wife's "post natal depression"

rickis tache

Had an argument with the wife a few weeks ago about a few things that built up over the last year.

It had been brewing and the issues aren't what I am here about as I believe we can work through them. Just the normal day to day stuff like cleaning minding kids and having time for each other. We share the first two fine.

My question here is that my wife said at the height of the argument that she thinks " she has post natal depression".

I suggested that we get help with it but after calming down she said she could get through it alone. I mentioned that she had said this before after the birth of our first ( now have 2) and nothing was done.

She doesn't show anyother signs that I can see and in general looks and acts fine.

I worry that if she IS depressed she will go back to what she used to be like without serving at least the smallest bit of advice from a doctor.

I know this is a vague post but need to keep a lot of the details thus.
Any suggestions as how to get her to see if it's as bad as she says.

silverbolt

Pride is an absolute killer when it comes to depression. One of the hardest steps is admitting to yourself and others that you do need help.

However in saying that, it might not be depression. It could be stress, exhaustion, are there other factors - including yourself and things you do that could be causing this?

Aimeee

Is the public health nurse still involved with your wife & second child? I'm thinking if baby is in early months still the ph nurse might be visiting. Would your wife discuss it with her; ie what to look out for/be aware of etc in a general kind of way. Might lead to some helpful discussion etc.

Keane2baMused

She needs support.

The biggest misconception is that people who look fine couldn't be depressed.

Sure depressed people don't wash and just stay in bed all day contributing nothing....or so society has stigmatised it as.

Nurture is an excellent support group I recommend you encourage her to contact.

LegacyUser

People with depression often look and act fine on the surface and it can very difficult for them to seek help. Often when people try to speak to them about the issue it's during a "good" period and they think they can manage. When they are at their lowest is usually away from other people. Post natal depression can be very tricky as women often feel they are bad mothers if they can't deal with it on their own. Be supportive and try encourage her to speak with her GP without being pushy or demanding. Make her aware it's not a judgement on her abilities as a mother to seek help and support.

professore

This is such a difficult issue for both spouses. The husband is accused of being overly fussy, over reacting etc and at the end of the day isn't a doctor and can't drag his wife by the hair to the GP. The wife often doesn't know she has a problem, or does but is too proud or afraid to admit it. And this is in cases where the husband even notices something is off. Very very tough issue. I don't know what to say to you other than to try to go to the GP, preferably together.

Maybe see if you can talk to a female friend / family member to help convince her.

professore

silverbolt wrote: »

Pride is an absolute killer when it comes to depression. One of the hardest steps is admitting to yourself and others that you do need help.

However in saying that, it might not be depression. It could be stress, exhaustion, are there other factors - including yourself and things you do that could be causing this?

I doubt if he was that type of man he would be on here looking for advice.

zoe 3619

professore wrote: »

I doubt if he was that type of man he would be on here looking for advice.

Think it was the wife's pride being refered to.

Dravokivich

If she genuinely made that comment, she really needs to consult with someone over it. If she doesn't it can lead to further difficulties. She will by one of a very low number if she can get a handle on it herself. From my own experience it's very hard and tiring to support someone who doesn't want the help.

rickis tache

Op here. Update. Still no change in wifes "condition ". All good day to day with her. But things not being done around the house unless I do it or if I ask her to the tears start again.

She still won't seek help and it's getting worse by the week.

She will be gone away for the weekend with friends and seems to be looking forward to it. So going to wait till she returns and ask again if she wants to get help but I can't help think she is just using it as an excuse for when i ask her to help out.

ladyella

Pnd is a very very hard thing to talk to anyone about. Is your wife still seeing the Phn with baby? If she is could you attend the next appt with her to encourage the conversation along? That she's going out with her friends though is good. Best of luck

DivineMsM

As someone who had bad PND and was told to 'cop on' and 'stop wallowing' by my (now ex) husband...
I didn't show many outwards signs. I showered, cleaned house, looked after my baby, cooked dinner. But inside I was falling apart and needed help badly.
Using quotes to refer to her "post natal depression" and her "condition" shows that you have no respect for what she is saying.
Innocent until proved guilty.
If she says she thinks she had PND- accept that she has. Help and support her.
Not all PND needs doctors and medical intervention.
Some mums just need support, love, hugs and no pressure.
Maybe try doing that and not judging her. The inside of anyones head is a complicated place. Add in hormones, giving birth and a new baby, and its a minefield. If you help, support, love and nurture her for a few weeks and she is still dis-improving- well then is the time to seek medical help.
I would say there are very, very few women out there who would lie and use PND as an excuse just to avoid housework.

dudara

I echo what many have said here - depression is a weird beast and doesn't always manifest itself with dirty clothes and unwashed hair. But it is a very scary place to be.

Ultimately though, people who are suffering from depression need to make the decision themselves to fight it. Until they face up to it internally, external pressure is just too overwhelming and paralysing.

So my advice, be there for your wife. Support her, do not pressure her. Perhaps you could contact your GP to ask their advice on how to help your wife.

rickis tache

update. she wants out. Nothing else will do. she wants me to leave house. Says no one else involved just tired of me.

destroyed isn't even close to describing how I feel.

Turtle_

rickis tache wrote: »

update. she wants out. Nothing else will do. she wants me to leave house. Says no one else involved just tired of me.

destroyed isn't even close to describing how I feel.

Why should you leave? It's as much your home as it is hers. Don't leave if you don't want to, let her leave if she wants out. Stay in your home with your child.

But... This might be PND. She possibly feels undeserving of love or affection or care. That very well might be the root of this, she might be "sparing" you from her, and she's possibly incapable of feeling anything for anyone right now.
Maybe don't rule out the possibility that this is the PND talking, and that she might want to come back.

But absolutely don't leave your own home, and don't let her take your child from you.

Eta: send her an email, talk about how you love her and want to support her. How you believe this could be PND causing the problem, how you really want her to get support so you can try to remain a family.

Why? Apart from maybe helping, it's evidence of your side of the story should things get nasty...

LegacyUser

rickis tache wrote: »

update. she wants out. Nothing else will do. she wants me to leave house. Says no one else involved just tired of me.

destroyed isn't even close to describing how I feel.

rickis tache wrote: »

update. she wants out. Nothing else will do. she wants me to leave house. Says no one else involved just tired of me.

destroyed isn't even close to describing how I feel.

I have just been through a similar experience with my wife...she finished it after over a year of things not being great after our second child arrived. She wanted me gone but I knew there was much more to it, we tried counselling etc but no good. It was like she had a complete block on everything to do with our marriage, so eventually I stepped back and spoke to a family member of hers, who also saw signs of depression. I let her sister be the one to try and guide her to get help from her GP, rather than me, and eventually she got help when she was ready.

I'm not saying it's the same situation for you but my advice to you would be as follows, if you really feel that depression is a factor here...
1. Back off and give some space (I didn't leave the home though).
2. Can you talk to someone perhaps a sister or friend if she has one that she gets on with and you can trust?
3. If you have someone close to her to talk with, and they are seeing the same signs you are in her, then ask them to talk to your wife, but without mentioning your conversation.
4. Let that trusted person try and guide her to get help, that is if depression genuinely is an issue.

We put down a horrible year but are out the other side now, and back on an even keel, thank god. I'm not saying this will work for you but try and be patient, don't give up if you think that depression is a major factor here, and try to just be there if and when she needs you. I was lucky that I had someone to involve that she trusted, and also saw the same signs of depression, this was the key to saving my marriage.

rickis tache

going to take your advice here and talk to her sister. she currently leaves the house early and comes back about an hour before I work in evening. Won't say where she's gone or with who.