Do you talk to a cheater?

LegacyUser

Hi,

The girlfriend of over 3 years, I've just learned has been cheating. Going on for months. I'd suspected and had brought it up before but it was 100% denied/just friends.

So my suspicions grew and I found some messages...very brief bit of a confrontation where she denied then lied then admitted and I left.

I didn't know her at all.

I'm...I don't know what I am. Betrayal here is fairly off the scale.

Week ago now, I haven't responded to her couple of attempts to meet. I don't have to see her again if I don't want to, we didn't live together so barring the odd by chance bump into...I won't see her.

So do you bother with them after? Any point in that final chat?

Merkin

She wants to meet for 'closure' I imagine which she simply doesn't deserve. If she didn't deem you worthy enough of her loyalty and respect then I certainly wouldn't be affording her the same courtesy now by giving her the chance to assuage her guilt or give you fickle explanations. Ignore her completely and don't waste a second more on her.

Big Bag of Chips

If she was cheating on you with this fella for months, chances are she is now in a relationship with him. You don't need to meet her. What could you get from it, except more half truths and excuses, and then to watch her walk away to go meet him and tell him all about your meeting?

You don't need to meet her. So don't.

Ursus Horribilis

Even if you met her for "closure", how can you be sure that any words that come out of her mouth are true? Personally I'd continue to ignore her and let this end on your terms, not hers.

leggo

Nah, when people betray you to that level you've no obligation to see them. I'd block her off all media if I was you.

piglet74

Dont meet her, she might try to worm her way back in. Maybe it didn't work out with the other guy, and she wants you back. Maybe it did work out and even by doing the final chat, you might feel like you are getting your nose rubbed in it.

Walk away with your head held high. Leave her behind you, where she belongs,

MHickman

You need to decide if a final talk would make you feel better or make you feel worse and then decide accordingly. From the outside I doubt anything she could say could make you feel better.

tara73

it's completely your decision. If you feel you don't want to talk to her that's great, I don't think many people are that straight and cool after a break up even if it involved cheating.

But it seems you are unsure or curious why she contacts you, otherwise you wouldn't post here.
Why don't you ask her via mail what she wants and decide from there if you want to talk to her.

personally I think the best way is to ignore her. you seem pretty clear you don't want to forgive her or anything so there's rightly nothing to discuss.

Passtheremote

Will hearing "you are such a great guy and.... it just happened "and other similar nonsense help you. Absolutely not. It will probably help her purge her guilt though. Put your needs first. Go completely dark on her.

Eric Cartman

she wants to meet up to feel better about herself or hear you say you don't mind / it didn't hurt. Don't give her that. Leave her and her cheating guilt to fester.

ManOfMystery

There's nothing she can really say that is going to make you feel better here.

"You're a great guy, blah blah blah" - then why did you cheat?
"It meant nothing" - then why did it go on for months and why all the lies?
"You got it all wrong" - in other words, I'm still not ready to admit my guilt

Meeting her will achieve nothing other than offer her a chance to make some half-assed apology or try to massage her guilty ego a little.

Delete her number and cut her off entirely. That's you taking control of the situation.

LegacyUser

I was in similar situations, I was engaged with my boyfriend for 4 years.
It was heart breaking to go through,but we talked and talked work things out.
We are 8 years together with second child on the way and planning for our wedding next year.
We are so happy his a great father.
I'm sure many of us made mistakes, some people do deserve a second chance.

s4uv3

BerühreMeinHerz wrote: »

I was in similar situations, I was engaged with my boyfriend for 4 years.
It was heart breaking to go through,but we talked and talked work things out.
We are 8 years together with second child on the way and planning for our wedding next year.
We are so happy his a great father.
I'm sure many of us made mistakes, some people do deserve a second chance.

There's a huge difference between 'a mistake', and many months of cheating and lying.

Ursus Horribilis

s4uv3 wrote: »

There's a huge difference between 'a mistake', and many months of cheating and lying.

Yes. And in this case, she lied through her teeth until she ran out of options and had no choice but to admit to the cheating. She'd probably still be sneaking around behind his back if he hadn't found the evidence and confronted her.

He's lucky he doesn't have anything to tie himself to her and that he can cut contact. I have no doubt that her reasons for wanting to see him again are all for her benefit, not his. It's a self-serving gesture aimed at making her feel better. She is a proven liar so any words that come out of her mouth should carry a government health warning.

Xterminator

anon4456 wrote: »

Any point in that final chat?

Well thats the question, isnt it,

the consensus seems to be, not to bother with a face to face for her sake.

But what about you? Will you get some closure; are there issues to talk about, like mutual friends, investments, planned holidays, shared expenses ....

are you just a bit curious what she has to say for herself? Was she a bad person overall, in hindsight?

I wouldnt rule out meeting her, perhaps at a time and venue that suits you -to make a point.

Airyfairy12

Dont, I discovered my boyfriend of 3 years was cheating on me for the whole of our relationship, I dumped him, ignored his messages and phone calls then one day I got a long message from him saying how sorry and heartbroken he was, I felt sorry for him so agreed to meet up, ended up getting back together only to discover he was still in contact with other women and he was still cheating. They dont change, they feel no remorse at all, theyre morally bankrupt. Not worth the hassle. Im still kicking myself for not changing my number and blocking him from all social media after we broke up the first time. Run!! you got a lucky escape.

SeaBreezes

Agreed, my boyfriend of 18 months cheated on me.
We split up, after much begging on his part, we got back together, 6 months later he started the same crap again.
Once a cheater always a cheater and not worth your time or head space.
The two things I regret the most:
My family/friends pity and disgust for my trying to make it work knowing what he was. I feel I lost their regard and understanding.
The cynic he has made me, and how I distrust all men now.