Need advice with my child

LegacyUser

Our child has always been a very girlie boy. Always into girl stuff, never boy stuff, always picks a girl part in role play games etc. We've both ackowledged he might grow up to be a gay and it isnt a problem with us.

We were asking what he wanted for his 5th birthday present last week and the response was that he'd like his ears pierced because then "everyone will know I'm really a girl on the inside".

We saw the Doctor Friday but he just dismissed our concerns and said it is a just a phase a lot of kids go through.

Any advice?

Annasopra

It might be a phase. It might not be. It's possible your child is gay or perhaps even trans.

Transparenci might be able to offer advice

http://www.teni.ie/support.aspx?filter=FS

CdeC

Hi OP,

well done on seeking out further advice. I don't think this is a typical phase and it may be an early indication that your child might be trans. But obviously as he is so young you want to be careful to label anything.

Please give the above equality network a call or if you call Outhouse which is the gay resource center for GLBT in Dublin they could put you in touch with a counselor who is used to these issues and they can help you get it right in your own head.

In my opinion it's best to be understanding and listen to your son. Do not make him feel ashamed as he may close up later emotionally and be aware that he may be susceptible to bullying, especially as he gets older.
Your post doesn't give anything away in the sense of how you feel about this but I always think that there are two choices for parents with GLBT kids.

You can try and raise
1. a happy confident GLBT person
Or
2. a depressed, lonely, low self esteem GLBT person

robyntmorton

I will agree completely with what has already been said. TENI/Transparenci/Outhouse would be great places to contact to help get your head around the whole thing.

As for your son, I can only recommend that you be supportive. Being against it could lead to his being miserable, and resenting/hating you for it, while still having to go through it regardless. Showing him that you are on his side is remarkably important in showing him that it is okay to be himself, whoever he may be.

You also seem concerned that allowing him to get his ears pierced for his 5th birthday might not be a good idea. Personally, I wouldn't recommend an outright refusal, for the reasons I have said above. If you are that way inclined, you may try stalling him for 3/6/12 months. If he is still set on it then, go for it. Then you have more knowledge of whether it is just a phase or not. After that, if he does choose to remove them, the holes will over time close over, but you are giving him the lead on it.

I wish you all the best, but I can see from your post that you do have your son's best interests at heart, so I am confident you will be able to handle it.

makeandcreate

My DD at 4 decided she was a boy, got up one day wanted boy clothes - wore jeans, denim jacket, dark clothes in general, would not accept pink, purple etc. Went to pre school in pants. She already owned these more boy colour clothes so it wasn't like she was rebelling about being in pink. Never questioned it, but 6 weeks later when a family member said are you a boy now? My child said, no I am not a boy -I was pretending are you silly. She still prefers pants but it is more about tree climbing than anything.
While I am all for choice, kid labelling is a fallout of supposedly trendy parents being afraid of having an average daughter- just not cool enough.

Annasopra

makeandcreate wrote: »

While I am all for choice, kid labelling is a fallout of supposedly trendy parents being afraid of having an average daughter- just not cool enough.

I dont see discussing possible identity as labelling and I think its quite insulting suggesting that parents are more concerned about their own trendiness then their children.

Heres an interesting article

http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/ireland-s-transgender-children-1.2171777

J_E

Way, way too early to be assessing if a kid is trans, or gay, or whatever. It is probably just a phase, just ride the wave and enjoy them while they're young!

ShaShaBear

Dad of 3 wrote: »

Our child has always been a very girlie boy. Always into girl stuff, never boy stuff, always picks a girl part in role play games etc. We've both ackowledged he might grow up to be a gay and it isnt a problem with us.

We were asking what he wanted for his 5th birthday present last week and the response was that he'd like his ears pierced because then "everyone will know I'm really a girl on the inside".

We saw the Doctor Friday but he just dismissed our concerns and said it is a just a phase a lot of kids go through.

Any advice?

On the ear-piercing note, maybe tell them that you would rather they wait until they are old enough to be pierced in a professional studio? Taking him to your local Claire's to get mutiliated with a piercing gun is never a great idea, and that applies to kids of both genders.
Take him to a well-respected piercing studio, have the piercer talk him through it, show him how its done (with the right equipment) and if he still wants it, let him when said piercer agrees he is of an age where he is willing to perform it.

Fleawuss

Let your child have their childhood. Not everything needs instant analysis.

Annasopra

Fleawuss wrote: »

Let your child have their childhood. Not everything needs instant analysis.

Fair point maybe my advice above is too much too soon

On the other hand though I think if there lots of events like the above then consider contacting transparenci

2RockMountain

makeandcreate wrote: »

My DD at 4 decided she was a boy, got up one day wanted boy clothes - wore jeans, denim jacket, dark clothes in general, would not accept pink, purple etc. Went to pre school in pants. She already owned these more boy colour clothes so it wasn't like she was rebelling about being in pink. Never questioned it, but 6 weeks later when a family member said are you a boy now? My child said, no I am not a boy -I was pretending are you silly. She still prefers pants but it is more about tree climbing than anything.
While I am all for choice, kid labelling is a fallout of supposedly trendy parents being afraid of having an average daughter- just not cool enough.

Is it possible that your child is different to their child? It makes no sense to apply your experience form your child to every other parent/child.

Your child is 5 years old. Do you want your child to get his ears pierced at that age? If it were a daughter, would you allow it at that age?
Edit: Check your schools policy on wearing earrings as you might need to put it off until the summer holidays next year.

Sounds like you are quite in tune with your son at the moment. Your son has a lot of childhood to go through yet. Support him without stereotyping him. Talk to one of the groups recommended in earlier posts. You will get information and advice to help you be a supportive parent, no matter what path your child takes in the years ahead.

JackTaylorFan

"We saw the Doctor Friday but he just dismissed our concerns and said it is a just a phase a lot of kids go through."

Err... really, in 2016, and this is still the attitude of Irish GPs - why am I not surprised.

Word of advice: Irish GPs haven't got a clue what they are talking about on trans issues - if you find one who does, it's most likely because a patient of theirs is in fact trans and educated them on it.

If this has been a persistent thing for more than a year(and it sounds like it has) - it is highly advisable you take your child to a Psychologist who specialises in the area. Not many of them around either - but if you love your child it's worth pursuing that kind of diagnosis ASAP.

Sonics2k

So, it's possible your child is either gay, trans or going through a phase.

The key thing to note here is the child is also 5 years old, and is far too young to be putting into any kind of therapy.
Allow your child to grow and develop into their own person, and let them be them.

JackTaylorFan

"The key thing to note here is the child is also 5 years old, and is far too young to be putting into any kind of therapy.
Allow your child to grow and develop into their own person, and let them be them"

It's not about putting a child through therapy - it's about getting a professional opinion from a trained medical expert - and obviously the GP is living in the early 1990s.

The fact the father has been concerned enough to consult a GP (however helpless) would suggest this might be a wise next step. As for therapy, I would ask why you are so opposed to it; if the kid is struggling with his/her/their identity (which it seems is the case) it really wouldn't hurt - it does not mean any irreversible decisions be made right away but it might just clear some questions up.

Sonics2k

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

"The key thing to note here is the child is also 5 years old, and is far too young to be putting into any kind of therapy.
Allow your child to grow and develop into their own person, and let them be them"

It's not about putting a child through therapy - it's about getting a professional opinion from a trained medical expert - and obviously the GP is living in the early 1990s.

The fact the father has been concerned enough to consult a GP (however helpless) would suggest this might be a wise next step. As for therapy, I would ask why you are so opposed to it; if the kid is struggling with his/her/their identity (which it seems is the case) it really wouldn't hurt - it does not mean any irreversible decisions be made right away but it might just clear some questions up.

I agree to a point, however I don't agree that sending a 5 year old child to see a psychologist is a good move. The child is 5. He can't even fully read or write yet, and seeing as there does not appear to be any traumatic event in the kids life, they have no real need to see therapist of any kind.


By all means OP, if in several years time when your child is older, think about consulting with a good psychologist.

For now, let your child enjoy being a child, and remember that no matter what happens, let them know that you love and accept them for who they are.

JackTaylorFan

"I agree to a point, however I don't agree that sending a 5 year old child to see a psychologist is a good move. The child is 5. He can't even fully read or write yet, and seeing as there does not appear to be any traumatic event in the kids life, they have no real need to see therapist of any kind.


By all means OP, if in several years time when your child is older, think about consulting with a good psychologist.

For now, let your child enjoy being a child, and remember that no matter what happens, let them know that you love and accept them for who they are."

Well, again, I am only going on what the original post actually stated. And I believe if the father at that point felt discussing the issue with a GP was warranted, then I think it is probably advisable he actually seeks proper counsel on the matter. I said it already, but I don't think there is any harm in reiterating this point: the majority of Irish GPs have not got a clue what they are talking about on the issue of transgender children - not one clue.

Also, speaking more in generals now, but if it's the case that a kid is trans (and I am by no means saying it is in the instance above) the earlier they receive help the better. I mean, how long do you wanna wait things like this out - until after puberty when the damage is irreversible? And, yes, if they are trans they would consider it damaging and traumatic to go through the wrong kind of puberty. Again, if it's a persistent thing, you owe it to the child to investigate these feeling rather than writing it off as a "phase". I mean, for ****'s sake, really?

cgcsb

There are a small number of adult men in this world who are just a bit feminine. Some are gay, some are straight. If your son is just a bit girly, that does not mean he actually wants to be a woman. Just let him be himself and over time he'll figure out where he fits in. Just support him in whatever path he wants to go down.