A question of thought.

Amprodude

OK so I'm really good friends with this girl at work but she is a lot older than me. She is always texting me more so now than ever. She has been moved to different department lately in work and i really got on well with her before she moved. she now wants me to come to her house with my girlfriend and she will cook us dinner. I told her there was no need, but she kept being persistent and kept asking me to come with my girlfriend and in the end I just said there is no need but thanks all the same, now she isn't talking to me and is sulking. She is very sensitive and she is taking this the wrong way but I simply don't want her to be going to the trouble of making me and my girlfriend dinner. My girlfriend doesn't know this woman and I don't want her asking me questions of who is this woman etc. So I hope I handled the situation alright. If people can help me out in what to do I would greatly appreciate your input here. Thanks.

sullivlo

mod

Going to move this to personal issues. You'll get more helpful responses there.

Amprodude

sullivlo wrote: »

mod

Going to move this to personal issues. You'll get more helpful responses there.

Thank you

antix80

She might have a silly and slightly socially inappropriate crush on you.
But, seeing as you have a gf who probably doesn't particularly to have dinner with this lady, you're probably doing the right thing by turning down her offer.
I don't think you need an excuse, just something along the lines of "thank you for the offer but I'd rather not"
As for how to treat her at work.. well, keep it cool and professional.

Loveinapril

So you are really good friends with this woman in work, she moved departments so has invited you and your girlfriend to come to her home as a social visit? What is the big deal?

Maybe she wants to be friends outside of work. I don't know why we always have to jump to the inappropriate place of 'she might have a crush' or 'what will i tell my girlfriend'?'. Maybe she wants to have a proper non- work related friendship. If you don't want to see her outside of work, then you managed it okay. You should have been more direct in your language though, "no thanks" would have worked. If you genuinely don't want her putting herself out then you should have come up with a suggestion, like "don't go to the trouble of cooking dinner. Let's meet for a coffee/ drink".

via4

I have to agree that I think you did the right thing your gut said no so you went with that. Looking at it from the gf point of view she would be going to a strangers house to get her dinner handed to her by her bf work colleuge who is female. I'm the most open minded person in the world but if it was just the three of them it would be a little weird to me. If it was a dinner party with more people there I would say you should have went it would have been a lovely evening.

Amprodude

antix80 wrote: »

She might have a silly and slightly socially inappropriate crush on you.
But, seeing as you have a gf who probably doesn't particularly to have dinner with this lady, you're probably doing the right thing by turning down her offer.
I don't think you need an excuse, just something along the lines of "thank you for the offer but I'd rather not"
As for how to treat her at work.. well, keep it cool and professional.

Yeah I declined the offer by saying "no need to go to that trouble seriously" " i wouldnt be able to give you an exact date as to when we both would be available to call so we will let it be" but i did suggest to meet her for some food after work to celebrate I think myself that was the best thing to do.

Colser

I'm reading between the lines here and maybe I'm wrong but is the real issue here that you don't want your girlfriend to query the invite..surely if you were that friendly with the woman then your girlfriend would at least know about her.

She sounds a bit pushy tbh..why would she want you both to call to her house,surely meeting for a coffee or drink would be more normal if you're only work colleagues?

Loveinapril

Colser wrote: »

She sounds a bit pushy tbh..why would she want you both to call to her house,surely meeting for a coffee or drink would be more normal if you're only work colleagues?

The OP started the post saying they were really good friends. Maybe his colleague felt like it was okay to invite her friend to dinner, and to make sure the OP knew there was no ulterior motive, she invited his girlfriend too.

Amprodude

Colser wrote: »

I'm reading between the lines here and maybe I'm wrong but is the real issue here that you don't want your girlfriend to query the invite..surely if you were that friendly with the woman then your girlfriend would at least know about her.

She sounds a bit pushy tbh..why would she want you both to call to her house,surely meeting for a coffee or drink would be more normal if you're only work colleagues?

Yes my girlfriend doesn't know her in person and yes if i say it to my girlfriend she will want to know who is this girl and its just trouble, I really don't need trying to explain to my girlfriend. If I was to look at it the other way around and my gf was taking me to a mans house who was great friends with her and i didnt know him, and we were going for dinner, I would find it strange and I would be asking questions even if he was a work colleague or good friends with my gf. I would be more happier to meet her for drinks somewhere with my girlfriend if she wanted to meet her.

Shint0

Some people look at these things differently. I was in a relationship with somebody for a few years. He had various female friends/colleagues through his work. Some of them had boyfriends/partners and some of them didn't. They would invite us around to their home for dinner. Sometimes he would meet up with them individually for drinks, the ones who had boyfriends and the ones who didn't. I knew they were close friends but I never found it odd or questioned it because I knew they were just really good friends and wasn't going to dictate to him who he was allowed be friends with. I trusted him and I have never got jealous in relationships.

Your work colleague might simply just want to be friendly and establish of network a friends. Some work environments don't lend themselves to forming friendships while others do. It might all just be totally innocent but if you wish to keep your private life and your work life separate that's your choice too.

Colser

Amprodude wrote:

Yes my girlfriend doesn't know her in person and yes if i say it to my girlfriend she will want to know who is this girl and its just trouble, I really don't need trying to explain to my girlfriend. If I was to look at it the other way around and my gf was taking me to a mans house who was great friends with her and i didnt know him, and we were going for dinner, I would find it strange and I would be asking questions even if he was a work colleague or good friends with my gf. I would be more happier to meet her for drinks somewhere with my girlfriend if she wanted to meet her.

I completely understand that,can I ask why she texts you all the time,is it just general chat or do you think that there's more to it?I'm not implying anything but I'd have absolutely no reason to text any of my male work colleagues so I'm wondering why a much older woman would be texting you so often,is she friendly with many others in work ?

Shint0

Colser wrote: »

I completely understand that,can I ask why she texts you all the time,is it just general chat or do you think that there's more to it?I'm not implying anything but I'd have absolutely no reason to text any of my male work colleagues so I'm wondering why a much older woman would be texting you so often,is she friendly with many others in work ?

If this woman had romantic interests in the OP would she invite the girlfriend too? Somewhere I used to work the colleague I was closest to was a man who was a bit older than me and we became good friends. We always helped each other out in work and outside of work if either of us needed help with something. We didn't always get to meet up too often as we lived quite a distance apart but we regularly had long conversations on the phone just shooting the breeze.

His wife knew we were friends and there was no ulterior motive on my part. His marriage did subsequently end but it was absolutely nothing to do with our friendship as he had quite a large number of people in his network, men and women. Friendships have to be mutual, though, and it looks like the OP just has no desire to be friends with this lady.

Amprodude

Shint0 wrote: »

Friendships have to be mutual, though, and it looks like the OP just has no desire to be friends with this lady.

I don't know how you think that? It would be fine if my gf knew this woman but she doesn't. I think she would need to meet her first at the very least before asking us around for dinner. Anyway I think myself it just opens up a can of unnessary worms which I don't want. My gf is sensitive so trying to explain that to her would be difficult, I think she would have to meet her first at the very least out in a pub or cafe abd then maybe after go for dinner.

Shint0

Sorry, OP, I thought you meant you didn't want to have any form of friendship outside of work with this lady. So is the issue more about your girlfriend being sensitive? If your girlfriend wasn't generally sensitive would you be interested to accept this lady's offer for you both to go round to her house for dinner?

Amprodude

Shint0 wrote: »

Sorry, OP, I thought you meant you didn't want to have any form of friendship outside of work with this lady. So is the issue more about your girlfriend being sensitive? If your girlfriend wasn't generally sensitive would you be interested to accept this lady's offer for you both to go round to her house for dinner?

It would just cause complications I feel by saying it to my gf.

Loveinapril

Amprodude wrote: »

It would just cause complications I feel by saying it to my gf.

You are heading down a slippery slope if your girlfriend's sensitivity is dictating who you can/ can't see socially.

Rachiee

It sounds like the invitation was a testing the waters now that shes moved departments she wants to see if you can still be friends by maintaining a friendship outside the workplace.
I personally dont think there is anything weird or ackward about having people over for dinner, and she doesnt either so the refusal to attend in her mind was probably a refusal of friendship outside of work.
If you actually do want to be friends with her outside of work then be clear with her that you really appreciated the offer but would just rather do coffee drinks and come forward with a date to do so.