No Sex in 9 Months

sammysnail016

Hi all so I am looking for help. Myself and my O/H moved in together in January. We have been together for nearly 3.5 years and things are going great! We get along great and really love each other and I can honestly say I have never been happier. The thing is.. we haven't had sex with nine months, it has been a variety of things from stress, depression with me etc but things have leveled of now and still nothing. I talk to him about it and he says he doesn't mind waiting for when I feel up to it and he is being a real gent TBH but I feel so guilty. I am very attracted to him but never feel like having sex.. with anyone. Is this something that can be rectified? It would be my worst nightmare for our relationship to end over something like that but it's really unfair on him. It's gone to a stage now where I am gone lazy about it. We are very intimate in terms of kissing, affection but I know deep down he wants to have sex, he is human of course.

I just don't know what is wrong with me

brevity

You should speak with your GP. Don't be embarrassed, they have heard it all before but your GP has the best chance of helping you.

EmmaMurray2016

Do you mind me asking if you are on the pill ? I found when I was my sex drive was zero. Don't worry 2 much, it will work itself out.

Dial Hard

EmmaMurray2016 wrote:

Don't worry 2 much, it will work itself out.

Sorry, but that's terrible advice. This forum is littered with threads from men (and a few women) who are trapped in extremely unhappy marriages because their wives have completely and utterly lost interest in sex. And the common denominator in practically every case was that it was never properly dealt with *before* it became an insurmountable problem.

The OP has recognised that she has an issue, which is an excellent start. Now she needs to figure out how to fix it. First stop should be a visit to the doctor to rule out any medical causes, then she can look into other avenues to get to the bottom of it, such as counselling, etc.

Best of luck with it, OP. I hope you can sort it.

sammysnail016

EmmaMurray2016 wrote: »

Do you mind me asking if you are on the pill ? I found when I was my sex drive was zero. Don't worry 2 much, it will work itself out.

No I am off it but am on antidepressants. I know they can lessen it but it wasn't there before I was on them.

Loveinapril

If you fancy him and feel affectionate towards him, then just have sex! It is so easy to get into a slump but often having sex makes you want sex more. 9 months is far too long to have gone without seeking help. Your boyfriend is almost definitely struggling and I very much doubt he feels that he "could not be happier". You have spent a quarter of your relationship NOT having sex. That is really unhealthy.

njs030

sammysnail016 wrote: »

No I am off it but am on antidepressants. I know they can lessen it but it wasn't there before I was on them.

For depression or for something else (ssri's can be prescribed off licence for other things) if you are suffering from depression low sex drive is a common symptom.
You could ask to change your anti-d and see does it help if you feel comfortable with that.

LegacyUser

This is very strange if you don't mind me saying, 'things are going great'?, what, like as friends? Sex is the glue in a relationship, otherwise it's companionship. If that's all you both want then fine but it's not what he wants and how on earth is he not going out of his mind? If I was losing interest in sex I'd probably want to ahem, do things for him, if u know what I mean, so at least he's somewhat satisfied until I'm up for it again. At least there would be some sexual connection. You need to sort this as I don't see it lasting if you don't. Get some books, talk openly, you don't have to do it right away, just build up a bit more of a physical and emotional connection and take small steps.

Merkin

You've posted a lot in your other thread about your weight problem. I wouldn't underestimate the effect being morbidly obese could have on your libido. You've been given very good constructive advice on that thread and if you started losing weight it could have a huge effect on your body confidence and consequently your libido. Have you spoken to your partner about your weight?

sammysnail016

Merkin wrote: »

You've posted a lot in your other thread about your weight problem. I wouldn't underestimate the effect being morbidly obese could have on your libido. You've been given very good constructive advice on that thread and if you started losing weight it could have a huge effect on your body confidence and consequently your libido. Have you spoken to your partner about your weight?

Yea I have and he knows I am unhappy about it. I wouldn't be conscious that way with him tho. We used to have a great sex lift and the minute we moved it it stopped.

beks101

You moved in together almost nine months ago, which was when the lack of sex started. If I were to guess I'd say this new co-habitation situation has affected things greatly as well as the other issues you've been having.

It's a pretty common thing - new routine, less novelty and less of that scarcity mindset you have when you only see your OH a couple of times a week. Sex can take a nose dive. The stress, the anti-depressants and the weight issues will probably have added to it and kept the problem going for nine months.

As others have advised, GP and communication with your OH are integral to fixing things.

sammysnail016

Thanks for all your comments, I didn't really know if it was something you could talk to your doctor about but I will defiantly go to her.

I do speak to my OH about it and as much as he is understand and very supportive I know its taking a strain, its not fair on him and I owe it to our relationship to get it sorted.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

I'd echo what Beks has said - moving in doesnt always mean you'll be christening every room in the house, and it can often have the opposite effect. I know I probably had more sex wtih my OH before we lived together. We'd stay over maybe twice a week and sex was absolutely always on the agenda. Now, we're together every night of the week, doing boring domestic things, and sometimes you just want to roll over and go to sleep, especially after a tiring day! I know I keep an eye on frequency and sometimes will decide to have sex even if I'm not overly full of desire at the outset, but after a few minutes I find myself getting into it properly. Its like giving myself a little push.

That said, its not healthy that this has extended to 9 months. Your OH is very supportive and clearly loves you a lot, but a sexless relationship (unless boht sides are in agreement) is unsustainable. If you don't think giving yourself a push is enough then I really think you need to see your GP. You owe it to your partner to explore this, for the good of your relationship.

As other posters mentioned, your weight might be a factor. I know when I'm carrying a bit extra, sex is always further down my list. Even if you don't think its the issue, it might be worth comparing how you feel now versus how you feel when you've lost 1 stone or whatever your first weightloss milestone is.

I came across this yesterday: https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys

It might help

allym

OP, in another thread you spoke of how you and your partner were hoping to try for children soon. I think you have to have a much bigger conversation with him and ensuring that you're on the same page regrading this. If you're not currently having sex, why are you discussing trying for a baby?

Definitely go to the doctor about this, it could be any number of things causing this. Equally, have a good think to yourself about what is going on. Are you still attracted to your partner? Or is it habit/companionship? Good to have these own things straight in your head before exploring any possible medical reasons.

Crea

sammysnail016 wrote: »

No I am off it but am on antidepressants. I know they can lessen it but it wasn't there before I was on them.

I was (and sometimes still am) that soldier.
Anxiety and depression will definitely reduce your sex drive and certain anti-depressants will decimate it. They can also have a big impact on your ability to orgasm which will further reduce your incentive to have sex.
Your depression needs to be treated , and not just with drugs. Are you getting councelling? Are you doing regular exercise (walking outdoors is fine)? Getting treatment will help in the reduction of your meds which will help with your libido.
The thing about a sex drive is that if you don't use it you will lose it. The more you have sex the more you will want it. Sometimes even if you don't really want it you should just do it as a way of showing your partner that you love him.
You say you kiss and cuddle. What is preventing you from going further? Is it because you don't want to, don't feel turned on enough or is there some kind of fear attached to sex?

sammysnail016

Hi Crea,

Its more that I have no desire too, we used to have a great sex life and I could say its down to the tablets but it wasn't there beforehand.

Sex is never on my mind, ever. The guilt kills me also, we had a great chat last night and I am going to make a doctors appointment just to get hormone tested etc.

I did get years of counselling for depression which has helped an awful lot and I am due to come off them in October.

homerjay2005

sammysnail016 wrote: »

and I am due to come off them in October.

this along with the depression issue (and from reading above, aint read the thread myself, theres another issue you have too) could well be your reason.

there may not be anything "wrong" physically or even mentally as such, you just need to sort out those two issues above and things may change quickly.

Merkin

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