Horrible situation at home

LegacyUser

My brother lives at home with my mother.

There's an issue with him. He went out on Friday night and didn't come home til Saturday. Showered and went out again. Came home very late last night drunk and abusive. He was hallucinating as well and nearly put the kitchen on fire playing with the microwave.

This isn't the first time it has happened. He has no problem going out on a Friday night and just not coming home til Saturday or Sunday or Monday.

A few weeks ago he came home on a Monday evening after going out on a Friday night. He was in the bed til later that week. My mam thought he had the flu, not the first time either. I can count 2 times during the summer he came down with the 'flu' after a session. It's very unfortunate to be coming down with so many flus. More than likely it's hangovers lingering or possible alcohol poisoning.

My mam doesn't like this, not one bit. It stresses her out. She doesn't sleep probably. She gets terrified.
What can we do here? Some people might reply with:
Throw him out.
Call the gardai, etc.

None of this is going to happen I'm afraid. I know my mam too well.

Thing is my mother is enabling this. She allows him to live rent free at home. She doesn't take any money from him for anything. When bills come in it's shared between mam and I. She doesn't even taken 20 euro of him probably pitying the poor creature while grocery shopping and cleaning is done for him.

My mam is enabling this behaviour from my brother. If she was to give the man some responsibilities or tell him to get out and find a place to rent and we'll see how much money he has for that carry on. If I was to behave like this there would be no doubt whatsoever in what she would do. She'd tell me to go and I wouldn't be allowed to back a bag.

Is there any way I could try and get my mam to understand this.

I also get the brunt end of my mams unhappiness with this situation. I was trying to organise an appointment for something else this morning and trying to do the right thing and as soon as I got off the phone she starts ranting at me about everything and money was the root of her rant. Yet she won't say boo to the lad to has no problem drinking his whole entire week's wage and coming home drunk and abusive if he comes home at all.

The Raptor

You also enable the situation by paying half of the bills. He has it too easy. If your mum didn't have your half and only had a third, what would she do. Sounds like it wasn't an issue until your mum started ranting about money.

screamer

Parents seem to make excuses for the kids who are useless. They get it easy treated like perpetual kids and usually inherit everything. Its like parents guilt for having useless kids. The kids who are able to stand in their own two feet are usually expected to help their parents and are given little if anything in return.
I agree with the previous poster you are also enabling by contributing to his share. If your mother won't see sense move out and leave her to it. You can pay the bills elsewhere without having to deal with your brothers crap .

Lux23

Do you suspect his mad weekends are drug fuelled? Not that it really matters he is doing a lot of damage with drink alone.

I think like other posters say you should stop contributing his share and only pay a third of the bills. Maybe use the extra money to save for a deposit and first month's rent and move out when you get the chance. You can't do much about your brother's behaviour and you certainly can't force your Mum to deal with him either.

MartyMcFly84

I have a similar issue with my 34 year old brother living at home with my mother.

She doesn't not charge him rent, constantly "loans" him money that he never gives back , pays for everyting essentially and covers his car costs like insurance. Every time he messed up or was stuck my parents would bail him out.

He goes out every single week, sometimes twice a week and has not issue spending every cent he has on a night out and will buy drinks for other people.

He is a perpetual child, hampered by my mothers kindness. I have tried to explain that she is holding him back through kindness, but i think a part of her does not want him to leave as much as she says she does want him to.

Personally I had to remove myself from the situation as it irritated me massively, I try to not get involved as I end up getting no where and the cycle continues after making them upset.

Milly33

Would you consider bringing your Mum to an AA meeting... I know you or well you havent said you or your mum has an issue with drink but going to AA meeting can make people wake up and see that this is not normal behaviour and is no accetpable..It also shows that there is help out there.. Been there done that with my brother, saw it all growing up ended up fine but still went on for years and just was not nice seeing him take advantage of living at home and taking, taking but never giving back...

ibarelycare

OP I think the best thing would be for you to remove yourself from the situation and move out. If your mother doesn't have your half of the rent and bills, or you there to take her anger out on, she'll have to deal with your brother.

daisybelle2008

Milly33 wrote: »

Would you consider bringing your Mum to an AA meeting... I know you or well you havent said you or your mum has an issue with drink but going to AA meeting can make people wake up and see that this is not normal behaviour and is no accetpable..It also shows that there is help out there.. Been there done that with my brother, saw it all growing up ended up fine but still went on for years and just was not nice seeing him take advantage of living at home and taking, taking but never giving back...

Don't do this OP. That's certainly not what AA is for and attending a meeting for that reason is wrong on every level.
Al-anon is support for people whose lives are affected by alcoholics.

LegacyUser

Hi Opera, sounds kindo of an unpleasant situation. What age is your brother? Does he work / have an income? From some experience / knowledge I have an inkling that it may be drugs. Hallucinating / going on a bender all weekend / sleeping all week / getting run down etc. Have you tried speaking to your brother? He may very well be in a bad place. Maybe write him a lettering explaining your concern for your mam and him. Chat with your mam about it too, tell her your concerns about him and how he shouldn't be enabled. You can only try. And if after that it fails, save money to move out. I hope things improve. Best wishes.

Rubberchikken

some parents see a child as weaker than the other(s) and tend to give them more leeway and second and thinrd chances while coming down hard on the kid they percieve as stronger and more capable.

it's not fair and tbh i hate to see it happen but unless the parent wakes up to what they are doing, i don't think anyone can convince them to change.
if you're brother is a danger in your family home, playing with the microwave while out of it a bit, then he'll be an equal danger in a flat by himself.
his issues with drink etc need to be sorted and the only one who can do that is him.

would you be able to speak to him, maybe with someone else, when he's up and about?
i'm sorry you're dealing with this. maybe in time you'll have to decide if it would be better all round if you left and found a place of your own so that you can live your life.
good luck

LegacyUser

i think this sounds to me like it could be more than drink. i know from personal experience. from all that you said about lying in bed until mid-week and not returning home except to shower, and barely being noticed even if he is back is the classic style of someone who may be using mdma or pills. the come-down would be that style - lying in bed until tuesday night, wednesday before the appetite comes back, narky mood on thursday and friday and then repeating the cycle.

drinking has never done that to me, and you would normally only be hungover for a day or two before being back to normal-ish ... and only when i went out and took pills i would be like that for most of the following week.

sit him down, tell him you have an idea that he is dabbling in more than just the drink, and see what he says.

unfortunate situation, but if that's the case - all you can do is talk to him and ask he stops.
the gardai or anyone else can't MAKE them stop.

gercoral

tbh, the brother sounds a little scary and unpredictable. if i was the OP, i definitely wouldnt be moving out to leave my mother with a person like the brother. i think i'd fear for my mam if i did that. go f only knows what could happen if he comes in from one of his benders.
i would suggest perhaps a family meeting of sorts, when your brother is in the right frame of mind. you need to tell him to cop on and have a little respect for his mam and her house and stop taking the piss.

Xterminator

Hi OP.

i understand your unease at this situation.

But you do understand you are not your brothers parent ? And its not your personal responsibility. He is an adult & has all the freedoms and responsibilities that go along with that. Its his life! He sounds like he is on a bad path that may take him towards addiction or bad mental health etc. But you cant change him. Only he can.

I dont think you should be trying to force your mother around to your point of view. i think you should share your point of view with her then trust her to make her own mind up. I do agree she is enabling this behaviour, but its not your job to change this.

if you are very uncomfortable, perhaps moving out would be best for you.

gline

Stop covering his share of rent/bills. What can your mother do all of a sudden if she is 1/3 short? She will have to get it from your brother.

She is totally enabling him and quite frankly i cant see how she isnt extremly worried about his health, shes literally killing him with kindness. Some ground rules need to be set up for the house, to try and stop some of this behaviour. Like not coming home destroyed on drink endangering those in the house.

In reality though, theres not much else you can do, its not your house. Moving out will give you some peace of mind. I wouldnt let your brothers behaviour stop you from moving on. Your mother knows his behaviour, and isnt doing anything to try and stop it, she is bringing problems on herself, all you can do is offer support if anything happens. Does your brother work at all? Im guessing not if he can go on multi-day benders. What does he do with his life besides partying?