Struggling a bit

LegacyUser

As the title goes, struggling a bit with everything at the moment. I'm not sure there's any actual advice that can be offered, but I just need to put this out somewhere.

My job is really stressful (whose isn't) but usually either me or the person I work with end up having a bit of a cry at our desks most days. It's not very well paid, and I constantly feel i should be further along in my career than I am. I'm pretty ashamed of it.

I live alone, and I'm insanely lonely. I moved recently, I've no friends where I am. The only time I talk to people is in work.

I have pets, but they're at the end of their lives now. I just can't bear the thought of them being gone. They're all I have right now.

I split with my ex a year ago after a very long term relationship, and I know at this stage in my life it's unlikely I'll meet anyone, and certainly won't ever have a family. I feel like I put the best years of my life into it, for nothing.

I bought a new (to me) car as I've no other way of getting to my job, it keeps breaking down and the dealer just keeps handing it back saying there's nothing wrong with it. Every time it jolts or loses power, I feel sick for hours afterwards because I was so stupid to have bought it, and now I don't know what to do about it. It's out of warranty now, I'm sick with worry over whether it'll get me to work, and then whether it'll get me home. I do not have another penny I can put into it to get it right. Buses aren't an option with where I live and where I work.

I just don't see a way out of everything, because there's nothing I can point at and say 'If I fix this, things will be better'. I sleep badly, because I'll usually wake several times during the night worrying about work, or the car, or my pets, or money. I'm just in a constant state of panic, and I'm just worn out from it, and I've nobody to talk to about any of it. I could deal with most of these things by themselves, but it's just too much all at once. I feel like I'm drowning and I'll never actually get my head above the water. I miss having someone to listen and reason problems out with me, or just offer some support.

via4

I'm sorry to hear about your tough time. Everything is getting on top of you at the moment and your thoughts are in overdrive. Let's try ad break it down a little:
1. Your job
It's causing you a lot of stress and unhappiness you need to ( today ) start applying for other jobs no job is worth that stress
2. Your car
Go to a different mechanic and write down a paper and give it to him everything that is happening and ask about a payment plan to pay for repairs that you are very stuck atm
3. Loneliness
This is always Guna be a toughie I struggle with this one a lot. As every time someone posts on boards about loneliness the only really advice to give is to join clubs or groups bite the bullet and go alone it's the only way. Try and reconnect with old friends even if it means going back home to see them every once in a while. It's a pain making the effort at times but it needs to be done to stop from feeling isolated.
I hope this makes you feel a little better xx

That's really, really tough. Poor you. Sending you a hug. You're dealing with a huge sense of loss from the relationship and the loss of hopes and dreams associated with it, while feeling all alone and full of worry and dread about life, the car and the impending loss of your beloved pets. Then work is a nightmare on top of things too. How awful.

I would suggest three courses of action.

1. Begin with some self credit. Start giving yourself credit for the things you have achieved in life, and give yourself credit for everything you manage every day, even if this is just getting out of bed, making a hard phone call, finishing a difficult task, looking after the pets, preparing a good meal. Give yourself credit. Let go of the shame about your career and replace it with a list of the things you've achieved in education and work. Don't compare with others. Comparison is the thief of joy.

2. Make a list of things that can be changed and a list of things that can't. Be optimistic, it's only a list. Then set about making changes on the things you can control, one little nibble at a time, and take a look at your thinking on the things you can't. Can you think differently about them? Could you even get help with managing them? Do you have a parent you could ask for help? An aunt? A friend? I know myself how hard it is to ask for help but any time anyone had asked me to help them I've been so grateful to be able to do it.

3. Values. Make a list of things that you need to be happy in a day, a week, a month and in life in general. For me, I need to feel like I've done some work every day, and laugh at least a few times, and have contact with friends at least twice a week etc. I need to feel like my work is meaningful etc. Your own values will be different. Make a long list of the things that would make you happy and then pursue them. This means making actual changes which, when you're depressed and anxious, is very challenging, but you can do it. It also means taking risks. I'd guess you're not putting yourself out there just now meeting new people, as you're overwhelmed. But even one new friend can be a ray of sunshine, so it's worth the energy it takes to make and nurture friendships.

Don't give up on yourself yet. No doubt you've got a lot to give and a lot to look forward to. Be kind to yourself.

Wesser

Good advice for life in general mystery egg.

LegacyUser

Thank you via4 and Mystery Egg for the advice and kind words.

I don't have anyone I can turn to at all - I can't get to my friends as I'm afraid to drive my car anywhere other than to or from work, and they're not really around any more anyway - their lives have moved on.
My dad hasn't spoken to me in a month over something he thought I meant despite me explaining several times, and my sister wouldn't be someone you could turn to.

I tried making a list today of my options - the car is my major worry and from searching and talking to dealers about a trade in, my only option is to keep repairing it and try keep it on the road. I've spent more time driving loaners and rentals since I bought it than I have driving the car itself. I just feel so trapped and helpless.

I'm going to try harder to get my life where it needs to be.

Fakediamond

Definitely ask around locally for a good mechanic. I find the small local guys much better than the big garages/dealerships and much more honest and reliable. It could be a simple problem. If that worry was sorted you'd probably feel much better.

As others have said, start to build a social life in your new area, it might be a book club, walking club, night class, bonding with others who are mad about their pets. I moved to a rural area later in life and now have a small group of good friends. We all need someone to talk to and share qualitry time. I also invite friends to visit at weekends, if you live in the country, city based friends love coming to stay. Voluntary work is also a great way to meet new people. If you don't live in the country, invite them anyway, most people love to stay over, have a nice dinner, glass of wine, good chat.

I wouldn't give up on romantic relationships just yet, there are lots of older singles looking to meet someone! I know it's not as easy but I find that friends are good at engineering introductions and dates.

The job sounds like a nightmare and needs to be sorted. If that can't be done with your employer, then start looking for a new job asap.

LegacyUser

Thanks Fakediamond - I did find a reasonably good mechanic that has done work on it so far, but every time something is fixed, something else goes wrong. I'll leave it in again Monday but I know this issue costs a lot to fix.

My job isn't actually that bad, I do love where I work, just the work itself can really take it out of you, my boss is aware of the issues and is working on making it better, but I guess none of us can see the light at the end of the tunnel yet! I think Friday was just a very hard day, and the car breaking down and loneliness of weekends just got to me.

Absolutely right though, I do need to start getting out and meeting people, I suffer from a lot of social anxiety and any situation that isn't home or work can stress me out. But it's not going to get any better if I keep hiding away from it. I suppose I've had my few months of hiding in the house and now its time to push back out there.

You've all made me feel a lot better, I guess I just needed to get the words out there.

The car sounds like it is a huge issue, both practically and as a mental block. Would it be possible to obtain a credit union loan to supplement a trade in?

I'm very sorry your dad is being petty and distant, how awful. Regarding the friends who have moved on, some of them might be thrilled to hear from you and receive an invite to visit. The worst that can happen is they wont respond to an invite.

Feel free to keep talking things out here if it helps. Hang on in there. This terrible time in your life will pass.

Sorry, my post above is a bit irrelevant as I'd not seen your most recent post when I wrote it.

Sending you a virtual hug!

LegacyUser

Today I decided I had to act on the car, so I rang the place that was doing the work for me, they told me to bring it in today and they'd lend me a car. I mentioned to them I wanted to change the car but had limited funds, and he said it wasn't the end of the world, if I wanted to change cars, they could sort some affordable options out for me. They'd call tomorrow with whatever was wrong, and I could decide whether to repair or trade in. I'll be making a considerable financial loss either way, but I suppose thats a lesson learned.

So that's one thing off my list, in a way.

Shint0

Just to say, OP, if you are getting another car if at all possible try to bring somebody with you who might know about cars just to give it the once over before you buy. I understand your social circle might be limited so you might not know anybody who could do this for you. An independent mechanic can look at it too but obviously they would charge for that service. If it's an approved garage they might offer a three month warranty but you should at least get them to declare in writing that it's structually sound at the time of buying.

The Motor forum here on Boards is also excellent with lots of knowledgable people so you could ask there if you have any questions or concerns about any future car you might be interested in. There's also a Bangernomics thread in the same forum where people recommend and give their opinion on slightly older cars which appear to be in good condition but good value and affordable. Don't be afraid to ask questions there or to any garage or seller to try to avoid as much stress as possible with the next purchase.

Fakediamond

http://https://ia802607.us.archive.org/34/items/FeelTheFearAndDoItAnyway/Feel%20the%20Fear%20and%20Do%20It%20Anyway.txt

I hope I'm successfully posting a link to a free online version of Susan Jeffers book - Feel the Fear and Do If Anyway, which is recommended reading for social anxiety and just for dealing with life generally. If the link doesn't work, it's available in every library and most charity shops!

Hollister11

Fakediamond wrote: »

http://https://ia802607.us.archive.org/34/items/FeelTheFearAndDoItAnyway/Feel%20the%20Fear%20and%20Do%20It%20Anyway.txt

I hope I'm successfully posting a link to a free online version of Susan Jeffers book - Feel the Fear and Do If Anyway, which is recommended reading for social anxiety and just for dealing with life generally. If the link doesn't work, it's available in every library and most charity shops!

Link doesn't work.

Esel

Hollister11 wrote: »

Link doesn't work.

Fixed it.

https://ia802607.us.archive.org/34/items/FeelTheFearAndDoItAnyway/Feel%20the%20Fear%20and%20Do%20It%20Anyway.txt

Airyfairy12

Could you go to group therapy? There's no shame in it, it might just give you a support network and something to fall back on, also having a good vent once a week to a group of people and a councillor who will offer you support and a different perspective can do a world of good. Also CBT is great for social anxiety and is only about 8 sessions long. Prioritize your mental health otherwise it can spiral and lead to bigger problems.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone again.

I'm going to look for group therapy where I am - I really need to talk to someone I think.

LegacyUser

Things got really bad for me this week, I was really stressed out in work and over the car, and my dad still not speaking to me, and money, and a host of other things that I just shut down on Thursday, I went in to work on Friday but ended up leaving at 10 as I just couldn't stop shaking. I made a few colossal mistakes as well as I haven't been able to concentrate, I had to send an email to my boss basically asking him to dig me out.

I went to the garage that have my car in for repairs to try give back the car I've been test driving but can't afford, they said not to worry, they'd get me sorted within my means one way or another, and to keep the car for another few days, go home and not worry. I went home and slept then for a few hours with relief but awake again with anxiety a few hours later.

I've lost almost a stone since last weekend, my heart is pounding non stop. I had to take a xanax last night so that I'd be calm enough today to hopefully eat something. I've always had depression but this level of anxiety is something entirely new, it's never been this intense or lasted this long, I'm scared I'm going to lose my job over it. I'm so envious of people who have someone to turn to or talk to at times like this, I keep blaming myself for letting myself be so alone

ivytwine

Aw OP I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Would you consider one on one therapy? I think it might be more beneficial than group?
There's also a great thread in the Long Term Illness forum for people with anxiety or depression, it's a lovely place to vent and get support x

Airyfairy12

ivytwine wrote: »

Aw OP I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Would you consider one on one therapy? I think it might be more beneficial than group?
There's also a great thread in the Long Term Illness forum for people with anxiety or depression, it's a lovely place to vent and get support x

Group therapy is often much more helpful than one on one therapy, it lets you see that youre not alone, helps you relate to others, encourages you to support others and allows others to support you, it helps to strengthen relationships and social skills while working through your problems like you would in regular therapy. Its also very effective in treating social anxiety.

Struggling a bit wrote: »

Things got really bad for me this week, I was really stressed out in work and over the car, and my dad still not speaking to me, and money, and a host of other things that I just shut down on Thursday, I went in to work on Friday but ended up leaving at 10 as I just couldn't stop shaking. I made a few colossal mistakes as well as I haven't been able to concentrate, I had to send an email to my boss basically asking him to dig me out.

I went to the garage that have my car in for repairs to try give back the car I've been test driving but can't afford, they said not to worry, they'd get me sorted within my means one way or another, and to keep the car for another few days, go home and not worry. I went home and slept then for a few hours with relief but awake again with anxiety a few hours later.

I've lost almost a stone since last weekend, my heart is pounding non stop. I had to take a xanax last night so that I'd be calm enough today to hopefully eat something. I've always had depression but this level of anxiety is something entirely new, it's never been this intense or lasted this long, I'm scared I'm going to lose my job over it. I'm so envious of people who have someone to turn to or talk to at times like this, I keep blaming myself for letting myself be so alone

Op you need to seek help, you wont feel better until you do. Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist.

Ursus Horribilis

Would it be possible for you to move jobs/area? Preferably back to nearer your original area where you'll have familiar faces and perhaps other family members who are speaking to you. From what I can make out, the only thing keeping you where you are is this job. The one that makes you and another colleague cry! I don't care whether it's a good job or a bad job or a worthwhile job. It's contributing towards the dip in your mental health.

I also think you badly need to see a gp and get one to one counselling before you crack. In the meantime would you think about giving The Samaritans a call? You sound desperately lonely and talking to someone would help.

mvt

That sounds like a very good garage that you are dealing with !!:)
Easy for me to say but you are waay over thinking it- break it down into more manageable bites.

best of luck, it will all work out.

Fakediamond

Please go to your G.P. without delay OP. You need support to get you through this rough patch.

Although you're overwhelmed right now, not every day or week of your life in the future will be like this. As others have said, take it one step at a time, if you could just sort one thing (the car maybe?) you'd probably feel a bit brighter.

banoffe2

Hi OP
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch at present, well done on reaching out for help, talk to your GP, when things get overwhelming the feelings can be all consuming, believe in yourself, you can and will get through this stressful patch, take one day at a time. Best of luck to you X