Birthday texts and ex's.

LegacyUser

This is a non-issue really and I'll probably be told to cop on, but it's my ex's birthday this week coming and I'm unsure whether to bother texing him or not. We didn't end on great terms, although he thinks otherwise. I chose to end communication in a civil manner because he wouldn't admit to any wrongdoing after the break-up, even when I had admitted to my own share. I was angry and hurt, but rather than look like a basket case by harrassing him for answers/closure, I left it. Before our last few words, I asked him to respect my wishes and not contact me. Thankfully he hasn't and it's been five months.

Although I partially still resent him, I know I'm on the way to getting over him. Before going out we were close friends for 5-6 years. Breaking up I said I would contact him when I was ready to be friends again. I know full well we won't go back to being best friends, but I would like to >try< and salvage something down the line. I know it may be fruitless and I'm not banking on anything, but the idea that we could be friends a year from now doesn't seem like such an off the wall idea. As far as people go, he's a good person and was a good friend. I don't know whether giving his birthday a miss is a good idea considering this. I don't want him to think I'm done completely with him if I don't bother, nor do I want him to think I'm being petty. What I certainly don't want is to re-establish a line of contact - just yet. Regardless of how fleeting and off-hand the message is, I know he'll follow it up with a "how are you" or something similar. Tbh, I dunno what to do, either way I'll probably regret it.

Any help and opinions are appreciated. Thanks.

ibarelycare

Please don't message him. It could set you both back in moving on. He might be having a great day, and receiving a text from you could open old wounds and ruin his birthday. It's been 5 months...keep going as you are. You might feel bad, but you'll move past it in a few days and it probably won't even register with him that you didn't text him. Leave him be.

Big Bag of Chips

He won't be waiting for your text, or expecting one, so why bother?

It seems you want to contact him, maybe unfinished business? Maybe you're waiting for him to realise he was in fact wrong and apologise? I think you will only be contacting hoping for something, and when it doesn't come you'll be disappointed and might even have to go back to the "please don't contact me again", which would be a bit rich if you'd contacted him first!

Leave it.

magneticimpulse

Don't bother. It doesn't sound like it ended on good terms or it sounds like he treated you badly??? Texting him would be lowering your standards and letting him know it was ok for him to treat you badly. Move forward and never look back. The world is full of nice friendly people who will respect you.

orthsquel

OP if you're still feeling a bit angry over things that led to the break up then it is probably best that you leave it and focus instead on getting over him, resolving any feelings or unfinished business you may have (especially if he thinks you ended on good terms) and moving on with your life.

I think the questions Big Bag of Chips asked are very valid! What's your motivation for contacting him? What do you expect to achieve in contacting him? Ask yourself these questions, try and answer them to yourself very honestly.

It's nice to want to wish an ex who you hope to be friends with again a happy birthday. But sometimes, it's not the right thing to actually do, for yourself. There's no guarantee that you definitely will be friends again, or close friends again. You might think it, you might even want it, but maybe in time you may feel differently about him and when you've moved on, you may feel different in yourself and feel different about him.

I think the harm and the warning generally comes if you are looking to contact telling yourself it's about doing something nice for someone else, but actually lying to yourself in that really, what you want is for them to respond and make you feel part of something again, make you feel visible or that he is thinking of you. And if you don't get a reply...? Will you be able to cope and accept that? If there is a risk that if you don't get a reply and you might be upset with that, then it is better not to contact him.

I think you may be better off leaving it be and leaving things as are if you are not in the best place and not over him yet. Even if he is someone you hope to be friends with again in the future, you don't have to prove your worth even as a friend after a break up.

leggo

Yeah it's a bad idea. The last thing you want on your birthday, months out of a relationship you're moving on from, is a text from an ex. Think of the thoughts you'll send running through his head, "What do I say to this? Should I be brief or make conversation? Why is she texting? What does she want?" You'll be giving him all of this stress to deal with on his birthday. If you do care about him, you don't want to do that.

Not that exes can't ever get back together, but if that is what you want and the reason he's on your mind at all, if they do get back together it's generally because the issues that caused the break-up have been resolved. So in your mind, at the very least, he'd need to come back to you accepting responsibility for everything. It can be tough letting go of someone you care about completely, but for me I set the line at exactly that point: if they come to me with an exact script of things I need to hear and I believe it (it rarely if ever happens), maybe we'll talk then, but for now I've got to move on with my life and we've nothing to discuss. Leave it there with him. Accept the fact you'll likely never hear the words you want and move past this. If he does, you can talk, but if not then nothing good can come of it.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Don't bother. It doesn't sound like it ended on good terms or it sounds like he treated you badly??? Texting him would be lowering your standards and letting him know it was ok for him to treat you badly. Move forward and never look back. The world is full of nice friendly people who will respect you.

He did treat me badly, but I thought that after some time had passed I would get over it and we could be friendly again. I wouldn't generally do this with exes but we were friends for a much longer period than we were going out. Really good friends, and rather than miss the relationship, I miss the friendship. People may not believe me, but I'm not going to lie to a bunch of strangers.

Also- he was the one who so desperately wanted to maintain some semblance of a friendship. Maybe that was suggested to ease his conscience, maybe he actually didn't want to be friends and he was just saying it to be nice. I don't know tbh. I was too hurt at the time to do so and that's why I asked for some time to get over the relationship before we could go back to being friends. He thought it was all alright and cleared up because I was polite and civil but I was just too tired to argue anymore. His favourite role is "good guy" so he's not going to accept any wrong-doing. But you're right, he's probably not worth it and I won't text him.

To the posters telling me to "leave him be", I haven't done anything to the guy. It was just a question. I also never once stated that I thought he'd be waiting for me to text. I would never be so arrogant.

Also my motivation is stated in my OP. I didn't want him to think I was done with him if I ignored his birthday or was being petty in any way. As I thought once the dust had settled, I may be happy to befriend him again at some point. This is me projecting into the future. What harm is firing off a simple birthday message? But as I again stated in my OP, I don't want to re-open lines of communcation so - bad idea. I also stated in my OP that I wasn't banking on a friendship, I'm well aware I still might be angry/ resent him for what he did and how he treated me six months down the line and not want anything to do with him - in fact that's looking probable. The person he was in the relationship vs. the person he was as a friend, are two very different people and that's hard to come to terms with. And as magneticimpulse said there's plenty of other nice people out there so I'll probably continue on as I am, maybe I'll never contact him again. I know if he messaged me now, I wouldn't get back. So it was probably a silly query in the first place, I just wanted to throw it out there.

Thanks for the replies.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, you've kind of answered your own question. You say you might be able to be friends in the future, but now isn't the future. You're not ready yet. You told him you'd contact him when you were ready. He would understandably think if you contacted him now, even to just say 'Happy birthday' that you were making the first contact because you were ready to be friends again.

He probably did/does mean that he'd like to be friends with you. But maybe that's because of the 'good guy' impression he wants to give off. He'd like to be able to say that your relationship just didn't work out, but you're still great friends. You're not! And honestly, you're probably not likely to be.

You're obviously a nice person and that is why you're even considering sending the text. But it will probably only end up hurting you in the long run when he decides it's time to be friends again and is pally-pally with you with no acknowledgement of the hurt he caused you. That won't work for you.

HalloweenJack

I had a bad breakup myself and a while back my ex text me on my birthday.

Tbh, I wasn't bothered and, if anything, I was a bit pissed that she was trying to reestablish contact when there's now nothing between us.

I don't see how this is a good idea. It's sad that someone you were friends with for a long time and who you were very close to for a time is no longer part of your life but that's life, that's what happens when relationships end. You just have to move on.

amtc

Do what I do.send my ex good wishes and his birthday... Virtually... Makes me feel good. But doesn't make him think I'm hung up on him. Actually I do this to all my exs...good memory for dates.

Fridge

You seem to think the only chance of having a friendship balances on whether you send him a message for this particular birthday. I think you should leave it for a few years and get in contact when you're actually over him. He won't be expecting to hear from you unless he knows you're too weak to go without contacting him.

Personally, I find it really stressful getting messages from ex's whether I want to hear from them or not.

Hmm_Messiah

Looks like I am going against the flow here, but I disagree

You had a relationship which included feelings and memories I am sure you still value ( otherwise you would not even be considering any message) and added to that you had a friendship before that which you also valued


I don't get how a message would be so stressful to him - and if not on the big day can be in the days before " I know your birthday is this week so wanted to say..."

IT is possible of course it could create some bad feeling for him, or re open something closed. that's how human communication works - it is equally possible he might feel " its nice so and so remembered my birthday rather than acting like our time together did not exist"

I will only give my own experience to try put my rambling in context. I had a big big big breakup , a very difficult one with more than your usual number of complications . During the period after there was no communication, or at least no two way communication if that makes sense. But certain events were also happening in that time period

A sick relative, a birthday, . .. I sent some messages as I am entitled to have feeling sand wishes and want to express them to some one who was more than a partner or friend. I should point out these were rare - not constant "I'm still her" But I sent a reminder about a business deadline, and a birthday greeting , also something in the world at large happened that matched shared interests so I acknowledged that .

Like I said no on going back and forth chat ( I usually started with "I am not wanting to rekindle communication but didn't want to mot congratulate you on ..."

Much later down the line I got a response - and each of those communications were acknowledged and appreciated. Unknown to me some were sent just at the time some nice words or validation was needed ( Like I said our breakup was complicated by life which was pretty cr&p at the time)

We didn't get back together, we have never spoken in person since. but we were both a little more content that while it didn't work, our relationship had value and meaning

almost a year later I got an unexpected email on my birthday. no words, just an image from online that was so "me" - A THING THAT ONLY WE WOULD SEE THE MEANING IN. I ACTUALLY WAS STUNNED BY receiving it . But also yes it did upset - I got it in the car when heading shopping and started to cry - but even now not sure what I was crying for - it was not sadness, it was not happiness, the best I can say was it was a sense of awareness of how unique each life is, and how unique the part of our lives we share9d) with some one is


IF your heart thinks you should acknowledge the birthday , then go with your heart; you seem to be very well adjusted to the general realities of your post breakup life
you can even word it so it doesn't ignite the things you want to avoid " I don't think its the right time to be back talking etc, but I don't want that to be a reason to miss on sending you good wishes on your birthday..."

LegacyUser

OP here,

His birthday was yesterday and I didn't bother messaging so that's that. It really is a non-issue in the grand scheme of things but just wanted to put it out there to see what other's thought, thanks for all the advice and opinions.