Fiance threw old some of my old t-shirts

lifeandtimes

Hey everyone

This might seem petty but I just would like feed back.

My fiance and i have been seeing each other 2.5 and have a baby together. Both of us late 20s

The last month or 2 shes been joking that i should throw out some old clothes,iv initially brushed it off as a joke and then outright said i wouldnt as i like all my tshirtd and got them because i did like them,some from specific online stores relating to tv shows i like or at concerts of bands i like.

I came home today ti find some but not all my shirts gone.

She sais threw them out as they were old and raggy,in my opinion they werent but mayne 1 could have been which i cam accept.

We arent talking now as i got annoyed that she threw them out,mainly because they are mine a not hers to throw out,im sure she wouldnt like me going through her things and throwing out stuff I thought was old.

In the grand scheme im sure well get past this at some stage but at the moment im annoyed and would like to know do people think im right or being childish?

coolcat63

Yes, you are right and she's wrong. It's your stuff and she has no right to throw it out especially when you had specifically said you did not want to get rid of them. However instead of sulking and not speaking you need to find out why she did it (not that I can think of a valid answer unless you are incredibly tight on space or they were unwashed and stinky!)

bp

She shouldn't have thrown them out but I do find my OH would keep wearing clothes with holes etc if I didn't make him get rid (he is a pack rat and needs to be made dress appropriately for work).

That said I would never throw his stuff out without asking first.

Stop the silent treatment and speak to her, you are both adults but she should respect your belongings

Shint0

Yes, it was bang out of order especially when you said you wanted to keep them and it was done behind your back when you weren't there. Would it be possible to retrieve them at this stage? Hopefully the rest of your relationship is good apart from that.

silverbolt

As someone who has a hard time buying new clothes ( some of my teeshirts and jumpers are years old) Id go absolutely flip my lid furious if my partner did this to me (she wouldnt do it).

You have every right to pissed OP but how is giving her the cold shoulder going to fix it?

stargazer 68

She definitely shouldnt have thrown them out however has she asked you to move them/store them away etc?

My ex had dozens of old t-shirts - now I mean dozens - with slogans, bands, dates etc on them. He wouldn't get rid of them but insisted on hanging them all in his wardrobe instead of storing them away with the effect that his 'normal' clothes had to be hung in my wardrobe!

Perhaps she has them stashed away - not talking to her is not going to help though.

HelgaWard

Bang out of order, she is in the wrong.

lifeandtimes

Dovies wrote: »

She definitely shouldnt have thrown them out however has she asked you to move them/store them away etc?

My ex had dozens of old t-shirts - now I mean dozens - with slogans, bands, dates etc on them. He wouldn't get rid of them but insisted on hanging them all in his wardrobe instead of storing them away with the effect that his 'normal' clothes had to be hung in my wardrobe!

Perhaps she has them stashed away - not talking to her is not going to help though.

they were in my space in my wardrobe so they werent in her way so there was no need really, iv told her how i feel and she said shell ask before she does it next time but iv said theyre shouldnt be a next time, they are my clothes and if i want to throw them out i will

our relationship is fine other than this tiff

Jimbob1977

Throw out some of her stuff.

"Oh I thought that hair straightener was broken"

"Your childhood diary looked a bit worn, so I chucked it on the fire"

tara73

Jimbob1977 wrote: »

Throw out some of her stuff.

"Oh I thought that hair straightener was broken"

"Your childhood diary looked a bit worn, so I chucked it on the fire"

I know you shouldn't do this, but in theory it would teach her the right lesson.

So what I would do is I would talk to her in a very firm way about it. How she would find it if you threw away some of her clothes because you don't like them. I think you done it already.

I don't know OP, her behaviour leaves a very bad feeling, I mean, it's so disrespectful and controlling that I would ask myself what comes next? You said your relationship is great otherwise but for me it would be a red flag if there's some underlying control freak in her which she didn't showed before but is coming out now.

deisemum

She's bang out of order and it's so disrespectful and controlling behaviour and I would see it as a red flag.

HelgaWard

lifeandtimes wrote: »

iv told her how i feel and she said shell ask before she does it next time but iv said theyre shouldnt be a next time, they are my clothes and if i want to throw them out i will

Did she apologise? I really hope so, the fact that you had discussed this previously but she totally disregarded your opinion and went ahead and threw them out would really bother me. I would really want to know that she fully understands what she did is wrong.

Sapphire

Jimbob1977 wrote: »

Throw out some of her stuff.

"Oh I thought that hair straightener was broken"

"Your childhood diary looked a bit worn, so I chucked it on the fire"

If you are going to go down this route, could I suggest that you just say you chucked her [prized item] and hide it for a week instead? Throwing something she values out is a bit tit for tat and not the most mature way of resolving this.

Her throwing out anything of yours is hugely disrespectful. You are not a child and she has no ownership over you or your stuff to make the decision to dump your stuff. This needs to be nipped in the bud so I'd expect a genuine apology and replacement of the items and a promise never to do it again.

Carlos Orange

Sapphire wrote: »

If you are going to go down this route

Pretty sure that was a joke and whether it was or not the OP should take it as such. Pretty bad sign for someones girlfriend to be ignoring their opinion and throwing out their possessions. Is she controlling/trying to 'fix' you in other ways?

tara73

lifeandtimes wrote: »

they were in my space in my wardrobe so they werent in her way so there was no need really, iv told her how i feel and she said shell ask before she does it next time but iv said theyre shouldnt be a next time, they are my clothes and if i want to throw them out i will

our relationship is fine other than this tiff

recapitulating it again, her reaction when you confronted her about it is just mindboggling. and actually shows the same disrespect: she says she'll ask you next time before she's doing it. good god, she kind of asked you the first time she's done it, you said no, you want to keep them and she's done it anyway. so what keeps her from applying that 'tactic' next time?

it would all be kind of understandable if you had left your dirty shirts lying around the apartment over and over again, her telling you to put them away, you not doing it. but she went to your wardrobe, (I presume you have seperate wardrobes?), ploughing to your private stuff and threw them away.

jesus, I don't know, it's probably some own bad personal experiences but this makes my blood boil..

Bandana boy

Hide a couple of her most expensive items handbags shoes etc and say you haven't worn them in a while I threw them into the charity bags that are always being left at everyone's doors. I guessed from your need to throw out my stuff that we were a bit tight on space.

A taste of her own medicine will get the message home and might be a funny story one day !
After a few days having her own strop you can magic them back into existence.

kylith

I think some peoe are in danger of making a mountain out of a molehill here: she got rid of some old T-shirts, she didn't shred photos of your grandparents.

Yes, what she did was disrespectful, but pretending to throw out her things in retaliation is childish and petty. Ask her WHY she did it. Do you tend to hoard stuff that you have no need for? Were they ripped or worn out? Could you store them somewhere else or make a quilt from them? Tell her that asking before she does it again is not acceptable, and make it plain that she is NOT to do it again.

If she does do it again THEN you have a serious issue, as she is showing no respect for clearly stated issues.

lifeandtimes

kylith wrote: »

I think some peoe are in danger of making a mountain out of a molehill here: she got rid of some old T-shirts, she didn't shred photos of your grandparents.

Yes, what she did was disrespectful, but pretending to throw out her things in retaliation is childish and petty. Ask her WHY she did it. Do you tend to hoard stuff that you have no need for? Were they ripped or worn out? Could you store them somewhere else or make a quilt from them? Tell her that asking before she does it again is not acceptable, and make it plain that she is NOT to do it again.

If she does do it again THEN you have a serious issue, as she is showing no respect for clearly stated issues.

well seeing as shes pretty much through nearly all of my old shirts which i loved there wont be a next time i.e. theres nothing old like that left to throw out

SarahMollie

kylith wrote: »

I think some peoe are in danger of making a mountain out of a molehill here: she got rid of some old T-shirts, she didn't shred photos of your grandparents.

Yes, what she did was disrespectful, but pretending to throw out her things in retaliation is childish and petty. Ask her WHY she did it. Do you tend to hoard stuff that you have no need for? Were they ripped or worn out? Could you store them somewhere else or make a quilt from them? Tell her that asking before she does it again is not acceptable, and make it plain that she is NOT to do it again.

If she does do it again THEN you have a serious issue, as she is showing no respect for clearly stated issues.

I agree. The second you do something "tit for tat" then you're just as bad as she is and the moral high ground is lost because then you'd both be behaving badly. Also, you through out her GHD for example...will she then retaliate against you? Find more stuff thats too old for her taste?

An eye for an eye isnt a good approach to take in a mature adult relationship. Yes she was very silly and thoughtless to do what she did, but she probably is sorry and feeling sheepish right now. Throwing out her stuff doesn't get your things back so its just pointless and spiteful really.

dudara

@ Smokers and Jokers? - welcome to PI. Please read the forum charter before posting again. Your recent posts are not really at the standard expected here.

The same guidance goes to other posters as well.

dudara

tara73

kylith wrote: »

I think some peoe are in danger of making a mountain out of a molehill here: she got rid of some old T-shirts, she didn't shred photos of your grandparents.

did anybody ever throw away belongings of you which you loved? see if you would react that cool if it happens to you.

and he mentioned there were t-shirts from bands he liked, maybe from concerts he had great memories from and maybe they actually were worth more to him than photos of his grandparents.

anyway OP, the opinions here are pretty unanimous. you have every right to be very upset, especially since she's not even remorseful and kind of saying it could happen again. So I don't think it's over the top to hint out the possibility of an underlying control freak crossing boundaries.

ShaShaBear

As a wife to a man who's old tshirts I have most certainly thrown out after YEARS of hounding him (bleach and paint stains, sun-bleached, small enough to fit our toddler, holes the size of craters) and trying to explain that one chest of drawers and 3/4s of a shared wardrobe full of them is not appropriate or fair, I definitely agree that you need to re-think why this is really bothering you. Granted, my partner has also got some band tees and I wouldn't dream of touching them but instead had him vac-pack them away if he wasn't planning on wearing them.
Are you really sure they were in wearable condition and were they really so special a tee that you couldn't possibly replace them?

osarusan

Don't do anything silly in response, and shift the focus onto your behaviour.

"I threw out some of his old t-shirts so he threw away my favourite shoes" portrays you in a very different light to "I threw out some of his old t-shirts even though I knew they had sentimental value and he got quite upset".

What she did was out of order, and especially as it wasn't an accident - she knew you wanted to keep them and did it anyway.

I can understand you thinking you might come across as petty, but I'd be shaking my head too - what did she think gave her the right to do that, knowing that you didn't want it to happen? Does it say something about her respect for you? What did she hope to achieve, other than getting what she wanted?

I don't really get this either:

she'll ask before she does it next time

She asked before she did it this time, and you said no, and she did it anyway. Why would next time be any different?

OP, do you get any indication that she understands she was in the wrong, or regrets it now?

Paddy Cow

ShaShaBear wrote: »

As a wife to a man who's old tshirts I have most certainly thrown out after YEARS of hounding him (bleach and paint stains, sun-bleached, small enough to fit our toddler, holes the size of craters) and trying to explain that one chest of drawers and 3/4s of a shared wardrobe full of them is not appropriate or fair, I definitely agree that you need to re-think why this is really bothering you. Granted, my partner has also got some band tees and I wouldn't dream of touching them but instead had him vac-pack them away if he wasn't planning on wearing them.
Are you really sure they were in wearable condition and were they really so special a tee that you couldn't possibly replace them?

He had his t-shirts in his wardrobe space, so he wasn't taking up needed shared space.

She had no right to do what she did and you have every right to be annoyed. Do not throw out or hide any of her stuff though. Stop giving her the silent treatment and ask her how she would feel if you threw out stuff that she asked you not to. If you get her to see it from your point of view, she is more likely to be genuinely sorry and not do it again.

You are angry now but you will get over it if she agrees to respect your stuff and not touch it without your permission.

Taboola

This might be a bit out there but did you get any of those tshirts of bands/concerts etc when you were with an ex? Could she be feeling jealous that you shared those experiences with your ex and not her?


Not justifying her behaviour BTW, just trying to understand why she'd do something so nasty.

racso1975

Taboola wrote: »

This might be a bit out there but did you get any of those tshirts of bands/concerts etc when you were with an ex? Could she be feeling jealous that you shared those experiences with your ex and not her?


Not justifying her behaviour BTW, just trying to understand why she'd do something so nasty.

Genuinely if that is the reason I would actually pass out Usain Bolt as I fled!!!

Also Taboola the fact you even thought like that has me worried :p:p

Eimee90

ShaShaBear wrote:

As a wife to a man who's old tshirts I have most certainly thrown out after YEARS of hounding him (bleach and paint stains, sun-bleached, small enough to fit our toddler, holes the size of craters) and trying to explain that one chest of drawers and 3/4s of a shared wardrobe full of them is not appropriate or fair, I definitely agree that you need to re-think why this is really bothering you. Granted, my partner has also got some band tees and I wouldn't dream of touching them but instead had him vac-pack them away if he wasn't planning on wearing them. Are you really sure they were in wearable condition and were they really so special a tee that you couldn't possibly replace them?

That's not the point. No body has any right to touch other people's belongings

Rubberlegs

My OH has years and years worth of motorbike event t-shirts, easily 3 drawers of them on his side of the wardrobes. They are faded beyond belief, ripped and out of shape from years of washing. Yes, they drive me mad but I just grit my teeth when it comes to them, he only wears the really bad ones when working in the garden etc.anyway. I'd bin the lot in a heartbeat but I don't have the right to throw his stuff out and it would be bang out of order to do so. Once they don't encroach on my space, leave him off with what makes him happy