I think I need friends

segarox

I might be posting in the wrong found but here goes, I have always found it difficult to make friends especially in recent years when I became disabled. I never thought that I could with anyone and I had isolated myself from other people but I'm willing to work on that. Would anyone reading this think that I'd be worthy of their interest? I'm 33, a Dub living in Wexford, and I like reading, writing, playing video games, going to the cinema, going to the pub and going bowling. I watch football but only when Ireland are playing in important matches and I do watch horse racing but I'm not massively into it.

silverbolt

I feel for you OP. I really do.

Is there no clubs/societies you can join around wexford that support your interests?

Airyfairy12

I see posts on here every day from people who find it hard to make friends. Youre not alone. Try meetup.ie xx

LegacyUser

segarox wrote: »

Would anyone reading this think that I'd be worthy of their interest?

You'll find it a lot easier to make friends if you don't start by seeing yourself as potentially unworthy of friendship. Be yourself, assume you're worth knowing, find people who share that belief, get to know them and off you go.

AlabamaWorley

GirlCrew Dublin Guys & Girls Group (on facebook) events held every week to suit interests!

magneticimpulse

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

GirlCrew Dublin Guys & Girls Group (on facebook) events held every week to suit interests!

But the op is in Wexford.

Perhaps there are groups on MEETUP.com based in Wexford? If there isn't a group you could set one up? Or if you are willing to travel for weekends you could attend meetups in Cork; Limerick; galway; Dublin?

Meetup has an app which you can download onto your phone and it arranges groups near to you by what's on day to day.

Bumble app (kinda like tinder) allows you to also search for friends in your area (not just a dating app)

segarox

Have you guys actually met people they chatted to online because according to TV, that's not a good idea. Someone you'd be chatting with could be notorious sex fiend or a psychopathic killer or something. Not that I'm not appreciative of your suggestions.

magneticimpulse

segarox wrote: »

Have you guys actually met people they chatted to online because according to TV, that's not a good idea. Someone you'd be chatting with could be notorious sex fiend or a psychopathic killer or something. Not that I'm not appreciative of your suggestions.

????? You might be watching too much tv and stories in America about Craigs list!!!

Yes I've been actively online dating since 2000 (16 years) and doing meetup since 2008. Before that I did yahoo groups from 2002. I've also gone to some girlcrew events but overall I find meetup events easier to find on the app and more broader.

I've also done car sharing across Europe via online. And I've met people who were couch surfing. Not to mention doing air bnb. I go on holidays via online tour companies....

All my friends are via people I met online.


Nobody has murdered me yet!!!

Shint0

Guessed wrote: »

You'll find it a lot easier to make friends if you don't start by seeing yourself as potentially unworthy of friendship. Be yourself, assume you're worth knowing, find people who share that belief, get to know them and off you go.

Depending on where someone lives in the country it can make it more difficult particularly if they live in rural Ireland. Add any type of disabilty on to that and it can be even more isolating for some people.

OP, do you have access to transport and are you able to get out and about independently or do you have to rely on others? That can often make a huge difference in terms of being able to develop a social life.

magneticimpulse

Shint0 wrote: »

Depending on where someone lives in the country it can make it more difficult particularly if they live in rural Ireland. Add any type of disabilty on to that and it can be even more isolating for some people.

OP, do you have access to transport and are you able to get out and about independently or do you have to rely on others? That can often make a huge difference in terms of being able to develop a social life.

I knew more people living in a rural area as oppose to dublin. People assume you have lots of friends in a city and don't invite you out and pretty much ignore you.

A rural area means people are more likely to know each other - so there is actually more opportunity to build good networks and friends in a rural area. I would say it's more difficult in a city to meet people as so many come and go and not many stick around.

Shint0

magneticimpulse wrote: »

A rural area means people are more likely to know each other - so there is actually more opportunity to build good networks and friends in a rural area.

Definitely not the case. Isolation in rural Ireland is a social disease especially for some people who don't have access to a regular transport service.

The question I was asking the OP was more in terms of his independent living skills as well as access to transport as he mentioned he has a disability and how much that might impact on his ability to form friendships and meet up with people regularly.

magneticimpulse

Shint0 wrote: »

Definitely not the case. Isolation in rural Ireland is a social disease especially for some people who don't have access to a regular transport service.

The question I was asking the OP was more in terms of his independent living skills as well as access to transport as he mentioned he has a disability and how much that might impact on his ability to form friendships and meet up with people regularly.

It might be the case for you. It definitely was not the case for me.....it's a broad generalistion that its a soical disease. I dont know any of my neighbours in dublin and i grew up in this house...I dont have any friends more than a year in dublin and im born and grew up here....whereas knew every one in the rural town i live in - from the person in the shop; the random people you see potting about....I wouldn't have spoken to my neighbour for more than 20mins in the 36 years living next door to them in dublin. Cities can be just as lonely as a rural area as people tend to keep to themselves.

...the op could be living in Wexford city

segarox

Shint0 wrote: »

The question I was asking the OP was more in terms of his independent living skills as well as access to transport as he mentioned he has a disability and how much that might impact on his ability to form friendships and meet up with people regularly.

I live in Wexford Town and I have a motorised chair. I can get out regularly into the town but I don't have access to transport.

Shint0

magneticimpulse wrote: »

it's a broad generalistion that its a soical disease.

Statistics from the recent census relating to rural isolation along with higher rates of suicide in rural versus urban areas and plenty of anecdotal evidence suggest it is in no way a broad generalisation.

The issue here has been about trying to establish a little more detail about the OP's situation in order to identify any obstacles which might be prohibitive in him forming friendships in order to make practical suggestions. Some suggestions, while well intentioned, may have no relevance if we don't know the OP's situation. People with disabilities face very real challenges in society in terms of accessible transport, accessing employment and developing recreational opportunities and are at high risk of social isolation so it's not surprising the OP is in this situation.

OP, if there is a branch of the Irish Wheelchair Association in Wexford is it possible for you to get more involved in any activities they might have to offer. While it's good to try to develop a mix of friendships with people with and without disabilities it can be easier initially to develop more confidence by getting a little more involved with the natural supports that already exist for people with disabilities.

I'm not sure if you are in employment or not but through using supports which are available to people with disabilities to access employment this may also help you to develop confidence and meet other people through work where you might be able to develop further social opportunities and meet people.

You could also consider getting involved in a local political branch as it's a way to meet lots of different people and be a voice for people with disabilities who are largely invisible and underrepresented in politics. While it can be more difficult to form friendships as people get older I think it's more important to engage in social activities to prevent yourself becoming further isolated and then closer friendships may develop naturally as a result of that.

Airyfairy12

magneticimpulse wrote: »

It might be the case for you. It definitely was not the case for me.....it's a broad generalistion that its a soical disease. I dont know any of my neighbours in dublin and i grew up in this house...I dont have any friends more than a year in dublin and im born and grew up here....whereas knew every one in the rural town i live in - from the person in the shop; the random people you see potting about....I wouldn't have spoken to my neighbour for more than 20mins in the 36 years living next door to them in dublin. Cities can be just as lonely as a rural area as people tend to keep to themselves.

...the op could be living in Wexford city

What do you mean a 'rural town'? a town isnt rural. Rural implies country side. I grew up in the countryside with no transport, trying to get a lift in the road to see friends was impossible, I might aswell have been asking for a lift to the airport, I ended up with no social life and know hardly anyone in my town because of it. If youre having a hard time meeting people in a city then you could make more of an effort by joining clubs, online meet ups, theres regular get togethers for all types of interests

magneticimpulse

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

What do you mean a 'rural town'? a town isnt rural. Rural implies country side. I grew up in the countryside with no transport, trying to get a lift in the road to see friends was impossible, I might aswell have been asking for a lift to the airport, I ended up with no social life and know hardly anyone in my town because of it. If youre having a hard time meeting people in a city then you could make more of an effort by joining clubs, online meet ups, theres regular get togethers for all types of interests

I call Dublin "town" as opppse to a "city".

I was living in the countryside in the west where the nearest McDonald's/nando's/hospital/shopping centre/tesco was a 2 hour drive away. My nearest nightclub was an hour drive away. There was no public transport besides the gardai picking you up off the road after a night out to take you home so I wouldn't get knocked down walking unlit country roads....thats what I mean by rural "town"!!!!

Thanks for the advice but if read by first response to the OP I was the one who suggested to them to join clubs/meetups. I also mentioned that I've been doing that since 2000!!!!!

I've plenty of friends in dublin but they are all foreign - they are not from Dublin as the Irish people I knew have all left with the recession or when they got married and had kids they were never to be seen again! I was pointing out that in a city you might not even know or talk to your neighbour - I'm pointing out that just because people live in a city doesn't mean they are better off!!! look at those 2 brothers in dublin who died and it was 7 weeks before anyone knew one was dead....then the neighbours commented that they had never spoken to either of the brothers despite being there 30 plus years.

Loneliness and no friends can occur everywhere. What's important is trying to build a circle of friends and not being afraid to put yourself out there and call people. Technology should be making it easier for us to connect and reach out.

Can you get a modified car OP that is funded for because of your disability?

segarox

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Can you get a modified car OP that is funded for because of your disability?

Well I could but I can't drive but I can get the train to Dublin (kind of annoying really) but I would still be nervous about meeting people online as I've watched all those cautionary episodes and movies in the 90s about meeting people online.

Mongfinder General

magneticimpulse wrote: »

????? You might be watching too much tv and stories in America about Craigs list!!!

Yes I've been actively online dating since 2000 (16 years) and doing meetup since 2008. Before that I did yahoo groups from 2002. I've also gone to some girlcrew events but overall I find meetup events easier to find on the app and more broader.

I've also done car sharing across Europe via online. And I've met people who were couch surfing. Not to mention doing air bnb. I go on holidays via online tour companies....

All my friends are via people I met online.


Nobody has murdered me yet!!!

How many people have you murdered?

segarox

I think I know what's wrong with me, I think I have Social Anxiety Disorder and that I socially isolate myself. This mostly all started when I became disabled, I thought everyone was out to get you and nobody could be trusted. I thought people were all like vicious animals waiting and watching to see if I did something foolish and embarrassing so they can relentlessly torture me for it. I was also bullied by some flash Wexford gob****e before I was disabled in a place called Youthreach, he kept calling me a ****** in front of his friends to make himself feel big but I'd say he was doing it because he was jealous of the fact I was friends with his ex-girlfriend.

twill

Becoming disabled and transitioning to a radically different lifestyle, one which suddenly curtails all the freedoms and responsibilities that you formerly took for granted, can be extremely traumatic. It's like a catastrophic event where you are left to deal with the aftermath, and if you have pre-existing issues or anxieties, they can be multiplied. I'd do a bit of reading around the issue and bring it up with your doctor. If you are on the medical card, you are entitled to 6-8 counselling sessions. Link. Don't be discouraged if your doctor doesn't take you seriously if you mention counselling, though, just ask for a referral.

In terms of socialising, maybe start small and don't worry if it takes a while to get used to the mechanics of socialising again. I'd start with low-pressure events to acclimatise. Other posters have good ideas. Are you interested in history/geneaology? There is a Wexford Historical Society. The great thing about going to talks is that you don't have to contribute if you don't feel like it. (I don't know whether the tours they have are wheelchair-friendly.) There are a lot of great talks, free events and meetups in Dublin, too, if you felt like a day trip. Once you're comfortable, you could start a more focused attempt to meet people.

segarox

Just to satisfy my own curiosity, how many people here would go out on a date with a disabled person?

segarox

Just to satisfy my own curiosity, how many people here would go out on a date with a disabled person?

Airyfairy12

segarox wrote: »

Just to satisfy my own curiosity, how many people here would go out on a date with a disabled person?

My friends in a relationship with a guy who's in a wheelchair, he was in a car accident 12 years ago when he was in his early twenties and was paralyzed from the waist down, theyve been together for 4 years. If someone clicks with you and feels a strong connection they'll likely over look your disability. Some people wont but the right ones will.

K_P

segarox wrote: »

Just to satisfy my own curiosity, how many people here would go out on a date with a disabled person?

OP, even the way you've phrased this sound defeatist, like you're expecting no one to say yes.

To answer your question, I've never been asked out by someone with a disability so I couldn't give an answer based on my own experience. If I liked the person, clicked with them, felt chemistry with them, found them attractive, then yes I would go on a date with someone with a disability.

Your attitude of thinking you're unworthy of anyone's friendship or time, is much more likely to be a turn off rather than the fact you're a wheelchair user.

Since you first posted, have you looked into any of the meetup groups suggested to you? They're a way that a huge amount of people meet new friends and partners and I can think of precisely zero cases of people in Ireland being murdered by members of an online meetup group. The modern world can make it hard to make connections, despite all the communication tools at our fingertips. These groups will be full of like minded people in a similar position to you. I would strongly encourage you to check some of them out. You will not be murdered.

LegacyUser

Hey op - yes I would.

As the previous poster said - my focus wouldn't be on the disability - but on the personally of the person. If there was attraction and chemistry then i definitely would. Of all the dates i've been on over the past few years - the best dates by far have been the ones where both personalities have clicked. Looks mean very little if there is no conversation or chemistry.

Im a guy in my mid 30's and find it hard to meet people too. Generally it's very hard I find - so you are most definitely not alone. Keep trying new things, new groups, everything and anything that you think might interest you. Cinema clubs if you like movies, there's lot of stuff on you might not ever consider. If you enjoy something like art - then a life drawing class? If music interests you then a music class or gigs? Even if you dont think you enjoy any of these things - trying something new is great. Opens the mind - and you could meet some of the best friends of your life.

Best of luck

charlietheminxx

Another recommendation for meeting people online here!

I have a couple of friends in Dublin but a lot of them moved away in my early/mid twenties. I wanted to go to a music festival in the UK one summer and I had no friends that were willing or able to go. I joined online forums and met other people that were going alone and we all went and had a big meet up in Glasgow a couple of months in advance of the festival to have drinks and get to know each other. I really clicked with one of the girls and she quickly became one of my best friends. I had a ball at that music festival and my friend has now moved to Ireland (after visiting here a heap of times and falling in love with the country and also one of my male friends).

There are loads of sensible guidelines for meeting people online - meet in a public place initially and try to do so in a group. It's no more dangerous than meeting strangers in a pub.

I've dated a guy with a disability in the past also. You'll meet someone who won't care or will see past it. You just gotta be positive and get out there!

segarox

Shint0 wrote: »

OP, if there is a branch of the Irish Wheelchair Association in Wexford is it possible for you to get more involved in any activities they might have to offer. While it's good to try to develop a mix of friendships with people with and without disabilities it can be easier initially to develop more confidence by getting a little more involved with the natural supports that already exist for people with disabilities.

I can't, disabled scare the **** out of me

charlietheminxx

segarox wrote: »

I can't, disabled scare the **** out of me

Do you think maybe that’s why you’re worried about finding friends? If you’re not willing to be friends with disabled people, you feel maybe other people will think the same way?

Honestly I’m having a hard time understanding how you can say disabled people scare you while you’re struggling with a disability yourself. They’re people with their own lives and their own issues, just like you.