Get over it!!

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,
I split up with my ex over a year ago. We had had a toxic relationship that had been on/off for 3 years. We both did and said some horrible things to each other and we would break up and then one of us would get back in contact again and we'd get back together and the whole cycle would begin again. Row after row.
Now, I realise that this relationship was toxic. And I know that breaking up was the best thing for us, and I have no bad feelings toward her at all but I wish I could just forget about her! I don't think about her every day but it makes me sad when I do as I still really miss her sometimes. I have never been so attracted to someone in my whole life. I have had previous long term relationships and they all paled in comparison to what I had with my ex.
I've dated a few women in the last few months and I don't really feel anything for them. I don't seem to feel much emotion of any type lately. I feel quite numb. Like I'm just going through the motions.
I didn't really think much about it for the first couple of months after the breakup as I knew there would be some time where I was feeling miserable but I didn't think it would last this long. I've had breakups before but nothing like this.
Things are really good in the rest of my life to be honest. I love my job and where I live and I have a great relationship with my family and friends. I just feel a bit empty.
I guess what I'm wondering is, will I ever meet someone again that gets the heart racing?

Dr Crayfish

lackofemotion wrote: »

I guess what I'm wondering is, will I ever meet someone again that gets the heart racing?

You may or may not, it's not set in stone that you meet a partner for life!
Anyway, you seem to be doing ok. It's only been a year, it takes a long time for the feelings to go away so just keep doing what you're doing, maybe don't bother with dating if you're not into it, I'm in a similar situation myself, dates lead to nothing and had me feeling empty as you say. So I'm just not bothering anymore!

magneticimpulse

It's not guaranteed. Best to go out and join meetup.com groups or join girlcrew on facebook to keep busy. By getting out you have more chances of meeting someone you click with.....though like that not everyone meets a soul mate. Sad as it is - sometimes it's better to accept that and see it as a bonus if you do

Ursus Horribilis

The one thing you would need to be wary of is going for someone who gets your heart racing in the way your ex did. There are reasons why you stayed in that relationship for so long. Perhaps you got addicted to the rollercoaster highs and lows and now find normality boring?

HalloweenJack

IME, the better relationships are the "boring" ones. From what you've said, your relationship sounds similar to one I had. Lots of up and downs, very strong sexual energy but at the end of the day, it was just too stressful and wasn't working out because of this. It's just not worth it.

MHickman

I'll play devils advocate here seeing as no-one else has. Is there any chance you still have feelings for this woman? What kind of contact do you have now?

A year can be a long time and people can change. Maybe you both have? Im not saying you should dive back in but sometimes people stay in our heads for a reason. Im not sure you have closed the door fully on this one.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies,
@magneticimpulse, I've no problem meeting people, I've actually come away from any of the dating apps as they get annoying. Its meeting someone that I'm crazy about! Or was it a once off with my ex? Or am I expecting too much?
@Ursus Horribilis, When I said 'heart racing' I meant being excited to see them, being crazy attracted to them etc. Not in a driving me mad sort of way Normality is what I'm looking..
@MHickman, There is zero contact now, there has been none for over 6 months. I think that I probably do still have feelings for her but I definitely don't want to get back with her. I just want to be able to forget about her and not let any feelings I have for her get in the way of future relationships. I met a lovely girl about 4 months ago and we dated for about 3 months. It was great, she was lovely, we got on really well but there was just something missing. I don't know if I was expecting too much from it or if I was using my ex as an excuse. I'm a bit all over the place atm...

LegacyUser

Take it from someone who knows. It'll pass. I went through the exact same thing with an ex. I was convinced he was the love of my life. Went through several rebounds and landed myself in a relationship for several years that I wasn't happy in. I was convinced I just couldn't feel the same way about anyone again. But then after a mutual breakup from my longterm partner I went on a date just to get back into the dating thing and met my now fiancé and couldn't be happier with him. Now I look back and realise it was never real love, just infatuation, drama and excitement and that pales when you find the real thing.

MHickman

If you think you still have romantic feelings for her then Im still devils advocate saying maybe the door isn't closed for you two. And if you are feel that it is then she might always seem like your one that got away. The relationship sounds troubled but rowing can also be about poor communication. Was anything else complicating your relationship? Work, life or money problems? Ex-partners, kids and so on?

You will get over it eventually either way. You will meet someone new!

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be very careful about encouraging someone to return to a toxic relationship just because you're playing Devil's Advocate.

MHickman

Apologies if it came across that way. The poster needs to do what's right for them. My suggestion was it might not be as cut and dried as they want it to be which is why they seem conflicted.

LegacyUser

Again, thanks for the replies.
@MHickman, tbh honest I dont want to get back with her again and I wont but I miss the closeness that we had. I know I will meet someone new and I have met new people, that's not the problem really. I just thought I'd be well over everything at this stage. I'm reluctant to stay with people now because I don't really know if I'm just not in to them or if I'm still not over my ex. Its just annoying really. Thought I'd be well over it now.

Airyfairy12

I'm in a very similar situation, it takes time to meet someone new, especially someone that you have that spark of chemistry with, it'll happen, give it time. x

stanley1989

In the same boat myself man
A year this month to be exact since we split and still think about her often, Sometimes not to much for a week or two then full on thinking about her for the next two weeks does my nut in, Can't offer any advice only head up :-) Let's hope it gets easier

leggo

They say it takes about half the time you were with the person to get over them completely. While there's obviously no science behind that, I've found it's a decent rule of thumb. Of course it doesn't account for just missing having someone in your life so you also have to unpack the aspects you miss that another person could easily provide (company, dates, sex etc) and listen to your feelings then respond accordingly.

The trick is to rebuild your life with a new routine and new things that don't leave you in a position to miss the person. Make the void they left exciting or else you're living in a memory. Grt used to being alone and be happy with your individual life, don't stop changing things until this is the case, then you'll arrive at a place were you want to share this life with someone else.

magneticimpulse

I wasn't implying you had difficulty meeting people - you asked if you will meet someone who will make you feel that way again. I was giving my input to keep busy in the meantime.

From personal experience I met some one like that who had lots of chemistry but we didn't quite communicate about where it was going and it didn't work out ( I thought he was a player). He is unfortunately now settled down I've yet to meet anyone who gets me excited and I've been on dates with 30 guys since. Majority very nice, none that get my heart racing like he did.

I hope what people say is true......that someone better will come along. It's just hard to know when youve not met that person yet!