwardly etc played into how my friend felt about him. That's literally all I can come up with as I can't understand why my friend would form such a bloody awful opinion of him.

I know logically it's my life and my happiness etc, but this friend would be the linchpin among our group of friends and I'm worried about him spouting this nonsense among other friends because it's not fair on me or my partner.

Big Bag of Chips

Your friend could just be jealous that you're with someone and he's not. Or that your bf slotted into your group and stole his thunder? Or that their personalities just didn't gel. As you said, you can't be best friends with everyone.

You love him. You see his positive qualities and love him. So it doesn't matter if your friend doesn't.

Don't bring it up with your friend again. I don't see any reason to other than to have your friend grovel again. Just leave it. Once your friend doesn't come between you and your bf that's all that matters. And if he does, you make a decision.

Edit: if your friends are all grown ups they will make up their own minds on your partner. I assume you are adults if you live abroad and were out getting pissed. And it seems they have, and they like him.

Muir

You said you and your boyfriend have had your ups and downs, by any chance do you contact this friend for a chat/vent when you've had a disagreement with your boyfriend?
If you do, it could just be the case that your friend hears more of the bad stuff about your relationship than the good. I've seen that happen a few times, because people often tell close friends when things are wrong and maybe don't always tell them the good parts of the relationship, so they have a skewed view.

Big Bag of Chips

Another thing to consider is maybe your friend sees a change in you, and blames your bf for it? You say he is not as sociable as you and spent most of the night by your side. It could be that your friend sees someone who used to be very sociable and outgoing, now much quiter and sitting babysitting her bf all night.

Maybe you've changed and the "bad person" and "not you" comment is coming from a ham-fisted drunk way of telling you that he's noticed you've changed and is just checking that you're happy?

As said, nobody here knows what is going on with your friend and it could be an endless number of things. But you've said your piece. Leave it at that. Bringing it up again will only put them on the spot again and make everything uncomfortable. By the way... Stop talking to others about it too!! You say others you've spoken to since then have said they don't agree with your friend. You are making a mountain out of a molehill by looking for validation from so many people.

You're excited to be in a relationship with a great guy. Not everyone is going to be as excited! Some people will think he's great. Some will like him. Some won't have any opinion. And some won't like him (or who you become around him!?). Just get on with it yourself. If your relationship goes the distance your friend will either eventually accept him or, as often happens with friendships, he will drift away in another direction and his opinion won't have any impact on your relationship at all.

leggo

I have a friend who has a 0% approval rating with girls his friends go out with, apparently. I've been told by someone a bit closer to him than me that this is just how he is. We think he doesn't like the fact that his mates aren't around as much when they're with someone (yet he has a girlfriend and does the same things anyone else does with her).

The first girl of mine he met, I listened to his concerns unedited as they seemed based in solid fact, and even acted on some concerns that I initially didn't share, raising issues that didn't bother me until he said it, and it caused massive problems in the relationship. I was more aware of it with the second girl and, sure enough, he didn't like her (though he wasn't alone there tbh) but he was told early on that I'd ask for his comments if I wanted them. To his credit, he bit his tongue a lot throughout the relationship and always listened to any rants or concerns I had without getting too opinionated. Ironically, he recently met a new girl I'm seeing, knows the parameters now, and seems to genuinely like her a lot!

Point is: you have to put friends' views in context. If you're hearing the same thing from a bunch of different people from different walks of life, okay that could be a case of your friends all seeing something you're missing and come from a place of genuine concern. If everyone is positive about a new partner and one person is irrationally negative, it's more likely the problem is with that person alone and can be discounted. Don't worry too much about the why's and whatnot, it's their problem and not yours. And at least here your friend had the decency to apologise and reverse his views in the sober light of day. I don't think you've anything to be concerned about here.