Guilt about Money

LegacyUser

I need help with the unbelievable guilt I experience getting any financial help off my parents. During the recession my parents, like many others, were hit extremely hard. My dad is self-employed and a fire resulted in him almost going bankrupt. My mother has a well paid job however a lot of our savings were depleted giving my fathers business a dig-out as well as putting two kids through college. Prior to this my family would have been pretty comfortable and I never really worried about money, however seeing my parents stressed during this time really made me aware of what was going on (I was about 16-19 during these years).

Since then things are much much better, however we are not quite back to where we were. I finished my undergraduate degree last year and decided to go straight into an expensive masters degree (I am now 22). I spoke to my parents about it, and we decided to get I would get a credit union loan to fund it, and that they would help me to pay it back over the coming years. Now they already had a small loan for my undergraduate degree but they insisted that it wasn't a problem whatsoever and they were happy to help. Despite this, the guilt I felt during the year caused me insomnia and anxiety, as I felt I was depriving them of doing things like going on holidays etc. It really eats me up inside, and its not something I want to bother them with.

Moving forward to now, I got an email saying I had fees overdue. It turns out I had gotten the figure wrong and my fees were short by €900. I told my mum this and she said she will pay this for me, as at the moment I just dont have the money. This has made my guilty feeling come back worse than ever and I havent slept at all in days. I feel as though I am a huge burden to my parents and using up money they should be enjoying themselves, even though they in no way try to make me feel like this. I feel as though none of my friends in my masters, which were 100% payed by their parents, experienced the same stresses.

TL;DR - How can I shake the huge feeling of guilt I feel accepting any financial help from my parents?

Merkin

Are you working part-time currently?

Del2005

stressedout170 wrote: »

TL;DR - How can I shake the huge feeling of guilt I feel accepting any financial help from my parents?

When you have a high paying job and they can't manage anymore you can put them in a good home and visit regularly. Or just repay them when you can, but if they are anything like my parents it could be difficult.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Are you working part-time currently?

Ive actually just gotten my first full time job, but I wont get my first paycheck for over a month. Only finished my masters in late august, just didn't notice my mistake with fees until now.

But yeah I worked part-time every year that I was in college, never really asked for money for socialising etc.

Sound Bite

Op, you are in a great position now. You are earning and can start paying them back. The €900 is a short term situation and you can have that fully paid off by June at €100 a month. Depending on your salary and other outgoings you might even be able to do this quicker.

Have you considered asking the college if you can back it back in installments considering it is their error?

You could also approach the credit union or a bank if you have a full time contract. Depending on what industry you work in they might be happy to lend you some money.

StupidLikeAFox

stressedout170 wrote: »

I am now 22

How old are your parents? You likely have many years to repay their kindness (not necessarily through monetary means, but just by being there for them when they need it). Also, it's worth keeping in mind that they have probably been planning for this financially from when you were young, so while it may seem like a lot of money to you they will see it as part and parcel of raising a child.

I used to feel a lot like this tbh. But you can be rest assured that your parents don't see this as a waste of money or a sacrifice. They see it as an investment in their kids future.

You are obviously a good person (I know guys who done 4 or 5 college courses on their parents money and dropped out of each one without a thought for them) and I would imagine that your parents would simply feel satisfied to see you progress in life and get a steady job. Might sound cringey but that is generally the only reward a lot of parents seek.

If you are looking for something tangible, save up and buy them a holiday when you eventually get a job. But believe me, there are lots of uncertainties to raising kids, so seeing you happy and living a good productive life is probably worth more to them than the money they have invested in your education

cbyrd

When people have children there's an expectation that they will cost money. I have a girl heading to college next year, no matter the struggle, this is what I would always have expected, that I would help her financially as much as possible.
Talk to your parents, tell them how amazing they are for helping you get to the position you are in now. Treat them to something small but meaningful with your first pay check.
Then make a financial plan if how much you can afford every month to pay them back.
If they don't want the money, save up for a holiday for them..
But talk to them, I bet they'd be horrified to know how much you are stressed over something that comes under the remit of being a parent.
Example:
I had E6.42 in my wallet on Monday, I gave my 14 year old E6 for lunches til Thursday, when I get paid again.. I have emergency money I can use but all my bills and groceries are done til Thursday. If they didn't have it they couldn't give it to you.
They obviously love you very much. Repay it with kindness

LCD

I would hazard a guess that your parents want to help you & support you as best they can. The massive guilt is doing nothing for you & they would probably feel terrible if they knew what was causing it.

Unconditional Love!

When you can afford it get your folks a weekend away, send your mum flowers as a thank you

meeeeh

The best way to repay your parents is to put your education to good use. It doesn't seem like they resent paying for your education anyway and I am sure it will make them happy if you get good career out of it.

I would try to repay 900 euros though, that was an unexpected cost they were landed with. Do it in instalments, I am sure they will appreciate it.

Lux23

stressedout170 wrote: »

Ive actually just gotten my first full time job, but I wont get my first paycheck for over a month. Only finished my masters in late august, just didn't notice my mistake with fees until now.

Ah listen the answer is in that comment, you are due your first paycheck soon so why not set up a Direct Debit to your parents for an amount you can afford to pay back what you feel you owe?

Lux23

Lux23 wrote: »

Ah listen the answer is in that comment, you are due your first paycheck soon so why not set up a Direct Debit to your parents for an amount you can afford to pay back what you feel you owe?

Agreed. Why is this an issue for you now when you've never been in a better position to start paying them back?

BUBBLES1978

agree with most comments here, your parents love you unconditionally and it looks like they would have bent over backwards to help you, just as i hope to do when my lad hits his college years.

Don't feel guilty, just go out there now and make a good life for yourself with the degree you have got.

i would suggest trying to pay back the last €900, but please speak to your parents about how you are feeling don't let this eat you up inside. I'm sure they are just so so proud of you...

Addle

Just be good to them OP and always be there for them.
Plenty of kids take what they get for granted.

Merkin

stressedout170 wrote: »

Ive actually just gotten my first full time job, but I wont get my first paycheck for over a month. Only finished my masters in late august, just didn't notice my mistake with fees until now.

But yeah I worked part-time every year that I was in college, never really asked for money for socialising etc.

Well that's good, you'd have more of a reason to feel guilty if you weren't at least contributing in some way. I'd say they are happy to have helped you. If I were you I'd set up a direct debit of €150 over the next six months which will see the €900 reimbursed and then treat them to little treats on an ad hoc basis so things like theatre tickets or lunch out etc. You sound so conscientious and I'm sure they are very proud of you so don't be so hard on yourself. Well done on securing a job so quickly and good luck with it.

LegacyUser

OP I had a similar situation to yourself. I looked at studying in the US which was very expensive and my parents offered to pay. I agreed then regretted it and was making myself very anxious worrying about it so I sat down with them and said I would get a loan or something to help pay and my mum actually got really annoyed at me. Why would you put yourself in debt if you didn't have to is what she said. I asked over and over if they were going to be short and missing out because they were paying for me. My mums view was it was her money and she wanted to spend it on me and she'd rather give me money now and see me use it well and enjoy my life then have me inherit some money when she was gone.

It didn't make everything ok straight away and I still felt guilty that I had that privilege others don't but as long as you are aware of it OP and appreciate what they did you can find a balance. My mum was dead right that I shouldn't put myself in debt when I didn't need to. I saw friends struggling and it made me really really appreciate what I was given and I worked hard to get as much out of my time in the college as I could. My parents helped both me and my brother out a few times after that with deposits etc and now we both at a stage were we are earning good money. I offered to give my mum (my dad has sadly passed away) money each week to pay her back but she refused so instead I pay for trips for the two of us.

The key OP is to just communicate with your parents and make sure they are honest with you that they are not short when helping you out. You worry they are missing out by not spending that money on themselves but it's their money and their choice to spend it on their kids just as much as it's their choice not to spend it on their kids.

forestgirl

Del2005 wrote: »

When you have a high paying job and they can't manage anymore you can put them in a good home and visit regularly. Or just repay them when you can, but if they are anything like my parents it could be difficult.

Repay them by putting them in a good home 😂

deisemum

OP I've got 2 lads in college, the older lad has just started his last year and the younger lad has just started his first year.

The older lad has a part-time job so hasn't really cost us a lot since he started college but he's after coming back from the J1 and has a lot of expenses at the moment but should be back on track once he has a few weekends worked but my husband and myself have been on to him that we can help out until then but he's being too proud to accept our help. We've told him we've been planning for their education for years and can afford to help him but he's stubborn but so am I so I'll be having another word with him over the weekend.

LegacyUser

OP Here, thanks so much to everyone for your kind replies.

Its good to see it from a parent's perspective, and I know my parents are keen to help me out in any way that they can. I am going to set up a direct debit of 100 every month and should have it paid back shortly.

Thanks again everyone, I've spoken to my parents and feel a lot better now.

December2012

I am saving now for my kids college. I will go without to facilitate their future.

Appreciate it, pay it back when you can and go live your life guilt free. If you have kids, you'll do the same if upset can