Need help..

emmacxxx

The hardest thing to do is trying to put how I feel into words. Every waking moment is a struggle, getting up every morning takes every ounce of strength I have. I feel like I have the darkest cloud over me and no matter how hard I try I can't be happy, not really, not about anything. The worst part is that I have absolutely no reason to feel this way, on paper I have everything. I have the the best boyfriend in the world, a great job and a loving supportive family. I've tried so hard to pin down why I'm feeling this way to something, to anything, but there's simply nothing.

Since I was 14 I've been going through these dark phases, they can last anywhere from a week to 6 months. Each time I go through this though it feels like it gets worse and worse and I'm honestly so scared.

At the moment I'm going through this and it's completely taken over of my life. I can't function in work anymore, I can barely face a conversation with anyone and I avoid social interaction at all costs. I have to psych myself up just to go to the bathroom to walk past a row of people that I'm convinced take one look at me and think I'm a freak.

The worst part is that when I'm myself and the dark cloud isn't there, I am so social, I enjoy talking to people, meeting new people and going to social events and it's all just so easy, I don't even have to think about it. But right now I can barely walk into the kitchen in work without freaking out inside.

I've tried talking to my boyfriend about this in the past but he just doesn't understand and think it's something I can just 'snap out of'. He doesn't get how impossible that is. So now I suffer in silence and I feel so alone, that I have no one to talk to, no one who understands.

I've never been to the doctor about this because the thought of talking about it scares me so much. I'm at the stage though were I'm starting to feel desperate and I know I need help because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't.

LLewellen Farquarson

Hi Emma,
sorry for the delay in replying, but I was waiting for one of the more experienced/qualified posters to jump in.

All I can advise is to go talk to your doctor. That's what I did in your situation (which is more common that you might realise), and he had seen it all before. In fact he told me that a large portion of his patients would come in for depression etc.

Your doctor is best placed to talk to you about the best course of action, be it drugs, counselling, Aware, etc.

Please do go. Remember, your doctor is a healthcare professional. You wouldn't think twice about going for physical pain, why should mental pain be any different.

And you're right, it is not possible to "snap out of it". You are not alone, there are a lot of us out there, and there is no need to suffer alone.

JuliusCaesar

Please read the Forum Charter. JC



Moving right over to Personal Issues, where their charter will apply.

bp

Please see your doctor, as the above poster said you would go with a physical pain. Mind yourself

Merkin

Hi Emma, you really need to go to your GP as a matter of priority. We can't offer any medical advice but I'm sure other posters who have experienced something similar may be able to help you. Sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing of all but it's so important that you address this with a professional.

Rubberchikken

hi op
please see your gp. you've taken a hugh step in writing about it here and that's great, but now you need to talk to someone who can give you the practical support you need.
very best of luck

Airyfairy12

Hi Emma, it really sounds like depression and some social anxiety, It could be a chemical imbalance, it could be a hormone problem, could be caused from childhood trauma or it could just be genetic or maybe something else entirely.

Ive suffered from social anxiety and depression for years and I didnt get help for a long time, my mental health spiralled to a point where I physically couldnt cope any longer. I couldnt leave the house my depression became so bad, I had no friends, an unsupportive family and I couldnt work, I could hardly even do my shopping or walk down the street...im just telling you this because from personal experience you need to prioritize your mental health, its so important so talking to a good counsellor should be first on your list, I know its expensive but youre working so maybe cutting back on certain things and keeping 50 euro every week to speak to someone would be a good idea. I now keep an emergency 'mental health' fund ..money ive saved over the year incase I end up in a bad situation again and I can use it to go to a counselor or go to a meditation or yoga class or even just to buy myself something nice if ive been having a bad week.
Like you I had no support as noone understood. Id just accept that your boyfriend probably wont ever really understand so dont expect too much from him, its no reflection on you it might just not something he has any personal experience with. You dont have to tell him or anyone else if you decide to go to counselling, I didnt tell anyone, I kept it private because not everybody will get it or understand, all you can do is focus on yourself and doing whatever it takes to get this under control.
I found that counselling can be a bit like dating, sometimes you have to shop around to find someone that youre suited too, some councillors can be patronizing, some you might not click with but dont let it put you off, you just need to find one thats right for you.

Something else that helped me was when by chance I went on a high estrogen contraception pill, it really helped with my anxiety and depression, within an hour of taking my first pill I felt normal, my anxiety cramps were gone and I stopped shaking.. my hands where constantly shaking due to nerves and my stomach was constantly in knots so this told me that a large part of my anxiety was probably down to hormones, it didnt cure me by any means but I instantly felt a huge improvement and six months later my anxiety and depression is still quite under control, not cured but somewhat controlled....just food for thought.

Make sure you find a good, understanding GP that wont just stick you on medication and kick you out the door, they work for some people but they really dont work for everyone, there's a 101 options to help with this besides prescription pills so keep your options open, something will work for you whether its pills or something else.