Friendship/relationship advice needed

LegacyUser

In February I met a girl I really took a fancy to from the first moment I met her. Lets call her Linda. I met her through a shared hobby. She is 34. Despite being 36 I am quite shy and reserved and don't have a great deal of dating experience. I'm not good at reading signals but it all seemed good and we could chat easily so I asked Linda out for dinner. She agreed.

When we met, almost the first thing she said was that she didn't have time for a relation which took the wind out of my sails a bit but we continued with the date and it was fun and she wanted to meet up again. We continued to meet reasonably regularly but it was always difficult to find a time due to the hours she works. Over time I had grudgingly accepted we would only ever be friends, she didn't seem to be remotely interested in anything else although I do know she had turned down other guys who had asked her out. We kept in touch and kept meeting but the one thing that always struck me as strange was that she rarely if ever talked about herself and my efforts to find out more about her usually resulted in her changing the subject.

I suppose I should have asked Linda to clarify exactly what she wanted from me but never really had the courage and she never lead me on in any way. I had sensed she didn't want anything other than friendship. I did talk and asked advice from another older woman I have known for many years through the same hobby. She had been teasing me (in private, not in front of others) about my tongue hanging out every time Linda walked into the room so I just told her the truth - that we message each other sometimes and occasionally meet up but I don't think she's interested in me. She promised me she'd keep it to herself. I never gave her any personal information of any kind anyway. Just that I had been trying to date her and it was going nowhere. In the meantime I had sort of lost interest in Linda anyway as she always seemed to be working and one thing that I noticed about her and didn't like was that she was often needlessly critical of other people.

Then last week there was our regular meetup regarding our shared interest but I was unable to attend on this occasion. After the meeting would have been over, I got a text from Linda accusing me of saying bad things behind her back to the other woman. I had assumed she had said something to her but was confused as I had trusted her to keep the secret so I asked Linda what has she been saying. I also couldn't understand the use of the word bad. I had never said anything bad. All I had really said was that yes I had taken Linda out a few times, but she's always busy and I don't think she fancies me. We just meet as friends now. I don't talk about people behind their backs. Linda refused to say what had been said, just that this woman knows things and she not happy with that and that she didn't trust me any more. I did say to Linda that she did know we had been meeting up but nothing else.

At the next meeting, Linda completely blanked me, wouldn't even look at me. I was really hurt as I knew I hadn't said anything personal or bad about her to anyone. Since she wouldn't tell me what happened, I confronted the other woman and asked what she had been saying. She was angry with me for doubting her but she was insistent she had never said a word to anyone. Furthermore, she said she had never spoken to Linda at all. Any time she had ever tried to speak to Linda, Linda had just ignored her.

I asked Linda again just what was supposed to have been said. She did reply this time - she said nothing had been said and she has never spoken to this other woman. I asked if that was the case what was the problem and what was she accusing me about? Apparently the other woman had looked at Linda in a funny way but hadn't said a thing! Linda is also not happy about me telling her we had been meeting up as she didn't want anyone to know in case it starts rumours about us dating (but we had always met in pubs/cafes in town centre locations - public places where anyone could have walked in and seen us). But Linda did accept that I had told nothing personal.

I just don't understand how she could have made such a fuss because someone looked at her "funny" or I had no idea she wanted our meetings to be secret. I had only told this one person myself but I don't generally tell people what I am doing but would happily do so if asked. I have nothing to hide I don't particularly care if people start rumours anyway. Linda was also very angry that I had confronted the other party and said it would make it worse and I had no right to do that. But I felt I had justification as something had happened and Linda refused to tell me what it was I wanted to find out as I was being accused of saying "bad" things I knew I had hadn't said. I had no idea "bad" things were just saying I had met Linda for dinner.

I felt I had no choice but to apologise to the other woman as she had done nothing wrong and I felt really stupid.

Because I see Linda on a regular basis, I want to at least smooth this over so we can be civil to each other. Linda has agreed to meet me later this week for a discussion about it but I am unsure what to say to her or whether Have I really done anything wrong at all? I am tempted to tell her she is really childish as either I am missing something or this seems like an argument from National School playground and not something I would expect from someone in their thirties. I can genuinely say I gave away no personal or "bad" information beyond confirming that we had met for dinner/tea and sometimes messaged each other.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Airyfairy12

I can be a bit like this when I get to know new men, it sounds like Linda is just looking for a friend, she told you from the beginning she's not looking for any relations with you. She probably likes you very much, gets on well with you but doesnt feel any sexual or romantic chemistry, basically she wants to be friends with you, nothing more.
Ive been in so many situations like this that I dont trust men at all anymore. You make it clear to the guy that youre not interested in him in that way, he says hes fine with it then he pretends to be friends with you in the hopes you'll change your mind or something will happen and when it doesnt he eventually becomes mean and spiteful or extremely controlling...ive been followed home, questioned about my whereabouts and questioned about male acquaintances and friends by these guys. You can be extremely blunt with them that youre not interested in anymore than friendship, they will look you in the face and lie about being completely fine with that then they will fake an entire friendship.
Ive had situations where men who I thought were friends spread rumours that we were seeing each other or sleeping together. Men do this all the time so women have to be so careful, if she thinks youre telling people that youre meeting up with her then to Linda that sounds like youre telling people youre seeing eachother or theres something going on between both of you...

LegacyUser

My first thoughts were she must be in some kind of relationship already and doesn't want it getting out that she has been meeting you in case rumours start that she's cheating. Would explain why she's so cagey about her personal life. She likes the attention from you and knows if she talks about her boyfriend you won't hang around at all.
Don't put up with any this accusatory and passive aggressive rubbish from her. You told her you said nothing bad, and you won't mention her to anyone again. She should get over it.

batmanrobin

So she got weird and lied about people saying things because someone looked at her funny?

I'd say you're lucky that she's not interested! She sounds like a lot of hard work.

If you talk to her just explain yourself, don't apologise you did nothing wrong. Friendships don't usually need to be kept hidden, you know. I'd also be saying probably best not to be friends.

I know you like her, but when people act like that I'd stay well clear. She can't even have a normal conversation about herself. When you make a new friend you usually talk about yourself and they talk about themselves. It's how you get to know each other.

Shint0

Yes, her reaction is childish and it's just drama. You caught her out saying the other woman had talked to her when she hadn't. The 'making faces' was most likely not true either. As for wanting to meet in secret? Any friendship/relationship where somebody is afraid or embarrassed to be seen with you in public or whatever the reason should be given a wide berth. That alone should be enough to turn you off her.

seenitall

Hi op,

Ok, here's my best guess at what happened here, informed by what I can remember of teenage disco politics back when:

The second your back was turned (I.e. You weren't at one of the meet ups), the older woman made a beeline for Linda armed with all that juicy new gossip. Who knows what she told her, but if she is your friend, it might have been something along the lines of "oh that poor boy is pining after you so, what's the story here, how come you're meeting him, where is it all leading?" Cue Linda absolutely freaking out at her selfish ego boosting behaviour at your expense being exposed to/by a third party like that. So she immediately gives you an earful for that offence - don't get any notions about stepping out of line here!

Now, since you can't talk to Linda as she's in a huff with you, you talk to your friend, and she, seeing that she has really stirred a hornet's nest, brazenly lies to you , swearing on her mother's grave that she has not spoken a word of anything to Linda. After which she immediately gets on the blower to Linda and comes to an agreement with her that they will both pretend your confidence wasn't betrayed here, and it is in fact YOU who is the cause of all the trouble and the betrayal of confidence (Linda's).

I would be completely certain this is more or less how it played out, otherwise Linda's quite insane sounding version that she could sense from a mere look your friend gave her that confidence was betrayed or some shyte, and your friend's assurance that Linda just started ignoring her, unprovoked, all of a sudden, don't make a blind bit of sense, unless they are both unbalanced.

In short, op, spare yourself a world of grief, stop hanging out with a woman who is using you for an ego boost, and stop confiding in gossip mongers. And all will be well.

Contessa Raven

Linda sounds like a headwrecker. I would stay well clear.

Friendships are supposed to be about give and take. It sounds like she doesn't even give any details about herself so I wouldn't be surprised if there was already a relationship with someone else there. I honestly can't see any reason why she would freak out that you mentioned you two were friends. It seems way OTT! Unless she is worried that rumours may start.
Perhaps there is someone else in the mutual hobby that Linda is interested in? And she is now worried that this person will hear about your friendship and assume that there is more to it?
Even so, a grown woman reacting the way she did would make me rethink a friendship with them.

piglet74

It sounds like Linda is married already.

RossieMan

It sounds like something that would go on in second class.

I'd run for the hills.