Is it too late to say sorry.....

Sleepmask

Many years ago when I was in my late teens I got a girl pregnant. She was a few years older than me and I thought she was using the pill so it was a huge shock when she told me. At some stage during her pregnancy she decided she didn't want to see me anymore. I walked away and never tried to get in touch with her again. She had a baby boy and I still never got in touch with her. The boy died in an accident when he was still a toddler and I didn't find out until he was already buried.
I've lived with the guilt and shame of my behaviour since then, I know it was selfish and cowardly. I would like to think that as I matured a bit I would have tried to have a relationship with my son but because he died I never got the chance.
I wrote a letter to the girl some time after he died trying to explain my behaviour and how sorry I was for abandoning her and our son but she had moved away and I never got to post it and never saw her again.
So my question is this. If I could find her now is it too late to pass that letter on? I hate the idea that she may think that I walked away from her and never thought about her or our son again. The truth is those events haunt me still and I've never forgiven myself. I grieved when I found out our son had died........I'm still grieving I think and I still visit his grave regularly.

The_Conductor

Its never too late to say sorry- you have to be genuinely sorry, and you'll have to accept that she may not appreciate the apology- but life is short, there are a few simple things you can do- perhaps visit your sons grave and keep it neat and tidy- and continue to do so- for example.

Its never too late to say sorry- however, don't expect your apology to be accepted, and everything to be rosy- life isn't like that.

antix80

Op sounds like she used you as a sperm donor & if anything you're owed the apology. The girl is in your past. You can't have a relationship with your son and reaching out to that girl won't change that.

But if it puts your mind at ease, say sorry, but keep it short ad simple. No need for a long letter.

turbot

OP,

Find and go and see a good counsellor, and study the process of grieving, and maybe read Dr John DeMartini's Quantum Collapse Process - for there are many emotional issues you need to unpack and process that you've touched upon.

There can often be an unfairly hostile culture towards fathers in such scenarios. She disengaged from you and moved away which makes it difficult for you to be supportive or even know what is the right thing to do. Unless you have the right support, your young age makes that harder.

So you need to clarify your responsibility and what was not your responsibility.

Then you need to make peace with yourself, your late son, and towards this girl, so you can move on with your life. It is never too late to do that!

You owe that to yourself and for the sake of all future relationships. You're obviously a good guy because you wouldn't think the way you do if you didn't care.

turbot

Btw, how old are you now?

leggo

That's just an awful situation OP. I'm not going to judge you and say you should've done this or that, there are a million little things that go into these situations, and the reality is that it doesn't matter now anyway.

Before you get into the apology, though, you need to forgive yourself. Because, even subconsciously, this idea may be motivated by the guilt and need for absolution in your head from this girl. But the thing is that you arriving, even by letter, could drum up a lot of emotions for her that she's buried to deal with her day-to-day life today after such a heartbreaking, traumatic incident. It could end up doing more damage in the long run whereas she might be better left alone. So you need to focus on you first.

This is the reality: you were young. You made a decision, that you felt was enforced upon you at the time by her decision, and it may have been a bad decision in hindsight. But you're allowed to make bad decisions and mistakes when you're young, we all do.

This is also true: you didn't kill your child. That's not on you, it isn't your fault. It was a freak accident and just a cruel heartbreaking occurrence. Your decision played no part in the death. The child passing should have no bearing on your level of guilt because the two things aren't related at all. Maybe you would've gotten involved in their life and made things right down the line, you don't know that but your conscience now as you've grown would suggest that you're a good person and probably would've done the right thing. That was taken away from you by a cruel twist of fate. That's not your fault.

You need to accept and come to terms with all of this and, as much as possible, rid yourself of guilt for the death and move on with your daily life. Then, and only then, can you start to think about whether this apology is for the right reasons, if it would actually help her and whether it's worth doing. If you don't think it would help her recover and feel at least a little better, don't do it. Sometimes it's better for people to view us as villains, they can put their blame and guilt into us enabling them to move forward. Generally it's unhealthy behaviour and taking responsibility for your own life is the best solution, but in messed up situation like this with so many uncontrollables and horrific emotions, it might be best that you're the villain to her. Or maybe an apology is just what she needs. There's no easy right or wrong answer because everyone is different.

But either way you need to stop carrying this guilt around with you, you've got a right to have a happy life still. You're not a bad person. If you were you wouldn't be posting here at all.

Trying to put myself in your shoes as best I can, if it was me I'd leave it to fate to decide. I'd live my life knowing that, if it came to it, I'd like to apologise and make things right with this person if it came to pass. And if it did and it felt right, I would. But if it didn't, then that's okay and I'd forgive myself for what happened. Then leave it up to life, because things have a funny way of working themselves out sometimes.

Sleepmask

Some sound advice there. I'm in my forties now, this happened almost 30 years ago. This doesn't dominate my life and it's not like I haven't moved on. After this happened I did all the usual stuff, went to college, got a job, married, mortgage etc. I don't think I'm a bad person but I just hate the idea that someone out there does. I do think I made some very bad decisions back then. I'd just really like to explain myself. She did end our relationship but I just feel I walked away and left her high and dry. I don't feel we had any future together but not playing any part in the boys life is still very painful to me. I say I've moved on but sometimes I am consumed with guilt, shame and loathing when I think back on what I did and didn't do.

Sound Bite

I think you are being very hard on yourself.

You were young. She didn't want to see you and you respected her wishes.

With the benefit if hindsight, time and maturity, you may had reacted differently but I'm pretty sure a lot of people would done the exact same.

Would you consider speaking to a counsellor? Just to get all of your feelings under control- I think the guilt & shame are misplaced. Talking this through will help with perspective. Only then should you consider contacting this woman. Are you hoping you will feel better if she forgives you? I don't think it will be that simple

Yellow pack crisps

The real question and what you really want to know is how do you forgive yourself.

I would leave this girl in your past for both your sakes. Therapy is the obvious answer but if it was me I would write my son a letter and tell him how you feel. Go to a spot in a park and bury the letter and have that space as a way of always keeping as a place for you to visit him and you can tell him how sorry you are and tell him your circumstances and what happened. It might seem weird to do that but I think it would be a good way of forgiving yourself and accepting what happened.

HS3

Tbh, I think this is your issue not her issue. I don't mean to sound heartless, but I would think losing her son would dwarf anything you ever did. If she didn't want you as part of her life then I fail to see how she could think bad of you?

You say you don't want anyone out there thinking bad of you and that would be your reason for trying to contact her? I think the woman has had enough grief than to try and ease your guilt?

I'm sorry, I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does.

Sleepmask

Yes this is definitely my issue. My main reason for wanting to contact her is really to let her know that I didn't just walk away and forget about them. I was deeply effected by what happened and I would like her to know that. I just hate to think that she might think that I was heartless enough to not care about them and what happened. I don't think I'm looking for her to ease my guilt.

HS3

Sorry for misunderstanding your intentions then. If it's purely for selfless reasons, she might get comfort from knowing the father did care in the end. She might still be angry as f*ck at the death of her son, and not react well at all. Who knows for sure.

It's a sad situation and I'm sorry to read about your son.

ManOfMystery

When I think back to when I was 18, I was a very different person to what I am now. And like many others, I did some stupid things, some reckless things, and made some bad decisions also. I think that's par for the course for most people. But isn't that how we muddle through life and try to better ourselves - learning from our mistakes? I place more faith in someone who has made multiple mistakes and changed their ways than someone who's led a textbook perfect life and never had to question themselves. That learning curve is all-important.

As we get older, most of us accumulate wisdom, knowledge, learn from our mistakes and hopefully a better person than we were the day before. It's difficult as a 40-something like yourself to look back at your teenage self and reconcile the actions of that person with who you are now. I don't think there is any point in you continuing to beat yourself up and loathe yourself over this; you need to accept that you were a young and unwise-to-the-world teen and that you're a vastly different person now. Not only that, but elements of that situation at the time were beyond your control - you couldn't prevent your son's death, and that girl didn't want to be in a relationship anyway - it's not like you walked out on someone begging you to come back.

If the apology helps both you (and possibly her) to move along, then by all means pursue it. But you should go in with an open mind and the expectation that she might not want to hear from you or see you as you may be a reminder of something painful for her. I think the suggestion above about tending the grave and so on is a good way for you to deal with these feelings you have. Your son died but that doesn't mean his memory has to, and there's nothing more at this point that you can really do than that.

There are many men out there also in their 40s who are walking out on families and children right now. Don't place yourself in that same boat. You sound like a thoughtful and responsible person who got scared of a situation which occurred in their youth, and took the easy route out at the time. It was a mistake, and it's time you forgave yourself for it. Judge yourself on who you are now, not then.

eviltwin

I can understand your need to show this woman that you didn't just walk away and never think about her or her son again but I don't know if contacting her out of the blue is a good thing. Its probably going to be fairly hard for her to hear from you given that her son is now deceased and personally I think that would be quite selfish to bring up all that stuff just to make yourself feel better.

And would it make you feel better?

What if she is angry and rains abuse on you, are you going to be able to just walk away from that and tell yourself its okay now cause at least you've had your say?

First you have to learn to forgive yourself and counselling is the way to do that. And maybe then once you've moved past your own guilt it might be the right time to contact her but I think you need to be in a better place first. You've lost a son but the loss this woman has suffered has been so much greater and you have to respect that and be mindful of the impact you're contact may have. I'm sure you don't want to make her life harder than it already is.

Sleepmask

The message coming through in most of your replies is that I should probably go and talk to someone about this and try to deal with it properly before attempting to make contact. Maybe I'm not in a good place right now. Things have happened in my life recently that have probably stirred up the memories, feelings and emotions from that time in my life. Doing something impulsive when I'm possibly not thinking straight is probably a bad idea. I should really have made sure I got the letter to her when it was originally written.
I like the suggestion of tending my sons grave which I already do a bit of..... and writing him a letter and burying it. Maybe I should start there because the guilt and regret I feel is really centred around him and the fact that I never played a part in his life. The relationship with his mother had no future and I know that.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment and offer advice. I've never posted in a public forum like this before. It has been good to get the views of people looking at the situation without any emotional involvement.

silverbolt

antix80 wrote: »

Op sounds like she used you as a sperm donor & if anything you're owed the apology. The girl is in your past. You can't have a relationship with your son and reaching out to that girl won't change that.

But if it puts your mind at ease, say sorry, but keep it short ad simple. No need for a long letter.

How on earth does it sound like that? Where in the OP's post is there even a hint of that?

OP if you want to do this then Id make sure that you are in the right frame of mind to do so. You are very likely to open up an old wound and she very likely wont thank you for it.

antix80

silverbolt wrote: »

How on earth does it sound like that? Where in the OP's post is there even a hint of that?

It's a distinct possibility. Girl wants baby. Has sex with young and foolish guy without protection. (You'd want to be pretty stupid not to realise sex leads to a baby). Then, During the pregnancy tells the guy she's going it alone.

Sleepmask

antix80 I can say with certainty that was definitely not the case.

Rubberchikken

op
so sorry to read you're first post. how awful to lose a child without ever knowing them.
contact her if you still want to, and tell her honestly how you feel. she has to have gone through such a tough time also, so bear that in mind.
again, my sympathies. take care

Sleepmask

Sleepmask wrote: »

The message coming through in most of your replies is that I should probably go and talk to someone about this and try to deal with it properly before attempting to make contact. Maybe I'm not in a good place right now. Things have happened in my life recently that have probably stirred up the memories, feelings and emotions from that time in my life. Doing something impulsive when I'm possibly not thinking straight is probably a bad idea. I should really have made sure I got the letter to her when it was originally written.
I like the suggestion of tending my sons grave which I already do a bit of..... and writing him a letter and burying it. Maybe I should start there because the guilt and regret I feel is really centred around him and the fact that I never played a part in his life. The relationship with his mother had no future and I know that.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment and offer advice. I've never posted in a public forum like this before. It has been good to get the views of people looking at the situation without any emotional involvement.

I think you need to examine your motivation for getting in contact.

Unburdening yourself might make you feel better, but I don't think you'll get the reception you want and it might plunge her back to darker times. She has nothing to gain from your input, and that's something you'll have to live with if you care about her well-being now.

She should not be made responsible for healing your guilt or your regret, she's had enough to handle and needs to move forward instead of revisiting the past.

Try remember you were little more than a kid when this happened, and go easy on yourself. Hindsight is clear and cruel, but it's not always an accurate reflection of how things really were.

tupenny

I think you need to deal with this yourself and leave her be.
I don't see how contacting her now will be of any comfort to her.
Just my opinion

Sleepmask

That's the message I'm getting from most people alright.
But do you not think that there might be some comfort for her in knowing that I always thought of the boy as my son and never forgot him? Like I said as far as she's concerned I disappeared without a care in the world. Would it not be some comfort to know that the boys father actually did care?

LegacyUser

My child's father reacted similarly to you when I was pregnant.
Personally, if I was in that mothers position, I would not want to know. That's putting it politely. Sorry.
Then again, maybe she is a very different person to me.

I hope you seek help for yourself in dealing with this.

Sleepmask

Sleepmask wrote: »

That's the message I'm getting from most people alright.
But do you not think that there might be some comfort for her in knowing that I always thought of the boy as my son and never forgot him? Like I said as far as she's concerned I disappeared without a care in the world. Would it not be some comfort to know that the boys father actually did care?

I think it would make you feel better to tell her that, but if anything she would probably wonder why you didn't try to be part of his life before it was too late.

I think you have to accept that it's too little, too late, and that you'd just open up a can of 'what-ifs' for her. I believe it would be kinder to leave her alone instead of risking throwing her into fresh turmoil.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think the only person who could possibly gain from contacting her is you, and even then I think you run the risk of feeling much worse afterwards as your intrusion is unlikely to be welcomed.

tupenny

FWIW I agree 100% with Candy. Just couldn't put the words together without coming across v insensitive to you.

Shint0

OP, I was very moved by your post. I know somebody who had a child but didn't get to meet them for the first time until they were six years old because of a situation which was beyond his control although he always made sure the child was adequately provided for financially. He said for the first few years he would almost forget as if he had a child but it continued to eat away at him until he made the effort to meet the child even though it involved considerable personal risk to him to do so. He always regretted having missed out on the child's early years even though it was beyond his control.

In your situation you are dealing with a double layer of loss because you never had the opportunity to meet your child and they passed away far too soon so you are dealing with the effects of complicated grief. We have to understand that it's never possible to turn back the clock no matter what hurt we may have caused to others or what pain has been caused to us by the actions of others. People can go their whole lives with regrets and never get the chance to remedy them.

I think it might be helpful to try to find alternative ways to channel your grief in a way that's symbolic rather than trying to revist ghosts of the past. An example might be to get involved with managing or coaching a football team with kids from disadvantaged areas and to act as a mentor to them so they can have a positive influence in their lives. I've known people who are involved in that capacity which is why I'm just using that as an example.

You could also try to find a reputable charitable organisation to sponsor a child in a developing country although you would have to do your research to find one where any financial aid donated has the most direct impact on the welfare of child. I'm just using these as examples where you might be able to use your grief to have a direct positive impact. I really do hope you can find peace in time to accept what happened in the past and you did what you felt was best at the time for the mother and child by respecting her wishes.

Yellow pack crisps

Some seriously great advice so far OP. I actually thought about your situation today and how awful it must feel for you and indeed the child's mother. I would seriously side against contacting her for now as I don't think you have the mental strength at the moment to deal with it anyway. You really need to find a place where you are accepting of what happened before you should deal with what will probably not be an outcome you want from contacting the mother. I doubt she is over it and doubt she ever will be and regardless of the rights and wrongs of it she may well and justifiably be still not over it, speaking as a father I know I might learn to deal with something like that but I would never get over it and I would always be hurt and raw over it.

forestgirl

It's a really sad and extremely unfortunate that you're little son died.It is really nice you care for his grave and maybe grow little flowers or leave little things at the grave you think he would like,I think it will help you,It's only normal you would be so upset especially as you most probably have had more children and you are really really missing not having known you're little boy.You sound like a really nice person and you are suffering a lot,I can feel the pain in your post.remember every time you are at his grave you are spending time with him which is lovely,talk to him and tell him thingso, I honestly believe this is where you will find peace with yourself.If it was me I would buy a plot next to his grave if their was one available for myself for when my time comes