Dating Woes

LegacyUser

During the summer I went on around ten dates and felt I'd clicked really well with this man. Let's call him A. After what could be described as the perfect few dates with what I thought was no game playing and being straight forward about how much we had been enjoying the dates, A began to go silent. A person close to him had passed away suddenly (a work colleague of sorts). Naturally, A took this bereavement as you would any other and I gave him space and time to grieve. After the funeral he reached out and said that it made him realise he wasn't coping well as he had previously suffered with depression. He stopped contact completely after we were supposed to meet up on a Thursday evening. We agreed to meet for 8pm and as it got closer the time he did not text.
I text around 11.00pm saying we had missed each other and that I hoped all was okay. He read the text and did not reply. Around 5 days later I text and asked what was going on, as there was radio silence. He said he'd returned to work and was sorry and that he would call the following day. He didn't call. A few days after this, I deleted his number assuming I had been ghosted and fought every urge not to text him, wish was successful.

So I moved on, and let him do his thing. Around 4 weeks later I received a message asking if he was still blocked and that he hoped I received the other messages. The following morning I replied asking what messages and apparently he had tried to reach out but he was never blocked. Anyway he apologised and said that he felt bad about how he treated me. I asked what he wanted outcome to be of getting back in touch and he said to give me closure which I told him I didn't need. We didn't resolve anything and I said the apology made no difference really. He texted a again a few days later apologising profusely and said despite his behaviour he was really fond of me.

Anyway over the last few weeks he has tried to reach out and even tried to call but I didn't answer. The truth is I really liked him at the time but I'm not sure you can get over someone ghosting you so outright. He texted again today and part of me wants to reply. A lot of my friends and family know about him disappearing so I'm not sure if you can come back from this.

Opinions?!

cookiexx

Let go and move on. He's displayed a flakiness and unreliability and disrespect that has fractured the trust and you'll probably never get over that. Doesn't sound like your heart is really in it anyway.

I had a similar thing with a guy once. Series of wonderful dates, then radio silence. It hurt and it wrecked my head but I moved on. Almost a year later, back on the radar. I had lost respect for him because of his behaviour though and all feelings had dissipated and I didn't see the point in getting involved again when he had proved himself unable to commit after a mere few dates previously. Too much of a risk with little promised in return.

Cut your losses.

Dr Crayfish

Sounds like a total mare! Just read that back. You can most likely do better than that.

Shint0

He might have been genuinely depressed sparked by the death of his colleague and retreated into himself. It can be difficult for somebody who has a tendency to become depressed to disclose it to others not knowing how they will react and can shut people out.

Having said that if you had a number of dates by that stage it doesn't sound like he handled it well and it would have been better if he had tried to keep the lines of communication open with you. Sometimes when people are going through an episode of depression they can forget how it might impact on those around them and who are close to them.

It's your call, OP, whether you give him another chance. Looking at it from your perspective if the whole experience has made you feel uncomfortable it's better for you not to respond or continue contact with him as it's understandable you might be concerned he would do the same again which would put you on an emotional rollercoaster. It sounds like you no longer feel the same about him anyway.

leggo

I've a long-standing theory about a lot of lads (the type who fancy themselves as players and the like down the pub): they'll find 6-7 girls in their life who like them, then hound those same girls forever on a loop every time they feel lonely and want attention/sex until they fall backwards into a serious relationship. I'm not saying that's the case here, I don't know, but it's worth keeping in mind he could just be one of these guys and the death/depression thing is an overblown excuse.

Either way, in a very short space of time he's already hurt you and blown hot and cold. There's a lot of crap here for what is relatively nothing. Best case scenario you've seen that he's a nice guy with a lot of potential, but crumbles and turns into a mess when something knocks him, and that can have the affect of hurting you in the process. And that's me being VERY generous and giving him a lot of the benefit of the doubt, and even then it's a thumbs down. I'd block him and be done with it if I was you OP.

milli milli

Hopelessdater wrote: »

I asked what he wanted outcome to be of getting back in touch and he said to give me closure

I would definitely give this guy some leeway regarding his bereavement and depression.
But this line jumps out at me.
He got in touch to explain himself and apologise but he is seeking closure - does that not mean he doesn't see a future with you?
Fair enough if he is fond of you and didn't want to hurt you but is he not rubbing salt in the wound by repeatedly contacting you when he sees no future?
If that's the case OP, you need to look elsewhere.

Tigger99

I've had this happen twice to me in the past and I suspect them getting back in touch was an ego boost like leggo said. They were quite put out that I was much happier without them.

I remember your original post. To be honest I'd move on. Perhaps he did/does have bad depression but all he seems to be doing now is messing you around.

Katgurl

I would not entertain this man at all.

You haven't contacted him for months then he's worried about you getting closure? Why on earth would he assume you're even on his radar, the egotistical muppet?

njs030

The other posts covered it all but just to add that while it's one thing to give some leeway to someone who has depression and has had a hard time it's not an excuse to treat you badly or to lie.
Not showing up for a date with no explanation is the first and lying about being blocked (thus neatly transferring the blame for his lack of contact to you or the phone company) is the second.
He's flaky and you deserve better op.