Dating a girl and sort of friend zoned. What should I do here?

Musketeer4

I'm just looking to for some outside opinion on my situation.

Basically I (30m) met a girl (28f) on tinder for a date. We've been 2 dates and tbh I felt we got along really well, had loads in common etc and had good chats and all was well. She suggested coming on a third date when we departed on Monday evening.
But then last night she Whatsapped saying that she'd been thinking during the day and didn't quite feel a spark romantically and that it was a real pity since we got along really well. She said she'd love to stay in touch as friends but she'd understand if I didn't want to.
I was very disappointed to hear this as, tbh, I do like her. I replied that it was a pity and agreed we got on very well, had fun etc and that sure, I'd like to stay in touch for hang outs if she would.
She said definitely yes and that she meant it and wasn't trying to fob me off.
We agreed to meet up some stage next week for a movie or cuppa.

Being totally honest, I'd love to meet up with her again but I'd still be hoping inside that that something would develop out of it.
I suppose it is a possibility that it would develop but it is a gamble.
I am also aware that I may end up torturing myself hoping like this when nothing may come of it beyond friendship.
But on the other hand, I'm in a new city a good friends are few and far between. Perhaps a friend in the hand is worth two in the bush.

What are your thoughts on this?

Don't pretend to be her friend if you have an ulterior motive.
And don't try to convince someone who doesn't want to be with you.
If you can hang out with her and stop hoping for more go for it, otherwise meet up then have a little space and make more friends

silverharp

just cut and move on, being cynical I would say she just wants you in the background as a potential option at some stage. it will only drain you emotionally especially if you still fancy her

beks101

Musketeer4 wrote: »

She said definitely yes and that she meant it and wasn't trying to fob me off.
We agreed to meet up some stage next week for a movie or cuppa.

Not to diss her as I do applaud her honesty, but "let's just be friends" is what someone says when they don't want to date you but don't want to hurt your feelings either. It's the oldest "fobbing off" line in the book.

I'm sure she thought you were great craic and the idea of inducting you into her circle of "fun people to hang out with" sounds like a great idea to her, but it's not exactly what you're after here, is it? A guesstimate would be you'll never meet up again, as friends or otherwise, and she'll be back on tinder (if she's not already) looking for "the one" before you know it. And you will too.

The only other option is that you DO meet up as friends and you get to hear about all her dating woes and wins from tinder until she finds a boyfriend and has no time for you.

My personal choice in this scenario would be the first one. Forging a friendship with someone you fancy who doesn't fancy you back is never a good idea.

batmanrobin

But you wouldn't really be friends with her, OP. As another poster said, you'd just be pretending.

Honestly, this is more hassle than it would be worth. You will only melt your brain by trying to be friends with her all the while hoping it will turn into more. Put a bit more value on yourself. You've already been on two dates. It just isn't there for her. Don't waste your time. Really, there'll be others you can actually date and who will be romantically interested in you.

Shint0

If you like somebody but they're not interested there's really not much point hoping they might change their mind. I think you know that by this stage and don't use the situation because it would be a handy way to make friends where you're living. You might start to like her even more if you were to take her up on that offer which as others have said is a common excuse for trying to let you down gently.

Mr. Incognito

You are not her friend.

You were dating.

Move on.

Katgurl

I believe she means it and is disappointed she doesn't fancy you because she enjoys your company and would like to keep you in her life.

I don't believe this will go well if you are secretly hoping something will develop.

Either accept or decline her proposal to be friends.

Musketeer4

Thank you all for your input.

While I fully realise that I may be on a hiding to nothing in going along with this, I think I am going to just take the gamble on it and see where it leads. I'd be happy to make a friend and if it ever should turn into something more, that's a bonus but I accept that it is not likely. Worst case is that we are neither friends nor romantically involved.

cookiexx

Musketeer4 wrote: »

I'd be happy to make a friend and if it ever should turn into something more, that's a bonus but I accept that it is not likely.

It won't turn into something more though. She's been very clear about that. Don't be that guy who secretly fancies his mate and is hanging around hoping that some day she'll wake up and realises she does too. You'll end up wasting so much time and emotional energy on her to the detriment of some other girl who would be a far greater match.

Shint0

That arrangement might work if you're happy enough with it and accept that nothing might happen or she may get involved with someone else. Sometimes even exes can keep in touch from time to time and remain friendly even where there's no longer any romantic interest.

gossamer

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Being totally honest, I'd love to meet up with her again but I'd still be hoping inside that that something would develop out of it.
I suppose it is a possibility that it would develop but it is a gamble.
I am also aware that I may end up torturing myself hoping like this when nothing may come of it beyond friendship.

This is all that matters. I wouldn't go any further with it.

Musketeer4

Funny thing is I've been on the other side of this situation with a girl I'd met just weeks previously off tinder and I'm actually in the same position currently with another one that I dated a few weeks ago and meeting again on Sunday.

Yeah they are both nice, decent, genuine girls, good to chat with and fun but at the same time I don't see them as relationship potentials. First was was a little odd though so I told her we'd leave things be. Second one though that I'm meeting seems keen but I could only ever see her as a friend and I think I need to tell her so I'm not leading her on.

Man, trying to find someone compatible is a pain in the hole whatever side you're on.

baby and crumble

I'm no trying to be rude, OP, but you weren't "sort of friendzoned" as per the title of your post.

You were told this woman doesn't want a romantic or sexual relationship, but likes you as a person and would like to remain friends.

You have to respect that, because hanging around in the hope you can wear her down or that her feelings will eventually change is just creepy.

Also, the "friendzone" is a nonsense. There are friendships and romantic/ sexual relationships. Men and women can be in both with whomever they choose. One isn't inherantly better than the other.

Realt Dearg Sec

You'll have great craic being her friend when she starts going out with other lads, having sex with them and talking to you about how it's going with them.

thalia_13

What if your recent ex says that he loves you and wants you in his life but as friends only.
I can't imagine telling this once lover now friend about my forays back into dating. I know it would absolute devastate me when he dates again too.

However this is after a deep intense almost yr long relationship, it's a different circumstance for you it's only been a few dates.

I think it's plausible you and this girl can stay friends I have maintained some friendships with lads I dated before himself. I knew I wasn't into them so it's easier.

Realt Dearg Sec

thalia_13 wrote: »

What if your recent ex says that he loves you and wants you in his life but as friends only.
I can't imagine telling this once lover now friend about my forays back into dating. I know it would absolute devastate me when he dates again too.

However this is after a deep intense almost yr long relationship, it's a different circumstance for you it's only been a few dates.

I think it's plausible you and this girl can stay friends I have maintained some friendships with lads I dated before himself. I knew I wasn't into them so it's easier.

Yeah but he's already said he doesn't want to be her friend, he wants to stay hanging around with her to see if she changes her mind and decides to go out with him. If he wanted to be her friend there'd be no problem in the first place.

thalia_13

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Yeah but he's already said he doesn't want to be her friend, he wants to stay hanging around with her to see if she changes her mind and decides to go out with him. If he wanted to be her friend there'd be no problem in the first place.

He's just hopeful, and I guess it's hope that drives us all...

tara73

thalia_13 wrote: »

He's just hopeful, and I guess it's hope that drives us all...

yeah, most of the time, hope is a positive and good thing, but in this case, as all the others have pointed out, the hope will hurt him further. she made it very clear she's not interested romantically in him. he is. means trouble ahead if they stay 'friends'.
so the posters here have the intention to help the OP in saving him the heartbreak instead of giving him false hope.

thalia_13

tara73 wrote: »

yeah, most of the time, hope is a positive and good thing, but in this case, as all the others have pointed out, the hope will hurt him further. she made it very clear she's not interested romantically in him. he is. means trouble ahead if they stay 'friends'.
so the posters here have the intention to help the OP in saving him the heartbreak instead of giving him false hope.

Yeah everyone is right he should not pursue it as she has been honest and said no its just friendship.
I'm in the midst of a break up where he (my ex) really wants to pursue a friendship, basically wants our relationship to continue minus the commitment part... I know it's for his benefit and I ought cut him off completely but I guess I'm slightly pinning hopes he will regret this decision and actually commit.
And I know he won't deep down, yet I'm being blinded by hope so it's colouring my advice to the Op.
Apologies op, don't listen to a sad heartbroken harpy like me. Everyone else has offered solid advice, in a few weeks you will have dated a few other ladies and might not even have time to be friends with this lass.

mada82

You are the reason why some people are apprehensive about men and women being friends when they have a partner.

Hanging around in the background waiting to pounce at a low moment.

Realt Dearg Sec

mada82 wrote: »

You are the reason why some people are apprehensive about men and women being friends when they have a partner.

Hanging around in the background waiting to pounce at a low moment.

Uh...if someone is so insecure that they don't even like their partner having a friend of the opposite sex, they're the problem, not the friend.

mada82

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Uh...if someone is so insecure that they don't even like their partner having a friend of the opposite sex, they're the problem, not the friend.

It wouldn't be a friend though, it's someone posing as a friend hoping for more.

Musketeer4

Thats for all the advice. The verdict is fairly unanimous.

Look, I was sad to hear she had no interest romantically because I really did like her, had a great laugh out and she's sound.

I'm disappointed but I'm sort of resigned to the fact that there'd never be anything there.
I'm short on friends so I would like to make a new friend to hang out and do things with but given the complicating factor of my like for her, it's probably not a good idea.

Should I whatsapp her back saying I've changed my mind and not coming out monday, or go out monday and tell her then we should leave it be or should I just go off the grid on the whole thing?

baby and crumble

My advice is to message her and tell her that having thought about it, you think because you do still like her romantically, it would be difficult for you to remain purely as friends.

That way everyone knows the score, you've been honest and no-one can accuse you of an agenda. Plus it's nice to end on a positive.

Just my 2c though.

Rekop dog

Just nip it in the bud now.

If you like her to the point after two dates were it hurts to just be friends now it's probably an indicator as to where you went wrong in the first place. You shouldn't invest too much early as A, it comes across too desperate to the other person and B, it's harder to deal with the inevitable fall after.

Musketeer4

Well no, its not that it would hurt to be firends. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't all over her any anything of the sort. If anything I felt I wasn't warm enough, I wasn't affectionate at all bar a heelo/goodbye hug.
When we hung out it seemed to have more the dynamic of a friends hang out.

I would like to be friends with her also. I am short of friends these days so that would be good. But because I like her beyond that, its a bad idea.

I texted her cancelling Monday's meetup. She's seen it but no reply.
Case closed.

Musketeer4

The more I think about it I'm coming to the conclusion that I was being kept handy on the line as a B-man. I'm sure this girl has plenty of friends....why go enthusiastically striking up another friendship with a relative stranger?

Shint0

Musketeer4 wrote: »

The more I think about it I'm coming to the conclusion that I was being kept handy on the line as a B-man.

Not necessarily. You've admitted in your previous post that maybe you didn't show her enough that you were interested in her and perhaps that's what she was going by. You're opening up here now and saying how much you actually did like her so maybe wires got crossed and you didn't indicate enough to her how you felt. That can sometimes happen if people don't have much previous experience with dating. It might be something you could work on the next time you meet someone you like.

Musketeer4

Yeah, maybe. It's all the one about it now anyway!!

baby and crumble

Musketeer4 wrote: »

The more I think about it I'm coming to the conclusion that I was being kept handy on the line as a B-man. I'm sure this girl has plenty of friends....why go enthusiastically striking up another friendship with a relative stranger?

Because people like having friends?

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet to everyone else. If you like someone be their friend. If you fancy them ask them out. If they don't fancy you that's ok.

?

tara73

Shint0 wrote: »

Not necessarily. You've admitted in your previous post that maybe you didn't show her enough that you were interested in her and perhaps that's what she was going by. You're opening up here now and saying how much you actually did like her so maybe wires got crossed and you didn't indicate enough to her how you felt. That can sometimes happen if people don't have much previous experience with dating. It might be something you could work on the next time you meet someone you like.

It's highly unlikely that she's send the statement because of this. sending a text saying she's not romantically interested is a very clear statement and very much her own feelings especially after such short amount of time. If she would have been just the slightest interested, she would have waited and hoped he's just shy and to give it some time.

Katgurl

Musketeer4 wrote: »

The more I think about it I'm coming to the conclusion that I was being kept handy on the line as a B-man. I'm sure this girl has plenty of friends....why go enthusiastically striking up another friendship with a relative stranger?

Maybe she enjoys your company?

I don't understand this level of suspicion.

She's told you she's not romantically interested. How is that keeping you handy?

Honestly I find it incredibly annoying when I speak to someone in an honest way and they fail to hear what I'm saying so I'm irritated on this girl's behalf. She has suggested in staying in touch as friends and also told you it's fine if you don't want that. I'm not surprised you liked her and thought she was sound, she seems sound based on what you've told us.

You haven't been 'sort of friendzoned'. She isn't giving you a "maybe down the line" spiel. She's been clear. If you're not into being friends then that's cool too but no need to start imagining elicit motives.

Sandroute

Musketeer4 wrote: »

I'm just looking to for some outside opinion on my situation.

Basically I (30m) met a girl (28f) on tinder for a date. We've been 2 dates and tbh I felt we got along really well, had loads in common etc and had good chats and all was well. She suggested coming on a third date when we departed on Monday evening.
But then last night she Whatsapped saying that she'd been thinking during the day and didn't quite feel a spark romantically and that it was a real pity since we got along really well. She said she'd love to stay in touch as friends but she'd understand if I didn't want to.
I was very disappointed to hear this as, tbh, I do like her. I replied that it was a pity and agreed we got on very well, had fun etc and that sure, I'd like to stay in touch for hang outs if she would.
She said definitely yes and that she meant it and wasn't trying to fob me off.
We agreed to meet up some stage next week for a movie or cuppa.

Being totally honest, I'd love to meet up with her again but I'd still be hoping inside that that something would develop out of it.
I suppose it is a possibility that it would develop but it is a gamble.
I am also aware that I may end up torturing myself hoping like this when nothing may come of it beyond friendship.
But on the other hand, I'm in a new city a good friends are few and far between. Perhaps a friend in the hand is worth two in the bush.

What are your thoughts on this?

Reply and say you understand, you could tell there was no chemistry there. Wish her the best and start seeing other women.

tara73

Katgurl wrote: »

Maybe she enjoys your company?

I don't understand this level of suspicion.

She's told you she's not romantically interested. How is that keeping you handy?

Honestly I find it incredibly annoying when I speak to someone in an honest way and they fail to hear what I'm saying so I'm irritated on this girl's behalf. She has suggested in staying in touch as friends and also told you it's fine if you don't want that. I'm not surprised you liked her and thought she was sound, she seems sound based on what you've told us.

You haven't been 'sort of friendzoned'. She isn't giving you a "maybe down the line" spiel. She's been clear. If you're not into being friends then that's cool too but no need to start imagining elicit motives.

and he hasn't told us very much, so we don't know any details of their dates which is fair enough. OP knows best and if he comes to the conclusion being kept on line I would trust it.
OP, all the best for you.

leggo

Yeah there's no point looking into motives. Maybe she's one of those girls who collects guy 'friends' they're fully aware are interested for attention and validation on-demand, they certainly exist. Maybe she really does want you as a friend. Maybe she was just being polite and trying to spare your feelings. The thing is though: none of that matters OP. You liked her one way, that wasn't reciprocated, end of story. You're better off just moving on than giving people you met briefly in the past head space.

Shint0

Whatever about whether she liked him or not it sounds like the OP didn't help matters along. The difference between hanging out and being on a date/attracted to someone is there has to be at least some attempt at flirting to signal your interest. Playing Mr. Cool like the OP did when you actually like somebody is not going to help get you past the post. So that's something he needs to keep in mind for the future if he were to meet somebody who might actually like him and think he was just disinterested because of his body language/lack of signals.

Musketeer4

True, in hindsight I could have been a bit more expressive when we dated and communicated better that I did like her.

Anyway at least I learned something.

Its water under the bridge anyway cost I text her last week to say its better we just leave it be since theres no mutual attraction, or whatever.

Thanks folks.

Keyzer

Bin it...

Musketeer4

Yep. Lock it up.

wakka12

cookiexx wrote: »

It won't turn into something more though. She's been very clear about that. Don't be that guy who secretly fancies his mate and is hanging around hoping that some day she'll wake up and realises she does too. You'll end up wasting so much time and emotional energy on her to the detriment of some other girl who would be a far greater match.

I agree with this mostly but just because she said that doesn't mean theres no chance. Ive seen a lot of people get together after a while knowing each other despite one of them saying 'never would I ever' at the beginning of their friendship, sometimes people just fall for each other. It took me almost a year to begin to like my current boyfriend romantically. At first he was just a friend, never thought of him as anything more, but we became closer and I began to see him in a different way. Anyway my point is, never doesn't always mean never

leggo

There'll always but exceptions, but 99.99999% of the time, no means no and never means never, and it's unwise to treat no as 'not now'.

Musketeer4

Thats grand. I declined her friend offer. It was probably just a fobb off anyway. I've had no contact with this girl since and will not be contacting her again.

Case closed.