Lonely and unhappy abroad

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Feeling a bit blue at the moment and wondered if anyone had any advice.

I'm a 32 year old woman living abroad, good job and life in general, but I've found myself in a rut where I'm not entirely happy and constantly comparing myself to my peers to the point of obsession.

I've lived in many different countries since my mid 20s and I think as a result of this transitional way of life, I've become a bit used to being on my own, a bit of an introvert where I'm now finding myself 32 and with no real social life or group of friends in my country of residence. Like, no-one I can just call at the end of a busy day and meet for a pint. And not quite sure how I would go about making new friends at this stage in my life, when all my mates would be back home. I'm a member of a sports club, do the work drinks thing on occasion but in general find things can either be quite cliquey or else I'm about six or seven years older than everyone else and don't have so much in common. My boyfriend is pretty much my entire social life on any given day.

Then there's my job, which while not overly stressful and decent paying, is boring the life out of me while at the same time "trapping" me abroad as there's literally no jobs in my line of work back in Ireland. I hate the city that I'm, it's chaotic and noisy and harsh on any given day but I can't see a way out.

I'm constantly looking at Masters programs, but that ambition would put a serious dent on my finances and being the age that I am, actively saving for a house and whatever may come down the line is a real priority. My boyfriend doesn;t make as much as me and isn't great with money so I feel like i bear the brunt of the saving at this point in my life. I'm worried about putting myself in the red and then finding myself mid 30s on the bottom of a new career ladder again with no money to my name and no foundation on which to build a family etc.

In short, I'm lonely, dissatisfied with my career, don't like where I am and feel completely trapped at the moment. All I seem to see around me are happy, settled people advancing in their careers, buying houses, getting engaged, having babies, nights out and big holidays with a solid group of friends - and I feel so inadequate. I feel like at 32 I should have more and I should be more.

The funny thing is, anyone else would look at my life to date and think it was wonderful - living in a busy city and with an extensive background working in a very competitive and exciting industry that most people are in awe of. The reality is it came at a cost - all those years I spent grafting in my 20s meant I neglected any social life and now I don't feel I have the skills to make new friends and make the most of my life here. I feel as though I should have achieved more and I should be in a better position financially, emotionally, mentally and socially at my age. Not lacking direction and energy and friends and living in a crappy house share with no social network and not being able to find a way forward.

Has anyone else ever felt like this, almost at a crossroads but too paralyzed by fear of change and fear of failure and fear of fcuking up and not quite sure what to do or where to turn?

Sorry for the rant, I'm having a pretty low day today and any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks to anyone who made it this far!x

cookiexx

Do you have any hobbies eg gym, running, movies, books etc? Maybe you could expand on them and try to meet people through them - exercise classes or a book club or running club etc.

Feeling isolated is the first thing you need to tackle. Its hard being far from home but there are people out there in a similar position, you just have to find them. Might be worth looking into any Irish groupa in the city youre in too - do some googling and see if any exist - I often found it a release to be with other Irish people who were in a similar position to me when I lived in the US. Ready made friends.

No-one's life is perfect (despite what social media tells us) and it sounds like you're in an enviable position with work and a good relationship and lots of travel which is more than many people can say. You've obviously achieved a lot and have it in you to change if that's what you want. Try tosee the positives. If moving home to Ireland is a priority, sit down and figure out how you can do that, be it upskilling or applying for jobs or whatever.

santana75

Op there is a way out, you have options but you just seem to not want to take them. You say you're saving for a house and future for having kids, getting married........that to me sounds like someone who has made their mind up about what they want. I mean if you want to buy a house and get married, have kids then nothing wrong with that. But at the same time you seem to want something else, like a do over. And thats fine aswell. But I dont think the two are compatible. Like the masters program you say would put a financial strain on you because you are saving for a house......to me thats a no brainer. You have to pick one or the other because right now you cant have both. The house will come in time but if you think that doing a masters is something you're passionate about then this is what you need to do and forget the house for now. I think you are comparing yourself to everyone else way too much. You have to understand that what you see is an illusion, its a front. You dont get to see behind closed doors and what those people really are like. Do your self the biggest favour in life, stop comparing. Pay attention to your inner world and get in touch with what its saying to you, because it is telling you what to do, you just have to be willing to listen. It doesnt shout, it whispers softly and communicates in feelings and images.
Your boyfriend isnt great with money, honestly thats his issue, not yours. You are taking on his burdens aswell as yours and thats way too much hassle. Let go of control, let him be and let him do what he wants with his money. He's an adult so let him take responsibility for his future instead of trying to take charge of his and yours. You have to do right by yourself, follow your heart and not compare your life to others. Everyone is on their own unique path in life, to compare where you're going to someone else is madness. Its not a one size fits all. And this is an exciting thing because you get to do whatever your heart desires and thats an amazing thing, to find yourself in life. But to do that you have to be willing to walk a different road and be brave, let go of fears about the future and follow what your heart is telling you to do right now. And let your boyfriend take responsibility for his own future and his own money. Trust me you'll feel a lot lighter and happier if you do.