Moodswings and low self esteem after breakup

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

My girlfriend of three years broke up with me three months ago. I expected it, I think. She was pulling away from me for about a year. She had gotten a new job and was making new friends etc., I was happy for her but now I don't know how I feel. When she first broke the news, I asked her a few questions but she didn't give me any real answers - they were all wishy washy and I knew I wouldn't get the real reason behind it all. Probably because she didn't want to hurt me which is understandable. But in my own head, I think she thought I wasn't good enough anymore - not smart enough, not witty enough, not ambitious enough. I didn't "fit" into her new life, or that's how it felt. Boring, in comparison to her new friends. I'm sure there was a lad she was interested in someway along the way too, although it's stupid thinking about it. I cut contact almost immediately anyway and I asked her to respect that. I haven't heard anything (and I'm glad I haven't), haven't checked her social media, I unfriended mutual friends etc., so three months on and it feels like she never even existed. I dunno what's worse, losing her or the idea that she's erased from my life completely. But I just can't shake the "not good enough" mentality, that's where my self-esteem has taken a right batterin’. I really did try to keep up with her, but towards the end I felt no matter how hard I tried, there was no point, she wasn’t interested anymore. You could say it's like throwing out the rubbish into a bin and heading off on your way. I just feel like I was dropped there, without two fecks given. After everything we've been through, it's mad. I can't get over that.

The mood swings are hard to deal with too. Especially when concentrating at work. Some days I'm fine, indifferent, not a bother on me. I can even be happy. On those days I think, great I'm getting back into the swing of things. But the next morning could arrive on and I'm a holy wreck, usually after I've woken up from a dream about her. I used to be able to maintain some kind of neutrality in work - keep my personal business to myself. Although I am friends with my colleagues I just prefer to keep my personal life private. But I find it is leaking into my performance and people are noticing my mood. It's the down days that are the worst. I don't know what I'm asking. But I suppose...when will I get back to the old me? It was my first proper break-up so I have no clue. I should add, I’m off drink (just in case I’m tempted to contact her when drunk), I keep busy as best I can and I am going to the gym and meeting friends, reading quite a bit too. But there's only so much distracting yourself that you can do.

I know it's a bit like asking how long is a piece of string but any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Flutterby80

To be honest Op it sounds like you are doing everything that you possibly can do to move on. Give yourself a break, when a relationship ends its hard, even if it wasn't a total surprise, rejection hurts!

What you are going through is a process, it takes time, especially after a long relationship like yours. You can't expect to feel 100% about it after only a couple of months. Know that you are good enough, the relationship for whatever reason just wasn't right, for her or for you. You weren't meant to be together, simple as that. You will come to fully realise that soon when you are over the worst of it. Keep doing what you are doing and confide in someone if you can, talking it through with a trusted friend will definitely help.
We've all been there Op, it does get easier. There's no magical cure just time and life naturally moves along until it doesn't hurt anymore. Take care of yourself.

EmmaMurray2016

When a relationship finishes its hard. You are probably going through a Rollercoaster of emotions and you might for a few months.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

I'd have to agree with Flutterby, you're 100% doing everything right in terms of you cutting contact and keeping yourself busy.

The way you're feeling, is perfectly normal after a break up. I remember being the same way at the start of this year. I thought I'd never be 'normal' again. But it does happen. And you know what? It's not that you get back to the 'old you'. You become a new you. A different you. And you don't even see it happening until you wake up one day and realise that you are actually OK. Yes, it doesn't seem that way now but what you're thinking is completely natural.

Just keep doing what you're doing, don't be afraid to talk and focus on you. Break ups are probably one of the few times in your life where it's acceptable to be a little selfish. So don't be afraid to take that opportunity.

Shint0

You are dealing with two issues here. One is the break up of the relationship and the other is that it has left you feeling inadequate.

Now might be a time for you to explore new horizons yourself. Pursue a new interest, something which is interesting and exciting that you've always wanted to do or plan a trip away somewhere that you've always wanted to visit if you are in a position to do that.

Don't let yourself get caught up in the cycle of negative emotions because that can be hard to shake off. You can still grieve for the relationship while trying to focus on you and do things you gain pleasure from that might enrich your life. Distraction is a good technique for recovering from a relationship break up.