Annoying me

Sallysore

I'm finding my girlfriend so annoying. She is constantly trying to control me and get me to do what she wants all the time. If I don't do what she wants, she will make a bad face at me and get angry. It's ridiculous. For example, a lot of our issues are about sex. She demands sex all the time. If I am not in the mood, she takes it personally and says "do you not find me sexy, do you not think I'm hot" but I have sex many times with her. I just don't like feeling forced when she wants. She has started to monitor my showers and complains when I shower for long. She seems to know I masturbate in the shower and got so annoyed at me. She thinks I prefer it to having sex with her. Surely I should be free to have my time? "My own personal space"!!!! It's beyond a joke now. Would any other guys put up with this behaviour or would it be a deal breaker?

racso1975

Nope just break up!!!

StripedBoxers

Break up. She sounds like a nightmare.

wirelessdude01

You sound like you at very immature. Let her nag someone else if that is thr way you feel about it.

LegacyUser

She likely doesn't know how seriously it is affecting you. She's letting her insecurities run rampant and it's turning into controlling you. She probably thinks it's kind of a joke and says these things lightly, but at the same time kind of meaning them. I personally would be a bit offended if my bf was constantly masterbating instead of sex. But that's no reason for her to try and control you. She will think if you're choosing that because you prefer it, when the option of sex is there. Many men prefer porn and 'alone time' over sex and that's very sad and not something I'd want in a relationship.
Sit down and ask her what exactly she expects. Have her spell out what has her behaving like this. You spell out the level of intimacy you would like and the amount of lone time. If there's no reasonable compromise on both sides then the relationship probably won't work.

Sallysore

OP again. The reason I am still with her is because she is so lovely and so good a girlfriend without these issues. I'm so tempted to walk away though. She keeps saying she will stop and change. She told me she realises her behaviour is so wrong and she's guilty yet she keeps repeating it. She says these things and apologises straight away then. But my head is f***ed each time she starts. And it's perfectly normal for guys to masturbate at times instead of sex. Sometimes I just want to do it quickly and not go through the motions. She is too on top of me. Some of her good points though- she looks after me and does anything For me. She helped me with money when I wasn't working and bought everything I asked for. She is a sweet heart. I know she has these insecurity issues about her body since she had our daughter a year ago. She was left with quite an ugly fat stomach and it eats her up to see me looking at hot models on the computer which she calls "perfect" from time to time. I don't do it in her face but the odd time I have left the pages open. But in fairness it was only me glancing and I wasn't even watching porn. I told her I love her as a person and didn't go for her cos her body was sexy. But none of this helps she is hung up on it. I have to always agree when she tries to turn me on or she goes off on a rant. Another example was when we had sex during her period and there was blood everywhere which embarrassed her afterwards because there was a bad smell and I didn't reassure her she's still sexy. She then opened up a picture of a girl I had looked at and said "even this girl would have blood at times and a bad smell at times. Nobody is perfect"
As I said if she didn't have the insecurities she would be the best

retro:electro

I'm not sure if this is even real or not. But anyway, you say she has an "ugly fat stomach", get caught looking at perfect models online and tell her "I didn't go for you because your body was sexy", jeez, not surprised she's insecure. I'd say you're prone to the old metaphorical foot in mouth syndrome op.

December2012

Normally I would say that any sexual harassment is a deal breaker. However, given that you have a child together I think you should both go to relationship counselling to see if anything can be done for this otherwise doomed and potentially emotionally abusive relationship.

December2012

Normally I would say that any sexual harassment is a deal breaker. However, given that you have a child together I think you should both go to relationship counselling to see if anything can be done for this otherwise doomed and potentially emotionally abusive relationship.

Sallysore

anna080 wrote: »

I'm not sure if this is even real or not. But anyway, you say she has an "ugly fat stomach", get caught looking at perfect models online and tell her "I didn't go for you because your body was sexy", jeez, not surprised she's insecure. I'd say you're prone to the old metaphorical foot in mouth syndrome op.

Well Anna thank you for that...I think.
I never said the models were perfect. I said she thinks they are perfect with perfect bodies. They are hot but I don't compare them to my girlfriend and that is the point I am making. She compares herself to them which I find so childish. All men look at hot girls, it's not a crime and it's perfectly normal. However I can't admit this to my girlfriend because she wants me to only have eyes for her. And yes her stomach is fat and ugly but I am honest. I don't say things if I don't mean it. Her stomach isn't the most attractive but it doesn't stop me wanting sex with her. It doesn't change my feelings for her. The way she carries on is immature and stupid. That's why I said "I didn't go for you because you're sexy" because I don't want her comparing herself to strangers on the Internet. I loved her for who she is. But this is turning me off big time.

njs030

Sallysore wrote: »

Well Anna thank you for that...I think.
I never said the models were perfect. I said she thinks they are perfect with perfect bodies. They are hot but I don't compare them to my girlfriend and that is the point I am making. She compares herself to them which I find so childish. All men look at hot girls, it's not a crime and it's perfectly normal. However I can't admit this to my girlfriend because she wants me to only have eyes for her. And yes her stomach is fat and ugly but I am honest. I don't say things if I don't mean it. Her stomach isn't the most attractive but it doesn't stop me wanting sex with her. It doesn't change my feelings for her. The way she carries on is immature and stupid. That's why I said "I didn't go for you because you're sexy" because I don't want her comparing herself to strangers on the Internet. I loved her for who she is. But this is turning me off big time.

I think you need to change how you word things and that would be a huge help to your relationship. Instead of thinking how you are affected think how she is.

When you say "I didn't go for you because you're sexy" she hears "you're not sexy" and that, added with her post baby figure and you looking at hot women makes her feel crap.

Instead of negatives like "I didn't...." use positive words like "I did... or I love"
For example "I love how your body changed by growing our child" or "I chose you because you're so kind and caring and your the only woman who listens to my day and understands"

Try turning it around.

Sallysore

notjustsweet wrote: »

I think you need to change how you word things and that would be a huge help to your relationship. Instead of thinking how you are affected think how she is.

When you say "I didn't go for you because you're sexy" she hears "you're not sexy" and that, added with her post baby figure and you looking at hot women makes her feel crap.

Instead of negatives like "I didn't...." use positive words like "I did... or I love"
For example "I love how your body changed by growing our child" or "I chose you because you're so kind and caring and your the only woman who listens to my day and understands"

Try turning it around.

See this is exactly what I'm annoyed about. HAVING TO REASSURE HER. Why should I have to reassure her that she's great all the time? She has insecurities it's not my problem. She needs to fix them herself. I amnt going to support her needing to hear things. This reminded me how she always needs to hear that I love her and that she's beautiful etc. I tell her she's beautiful when I think it but she wants me to say it all the time. She says "I love you" and I don't say anything and she gets sad and expects me to say "I love you too" but I say it when I want to

SusieBlue

Dear god. You go around looking at pictures of hot women and referring to her post pregnancy body as an 'ugly fat stomach', and then you complain about her needing constant reassurance because she's insecure?
She tells you she loves you and you don't reply because you only say it when you feel like it? Are you actually serious?
I would hazard a guess that all these insecurities and controlling behaviours are a direct result of your blunt, cold attitude towards her.

Big Bag of Chips

You say she's a sweetheart. She's brilliant. She supported you when you needed it.... But you'll only support her when you feel like it?

No wonder the poor girl is all over the place.

I think you are now in a cycle of your own doing. You look at "hot models" you have made it clear to her that she is not sexy. She looks for reassurance that you still like/love/fancy her and you get annoyed. She gets insecure. You look at the models again and don't reassure her. She gets more insecure and looks for reassurance that you like/love/fancy her. You don't give it.

You need counselling, OP. There are 2 people in this relationship. It's not all about you and your needs.

Penny Tration

Sallysore wrote: »

See this is exactly what I'm annoyed about. HAVING TO REASSURE HER. Why should I have to reassure her that she's great all the time? She has insecurities it's not my problem. She needs to fix them herself. I amnt going to support her needing to hear things. This reminded me how she always needs to hear that I love her and that she's beautiful etc. I tell her she's beautiful when I think it but she wants me to say it all the time. She says "I love you" and I don't say anything and she gets sad and expects me to say "I love you too" but I say it when I want to

Reassuring your partner when they've gone through a life changing event, leaving their body not as nice as it once was, is absolutely bloody standard fare for good boyfriends/girlfriends!


Instead you leave pictures of models on your computer for her to find, masturbate in the shower while reducing the frequency of your sex life, told her you didn't want her for her body, don't say you love her when she says it to you, and to top it all off, call her stomach fat and ugly?!



Dear god, I'm sorry but cop yourself on. No bloody wonder she's insecure with someone treating her as though she's repulsive sexually.


Sort out how you're treating her, and for God's sake, be more discreet with your fap material.

stop animal cruelty

U sound like an arsehole. She wants to feel loved, and by the sounds of it its too much trouble for u.

Do HER a favour and break it off.

Big Bag of Chips

And by the way... The fact that you have a child together means that you, together as a couple, should be doing everything you can to find a solution to your relationship problems so that you can move forward as a family. The fact that you didn't even mention your child until much later in the thread and only in the context of your gf's "fat ugly stomach", shows just where your priorities lie

It's all about you!

Edit: I read somewhere else that you are 27. Reading this thread I would have guessed you were no more than 19/20. Time to grow up, Sallysore.

njs030

Sallysore wrote: »

See this is exactly what I'm annoyed about. HAVING TO REASSURE HER. Why should I have to reassure her that she's great all the time? She has insecurities it's not my problem. She needs to fix them herself. I amnt going to support her needing to hear things. This reminded me how she always needs to hear that I love her and that she's beautiful etc. I tell her she's beautiful when I think it but she wants me to say it all the time. She says "I love you" and I don't say anything and she gets sad and expects me to say "I love you too" but I say it when I want to

Yes when a girlfriend or boyfriend says I love you the other person is expected to respond appropriately. It's 3 words for Christ sake, it's hardly putting you out.

You're very selfish and controlling op, hopefully she will cop on and leave you and you'll realise what you've lost.

retro:electro

That "fat and ugly stomach" carried your child for 9 months; how can you be so dismissive and cruel?
She supported you when you needed it, now it's your turn.

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry , I had to come back to this. It's not often a post annoys me!!

Sallysore wrote: »

Some of her good points though- she looks after me and does anything For me. She helped me with money when I wasn't working and bought everything I asked for. She is a sweet heart.

So she financially supported you, and bought you everything you asked for. I'm going to make the assumption that some of these things were things you just wanted, rather than needed? So even though she has given you everything you asked for, you can't give her what she asks for. You can't say a few nice things to her that you know she is looking for? When she says "I love you" you can't even be bothered to reply?

Wow!

She probably feels like she is trapped with you now because of your daughter. But I think you will eventually leave her, which will probably be best for her because I can't see her being confident enough to leave you. But if she is a sweetheart like you say, and if she is genuinely a kind, giving person she will definitely meet someone else. Someone who will appreciate her and have no problem telling her he loves her.

I bet you think that won't happen though. You probably think she won't meet anyone else who would want to be with her, and her "ugly fat stomach". She won't do better than you? I think when she's gone you'll realise what you've thrown away. And no doubt you'll torment her to come back!

Yes, she is insecure and needs some reassurance. But your attitude to that is "not my problem". What if she had taken the same attitude towards you when you were unemployed? As a partnership you are meant to support and help each other through struggles. You lay the blame for all your relationship problems squarely at her feet. To the point where she is accepting all the blame. One person is rarely 100% to blame for relationship problems. Although it's scary how often one person takes on all the blame, letting the other person to believe they are completely faultless.

LegacyUser

I hope to god this woman leaves you. You haven't an ounce of kindness in you. Even to say I love you or give her reassurance because you're too hung up on models on the Internet. How sad. Real love means doing things when sometimes you don't FEEL like it, it's about being selfless, caring how the other feels and caring not to hurt them. She has been there for you. And you are now treating her like crap. You'd be doing yourself and her some good if you stopped drooling over these other women. It's subconsciously causing you dissatisfaction towards your real woman, you think you're not comparing but you won't be aware how much you are doing so underneath it all. Seriously it's men like you that make me want to stay celibate for life.

KikiDee

Oh wow OP.

I was previously a very insecure person. And I have no doubt, was bloody hard work on my ex-partner. So I can see why you're frustrated. However, with his love and support, I sorted out my self esteem issues. If I thought for one second that he was describing me as you're describing your gf, I'd be devastated. What you're doing is not love and support. I get where you're coming from in that you're trying to work out what's going on with her...not very well I might add, but still, an effort is an effort.

You need to realise that as her partner, it's your job to ensure she feels love and wanted and even desired to an extent. Just as it's her job to ensure you feel all of those things. Tbh, I think you're being totally selfish and you should take a long hard look at yourself before spouting on about the downfalls of your gf, who by your own admission, is lovely.

Carlos Orange

bee1000 wrote: »

Real love means doing things when sometimes you don't FEEL like it

Should this really extend to having sex when you don't want to because you are being pressured into it?

SusieBlue

psinno wrote: »

Should this really extend to having sex when you don't want to because you are being pressured into it?

This is OT but I answered a similar question on another thread quite recently. My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do. So we compromise, which means that sometimes we have sex when I don't really feel like it, and sometimes, if I'm really not in the mood at all, he'll lose out and he won't get any.
Normally when things get going i find myself warming up to it anyway so it isn't a total chore.
Being in a loving, respectful relationship means putting the other person ahead of yourself sometimes. Sometimes that can equate to having sex when you don't really feel like it.

Im not at all condoning being forced against your will without your consent into having sex. But in a relationship like OPs, i think the point stands.

leggo

Rather than a bad person OP, you strike me as someone who's just a bit clueless about your partner's needs in a relationship and have trouble expressing yourself. People are (rightfully) picking up on some of the negatives you're saying, but I can see the positives too, you clearly do love this girl and appreciate her, you're just not great at showing it. But that's an issue.

I've no doubt your girlfriend's insecurity and neediness is hard work at times, it can be. But I've also no doubt that your inability to communicate what you mean in an effective way has made your job a hundred times harder here. This is a problem of your own creation and walking out won't solve anything. It's completely natural for women to feel insecure when their bodies change after giving birth. It's their partner's job to deal with that in a positive way and it's a relatively small job compared to, you know, carrying your child for nine months and giving birth to it. You can leave your partner, but I think you'll find that if you do it all again with another girl and you'll find yourself in the same boat with only you as the common denominator. Your girlfriend is acting completely normal here given the circumstances. You on the other hand...

You owe her OP. You don't owe her sex against your will, but in terms of making her feel like an attractive, desirable person again. Think of the times she was there for you, think of how much of a pain it must be being pregnant, giving birth and then being left with a body completely different to how it was before. Think of how hard it must be for her to then have her partner comment of her 'ugly fat stomach' (which I genuinely believe you don't mean in an insulting, abusive way, but still it's very close to the line regardless...) when all she wants to do is feel attractive to you again. You owe her big-time and need to start repaying that debt today.

silverbolt

Sallysore wrote: »

See this is exactly what I'm annoyed about. HAVING TO REASSURE HER. Why should I have to reassure her that she's great all the time? She has insecurities it's not my problem. She needs to fix them herself. I amnt going to support her needing to hear things. This reminded me how she always needs to hear that I love her and that she's beautiful etc. I tell her she's beautiful when I think it but she wants me to say it all the time. She says "I love you" and I don't say anything and she gets sad and expects me to say "I love you too" but I say it when I want to

Im losing more sympathy for you every post you make.

Get your thumb out of your ass and wake up to how unhappy your partner has become. You have a 1 year old. Have you considered that she could have a slap of PND? Or her hormones are still playing up? That she is not happy within herself?

Youre happy out **** over supermodels. Yes her reactions are over the top but they are in part caused by your indifference at best.

You say its not your place to deal with her insecurities - well it wasnt her place to sort you out financially. But she did. Has it entered your head at all that by sorting out her insecurities it will help your life as well?

December2012

psinno wrote: »

bee1000 wrote: »

Real love means doing things when sometimes you don't FEEL like it

Should this really extend to having sex when you don't want to because you are being pressured into it?

No a person should never have sex unless they want to. But A person should look at whatever sexual problems they have with the person they love.