am i right to be annoyed

LegacyUser

I am due my first child next month, my sister in law is staying at our house for free for a month and a half. I presumed that she might help out a bit when she's here. Turns out its quiet the opposite. She cooks lots and doesn't wash up any of her stuff for a day or two. I asked that certain areas of the house be kept how I had cleaned them as I'd want to use them if in labour and she has never cleaned them after use. I finally cracked and asked my husband to tell her she needs to tidy up after herself when she hadn't even bothered to wipe down the counter after making her lunch.. I don't even know how she made such a mess when making a sandwich.

Unfortunately my husband thinks I'm over reacting and told her off in a jokey sort of way. Her response was that she's sure I'll get over it.

She is expecting to stay with us for around the same length of time in the new year too. I'm afraid it's pregnancy hormones messing with me and I shouldn't be so annoyed but I can imagine staying with some one for free and not helping with house work when they are 9 months pregnant! We are saving her 100 a week in rent and bills.

Anyway am I right to be annoyed. If it was my sister I'd have told her how I felt by now.

coolcat63

Yes, you have every right to be annoyed! Under normal circumstances I'd advise you to ignore her mess but given your pregnancy you can't really do that. You need to make your husband understand that she either helps out or moves out pronto and finds somewhere else for January. For now ban her from using the parts of the house you need for your labour, end of.

retro:electro

Tell her yourself, she probably takes no heed of her brother telling her anything. A simple "would you mind cleaning up after youself please, thanks", should suffice.

Rubberchikken

tell her what you want her to do yourself. her brother telling her in a jokey way has probably had no effect.
she's an adult and as such, should be contributing, if not financially, then in a practical way to the house while she's there. it's only fair. and if she needs someone to point this out to her then so be it.
good luck

LegacyUser

I'd be having words with you unsupportive husband if I were you. I'm pretty sure your sister-in-law is staying with you through an arrangement he made with her and he's responsible for making sure that arrangement doesn't impact on any of you, particularly so when you're in the later stages of pregnancy. What's more, if he can't back you up and your sister-in-law's attitude and behaviour don't change, I'd be telling her she can't stay again in the new year. If you abuse the privilege of 6/12 weeks free accommodation and you're not considerate enough to tidy up after yourself when it's pointed out to you, I think you deserve the sharp life lesson of having the privilege withdrawn.

The_Conductor

You've a new baby on the way- and an inconsiderate sister-in-law who expects to be waited on hand and foot. If things are bad now- your sole priority when your baby comes home- will be your baby- you do not need the stress of what is in essence an additional child in the house. Is there no-where else she can kip?

Typer Monkey

She's completely taking advantage. I think you're just going to have to say something yourself. It's your home and you have the right to have a guest benefiting from your hospitality treat it with respect. Just calmly tell her she's going to have to clean up after herself and if you discover she's left the kitchen in a mess, call her in and ask her to clean it. Be assertive, you're in the right

MeatTwoVeg

Some people are just plain ignorant. They get away with it because people are embarrassed to call them up on it.
You've nothing to be embarrassed about however, next time they leave stuff in a mess I'd call them over and in a very calm, non confrontational way, ask them to tidy up after themselves. Keep doing this until it eventually sinks in.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I'm going through a lot of strange emotional things at the moment (bit weepy etc) so I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me over reacting.

I think my husband still sees his sister as a teenager and also doesn't want any sort of family arguments. He grew up with them alot from his mother always falling out with people.

But I have decided if she falls out with me because I ask her to do house work then I'm better off not having to deal with someone like that.

So today I am doing up a list of the jobs that need doing weekly in the house and sticking it on the fridge and will let her know she has to pick ones to do because I am physically no longer able to do them. Mentioning the areas that needed to be kept clean was just ignored last time.

retro:electro

Never mind passive aggressive lists! Just say it straight out to her!

The_Conductor

anna080 wrote: »

Never mind passive aggressive lists! Just say it straight out to her!

If she is staying with you- and I don't agree that she should be- the very least she can do is help around the house- and if she makes a mess- she cleans up her own bloody mess- but its far more than tidying up after herself- she should be actively helping out. I honestly don't get people like her- sounds like a little princess.

retro:electro

The_Conductor wrote: »

If she is staying with you- and I don't agree that she should be- the very least she can do is help around the house- and if she makes a mess- she cleans up her own bloody mess- but its far more than tidying up after herself- she should be actively helping out. I honestly don't get people like her- sounds like a little princess.

I agree. But people can be weird, and if they think they are getting away with doing as little as possible then they will continue to do so. Call her out on it. If she's any way normal she'll be mortified into cleaning up after herself. If not and she continues to be a slob then you've a whole other issue on your hands.

LegacyUser

Personally I think the list is only passive aggressive if I stick it on the fridge but never mention it. I intend on telling her she needs to do this work. But if there is no list then she can just continue to ignore it like the stuff I have already asked her to do. I'm sorry I didn't do it from the start but I just figured she'd see work that needs doing and do it! My sister and a friend stayed for a weekend a while ago and did loads as it saved them b&b cost.

Part of the problem is that the house isn't as tidy as usual because I just can't do as much as I used to so maybe she thinks we always live this way.

You very quickly see a different side of someone when you have to live with them. The original plan was that she was staying for the rest of the year and my husband said it would be a great help to me to have someone else there to help out with the baby. Fairly obvious now how that would have gone.

The_Conductor

anna080 wrote: »

If she's any way normal she'll be mortified into cleaning up after herself. If not and she continues to be a slob then you've a whole other issue on your hands.

I strongly suspect its the latter- however, its up to the OP to decide how they want to approach this- and of course there is the family dynamic- so shes in a bit of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

Personally- if I were in the OP's situation- I would be inclined to bite the bullet at the moment- esp. as she has already been dismissed as 'hormonal' by her husband- and lay the letter of the law down- no elongated visits once the baby comes along.

Who in their right mind imagines its normal or reasonable behaviour to land on you for a protracted period of time- with a new baby in the house? That brings the whole concept of thoughtlessness to a whole new level.

I don't see that a passive-aggressive note on the fridge is a viable course of option- the OP needs to talk to her hubby and ensure he gets the message through to his sister properly- her behaviour is unacceptable, period. He also needs to inform her that she has to make alternate accommodation arrangements for the new year- she is not welcome to come in on top of a new mother like a tonne of bricks...........

The OPs husband- regardless of whether his wife is being hormonal or not- should be there to support her, and their new child- other family considerations- only come after. It sounds like he has his priorities arseways.

EmmaMurray2016

God this is shocken. You were good enough to let her stay and that's how she's treating your house. I'd be upset also. It's your house. If someone let me stay I'd bend over backwards helping out.

orthsquel

OP this is your and your husband's house (even if renting) and your home. You are quite entitled to be annoyed and you are quite entitled to speak up and tell your sister in law off for not cleaning up after herself. It is not a house share with strangers or friends, or even a full time house share with a family member. It's your home, where you are going to raise a child in. So it's speak up about it directly with your husband backing you up or letting it go and live with a mess.

If you are going to do up a cleaning roster, then set it up properly. Don't let her choose what household chores she does - she will probably pick the easy ones - and if she doesn't do them, or won't participate then you may want to consider asking her to leave. You don't owe her the favour of saving her money, tbh it doesn't sound to me like she appreciates the saving of money if she is not cleaning up after herself (irrespective if you yourselves were messy folk - which I know you aren't - someone staying would at least make an effort) and treating the house with some sort of respect. Leaving dishes unwashed for a couple of days is selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful, never mind filthy and is unacceptable behaviour...and you should not be accepting that.

I would suggest that you and your husband have another chat, then the three of ye sit down with a cleaning roster, if she doesn't stick to it and isn't respectful with cleaning up after herself, then ask her to leave. At this point I don't think you should be considering a further stay in the near future.

gline

What age is she? 10? Thats no way to treat her brother and sister in law. I'd maybe give her one more chance, if she doesnt start copping on and cleaning up after herself in YOUR house, then kick her out. Is there a reason she needs to stay with you for so long?

eviltwin

How long is she staying? Do you really want another person living there when you have a new born?

Ursus Horribilis

Why is your sister in law staying with you? It sounds like something that's going to end in tears, especially when the baby comes along and everyone is tired and stressed. Emotions could start running high and things said that would be better left unsaid. I don't know why anyone in their right mind would want to stay under the same roof as a new baby anyway.

It's good to see that you're going to have a word with her and get her to clean up after herself. Don't be afraid to keep her on her toes and use your pregnancy to your advantage. Staying in your place might start to lose its attraction if she has to start doing housework. I think you need to talk to your husband about her second stay though. That's not a good idea at all. Again you could use the baby as an excuse here to hammer the point home.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

Had a talk with my husband about it. I said shes treating our house like its their parents house and that's not what it is and she needs to know this. He said the problem is that shes spoilt. I agreed but I had never reaslised how much until she stayed here. He said she is also gone a lot of the day so mightn't have time for house work but I pointed out if she was renting she'd still have to tidy even when busy. We talked about if we should ask her to chip in for bills but this money would just come straight from their dad so wouldn't affect her in the slightest. Shes 25 by the way! I'm pretty sure her parents are giving her pocket money to buy groceries etc!

So shes back here tomorrow and I'm giving her a list of jobs that she needs to do when shes here. And pointing out the place needs to be kept spotless between now and when the baby comes. She's due to leave here just before my due date. And if the stay in January is mentioned I will be telling her she won't be able to stay here as things will be far different for us by then.

My partners mother started family feuds over the stupidest things with every possible relation when he was growing up so I can see it from his point of view why he doesn't want to fall out with someone unless its for a damn good reason. She even managed to fall out with the postman who was the only person she saw everyday apart from her husband and kids. Being inconsiderate isn't enough for me to have a big fight and kick his sister out.

twill

Before you inform your sister in law of any work roster, I would ensure that your husband will back you up on it and enforce it. I would also have him agree to a solid date for her to leave, and stick to it. Don't let anyone persuade you into believing anything other than you are doing her a massive favour and that she needs to do her part; or that making her move out when she is supposed to is "mean" or "not supporting family". You have more than done your bit, and you and your husband need to focus on your own family.

And incidentally, why is it on you to do the clearing up? Where is your husband in all this?

Just read your update. I'm glad you and your husband are discussing the issue and have come to an agreement on the issue of the work load and moving out. I would just clarify with him that setting down rules isn't feuding; in fact, when someone has had a disruptive upbringing it doesn't really do them any favours not to be specific about what you want from them.

leggo

It sounds like you've a lot in your favour. Your husband acknowledges the problem and agrees with you, while you have a perfectly valid excuse to kick her out (if the baby wasn't there she could ramp up the sob story to pressure you guys into staying). But just make sure you don't have to be the bitch in the situation. She's your husband's family and his responsibility ahead of yours, so it should be his job to deal with it.

Xcom2

twill wrote: »

And incidentally, why is it on you to do the clearing up? Where is your husband in all this?

I was wondering when someone was going to mention the husband.

If it is his sister then make him clean up after her.

He should also be doing everything possible to make your life stress free, telling his sister to leave should be job No.1

You have more than enough things to worry about at the moment than his freeloading sister!

CdeC

You presumed she would help out and then you asked your husband to take care of it. Never a good idea. Take matters into your own hands.

She is just living the way she wants and you need to tell her to her face that it's not cool and she needs to clean up more.
Don't sugar coat it or put a list up on a fridge.

There's always teething problems as someone new moves in. You can't just expect her to march to your beat when you haven't shown her the tune.

LegacyUser

Well the list went up. I told her it's what needs to be done and I obviously can't do any of it in my current condition. Funny that my husband has been mentioned as I intended to make her do most of the list tonight and tomorrow but he got to some of them first.

When she got home I told her she needed to Hoover after dinner since he had done the other things. And after dinner she went to her room so I put it in her room and told her which rooms she needed to do. Not sure how impressed she was but all rooms were done. and her wash up was done straight after dinner. So I will just continue like this for the remainder of her stay. But no matter how much she starts helping out now her stay next year is definitely not happening.

I know now I should have just done it this way from the beginning but I really did believe an adult would know to help out in a house they were staying for free!!!

beauf

People like that drive me crazy. You did the right thing.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes, she definitely needed to be pulled up on her laziness, but I do think you were blaming her for a lot that your husband was letting you down on!

You put up a note of everything that you expected her to do, but were surprised that your husband had done some of it. Does he not usually help out around the house? Why would you pick on her, but not him?!

Yes, she should definitely be cleaning up after herself and helping out. But there are 3 grown adults living in the house together. All 3 should be pulling their weight. She's not a live in housekeeper! It was your decision (you and your husband) to let her live rent free. Maybe you should have made it clear from that start that in return for free bed and board you wanted her to be the cleaner.

I think there should be a happy medium here. And just because you're pregnant doesn't make you helpless!! First baby we can all tend to want to spoil ourselves a little bit, but once you have subsequent pregnancies you won't have that luxury... Unless you are going to ask her to move in as housemaid next time you're pregnant?!

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek here, but yes, she should definitely be contributing to the housekeeping duties. But your husband should be too. How are you going to manage when she moves out?