HSV2 / Herpes

Louise1234

Hi ladies,

So as the post title suggests I'm looking for advice on dealing with HSV2 more commonly known as genital herpes. I don't need medical advice at all as have spoken to the clinic and my GP and have it under control... It's more advice on how to get on with life from an emotional viewpoint.

I was passed the virus by my ex who knew he had it but failed to tell me (how nice of him).
I had a few outbreaks so have gone on suppressive therapy which is working fine, I feel physically fine but emotionally am falling apart at the moment. I totally steered clear of men for a while afterwards until recently thinking ok I'm open to meeting someone and seeing how things go. Met a lovely guy and we clicked right away, after a few weeks we were getting closer and I trusted him so told him about the infection. He then disappeared off the face of the planet. I told him all the factual info and that with condoms and the meds I'm taking there's only a 1% chance per year that he would aquire it... I understood there was about a 30/70 chance of him sticking around but didn't expect him to totally ghost me.

Has anyone had any experience with anything similar? I've read plenty of stories on other forums but they are mainly US based. It's so unheard / unspoken of here - am just reaching out to see if anyone has any advice or experience.

TIA.

sullivlo

Mod

We'll leave this open and here for now, but zero medical advice is to be given.

There will be no judgement passed either. Constructive, civil posts only.

This is your first and only warning. Anything that goes against this or the charter will result in cards.

Louise1234

sullivlo wrote: »

Mod

We'll leave this open and here for now, but zero medical advice is to be given.

There will be no judgement passed either. Constructive, civil posts only.

This is your first and only warning. Anything that goes against this or the charter will result in cards.

Sorry should it be posted elsewhere? I'm not looking for any medical advice as stated above, just some advice on how to emotionally manage the associated issues. If it needs to be moved that's no problem if you can direct me to the appropriate forum?

sullivlo

Mod

Moved to PI on request of OP. The PI charter now applies.

CdeC

I'm not aware of the outbreaks for HSV2 and how often they happen.

would you need to tell your partner right away? Condoms do protect so keep using them.

If you suffered from coldsores would you tell someone after a few weeks. No. Just go on with your life and manage the outbreaks.

I have worked on herpes infection in a previous job (research) but based on a the HSV1 strain which mostly affects the eye and mouth. From what I learned a lot of people carry the virus but only some people suffer from outbreaks. This is because most peoples immune system deals with the virus so it doesn't ever manage to run into it's replication cycle.

But there are triggers and I would recommend you do a lot of research and find out what works for you.
I'll write what I know below. It is not medical advice but just my own knowledge around the issue.
Some triggers for HSV1 outbreak include

1. Sunlight. So wear lots of suncream when on holidays
2. immune suppression. So those party weekends can leave you run down and cause an outbreak. This may mean a change in lifestyle if you're a bit of a drinker/partyer
3. Same as above look into eating better, stronger you are the less likely the virus is to reappear
4. The amino acid lysine is also meant to help against HSV1 outbreaks. I wont go into how. This is available in health food stores as a supplement. You can research that yourself. (mods I hope this is ok, it's a common knowledge thing and not a drug)

I reiterate this is for HSV1 but there is nothing above that is potentially harmful, just common sense. I have never suffered from coldsores but a mate of mine, after a big weekend. Bang it'd be on his lip.
Now it's not exactly the same but worth looking into as to manage it better. You'll barely remember you have it.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Just thought I'd leave you a reply as I was in your position a couple years ago and just like you couldn't get many stories on Irish people going through it.

I know it's really hard to come to terms with at the start but believe me when I say it does get better in time, you'll come to terms with it and the more you learn about it the easier it is to manage mentally.

It really is a taboo subject here over in Ireland but it is so much more common than people believe. A lot of people carry the virus and never know about it until they pass it on to someone else who has a breakout from it. Normal STD tests don't test for it, only when symptoms appear as a special blood test is needed when there are none and most people think they're clear of it after being tested normally.

Of course not everyone you meet is going to be okay with it and that's okay but you will meet people also who don't have a problem with it, I've met a lot of people who don't think it's a big deal and I believe people who get cold sores would be more sympathetic also so don't worry about not meeting somebody who'll understand because you will.

I think the best thing you can do is take a break from dating and that for awhile and just concentrate on your well being both physically and mentally. Do nice things for yourself, take up a new hobby, exercise more etc. and the rest will follow.

Good luck OP, you'll get through it I promise

Louise1234

UnderstandingUser123 wrote: »

Hi Op,

Just thought I'd leave you a reply as I was in your position a couple years ago and just like you couldn't get many stories on Irish people going through it.

I know it's really hard to come to terms with at the start but believe me when I say it does get better in time, you'll come to terms with it and the more you learn about it the easier it is to manage mentally.

It really is a taboo subject here over in Ireland but it is so much more common than people believe. A lot of people carry the virus and never know about it until they pass it on to someone else who has a breakout from it. Normal STD tests don't test for it, only when symptoms appear as a special blood test is needed when there are none and most people think they're clear of it after being tested normally.

Of course not everyone you meet is going to be okay with it and that's okay but you will meet people also who don't have a problem with it, I've met a lot of people who don't think it's a big deal and I believe people who get cold sores would be more sympathetic also so don't worry about not meeting somebody who'll understand because you will.

I think the best thing you can do is take a break from dating and that for awhile and just concentrate on your well being both physically and mentally. Do nice things for yourself, take up a new hobby, exercise more etc. and the rest will follow.

Good luck OP, you'll get through it I promise

I can't even thank you enough for your reply. It makes such a difference to know there's other people closer to home in a similar situation. I was all over the Internet trying to find Irish people or stories or support.

I've discussed this with a few of my close friends and none of us know of anyone else with the virus genitally.. I mean clearly based on the stats we know people with it, it's just not a topic of conversation and most people don't even know they have it. I feel pretty alone and after this last week it's really turned me off opening up to a guy about it again. I am a really honest person and felt like I was lying by omission by not telling him pretty soon.. In hindsight I told him too soon. You'd swear I had the plague or was purposefully trying to do something harmful to him by the way he's treated me. I am hopeful though that not everyone will be so harsh... It's just been a pretty horrendous first disclosure.

I'll definitely take some time out to just try feel normal again... I know it sounds dramatic but the whole thing has stripped away my self esteem and I'm just not myself right now. Again, thanks so much for responding.

Rekop dog

Have you sought legal advice for the lad who recklessly passed it on to you knowing he had it? I'm not sure of our criminal laws but probably worth investigating, for me that offence really should face severe punishment.

Re the second guy, sounds like a bit of a coward, I mean he's obviously free to exercise caution and not take the risk however small it is but to completely ghost you with complete disregard to your feelings is pretty low but sadly pretty common these days.

Shint0

Rekop dog wrote: »

Have you sought legal advice for the lad who recklessly passed it on to you knowing he had it? I'm not sure of our criminal laws but probably worth investigating, for me that offence really should face severe punishment.

Re the second guy, sounds like a bit of a coward, I mean he's obviously free to exercise caution and not take the risk however small it is but to completely ghost you with complete disregard to your feelings is pretty low but sadly pretty common these days.

I don't know if anyone would be able to take legal action in this type of scenario. Out of all the STDs it's probably the least serious and people build up immunity quite quickly. My understanding is that the HSV 1 more commonly associated with lip cold sores can potentially pose more health complications than the HSV 2 which the OP is talking about here yet nobody would ever take legal action against somebody for getting the cold sore virus which is so easily transmitted and can be passed from parents to children.

OP, as lots of people aren't even aware that they might have it as some people never experience symptoms but can still be a carrier you could explain that to any future partner that they could already have it themselves without even knowing. You could probably start a conversation by asking them if they have any STDs they know of and then go on to explain your situation but in the overall scheme of things it's not that serious compared to other STDs. Most people develop antibodies after the first few episodes which leads to far fewer episodes over time.

Louise1234

I didn't seek legal advice but looked it up and don't think it's illegal over here. I wouldnt be bothered doing anything in that regard anyway tbh, no money or payout is going to get rid of this virus for me.

I finally heard back from the guy I'd been seeing and he just said it'd always be on his mind and it would get to him to not be carefree and passionate with the woman in his life.
So i guess the risk factor plus the fact of having to use condoms just wasnt for him, which is fair enough... I just would have liked to be told outright instead of me having to contact him again to get some feedback.

I fear this is going to be how my life plays out for the next while though

LegacyUser

OP, I don't have herpes, but genital warts so I can relate in some ways. It's an extraordinarily awkward conversation to have so early and I guess is very off putting for people.

I found out I had it while I was in a relationship, and as it is something that can lay dormant for a time I don't know who I got it from. I was utterly devastated at the time, plus the treatment for warts is seriously sore, freeze burn my bits, owww!! Anyway I was mortified to tell my boyfriend, but we couldn't know which one of us had it first and he was very sweet about the whole thing and hugged me while I bawled my eyes out.

Since then I've had 3 regular sexual partners and none of them reacted badly when I told them. Maybe I've been 'lucky', maybe you've been 'unlucky', who know. I think having that conversation as well as being awkward in a very obvious way, is also difficult because it brings a level of seriousness into the very early stages of a relationship that wouldn't otherwise be there.

It's a crappy situation to be in, made even worse by the shame around stuff like this. We absolutely shouldn't feel ashamed tho, just because it's sexually transmitted it's somehow viewed as worse.

I do think you will feel better in time, I certainly did. And maybe it's just the case that you have to hold off on sex for longer, so you're more comfortable with the person by the time you have that converstaion

LegacyUser

Hi Louise, just my own experience...

Like you, I contacted genital herpes when I was 19 from my boyfriend at the time. He never had any symptoms but passed it to me and I had an horrific outbreak.....

but I've only ever had one outbreak and I am now 37!

I was horrified at the beginning and when we broke up when I was 21, I thought I could/would never be sexually active again until I met my husband. I told him after 3 dates that I had it and we wore protection. Over the years we have stopped using protection and he has never had an outbreak.

It gets easier but I definitely know how you feel - its very taboo and only my sister and my husband now I had/have it.

Louise1234

similar478486 wrote: »

OP, I don't have herpes, but genital warts so I can relate in some ways. It's an extraordinarily awkward conversation to have so early and I guess is very off putting for people.

I found out I had it while I was in a relationship, and as it is something that can lay dormant for a time I don't know who I got it from. I was utterly devastated at the time, plus the treatment for warts is seriously sore, freeze burn my bits, owww!! Anyway I was mortified to tell my boyfriend, but we couldn't know which one of us had it first and he was very sweet about the whole thing and hugged me while I bawled my eyes out.

Since then I've had 3 regular sexual partners and none of them reacted badly when I told them. Maybe I've been 'lucky', maybe you've been 'unlucky', who know. I think having that conversation as well as being awkward in a very obvious way, is also difficult because it brings a level of seriousness into the very early stages of a relationship that wouldn't otherwise be there.

It's a crappy situation to be in, made even worse by the shame around stuff like this. We absolutely shouldn't feel ashamed tho, just because it's sexually transmitted it's somehow viewed as worse.

I do think you will feel better in time, I certainly did. And maybe it's just the case that you have to hold off on sex for longer, so you're more comfortable with the person by the time you have that converstaion

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah having such a serious chat isn't ideal in a new "thing" ... But I'd feel bad leaving it too long. It's a catch 22 situation, tell them too soon and they don't even know you or care enough to get to know you... Wait to tell them and they feel betrayed and lied to by you. Can I ask how soon you've told partners?

I wasn't overly serious about it in fairness to myself, kept my cool and tried to explain things as matter of fact as possible. Thinking back, he didn't even ask any questions, said he wasn't overly concerned... Then just blanked me afterwards so it seems he knew right away he didn't want to continue but just didn't want to say to my face.

With HPV is it with you forever too? I got the impression it wasn't contagious after a while the way that HSV is.

Louise1234

Ihaveit wrote: »

Hi Louise, just my own experience...

Like you, I contacted genital herpes when I was 19 from my boyfriend at the time. He never had any symptoms but passed it to me and I had an horrific outbreak.....

but I've only ever had one outbreak and I am now 37!

I was horrified at the beginning and when we broke up when I was 21, I thought I could/would never be sexually active again until I met my husband. I told him after 3 dates that I had it and we wore protection. Over the years we have stopped using protection and he has never had an outbreak.

It gets easier but I definitely know how you feel - its very taboo and only my sister and my husband now I had/have it.

I hate how unspoken of it is, it's really difficult to feel any support or anything.

I'm fine about all of it, having the odd outbreak, looking after my health, taking meds... I'm just terrified that I'll never be with anyone again. I'm only 33 and wanted kids and a family... I feel like that's probably not gonna happen at all now. Judging by the first time I've told someone I'm not far off the mark. It's tough enough to meet people never mind having this to contend with!

LegacyUser

Louise1234 wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah having such a serious chat isn't ideal in a new "thing" ... But I'd feel bad leaving it too long. It's a catch 22 situation, tell them too soon and they don't even know you or care enough to get to know you... Wait to tell them and they feel betrayed and lied to by you. Can I ask how soon you've told partners?

I wasn't overly serious about it in fairness to myself, kept my cool and tried to explain things as matter of fact as possible. Thinking back, he didn't even ask any questions, said he wasn't overly concerned... Then just blanked me afterwards so it seems he knew right away he didn't want to continue but just didn't want to say to my face.

With HPV is it with you forever too? I got the impression it wasn't contagious after a while the way that HSV is.

I will admit with the first guy after my diagnosis I was quite clueless and didn't tell him right away. I was quite naive about the whole thing. I did a substantial amount of reading and the last 2 partners I've told after about a month. I honestly have been surprised about the relatively positive reactions I've had. But I do think you've been unlucky to have such a negative reaction.

With HPV they can't really say how contagious it is, some doctors think it becomes less contagious if you haven't had an outbreak for a while, but it's truly guesswork with something like this.

You most certainly do not have to write off having kids and family. Okay, it may make things that bit harder. But you can be damn sure when you do meet someone who accepts the risks, that they really want to be with you, which is a nice silver lining

Corklad1985

Hiya guys. Just wondering is the thread still open and people discussing it. <Mod snip - please read our charter and the extra sticky. What you've requested here results in immediate forum bans, please take 5 minutes to familiarise yourself with the rule before posting again>
Many thanks