Am i seeing things all wrong with family issue

LegacyUser

Im looking for advice to see if i am completely in the wrong here!

I was in work yesterday all day, and my husband got a call for last minute over time in work,which he took. He dropped our son up to his parents.

I called my sister this morning for a chat, and she told she called up to my house yesterday 3 times to take my son out for a few hours.

I told her the situation and she went silent on phone and then I said well, we need all the overtime we can get at the moment and she went silent again. I apologised to her but said I wasnt to know she was calling up as she knew I was in work. She made excuses on the phone that she had to go and hung up.

I rang my mam after to suss what was going on. I said that my sister wouldnt answer me when I told her my husband was working. My mam said oh listen i am not getting involved, i know your sister text to see was he far away and he never replied.

Thats when it all kicked off then. We had a family gathering recently. My mam told me on the phone that she keeps alot to herself. I asked what she meant by that. She told me that my husbands dad doesnt refer to her by name, only calls her mammy. Hello mammy etc. (I dont like my father in law either, he drives me nuts).

I was taken aback by this, as I never knew. So tonight after work, I called down to my parents as I dont like leaving things on a row. My dad was grand towards me, my mam not so much.

She spoke about it again, saying she didnt like my phone call and thats what my sister gets for trying to be kind and that she told her about my phone call, and its something my sister will never offer again.

My mam brought up about my inlaws saying that if im not careful, my son will grow up to be exactly like them and its about time I started opening my mouth to them. She also said my husband needs a kick in the arse for himself and she is sick of being taken for granted. I do not take anyone for granted and am very appreciative for what everyone does.

She told me that they are going to start suiting themselves now in future.

I am flabbergasted. I have no idea where this is coming from. It has me upset all day. I feel like im on far and a sick feeling in my stomach with worry. If i felt in the wrong i would hold my hands up, admit it and apologise.

My son is in creche tomorrow for introduction 2 hours, and I now plan on calling into work sick as my parents where originally supposed to collect him while we worked and I wouldn't dare ask them now.

HS3

Is there something you're missing? If you try take a step back and look at it objectively do your in laws treat you fairly? Are your family looking out for you?

What did your husband say?

There's something you're not seeing for sure!

Big Bag of Chips

You say you are very appreciative of all your family do for you.. do they know that? It does sound like you dropped your son to your mam at a minute's notice. Do you pay her anything? Do you buy her anything? Your sister seems to be reacting to a very small, insignificant incident, but is this the straw that broke the camels back?

Your in-laws are nothing to do with you. You have no control over them. And if your father-in-law doesn't call your mother by name, that's up to her to sort out. She's a big girl! She can either not acknowledge him if he refuses to say her name, or she can point out "My name is Mary, I'd like if you used it".

As the other poster says, there's something going on here that you either don't know about, or are missing.

But I think from now, you need to sort out alternative childcare arrangements. Not in a bitchy "fine then! If you don't want to" way, but in a genuine "I'm very grateful for everything you've done, but I do realise that maybe I was taking advantage a bit. I've made alternative arrangements. I don't want us all falling out over it."

Families can be tight and closeknit. If your mother has little time for your in-laws that will spill over into how she feels about your husband too. And if she doesn't like them, then she'll automatically think they are not being good to you. There's nothing you can do about that, unfortunately.

But I think, for now at least, you need to find someone else to take your son. Your mother has more or less told you she's had enough.

Edit: I'm sorry, I see your husband dropped your son to his parents, I thought you had dropped him to yours. It seems there's a bit of jealousy from your families side, that your son might be spending more time with your in-laws! And if your family don't like your in-laws that's going to sting them!! I think all you can honestly do is try to sit down with your mam and sister and ask them to explain what's wrong. You might hear things you don't like, or don't agree with, but at the same time you need to keep your cool. It just sounds like their noses are out of joint a bit.

Maybe ask them if they want to take on full-time childminding responsibility

Call me Al

Who normally minds your son? if its your mum have you a regular arrangement or is it very much an unannounced and irregular arrangement?
Had your mum or sister ever mentioned frustration or annoyance with this arrangement before.
Your talking about your mother saying she's taken for granted.. so what is this in the context of. You're not really explaining this.
're their observations on your in-laws, if they have an issue on a personal level that's for them to address.
If your husband wants to leave his child with his parents under such unexpected circumstances, and you find no issue with it, then I don't think it's appropriate for your family to make an issue of it... unless there is something seriously amiss. Or youre not explaining everything fully.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thank you for your replies.

Everything i wrote is all that i know.

My son started creche this morning which he was due to. Before that, my parents and sister minded him between them and also my husbands parents on weekends we were working.

About 2 months ago, my sister told my husband that she was finding it difficult to manage her kids with school and after school activities while managing my son and thats when we said that we would find a creche. There was no agro and i appreciated that she was honest as i have always said if i got too much to let us know.

I have always told them how thankful i was for minding our son as has my husband. I have offered to pay and they were having none of it so found other was of repaying through small gifts or paying for lunch etc.

When I did tell my sister we got a creche, she sounded a little off again with me saying, oh i dont mean to sound bad but can you afford it, i dont mind minding him. Now the only reason i got childcare is because i was told she found it difficult. I feel like i cannot win.

Im forever in my parents with my son as they are mad about him. On days off or after work so they see him nearly everyday and never has there been an issue along these lines.

I am just genuinely at a loss. As i said I would hold my hands up and admit i was wrong if i saw i was in the wrong. But this came out of nowhere.

ibarelycare

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding or if the OP isn't very clear. Your husband dropped your son to his parents? At first I thought he dropped him to your parents and that's why there was tension there, because your sister and parents were annoyed that your son was being left with them last minute. All I can get from your post is that your mam is annoyed with you as she doesn't like your in-laws, and your sister is annoyed because she called to the house and no one was there?

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding or if the OP isn't very clear. Your husband dropped your son to his parents? At first I thought he dropped him to your parents and that's why there was tension there, because your sister and parents were annoyed that your son was being left with them last minute. All I can get from your post is that your mam is annoyed with you as she doesn't like your in-laws, and your sister is annoyed because she called to the house and no one was there?

+ 1 I am super confused to OP - the two issues seem to be your mother dislikes that your father in law calls her Mammy and your sister called to your house 3 times in one day looking to take your nephew out. Is her issue that your husband took him to his parents when he had to go to work at short notice? Why would she call up 3 times, why wouldn't see call before coming over? Does she not like your husband and wouldn't call him?

Everything else you mention seems to be odd phone calls with your sister...is she trying to imply with her silence your OH wasn't at work or something??

Teyla Emmagan

I really can't tell from your post what your mother is upset about. Why does she feel taken for granted? Where were you yesterday? Why didn't your sister let you know she was trying to pick your son up? Does your mother feel your husband was rude to your sister? Sounds like he was alright if he didn't let her know your son wasn't there and she was trying to bring him out. To be fair he put her out and should apologise. I still don't know what's wrong with your mother though.

familyproblem

familyproblem wrote: »

I was in work yesterday all day, and my husband got a call for last minute over time in work,which he took. He dropped our son up to his parents.

I called my sister this morning for a chat, and she told she called up to my house yesterday 3 times to take my son out for a few hours.

I told her the situation and she went silent on phone and then I said well, we need all the overtime we can get at the moment and she went silent again. I apologised to her but said I wasnt to know she was calling up as she knew I was in work. She made excuses on the phone that she had to go and hung up.

familyproblem wrote: »

About 2 months ago, my sister told my husband that she was finding it difficult to manage her kids with school and after school activities while managing my son and thats when we said that we would find a creche. There was no agro and i appreciated that she was honest as i have always said if i got too much to let us know.

When I did tell my sister we got a creche, she sounded a little off again with me saying, oh i dont mean to sound bad but can you afford it, i dont mind minding him. Now the only reason i got childcare is because i was told she found it difficult. I feel like i cannot win.

Im forever in my parents with my son as they are mad about him. On days off or after work so they see him nearly everyday and never has there been an issue along these lines.

So your sister was involved in the day-to-day care of your son and mentioned something to your husband about finding it difficult to manage all the kids so you two went off and organised to put your son in a crèche and the first (as far as I can tell) your sister hears of this is when it's a done deal.

Sounds to me like she's feeling hurt and probably missing your son, probably why she was calling up to take him out. She may even be regretting what she said to your husband and blaming him for the fact that everything's changed because you never talked to her about it yourself ... hence all the weird vitriol from your mam about your husband and his family, to them he's the one who changed the status quo.

Is this more or less how it went? If yes then I can see your sister's side, I'd be very upset if I was in a situation which panned out as above. Hell I've never even minded my nephews in a day-care scenario and I get a little upset if I go more than a week without seeing them.

familyproblem wrote: »

Everything i wrote is all that i know.

Have you even talked to your sister yet? Or just your mam??

Shint0

The way I'm seeing it is there's probably too much involvement from the OP's family. Some families are just like that. In addition they seem to not like the OP's in-laws and may have tried to manufacture a situation where the in-laws have less contact with the OP's child because they don't like them even where it has placed extra burden on them.

Now that that the OP has found alternative childcare arrangements her family are still not happy and might feel they are losing control over the situation inspite of not being able to care for the child themselves. Tensions which have been festering which the OP was not aware of are now coming to the surface as soon as the OP found a creche. That's my reading of the situation.

HS3

Did your sister tell you that she found minding your child too much? Did you hear her say that?

meeeeh

My reading of it is that your sister complained a bit and you organised creche. In my opinion you were right but it is possible that your sister was a bit hurt. Then your husband drops your son to his parents and your family now feel that you completely snubbed them and you don't even want your son to go to them occasionally.

In your situation I would want to tell them to cop on and stop being drama queens but I think you might be better off bitting your tongue and letting them know that no offence was meant and that you very much appreciate their help. One thing I would make clear though is that your son has two sets of relatives and you have no intention of listening to their bickering about each other.

strandroad

The way some families work is that they will help you, but they will also send signals of how they sacrifice things for you and will expect you to keep showing how grateful you are.
It looks like you were indeed grateful but when you received such signals you took them in good faith and you did not hesitate to organise other help, which is probably not really what they wanted - they wanted to be appreciated more, and for the in laws to come out as the useless ones. Now they are offended that you acted on their signals as they were not meant to be acted on.

You can either accept their game, hand your son back over to them and keep praising them to high heavens (preferably bitching about the in laws at the same time). Or you can continue with the creche/in laws combination supplemented by your side of the family visits, but as you, and not them, see fit.

I would do the latter (but it will cost you more in creche fees), otherwise you are just letting them rule your life with their drama.

Sound Bite

Is there any possibility that when you told your sister "we need all the overtime we can get" that she perceived it as a dig at her and thought you might have been suggesting it was due to the additional childcare costs since she stopped minding your children?

Other than that I can't seem to understand the conversations.

Colser

I find it a bit strange that your sister mentioned to your OH that she found it a bit difficult minding your child rather than saying it to you,did she ever discuss it with you before you went looking for a creche?

Fakediamond

Is it possible that your OH misunderstood your sister when she said that minding your son was a bit too much for her? How does he get along with your family? Does he like them and vice versa? I'm not clear as to that relationship and it might be a key factor in all this.