Friend who I have no time for - what to do?

GingangGooley

In short: What do you do when you have had a friend for many years, they've done nothing wrong and not hurt you in any way, but you simply have too many other friends whose company you have come to enjoy more over time? And between wanting to spend time with these friends, and balancing a busy job, a relationship, elderly parents, a pet, and other hobbies, as well as alone time, what do you do when you just seem to never want to spend time with this old friend anymore? They've done nothing wrong, so you can't justifiably 'cut them out', but you literally never really want to spend time with them because you've grown apart so much. What do I do when this person keeps wanting to hang out?

Details:

I am 27 and have known this girl since I was about 16. We didn't go to the same school,and lived far away from each other, but were very close in our teens. We were both somewhat shy and disliked school, so were a great source of comfort to each other. Have some really special memories of our time together as teenagers. She influenced me and changed me for the better in many ways.

School came and went, I went to college and she didn't - she went straight into working in retail. Our schedules changed, I was busy studying and quickly made a great group of friends in college (the same ones I mentioned above). She was busy working and we didn't see each other much. I always got the impression she thought I was dull and prudish for studying so much and that she saw my socialising with college friends as a direct attack on our friendship. We drifted quite a bit but hung out occassionally.

Over time, whenever we met up, it became obvious that we were growing apart. The people we socialised with were very different from each other. Our values had also shifted quite a bit - I felt distinctly looked down upon for being in college and not having a job at the time (was supported by my parents) and she scorned upon this. She was much 'wilder' than me, drinking more, drugs, wild single life, associating with some seriously dodgy characters, some pretty shocking behaviour by anyone's standards, while I was content to just have an average college life, had my hobbies, studied and went out and got smashed in Coppers every other week We still met up, but I felt awkward as it increasingly felt that we had little in common anymore. The hobbies we shared were no longer shared hobbies, and the few mutual friends we had as teenagers, we didn't really know anymore.

I got into a relationship and then emigrated for a few years. As anyone who's moved away knows, time spent abroad really shows you who you value at home and who you find yourself forgetting about. It sounds terrible, but I almost forgot about this girl. I missed my parents and other friends consistently while abroad, but this girl, while I occassionally missed her, didn't really enter into my mind much. I was home for a week one Xmas and didn't get in touch with her, she found out over FB I was home and sent me messages asking if I hated her and all sorts of crazy stuff. We would text occasionally while I was abroad. Sometimes I'd send her quite detailed emails catching up with her, but would only get a couple of lines (usually irrelevant jokes) back in response. It was very frustrating.

Fast forward to me moving home, still having all those great friends, the same great boyfriend and a great job, and this girl seems keen to hang out a bit. I've met her a few times, on all occasions it's been ''nice'', but still with little common ground. There's also always snide, very cleverly subtle comments, about how rarely we meet up and how I have no time for her. It hurts, because it's true.

But simply, what can I do when I have literally 12-15 other people in my life whose company I enjoy more? I know this sounds horrible, but the thought of spending an evening with her when I could be spending that evening with someone else (or relaxing alone!) just makes me shudder. There's never that much laughter, very few deep conversations (because she's a poor listener) and I feel terrible giving her updates about my life because there's a very strong but subtle reaction from her of ''wow you never told me that cos you never talk to me'' kind of thing.

She gets in touch regularly asking to meet up and I just don't know what to do anymore. I said I was busy for a long time, and now I've stopped replying. I hate myself for that, I really do. She's been through a lot of trauma in her life, and was a wonderful friend to me when I needed it most, and I feel awful. But I do not enjoy her company any more.

Sorry for the giant message. Would appreciate any insights.

LLMMLL

Firstly, you complain that she was judging you for being studious back in college but it sounds like you were equally judging her "wild life".

In my opinion, it all depends on whether she has other friends or not. If she's lonely (and she doesn't sound awful or unbearable) it's not going to kill you to meet up with her a few times a year. It could make a real difference in her life. And missin out on one meetig with another friend as a result (cmon, you'd probably just be sitting at home anyway) is not the end of the world.

If however she has an active social life apart from you then i guess you coul just let it go.

njs030

You sound quite judgey yourself op and your post comes across that you look down on her for making different choices to you.
She's a different person and has a different way of acting- not everyone enjoys deep conversations with someone they rarely see and she might be uncomfortable with that.

Perhaps you have grown apart-which happens, but one day you might find these amazing friends aren't there any longer and you'll regret treating this girl so badly. By your own account she stuck with you even when in her eyes you were "boring" but now it's the other way round you want to ditch her? Lovely.

If you don't want to be friends then do the right and decent thing and tell her instead of making excuses and ignoring her. I hope you don't live to regret it.

IvoryTower

Jaysus I wouldn't tell anyone I don't want to be friends with them unless they were clearly horrible! Even then I'd just avoid

Ben Gadot

You'd be surprised at the twists and turns life throws up op. You may not feel much for rhe friendship now but you clearly did hold a connection once. A connection deep enough that this girl still wants your friendship even after you not responding to numerous messages. As long as she's not crossing the line into harassing you should be able to keep her at arms length without being horrible. She'll get the message eventually.

Yet Friends like her are rare, people drift over time and it sounds like she has her own circle too. But she still values you. It sounds like things are going great for you right now but maybe a time will come when it's not going so great, and you'll desperately need a friend like her who has clearly always been devoted to you.

You mention her looking down on your path yet haven't provided detail. Are you sure you're not just projecting your own paranoia onto her? Has she ever been aggressive or abusive towards you like on a night out?

njs030

IvoryTower wrote: »

Jaysus I wouldn't tell anyone I don't want to be friends with them unless they were clearly horrible! Even then I'd just avoid

That's really selfish.
You can say it in a nice way like I'm really busy, I'm sorry we don't have anything in common anymore etc and let her have some dignity rather than just ignoring her messages.

It's such a nasty thing to do to someone you've known for years and it says an awful lot about the person who would do it.

gossamer

I would think you're probably doing her a favour. If she gets angry and asks you outright why you're ignoring her, then she probably has a right to know. Other than that, let it continue to fade out. Nobody (and I mean nobody) wants someone to be friends with them out of a sense of duty, pity or guilt - regardless of how lonely they are. This girl already knew full well she was low on your priority list long before this fade out happened, (see, resentful quips). The world and it's mother knows what "I'm busy" insinuates. But just leave it off. The friendship was important in your formative years, but not anymore.

I do agree with previous posters though, you seem just as judgemental if not more so.

Eimee90

I just feel really sorry for this girl, OP, you shudder when thinking of spending time with her. You criticize her for mentioning that you are being odd with her, but you said it yourself, it's all true.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, friends grow apart and that's just part of life but I think you could stand to do some more analysis as to why ye drifted apart. Why did she not go to college? Did she not want to or was she not able to go? You were lucky you had your family support you through college, not everyone gets that. You seem very sensitive towards her slights towards your time in college but not very sensitive towards what her life might have been like with everyone else moving on with their lives.

You say she's had a lot of trauma in her life but you don't seem to really care that she's had these traumas. What happened to her? Should you have supported her more through them, like she supported you when you needed support?

Life isn't a straight path, and we all need a friend to rely on now and then, you seem to have had a relatively easy time since school but you could be more empathetic to someone who hasn't.

All that said, people change and there's no point pretending otherwise, hope it works out.

Maybe, OP, since you have the great boyfriend, the great friends, the great job and the great life, you could spend an hour having a lunchtime catch up with this girl - who's done nothing wrong - and perhaps doesn't have such a great job, friends, boyfriend or life, every two or three months. You can be the friend who just waved her goodbye, or you can give her a few hours time at very little cost to yourself every few weeks.

It's called being a nice person, making time for people who might need it more than you do. Burning bridges might be something you regret.

She's hung in for the long haul and that tells me she might turn out to be a better friend than most, when things might not be so uniformly great for you.

meeeeh

First stop calling her a friend. She might think you are a friend but you are not. Your attitude here is a bit hypocritical, you wrote paragraphs of text dancing around the subject because you don't want to admit that she bores or annoys you. Stop pretending you are nice, none of us are always nice. And then decide to spend couple of hours with her every so often because you want to be kind or just fob her of with an excuse and live with guilt.

beks101

Ben Gadot wrote: »

Yet Friends like her are rare, people drift over time and it sounds like she has her own circle too. But she still values you. It sounds like things are going great for you right now but maybe a time will come when it's not going so great, and you'll desperately need a friend like her who has clearly always been devoted to you.

I agree with this. It's the number one thing I've learned from living abroad - that sort of loyalty is quite a rarity. People who make an effort to stay in touch despite distance and differences. I literally have a handful, everyone else I considered a "great friend" when I left Ireland seven years ago fell by the wayside.

It's perfectly fine for a friendship to fizzle based on those differences of course. I find when something is going to fizzle, it just...fizzles. No effort or strong words or intentions required. Life just sort of happens to it.

Childhood friendships are special though. I neglected a few of mine when I moved onto college and I think when I'm on my deathbed someday it will be one of my regrets. There's more to friendship than similar backgrounds and life experiences and whilst you can relate to your college mates more now, that might not always be the case when this period of your life ends.

baby and crumble

I think people are being quite down on you, OP. Everyone seems to be blaming you for not particularly wanting to be around someone you have nothing in common with and who was actively nasty to you for years, even if she did stay in touch. Life's too short for that kind of nonsense.

People grow up and grow apart, it's totally natural. To me, there's nothing sadder and more awkward than two people staying "friends" just because they were thrown together by circumstance years and years ago. Nobody would be telling someone in a long marriage who has zero in common with their spouse, who don't like being around each other and who have years of sniping and judging each other to stay together or in contact, just because they've known each other years. Why is that so different?

For a long time I tried to stay friends with lots of people I knew from my childhood. It was SUCH an effort and we clearly had zero in common. After a while I just stopped. It's no skin off my nose tbh. Sentimentality is great, but being sentimental about someone you would never in your life be friends with if you met them now is pointless and a waste of time. Spend your time with people you love and who make you happy.

GingangGooley

Thanks all for the replies. I appreciate both the criticism and the support - lots of food for thought.

I have since contacted her over text and we've had a few friendly messages. The points about her potentially not being in the good place that I am currently in really rang home strongly. I take having a strong support/social network for granted sometimes and it's easy to overlook the fact that perhaps she does not have that.

That being said, baby and crumbles, what you've said does sort of hit the nail on the head of what I've been feeling.

I don't think she gets much out of our friendship either. I also am not sure about how I feel about going along to meet her and continuing to socialise with her when I won't be overly looking forward to it. I wouldn't like someone to be going into social interactions with me with that mindset and I would resent them for their insincerity if they persisted in being friends with me out of guilt. As another poster said, no one wants to be a pity friend.

Really appreciate all the food for thought though and in particular the attempts to make me consider her feelings more in this, which I am making more of an effort to do.

SarahMollie

I tend to agree with BabyandCrumble on this one.

This type of thing happens all the time, but normally the friendship fizzles on both sides to some degree, so its not so obvious. This is quite an awkward position OP, as you've said that you can't see that either of you get much from this "friendship" but for whatever reason she's not wanting to let go, even if your interactions are now very surface level.

I'd also be a bit annoyed if someone was making passive aggressive comments towards me on the rare occasions that we meet. I have a few friends from school who I don't see often but we'd meet for dinner maybe 3/4 times a year. That said, I think it works because we all the the same expectations of the friendships, and nothing too heavy is expected. We obviously end up having to fill each other in on fairly large chunks of our lives, but its never met with comments like "oh well I don't know that because we hardly ever see each other/you've no time for me" etc, I don't think I'd be too impressed. It certainly wouldnt make me look forward to our next meeting.

I think it would be nice of you to try to keep some sort of relationship with this girl, but I would pull her up on her passive aggressive behavior. When she next makes a comment about you not valuing her or whatever, simply tell her that you enjoy catching up with her, but that you've lots of demands on your time these days - if left unchecked, she'll just keep making similar comments. Its totally normal for friendships to change from the intensity of teenage friendships. Its not fair for her to expect you not to have other demands on your time at 27. I know I certainly don't see even my best friends as much as I'd like, but thats all part of us all being adults with demanding lives.

GingangGooley

SarahMollie wrote: »

I think it would be nice of you to try to keep some sort of relationship with this girl, but I would pull her up on her passive aggressive behavior. When she next makes a comment about you not valuing her or whatever, simply tell her that you enjoy catching up with her, but that you've lots of demands on your time these days - if left unchecked, she'll just keep making similar comments.

Thanks, SarahMollie.

Thing is, I have replied to her comments stating how much I have on, etc. I've said it face-to-face and gotten a hasty "ah you're grand", but invariably she'll say something similar again. So hopefully people can see why I'm not super enthused to see her regularly.

LegacyUser

You're way overthinking this, you don't have to cut her out. It's not like a relationship as another poster pointed out, you rarely see each other! And your 'my life is great' attitude would grind on me too being honest, probably why you're getting passive aggressive jibes from her. I think for you she represents a time in your life when everything wasn't so great, when you were shy, hadn't many friends, and weren't as happy. It's not her that you dislike it's the old you, and every time she makes contact and talks about meeting up, the 'shudder' is fear that you could lose what you have now and possibly go back to that not so successful,needy person who IS part of you, who you once were.
I think you need to release your attachment to the things and people who you have now, and make peace with the fact that yes you could lose it all tomorrow. And learn to be ok with it. This would take a good deal of effort and time to come to this way of thinking though and beyond the scope of what you're asking here. Your happiness now is very conditional. I think you need to deal with the fact that you obviously look down on her. And that's an ego thing. She doesn't make you feel good about yourself, which makes you want to drop her. How about turning it around and focus on making HER feel better, make it all about building her up. You won't lose anything, in fact she won't be as needy and you will in fact feel better. Keep at it, she will appreciate the effort and will stop the comments and if you have anything to say to her like I'm busy be nice about it, you can be honest if you're talking and say you just don't think you're as close as you used to be but that's life and things are so different for you it's hard to make time. You really can never have too many friends and the loyal ones are of value, whether you see it now that everything is going great or not.

Big Bag of Chips

SarahMollie wrote: »

When she next makes a comment about you not valuing her or whatever, simply tell her that you enjoy catching up with her, but that you've lots of demands on your time these days

But that would be a lie! You don't enjoy catching up with her. You hate the thought of giving up some of your precious time to her when you could be spending it with people you like, or alone! You've even said yourself that the things she says about how you treat her are true!! She's not exactly being passive aggressive, she's letting you know that she has noticed how you treat her!

I suppose you can't help how you feel, but it's not her fault that you don't want to be her friend anymore. And I think she probably hasn't judged you nearly as much as you'be judged her. You don't like the girl anymore. If you never saw her again it wouldn't bother you. So just let it go now. Don't reply to her texts. Don't arrange to meet up. Crappy way to treat her? Probably! But it's better than explaining to her face that you don't want to meet her or going along and sitting there counting the minutes until you leave.

SarahMollie

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But that would be a lie! You don't enjoy catching up with her. You hate the thought of giving up some of your precious time to her when you could be spending it with people you like, or alone! You've even said yourself that the things she says about how you treat her are true!! She's not exactly being passive aggressive, she's letting you know that she has noticed how you treat her!

I suppose you can't help how you feel, but it's not her fault that you don't want to be her friend anymore. And I think she probably hasn't judged you nearly as much as you'be judged her. You don't like the girl anymore. If you never saw her again it wouldn't bother you. So just let it go now. Don't reply to her texts. Don't arrange to meet up. Crappy way to treat her? Probably! But it's better than explaining to her face that you don't want to meet her or going along and sitting there counting the minutes until you leave.

OK fair enough but maybe it could be phrased better - my intention was to not be mean, but to call her on the subtle comments that the OP described, and not just smiling meekly and moving past it, but all the time hating the experience.

I totally disagree with the point in bold. The OP describes "subtle" yet fairly pointed comments. This is textbook passive aggressive behaviour. If she actually wanted to talk about the fact the friendship inst going the way she wants, they're both adults, she could raise it as a conversation. Instead she's peppering their conversation with these comments. I'm not surprised the OP is growing tired of this.

Maybe without realising it, the friend is creating a self fulfilling prophecy - the more she complains about not getting enough out of the friendship, the more she's actually pushing the OP away.

Big Bag of Chips

GingangGooley wrote: »

There's also always snide, very cleverly subtle comments, about how rarely we meet up and how I have no time for her. It hurts, because it's true.

But simply, what can I do when I have literally 12-15 other people in my life whose company I enjoy more? I know this sounds horrible, but the thought of spending an evening with her when I could be spending that evening with someone else (or relaxing alone!) just makes me shudder.

It's the OP's perception that these are snide. Sounds to me like the girl is being pretty direct (the OP admits the things she says hurts because they are true!) and the OP is the one being passive aggressive by meeting up and trying to pretend that she is not "shuddering" at the very thought of a few hours with this girl!

Honestly, OP, you are doing this girl no favours. Just let it drift away. I have a friend who is hard work. He was diagnosed as an adult with Apergers. I know him 30 years or so. I don't meet him too often for various reasons, but when I do meet him I enjoy catching up with him. Why? Because he has very few other friends in his life, none from school and what's an hour or 2 out of my day to have a cup of tea and a "how are you getting on?".

I barely get a word in with him. I hardly understand a word he says because he talks in riddles!! But he's not all bad, and I can spare a couple of hours a couple of times a year.

If you genuinely can't do that with this friend, and I'm not suggesting you should just grin and bear it... But if you can't manage a genuine meeting with her then don't have any meeting with her. Just let it drift away now. She'll eventually get the message.

SarahMollie

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's the OP's perception that these are snide. Sounds to me like the girl is being pretty direct (the OP admits the things she says hurts because they are true!) and the OP is the one being passive aggressive by meeting up and trying to pretend that she is not "shuddering" at the very thought of a few hours with this girl!

Well, as always we only have the OPs word to go on, if the friend had actually addressed the issue, then they'd have had a conversation about it. It sounds like the friend makes these "woe is me" comments but doesnt push further and ask for an explanation as to why the friendship is no longer close. Just because the OP feels guilty, that doesnt mean that the comments arent passive aggressive. Shes saying these things to try to make the OP feel guilty but without actually having to have an awkward conversation.

If I felt someone was constantly subtly criticizing me then I wouldnt look forward to spending time with them either.

I think the OP should try her best to be kind to this girl out of respect for the friendship they once had, and it would be a shame to see that permanently soured. That said, this girl is making it hard as she seems to be determined to force this friendship into being more than it is. When theres a mismatch in expectations, and one person is more invested than the other, its always going to lead to disappointment. If she can't manage to set expectations for the friendship with this girl, then there probably will be an argument at some point because if doesn't seem like this girl is willing to let the friendship fizzle out fully.

baby and crumble

bee1234 wrote: »

. She doesn't make you feel good about yourself, which makes you want to drop her. How about turning it around and focus on making HER feel better, make it all about building her up. You won't lose anything, in fact she won't be as needy and you will in fact feel better. Keep at it, she will appreciate the effort and will stop the comments.... You really can never have too many friends and the loyal ones are of value, whether you see it now that everything is going great or not.

Why should the OP have to force herself to build up the confidence of someone she doesn't like, doesn't have anything in common with, and who has been making snide comments about her and her life for over a decade? Why does the OP have to waste her time just because she was friends with her for a couple of years at 16? (By the sound of it the OPs friend got snippy when she went to college, so that makes 2 years of friendship. That's hardly a longtime relationship. And I wouldn't call someone who snipes at her and slags her for daring to go to college etc a "loyal" friend.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Honestly, OP, you are doing this girl no favours. Just let it drift away. I have a friend who is hard work. He was diagnosed as an adult with Apergers. I know him 30 years or so. I don't meet him too often for various reasons, but when I do meet him I enjoy catching up with him. Why? Because he has very few other friends in his life, none from school and what's an hour or 2 out of my day to have a cup of tea and a "how are you getting on?".

I barely get a word in with him. I hardly understand a word he says because he talks in riddles!! But he's not all bad, and I can spare a couple of hours a couple of times a year.

See now, I don't mean to make a comment about your friendship, but this feels like a charity friendship. You don't seem to actually like this guy, and hanging out with him just makes you feel great about yourself, like "arent I a wonderful person!" for meeting up with him every now and again. That's not real friendship, at least not in my eyes.

Big Bag of Chips

I never said he's not my friend. He IS hard work. But then again so is my mother and I meet her for tea regularly too!!

I actually do enjoy meeting him, when I do. I enjoy hearing about how he's getting on. He has tried various different courses and jobs but can't seem to "fit" any of them, and I genuinely hope that one day he finds something that suits him. I do genuinely care about how he gets on in life. I don't see him as a charity case, and I certainly don't "shudder" at the idea of meeting him. But he IS hard work, and doesn't have many other friends from "home". That's just a fact! There are others from my class who wouldn't have many friends, but I haven't taken them under my wing

I wouldn't meet him every week or two and I wouldn't be interested in meeting him every week or 2. But that would go for a few of my friendships. Some friendships are grand with meeting every couple of months for a few hours.

I have said the OP can't help how she feels about this friend, but by dragging it out and continuing to half-arsed meet the friend, to the point where the friend knows she's a burden on the OP, is unfair. Much like you have advised, I'd advise her to not continue the friendship out of a sense of duty. Just let it go, now.

baby and crumble

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I actually do enjoy meeting him, when I do. I enjoy hearing about how he's getting on. He has tried various different courses and jobs but can't seem to "fit" any of them, and I genuinely hope that one day he finds something that suits him. I do genuinely care about how he gets on in life. I don't see him as a charity case, and I certainly don't "shudder" at the idea of meeting him. But he IS hard work, and doesn't have many other friends from "home". That's just a fact! There are others from my class who wouldn't have many friends, but I haven't taken them under my wing

Fair enough, I didn't mean for that to come off rude.

batmanrobin

Surprised at some of the responses here. Just because the OP was friends with this girl as teenagers, doesn't mean she should feel obligated to continue that friendship as adults. Nor is it her responsibility to be an emotional crutch for this woman and make her feel better about herself.

OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting to end the friendship. Certainly there's no easy way. You could just keep saying you're busy if she gets in touch, you could say you just don't feel you have much in common or you could ignore her. Wouldn't be a fan of the ignoring approach myself. If you just keep saying you're too busy she'll most likely stop asking. Be nice however you do it.

I've had friends I've known for years drift away from me and vice versa. It's just life and we outgrew each other. I wouldn't want someone feeling obligated to be my friend.

GingangGooley

bee1234 wrote: »

You're way overthinking this, you don't have to cut her out. It's not like a relationship as another poster pointed out, you rarely see each other! And your 'my life is great' attitude would grind on me too being honest, probably why you're getting passive aggressive jibes from her. I think for you she represents a time in your life when everything wasn't so great, when you were shy, hadn't many friends, and weren't as happy. It's not her that you dislike it's the old you, and every time she makes contact and talks about meeting up, the 'shudder' is fear that you could lose what you have now and possibly go back to that not so successful,needy person who IS part of you, who you once were.
.

Absolutely not true in this case, my best friend is someone I knew at that lonely awkward teenage phase but yet have never ever outgrown, despite our circumstances changing.

GingangGooley

HoldMeKissMe wrote: »

Hi OP, friends grow apart and that's just part of life but I think you could stand to do some more analysis as to why ye drifted apart. Why did she not go to college? Did she not want to or was she not able to go? You were lucky you had your family support you through college, not everyone gets that. You seem very sensitive towards her slights towards your time in college but not very sensitive towards what her life might have been like with everyone else moving on with their lives.

You say she's had a lot of trauma in her life but you don't seem to really care that she's had these traumas. What happened to her? Should you have supported her more through them, like she supported you when you needed support?

Life isn't a straight path, and we all need a friend to rely on now and then, you seem to have had a relatively easy time since school but you could be more empathetic to someone who hasn't.

All that said, people change and there's no point pretending otherwise, hope it works out.

I somehow managed to completely miss this post, apologies.

She didn't go to college because she thought it was pointless and didn't want to. Money wasn't an issue.

She never confided in me directly about any trauma, but did strongly hint on one drunken occasion that she was the victim of abuse when she was younger. She subsequently said she was joking when I discussed it with her soberly, but I'm not sure what to believe. So it's sort of hard to know how to approach anything with her; I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a deeply troubled broken person who needs total sympathy and support, or someone who just makes flippant jokes about the exact same issues and who needs to seriously mature....

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what is it you want? You can go around in circles for as long as you want with reasons why you're not comfortable with this one, or you can just accept that you've outgrown the friendship and move on. You think she judges you. You definitely judge her. You think she makes snidey remarks (which are true) and she feels like she's a burden on you. Neither of you are benefiting from this "friendship" anymore.

Why push it? You are going to have to stop the pretence, which I'm guessing you're not very good at pretending anyway! So you either be upfront and tell her you feel like you have nothing in common anymore, or you do what most people do and just don't reply and be "busy" in future and she'll eventually get the hint.

I've never known somebody to sit down and have a chat about "this has to be the end of our friendship". They usually just avoid the person until they give up.

amtc

Just leave it....you don't need a end of friendship summit. There are people I was so close to as best friends that now I never see. It happens.

via4

The 15 friends you have at present may not be around in a year or two trust me you may need her friendship in the future. Maybe change things up a bit when you do meet. Do you just sit and talk when you meet or do you do an activity of some sort? Why not do something fun and kind of get in the moment instead of just talking about your lives good or bad. Maybe cinema or bowling or see a show etc. It sounds like she's love that.

baby and crumble

via4 wrote: »

The 15 friends you have at present may not be around in a year or two trust me you may need her friendship in the future.

So you should keep in contact with every single friend you've ever had even when you don't like each other just because some time in the future you may not be in touch with a different one? That's bonkers talk.

via4

if she doesn't like the person then cut contact but she can't go back and use the person for friendship down the line when the 15 show their nasty sides or if they cut her out it works both ways and people fall out everyday she wants to cut the person for no real reason she just couldn't be bothered with them anymore but the 15 may be feel the same about her someday so why burn bridges I don't always like some remarks people make but I'm not going to cut them out over them everyone has their faults

baby and crumble

via4 wrote: »

she wants to cut the person for no real reason she just couldn't be bothered with them anymore

Actually, I'm pretty sure she wants to "cut them out" because they have been making snide remarks for the guts of a decade and they have nothing in common.

Not quite the same really.

via4

Well then she needs to grow a pair and say it to the girl/boy if she dsnt like the remarks they are making and give that as the reason to end the friendship instead of pussy footing around in my opinion least then they both know where they stand

CdeC

"She gets in touch regularly asking to meet up and I just don't know what to do anymore. I said I was busy for a long time, and now I've stopped replying. I hate myself for that, I really do. She's been through a lot of trauma in her life, and was a wonderful friend to me when I needed it most, and I feel awful. But I do not enjoy her company any more."


This bit really gets to me.
OP if it was me I wouldn't be looking to cut this person out I'd be looking how I can accommodate them in my life.

But do her a favour and be honest.
You say you feel awful. Well you should. The only thing is I can understand that you can't help how you feel but you have allowed her to keep pushing and didn't push back and that always turns into a needy friend.
I hope the next person who helps you when you need it most doesn't get shafted when you're on the up.