Living arrangements & trying to be reasonable after breakup

LegacyUser

Myself and my fiancee have broken up. No one cheated or anything, not that I know of anyway, we've just drifted apart and are unhappy together and I can't see us getting back together.

I've moved out of our rented apartment temporarily while we try and sort ourselves out. We need space and living together is obviously not ideal at this time. She has nowhere suitable to go really and I have, so easiest thing was for me to move out.

She's looking for a place at the moment and I plan to stay in our apartment afterwards (that will be strange for a while but probably best solution). However, there are a few issues. She wants me to pay half the rent even though I'm not living there at the moment. Might be ok for a week or two but I think that's unreasonable longer term and it could take a while for her to find somewhere else. She's not earning a huge amount, so not sure how she's going to have enough for a deposit etc. If I don't put anything towards rent, I think she'll struggle to afford our current place by herself.

She only started a new job last month. I paid for everything for the last year or so, while she was out of work. I really didn't mind as we were together years and had split everything previous to that. But now I feel like a bit of a mug & don't want to pay for her any longer. On top of rent there's bills to pay - electricity, broadband etc... I don't feel like paying for these either while not living in the apartment.

I'm looking for the best solution out of a number of bad ones.

1) I help with the rent and stay where I am until she finds a place. I'm not fond of this idea.
2) We live together until she finds a place. Will be very awkward.
3) She leaves and sleeps on someones couch or somewhere else where she won't be comfortable.

All advice welcome. Thanks for reading.

Stheno

How long were you together?

LegacyUser

Stheno wrote: »

How long were you together?

Over 10 years

magneticimpulse

You've broken up - move on and have no contact. Neither of you appear to own the place and it is rented so she should move out and find her own place.

Is she from the area that she is currently living in? She should either move home or sleep on a friends floor. Either way her life is her responsibility. She is an adult and can look after herself. She survived before you existed and she can survive without you. If could afford the rent before she can certainly afford a shared place with other people.

Your ex is not a charity case. The longer you drag it out the longer and harder the breakup will be.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

You've broken up - move on and have no contact. Neither of you appear to own the place and it is rented so she should move out and find her own place.

That's the plan.
This has only happened in the last week & we've had very little contact.
Just trying to do this as amicable as possible. We were together a long time and don't hate each other. The apartment is as much her home as it is mine at the moment. We're living there as a couple for over 10 years. It's not like it was my place and she moved in.

I moved out this week just to give us some space and time to think. With my family I'm lucky and I have a comfortable place to go.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Is she from the area that she is currently living in? She should either move home or sleep on a friends floor.

She is from the area but she doesn't have any great options. Parents place isn't suitable. Other family and friends don't have much room but her sleeping on a friends couch or floor might be the only option.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Either way her life is her responsibility. She is an adult and can look after herself. She survived before you existed and she can survive without you. If could afford the rent before she can certainly afford a shared place with other people.

Your ex is not a charity case. The longer you drag it out the longer and harder the breakup will be.

This was the only serious relationship either of us ever had and we were both living at home before we moved in together. However, I don't doubt for a second that she will survive without me and I understand she's not a charity case. What she does now is 100% her responsibility and she is looking for somewhere to live. Everything will be fine once she finds a place.

This thread is for me trying to figure out what the best thing to do in the meantime is. Call over tomorrow and try talk her into leaving straight away, which she doesn't want to do. Pack her bags, throw them out on the street. Give her another week to sort herself out.

Looking for a balance between being a pushover and heartless pr**k.

Skibunny77

After 10 years, it is obviously going to take time to disentangle yourselves from each others lives. Set a time frame, it is reasonable to give her three months to find somewhere else to live. If you took on a lease together, you are legally entitled to pay your way, regardless of where you live. Be decent, provide short term time limited support so that when you look back you can both feel you treated each other as fairly as you could, in the circumstances in which you found yourself.

Stheno

Guest3009 wrote: »

Over 10 years

Are you aware of changes in law in the past few years that confer rights on her to potentially seek maintenance and a shameful any assets you have?

Merkin

I think the first thing you need to do is give your landlord a month's notice so it will galvanise you both into action. You're just asking for trouble by trying for an amicable breakup but wanting to hold on to the place. Cut ties with it and both of you forge your own future away from the property and have yourselves a fresh start.

In the meantime if you're splitting a month's rent then one of you should have a fortnight in the place to clear your things andqq the other one of you do the same.

magneticimpulse

Guest3009 wrote: »

That's the plan.
This has only happened in the last week & we've had very little contact.
Just trying to do this as amicable as possible. We were together a long time and don't hate each other. The apartment is as much her home as it is mine at the moment. We're living there as a couple for over 10 years. It's not like it was my place and she moved in.

I moved out this week just to give us some space and time to think. With my family I'm lucky and I have a comfortable place to go.



She is from the area but she doesn't have any great options. Parents place isn't suitable. Other family and friends don't have much room but her sleeping on a friends couch or floor might be the only option.



This was the only serious relationship either of us ever had and we were both living at home before we moved in together. However, I don't doubt for a second that she will survive without me and I understand she's not a charity case. What she does now is 100% her responsibility and she is looking for somewhere to live. Everything will be fine once she finds a place.

This thread is for me trying to figure out what the best thing to do in the meantime is. Call over tomorrow and try talk her into leaving straight away, which she doesn't want to do. Pack her bags, throw them out on the street. Give her another week to sort herself out.

Looking for a balance between being a pushover and heartless pr**k.

The relationship is finished. It's over - why do you want to prolong the agony by keeping in contact?? The quicker both of you go your seperate ways the quicker the both of you will get on with your lives. It doesn't matter if it's the "only serious relationship" you had because the relstionship is over. You both have to move on now that it's over. Both of you need to move out of the place. You shouldn't pay any money to her. Just give your months notice and be done.

LegacyUser

Stheno wrote: »

Are you aware of changes in law in the past few years that confer rights on her to potentially seek maintenance and a shameful any assets you have?

Had thought about that briefly before but haven't looked into it in much detail tbh.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I think the first thing you need to do is give your landlord a month's notice so it will galvanise you both into action. You're just asking for trouble by trying for an amicable breakup but wanting to hold on to the place. Cut ties with it and both of you forge your own future away from the property and have yourselves a fresh start.

In the meantime if you're splitting a month's rent then one of you should have a fortnight in the place to clear your things andqq the other one of you do the same.

I have thought about moving myself. But financially it doesn't make sense. Anything of a similar standard is €300 extra a month and I don't want to share with others.

It might make sense for other reasons. A fresh start would be good. I'll think about it some more.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

The relationship is finished. It's over - why do you want to prolong the agony by keeping in contact?? The quicker both of you go your seperate ways the quicker the both of you will get on with your lives. It doesn't matter if it's the "only serious relationship" you had because the relstionship is over. You both have to move on now that it's over. Both of you need to move out of the place. You shouldn't pay any money to her. Just give your months notice and be done.

Relax a small bit.

I'm not in agony. I have no intentions of dragging this out but another week isn't going to make any difference to me. We have to have some contact but are keeping it to an absolute minimum.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Skibunny77 wrote: »

After 10 years, it is obviously going to take time to disentangle yourselves from each others lives. Set a time frame, it is reasonable to give her three months to find somewhere else to live. If you took on a lease together, you are legally entitled to pay your way, regardless of where you live. Be decent, provide short term time limited support so that when you look back you can both feel you treated each other as fairly as you could, in the circumstances in which you found yourself.

I appreciate what you are saying, although I think you're being generous with the 3 months. Definitely want everything resolved faster than that.

magneticimpulse

You said she lives near her parents? Why is their place not suitable? She lived at home before moving in with you so I've no idea why it's such a bad idea for her to live with them? She's hardly going to need to organise wild parties for a month or two while back home ?

cactusgal

Merkin wrote: »

I think the first thing you need to do is give your landlord a month's notice so it will galvanise you both into action. You're just asking for trouble by trying for an amicable breakup but wanting to hold on to the place. Cut ties with it and both of you forge your own future away from the property and have yourselves a fresh start.

In the meantime if you're splitting a month's rent then one of you should have a fortnight in the place to clear your things andqq the other one of you do the same.

This ^^

When my ex fiance and I split up, we shared time in the apartment, I'd stay for a few days while he stayed with friends, then he'd get the apartment for a few days and I stayed with friends.

We did this for about a month, managed to keep the breakup fairly drama-free.

tara73

how is the apartment build, two seperate rooms?? Is it not possible to get a flatmate in renting one room/sharing the bills? there are tons of people looking for a place also short time just for a month or two, gives them space for looking for a permanent place. at least that's in Dublin. would be far better than sleeping on somebodys' friends floor or moving in with the parents again.

would solve the problem.

arayess

i lived with an ex for 6 months or so till the house was sold.
i was buying her share but she wouldn't leave till she got the money.

we didn't fight but it was a pain in the hole.

as for payiong her rent - f that.
you owe her nothing and she needs to support herself like an adult.

if she acts the maggot on that - ring the landlord and cancel the lease

or just disappear on her.

tara73

I'm quite shocked by the many responses to just f** her, cancel the lease and cut her off, disappear on her and all that stuff. Jesus, no wonder there are so many horror stories here...

OP, I understand you completely, I never split on bad terms because I never choose complete a**holes and although it didn't work out romantically we still cared for and respected each other.
You were together with her 10 years, you loved each other, it didn't work out in the end but you still care for each other and want to split on amicable terms. That's very mature.
But I also understand you don't want to pay half rent half bills anymore. If the flatmate solution is not possible, I'm sure there are other solutions like you not paying bills but maybe half or a quarter rent? Or make an agreement she pays you back with the bills when she's on her feet again with her new job? Don't know her, maybe she's not as mature as you are...:cool:

arayess

tara73 wrote: »

I'm quite shocked by the many responses to just f** her, cancel the lease and cut her off, disappear on her and all that stuff. Jesus, no wonder there are so many horror stories here...

OP, I understand you completely, I never split on bad terms because I never choose complete a**holes and although it didn't work out romantically we still cared for and respected each other.
You were together with her 10 years, you loved each other, it didn't work out in the end but you still care for each other and want to split on amicable terms. That's very mature.
But I also understand you don't want to pay half rent half bills anymore. If the flatmate solution is not possible, I'm sure there are other solutions like you not paying bills but maybe half or a quarter rent? Or make an agreement she pays you back with the bills when she's on her feet again with her new job? Don't know her, maybe she's not as mature as you are...:cool:

why should he pay anything?
It's not being an as*hole to say that because you are no longer an item that you don't believe you should financially support somebody.
It's fairly logical.

Your proposal also means they are tied together for a longer period making the break-up more painful/awkward/annoying.

Not to mention making agreements to loan money to ex's is possibly one of the most naive things a person could do.

His ex need to realise that she is single now and with that comes responsibilities than may have been shared in the past.
He owes her nothing , in fact the only person he owes is the landlord.

Imagine the OP met somebody new and it came up that he paid half or quarter his ex's rent.
If he met somebody else , who would that look to a stranger looking in?
It would look pathetic .

ectoraige

If you want to remain in the apartment long term then keep paying towards the rent. If you go on holidays you continue to pay rent, you chose to temporarily leave. If you don't like paying and not staying then move back in. Otherwise start looking for a new place for yourself.

You might find the rental market is different from 10 years ago, don't assume an affordable place for one person may be found quickly. Just because you don't want to share doesn't mean you won't have to. The same applies to her.

Lantus

No one seems to have asked this somewhat obvious question yet but what type of contract do you have and who's names are on the lease?

Your contract is primarily with the landlord. It is they you pay, not each other.

If your jointly liable then you need to both pay unless you can come an arrangement. The fact one or both don't live there is not relevant.

Yellow pack crisps

Jeeze! Some harsh replies! She started a new job, long term relationship ending and finding a new place to live! That's a lot of stress and heartache there if it was me I would just help her out as much as possible and go with the route of paying a month or two and letting her find somewhere to live. You have the option to stay at home for awhile. Amongst all the hurt etc is someone you have loved and known for 10 years or more and just because the relationship ended doesn't mean you can't be a gentleman and see her ok. Perhaps just come to an arrangement that she can pay you back something when she is more settled.

Bandana boy

10 years is a long time , I would be with the poster saying pay everything and give her 3 months to move out . I would not be too worried if this costs you a few euros when put into the context of 10 years.
You paid everything before and are currently with Family so you should be able to afford it.

SarahMollie

Skibunny77 wrote: »

After 10 years, it is obviously going to take time to disentangle yourselves from each others lives. Set a time frame, it is reasonable to give her three months to find somewhere else to live. If you took on a lease together, you are legally entitled to pay your way, regardless of where you live. Be decent, provide short term time limited support so that when you look back you can both feel you treated each other as fairly as you could, in the circumstances in which you found yourself.

I agree with the spirit of this post. If you're both on the lease, then you are both responsible for the rent, even if you're sleeping at your parents for a few weeks. Also from what you've said, it sounds like you moved out to give you both space as it was the most logical option, its not like she kicked you out.

I think you should continue to pay your share for a fixed period of time, like 4-6weeks to give her time to find somewhere new. If you intend to stay in the apartment in the long term, its probably still a good deal for you, and its not like you're paying rent on 2 places because you're staying with family.

You said yourself, it you dig in and refuse to pay half, then her financial situation could worsen and it might actually slow down the process of her moving out of the apartment and finding somewhere new. Its in both of your interests to agree on a limited period of time whereby you're going to continue the status quo from a financial perspective while she makes the necessary arrangements.

You never married so be thankful for that at least - otherwise this situation could be costing you a lot more than a few weeks rent.

Airyfairy12

Id stay there living with her until she finds somewhere else, its not fair to expect her to sleep on friends couches till she finds a place.

Potatoeman

SarahMollie wrote: »

I agree with the spirit of this post. If you're both on the lease, then you are both responsible for the rent, even if you're sleeping at your parents for a few weeks. Also from what you've said, it sounds like you moved out to give you both space as it was the most logical option, its not like she kicked you out.

I think you should continue to pay your share for a fixed period of time, like 4-6weeks to give her time to find somewhere new. If you intend to stay in the apartment in the long term, its probably still a good deal for you, and its not like you're paying rent on 2 places because you're staying with family.

You said yourself, it you dig in and refuse to pay half, then her financial situation could worsen and it might actually slow down the process of her moving out of the apartment and finding somewhere new. Its in both of your interests to agree on a limited period of time whereby you're going to continue the status quo from a financial perspective while she makes the necessary arrangements.

You never married so be thankful for that at least - otherwise this situation could be costing you a lot more than a few weeks rent.

I agee with this but you need to set a clear deadline. You don't want six weeks to go by and then to find out she 's been looking for something she is never going to find.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.
Lots of differing opinions. Was hoping you'd all give me the same answer :-)

pookie82

Break ups where you live together are a nightmare for this very reason. But as someone mentioned earlier, if you intend to move back in and keep this place on your own, then you will probably have to contribute towards its upkeep even when you're not there ... a little like going on holidays, or working away for a month or two. No landlord would let you skip out on rent in those circumstances, I think you should look at it as something like that.

I've been there ... living with an ex when we finished things. I moved in a hurry, we had to break the lease but our LL was luckily very understanding and we got deposits back. I had to pay double rent for a month, though, on the old place and the new, because of moving at such short notice, but I sucked it up. That's just what you do.

You're staying back with your parents right now, right? So not paying anything? I think it would be pretty harsh to tell her she's financially on her own until she gets another place. Especially given you want to move back in there, and so need the property to be "held". There has to be a timescale set out, though, and it needs to be a reasonable one. It would be ludicrous to let it drag for 6 months.

You mention that she can't have a deposit saved ... buying isn't her only option to get out of there. In fact it would be most people's last. If she's saying she wants to be there until she buys somewhere else she's not being pragmatic, the smoothest of sales can take months and months to process. She's going to have to do what many do in this situation ... take a room in a house share or something suitable to get out of there, and then plan from there. There are plenty of grown professionals sharing houses, it shouldn't take too long to get into one of those. Then what she does next is her own "problem", and you have your place back.

Rachiee

Completely agree with the other posters who say think of it like you are holding the flat while away on holiday.

Considering you have been the one paying for the past year it is only fair that you get to keep the lease, but dont forget the reason you want to keep the lease is because its massively below market rate so you are benefitting greatly from continuing with the lease.

The other reason to keep things sweet is that legally she is entitled to maintenance off you so if she is getting stressed and blowing off steam the last thing you want is a friend or work colleague going "have you looked up the co-habiting couples legislation?" you may end up worse off.

Either way she does need a deadline to be out by though. Id also worry that if shes there and youre not whats to stop her going actually I'll stay on here and rent out the spare room. So in that situation you may be better off moving back in til she gets uncomfortable enough to move.

groovyg

Whose name is on the lease OP ? If both your names are on it then you will need to contact the landlord to let him know that the situation has changed.